Rant and Ramble
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Silke
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3.11.00"Their love is like a blind man, staring in the mirror."
I know its been a while, but life has been hectic, i have no computer, and Geocities wasn't cooperating. I've beena little edgy lately (i'm sure you all have noticed), so i'd like to extend a blanket, but sincere, apology to anyone i've been particularly bitchy to or distant from. (tangent- finally took that test, Alex, and my score's in the corner.) But as an explination, i've had no time or place to relax in the past four months or so, and a steady stream of things to relax from. So i'm acting weird and feeling weirder. And i apologize.
I gotta go, so love to everyone and carpe diem.

2.6.00"My mommy says the best thing you can be in life is flexible!" ~Revenge of the Space Pandas
Got a visit from some delegates of the San Ho crew last night, and had quite the little group for our "I'm not going to Winterball" party. It was good.
Not having a house sucks. But its been fun, and I got completley hyper Friday night from the lovely combination of three nights without sleep and a wee bit of caffiene. I ran around trying to get people to slapbox with me, and laughing hysterically and scratching heads with a vengence. I had fun.
My phone line (649-4352) is hooked up to an answering machine, so its pretty much like voice mail, and I'm going to be calling in every once in a while to check it, so if you have a not-urgent message or want me to call you or something while I'm house-hopping, gimme a call and leave a message.
Gotta go, so see y'all later.
Carpe diem.

1.31.00"I would be lying if I said I was completley unscathed...and I might be proving you right with my silence and my retaliation" ~ Alanis
What a weekend. Christ.
Its impossibly, bitterly, ironic. We are not equipped to deal with emminent death. Teenagers, adults even... our emotional strength can handle death, can stand in the face of tragedy, but prolonged uncertainty, shadowed by the desperate fear of dying long before anyone ever should... its too much. Tears don't cover it. Racking sobs don't begin to compensate or counterbalance. We endure, yes. We continue, we survive. It doesn't kill us, even when we wish it would. But we aren't the same. And no, I can't explain. If you know, you know, and if not, its not my place to tell. And if you know... I love you and even though I know I can't do anything, I am here.
Carpe diem. Every day is a gift.

1.28.00"I know it seems funny, but maybe we just said goodbye, and I feel strange enough to cry" ~ Joydrop
My computer has been acting up lately, so I haven't been able to update in a while, so here I am at Robbie's house, shamelessly abusing his computer and probably our friendship to update. Oh well, such is life, right?
The Magnolia soundtrack is awesome. Almost as good as the movie. Rob burned me a copy of Chris's cd. Its really good. Lots of slow sad songs.
Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I've been in some sort of depression lately. I lost count of how many people have asked me in a concerned voice, or with one of those false-happy and forced-casual voices, if I'm ok. So for the record, I am. I promise. Black clothing does not equal depression.
Silke, dah-ling, all my love to you, and you know my house is always open.
Carpe diem.

1.20.00"As Juliet cried in her Romeo's ear, Romeo, why not face the fact, my dear? It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy flings..." ~Ella Fitzgerald
I absolutely love those little wax-covered cheese things. They kick ass.
For the record, I'm better today. Finals are sucking with a primal passion, but I think I've done fair so far. Chemistry raped me only a little bit first. Like a date-rape kinda thing, rather than the jump-out-from-behind-a-bush-right-before-you-get-to-your-front-door kind of rape, which is the method my precal test employed. But, as was made abundantly obvious to me today, it could always be worse. At least I don't have a warrant out for my arrest, as far as I know.
Good luck to everybody taking finals tomorrow, hope yours at least used a condom, and Super-bro-ey, thanks for the note. ;]

1.19.00"tonight i feel so weak, but all in love is fair... i turn the other cheek, and feel the slap and the sting of the foul night air..." ~Melissa Etheridge
no capitalization on this night. it would be superfluous, except spelled right. on second thought, that might actually be spelled right. doesn't matter. no paragraph breaks either, even though i changed the subject twice already. tonight, i cried. for those of us who don't know, this is very much a big deal. also is very much a good thing. i can't say that i enjoyed it at all... in fact it pissed me off considerably... but it was, in the end, a distinctly posititive experience, in a twisted, mildly psychotic kind of way. "relevence" my ass. and i am tonight wallowing in solitude and scratchy eyes and a runny nose. beautiful. grandiose, as he would say, so i don't. it isn't, anyway, either of them. i'm rambling, and i've recently determined that i don't care. after a few hours of throaty screaming bitch music, i put on ella fitzgerald's "best of the love songs" and am loving it. what a difference a release makes. to explain any more would desecrate the experience. i think i have already, but for some reason it wanted to be up here. so it is. maybe more would be appropriate in person. probably not. doesn't matter. goodnight and sweetest of dreams to you all. yes, even you.

1.16.00"Laziness is the mother of invention. Necessity is just the illegitimate father." ~Me, in a rare moment of pithy genius.
Alot's been happening lately. Most of it has no place here. Um... I can't think of anything to post. Silke, dah-ling, I love you. And Alex, your hair looks awesome. Medusa. ;]
I think I'm going back to sleep. Thinking takes too much energy.
Dream well and breathe deeply.

1.13.00"True love, but for the lack of providence"~ Ani
You know what is one of the least awe-inducing things I've ever heard? "Molten salt." Apparently its used in some process of metal ore refinement, or some such. At any rate, it was discussed in my chemistry book, and I found it astonishingly anticlimatic. You see "molten" and expect some word to follow which would bring to mind images of violent rivers of red-hot flowing metal; namely, a word like "lava". "Iron" would do, in a pinch. But "salt"? Molton salt? Ridiculous.
I just couldn't resist putting that up here. Now its back to the unending inundation of confusion in the pages of my chem book.
Actually, it all makes sense, but I thought it a nice phrase.
Adiosa, and Carpe Diem.

1.4.00"Your arrogance is gaining on you, and so is eternity. You better practice happiness, you better practice humility." ~ Ani
What really gets to me is when things sneak up on me. When I think I feel one way, and all of a sudden everything is upside down and I'm feeling something completely different. And when I know something is wrong with one of my friends and I don't know what or how to help. And just being helpless.
On a brighter note, our Spanish video rocks. Its so great. SCUBA STEVE kicks ass!!
Yet another poetry update.
Carpe diem.

1.3.00"Jillian stole my quote." ~ Me, pissed.
I am royally confused, and vaguely pissed. And stubbornly refusing to feel guilty. But thats not an issue thats going to be up here, I just needed to have it publicly announced so that if I collapse into a fit of whining and funny noises, you all will understand.
"I don't think I am strong enough, to do this much longer... god I wish I was stronger... This song ain't going to be long enough, to express every longing...how I wish it was longer" Ani
New years was... interesting. Very. Very. Interesting. Went to first night, hung out with a fluctuating group of friends, namely Robbie, Jill, Nika, Maria, Alex and Ursula. After a while, Matt and Matt joined us. Who am I forgetting? Someone, I'm sure... Anyway, we went swing dancing which KICKED ASS. Let me tell you, it makes ALL the difference when the guy can lead. We lost Jill and Rob at some point around eleven, and found Rob after the countdown. The fireworks were cool, and I got two New Year's kisses. ::grin:: Then off to Gober's for about half an hour, and then Alex and Ursula and I dropped off Rob, they dropped me off, went back to get Andy M. who we had promised a ride home, then they came back to my house and we watched Men In Black for lack of anything better to do with my parents asleep. Along the course of the night, I had the caffiene equivilent of about 16 cups of coffee via PENGUIN MINTS!! and two actual cups of coffee. It was great.
All in all a good night.
I also saw Godspell last night... Matt makes a nice Jesus. It was a really good production. Medusa, as Alex would say. ;]
My blessings for the new year upon the lot of you. Love you all.

12.31.99"Green lily of the valley leaf, let me tell you what happened to me last night. I lay down in my bed, and played dead so I could watch: I saw my enemies dancing, And my girlfriends crying." ~ Ion Manole
Updated the poetry page.
I love good conversations with cool people. And i love fingernails. And bellybuttons.
Happy new years again, and y'all come back now.

12.30.99"If I was dressed in my best defenses, would you agree to meet me for coffee; if I did my tricks with smoke and mirrors, would you still know which one was me; if I was naked and screaming on your front lawn, would you turn on the light and come down?" ~ Ani
I sleep through my mom turning on the light to wake up my sister at six this morning (and by sleep through, i mean i wake up, roll over and fall back asleep grumbling) I sleep through the arrival of the construction crew, and their mariachi music blasting on the other side of my wall. I sleep thorugh my brother turning the light back on. I sleep through the hammering, sawing, electric tool yammering again on the other side of my wall. My brother turns on his computer, and I sleep through the startup noises. He clicks the mouse, and I wake up. Fucking ridiculous. And then my brother tries to convince me that, since its nine thirty, its time for me to get up anyway. Damn savages.
I got two new cds - Dialate from Ani, and a collection of Roma Gypsy music called Taraf de Haidouks. It kick ass. Yay for ecclectisism.
My house is taking shape, slowly but surely. The best-case estimates are for finishing construction in February. My dad thinks March or April is more likely. So we'll see, but at any rate, you can begin to see the second story roof and the back rooms are mostly walled in and finished. Woohoo! Can't wait for my new room.
Ok, I can't think of anything else, so happy new year and don't spontaneously combust or anything.

12.25.99"Elevators smell different to midgets"
CAITLIN'S GOING TO DENMARK! CAITLIN'S GOING TO DENMARK!
Thats right, you heard it here first. My official best Christmas present ever. Ever. Six weeks this summer. Wow. I cried. Wow.
Moving on. Insert mandatory Christmas greeting _here_.
Had a really cool conversation this evening with someone I've been meaning to converse with for a while. I'm impressed.
Gotta go. Love you all, and, of course, just for the sake of something different, Carpe Diem.

12.23.99"I'm not an alein, I'm discontent." ~ The Faculty
Happy Holidays to everyone, be it Christmas, or Chaunaka, or Solstice, or Ramamdan, or Festivus (sup Fletch) that you're celebrating, may the light of the season shine full upon you, and may you be filled with the peace and joy you deserve.
In other news, my parents are not holding up well under the pressures of this joyful season. My mother is probably about three unwrapped presents and a "Whats for dinner?" away from total mental breakdown. My dad is being purely antagonistic. So much for goodwill towards man.
But I'm still feeling the afterglow from my day on Sunday (it was Sunday, not Monday... I have no sense of time), so even the colassal arguments of my parents aren't phasing me. I'm bound and determined to have a great Christmas, and my disgruntled family be damned. So, again, happiest of holidays, and if anyone has any good plans for the New Year, gimme a ring or drop an email, cuz right now I'm looking at First Night and babysitting.
Carpe diem. ~"A powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ~ Dead Poet's Society

12.21.99"There is NOTHING funny about that smell!" ~ Robbie
I had the most magical day on Monday. I got home around two Monday morning, then slept until around nine or ten, then laid in bed for a few hours. I got up, took a shower until all of the hot water was gone, and then wandered around my house for a while. Eventually I called Robbie and walked down to meet him. We were going to join up with Jill and somebody and rent one of those big four person bikes, but it never happened. Instead, I completley reverted to childhood. We walked down to the beach, stopping along the way at George Washington park to swing on the swings and hang from the monkey bars. Then we took our shoes off and wandered down along to the beach, and poked around in the tidepools. Then we walked back up by the PB Market and bought outrageously overpriced sandwitches and I got one of those cheese things covered in wax, and we sat on the whale outside the museum and ate them. Alex drove by and we chatted a bit. And then we climbed the trees in Jewell Park and then went over to Rob's and made the most terrible cookies I've ever had the misfortune to create. And then we made Kate and Aga and Alex eat them. Those cookies were so gross... it was great. We got into a dough fight and I came home finding little bits of soy-flour-scented crusty stuff in my hair. The entire day, I felt incredibly alive and totally at peace. Everything was amazing. The day smelled like beauty. The sun felt like god personally reaching down to pat me on the head and caress my skin.
And I believed in god. For the first time in a long while, I absolutely, unconditionally believed. Not with the feverish despair or arrogant disdain that so many people believe through, but with the same innate surety with which a child knows that a blanket over a table makes the best hiding place ever. I had no questions, no doubts... and no sense that there should be any. Just complete peace and awed joy. It was a truly humbling, invigorating, beautiful experience.
Thank you.
Carpe diem.

12.11.99"He killed them with their love..." ~ The Green Mile
In response to an overwhelming response (errr...), the Knight Initiative is a bill thats going to be on the ballot on March 7 which, if passed would specifically define marriage in California as between man and a woman. So that the only marriages recognized as legal and valid wouldb e between a man and a woman. Same-sex marriages are not now legal in California, but this initiative would not only decisively exclude them, it would also mean that if they become legal in any other state, they would STILL not be recognized in California. Personally, I see this as blatant bigotry. Even if you don't support the idea of gay marriage, I think you have to realize that to deny people marriage simply on basis of gender is discrimination. You should (in my mind) vote against this measure on the basis of human rights if nothing else. Its the same as saying that interracial marriage should be illegeal. The people who support this measure claim to want to protect the "institutions of marriage and family", but it seems to me that the very beauty and sanctity of marriage lies in the fact that it is (or should be) a legal and spiritual reflection of love, and the only way to preserve its beauty is to make it availiable to any couple who love each other. When searching for the threats to the institutions of marriage and family, why not look at the high divorce rate, the instances of spousal and child abuse, the single parents, the custody battles... the myriad of issues that darken the faces of marriage and family every day. And for the record - allowing two committed people who happen to be of the same gender to marry will not harm the children of America, or affect their values in any negative way. Allowing bigotry to be passed into law will.
Carpe diem.

12.7.99"Whats the use of robbery, when nothing is worth taking?" ~ Sugar Ray
Washington DC was awesome. Very cold, very fun and entirely exhausting. I think we trod every inch of historically significant ground in DC and Williamsburg both. We saw all the monuments and most of the museums. I highly reccoment the Holocaust Museum... its incredibly intense. Amazingly intense. I think that the Holocaust Museum and the Vietnam Memorial (the Wall) had the most profound affect on me. They were both very sobering and demanded extensive reflection upon the fate of the entire human race... which, in those circumstances, did not seem particularly bright.
My favorite part of the trip was definitely corrupting the Mormons. For those who don't know, I was on a week-long trip to DC with school on a program called CloseUp. There were schools from Texas, Louisiana, Nevada and Utah there. My roommates were from Louisiana (so therefore I had a Lousisianan accent for half the week). I met a guy from Utah, Jered, who was VERY hot and VERY Mormon. "Real" Mormons don't believe in anything but kissing before marriage, and then not often. It was entirely frustrating. But such is life, right?
On a side note - WHAT is it with me and Mormons? I think its hilarious, but kinda eerie...
In other news, Silke now has a webpage (note the new link), so y'all go and check it out now, y'hear? ;]
For a bit of boasting, we got our PSAT scores back, and my reading comprehension and writing analysis scores were in the 98 and 99th percentiles, respectively. Woo hoo, no? (Of course, math was something like 81st percentile, so we can see where my forte lies...) Enough of that.
Also - I no longer have a room. Remodeling has offically begun to suck. I am now sleeping in the living room and hiding in the bathroom whenever I want some privacy for the fifteen minutes that I can steal before someone needs to shit. I think I'm going to be relying heavily upon my headphones.
All of you who can vote - please, you guys, do it this year (I know its not till March, but I don't want to forget) - and vote against the Knight Initiative. If y'all don't know what it is, email me. I'm trying to make a big deal out of it, so I'm sure this'll be on the page again.
Hows that for an update?
Carpe Diem.

11.17.99"Be a good girl, try a little harder... You've got to measure up, and make me prouder..." ~ Alanis Morrisette
Report card verdict: Two A's, three B's and a pass (for being a TA). 3.8 GPA. Guess who got a nice, long lecture?
Lets see...I failed in my promise to update after the weekend, but I don't want to anymore, so let's leave it at Ashley's party was fun, it was great to see everyone from San Jose, and I suck at basketball.
Everyone has to come see Harvey. Its showing from this Friday the 19th until Tuesday the 23rd, probably at 8:00 each night. Please come if you can, the drama department needs all the money we can get.
DOGMA! Awesome movie, very much on the scale of Kevin Smith's other work, but in a very different vein. I loved Alanis as God, even though I thought I would hate it. Lots of good acting, and of course great dialogue. I'm planning to see it again sometime this weekend or next, maybe after Harvey is over. ;]
Arrgh Silke!! The suspense is KILLING me. >;[
Yay for stupid smiley faces.
Maybe more later. Don't nobody hold your breath tho.
And, always, Carpe Diem.

11.6.99"Everywhere I go I see loss and confusion, Faltering faces, Fear and delusion... Everywhere I go I see bliss and distress, A plague of emulsion, Glamour and fortune, Could these be the ways of the future?" ~ Binary Sutra
This is a cool band. Me gusta mucho.
Happy Birthday to Nika, Ray, Ashley and Jill.
Joe, Ray and Ansy are here from San Ho, and Dave S should be joining us tomorrow. More info at the end of the weekend.
Anyway, its two thirty in the morning and CC just fell asleep... so I think I'll be going now.
Carpe Diem.

11.1.99"I'm analyzing again, the emotion inside, that will not subside because of what happened...I do not want to get over you, or around you, I want to get through and hit you, head on...I do not want to invade you, get inside you, I want to walk through this." ~ Brittany King
To recap the weekend, Friday was the Homecoming game (we won 42 to 0), and Fifth Quarter, a completely inane collection of mass idiocy that includes the sole motivation of dancing, and which for some reason we went to. Skip to Saturday, when i was awoken at eight or so to be told that Joe and Liz were coming _down_ and would be here relatively soon. We hung around and had fun, Dave S showed up, then I had to leave for homecoming dinner. We (me, Matt Woodruff and Amy Crawford, Paul and Jen, Mike and Nicole Foord, Joon and two girls whom I met for the first time, Niko and...I can't pin down the other one now...) we went to Tarpy's, I had really good succotash (which I ordered for the twin reasons that it was the cheapest thing on the menu, and I wanted to know what succotash tasted like - and I reccomend it). Then on to the dance, which basically sucked. Due to overelevated judgement, expectation and ego, I ended up punching a car, and got a lovely bruise on my knuckle. Went to Matt Gober's party afterwards, which was a blast. I recieved a great massage that left me completley sore the next day. I got to watch the sunrise. Then Silke and I decided to join Jill and CC when they went to church. If you don't know me, this is something of a big deal. I actually enjoyed myself, and I think that their church (Shoreline) makes a good effort to portray the better parts of Christ and the Christian religion. They also focused more on God than on Christ, which I liked. We went to youth group after the sermon, which was fun as well. Then I came home and collapsed (complete lack of sleep will do that to you), slept for two hours, then woke up to do my history essay and give out candy. And, finally, I slept the first full night of sleep in longer than I can remember. Didn't wake up once until my alarm went off. I need to skip nights of sleep more often. And then to a completely uneventful Monday.
Tomorrow is Nika's sweet sixteenth birthday! Happy Birthday Nika!
And thats about it for now. Good night and goodbye.

10/26/99"I see more of what's going on around me because I am not concerned with finding a parking place." ~Some cab driver in New York
I saw Fight Club on Monday, and its awesome. Definetly one of my favorites. It even had good previews (DOGMA!). Left me feeling very invigorated, very empowered. I was talking to a friend tonight who got something out of it totally different from what I had. The message he saw was that basically people are corrupt, and any group can become fascist if given appropriate power. Peronally, I connected really deeply with the movie, because of reasons that I just realized can't be explained without ruining it. If you've seen it and you're curious, email me.
Mmm...so I'm no longer chickenshit stupid, but I still somehow manage to feel completely inane and idiotic. Like I'm in middle school and pathetic and completely devoid of self-confidence. Perfectly ridiculous, it is. No right. Grrrr....
Homecoming is Saturday, Halloween Sunday...and then back to the routine on monday. Woohoo.
Goodnight.
I realize it isnt about the fighting, its what it sybolized - breaking free of what is the usual, what is percieved as real.

10/6/99"I left my brain inside of my other head...you don't impress me, don't depress me don't oppress me, just get undressed." ~ Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Finally, an update.
Lessee, we just ended October break, during which I slept alot, accomplished little, and actually drove to Malibu with my now-closer-than-ever friend Alex. We had a blast. A six hour drive isn't really that bad when you have someone cool to talk to. There was a lot of psycho-analysis and revelation. It was really cool and Alex - thanks for letting me come! ;]
My favorite band of the moment is Jimmie's Chicken Shack. Very cool... kind of a ska/punk/Primus/etc sound. Me gusta.
I finally figured out how to trick my computer into letting me upload the pics from my digital camera... so I've now got about a hundred photos,split fairly equally between a pool game at CC's house (CHIPMUNK!) and Malibu. Nice.
No devestatingly clever philosophical argument this time. Its monday.
Adiosa.

10/6/99"What I see is unreal, I've written my own part, eat of the apple so young, I'm crawling back to start." ~ Alice in Chains
I saw American Beauty last weekend. If you haven't yet, see that movie. I'm not going to give any sort of plot summary, just tell you to see it. I loved it. My grandmother hated it. I think the problem people (my grandma, Century theatres, etc) have with it, its that this movie makes you see some of the not-so-sweet parts of ourselves, and our culture. It makes middle America uncomfortable, and middle America resents it greatly.
But personally, it has made me look at life differently. I'm making a concious effort to appreciate. My life, my friends, my family, and the beauty which surrounds me. I open my eyes, and am humbled by what I see. This is something I've wanted to do, innately, for a while... change my perspective, get out of the rut I find myself in. When I think back over my life, everything is shrouded in a dim haze, with only a few memories that sparkle clearly in my mind. Everything else is an image encased in the fog of inconsequentiality. And if I just made up a word, I don't care. But, looking back, I realize that all the memories that stand out are what I would have usually have dismissed as unimportant - they aren't awards I won or grades I got, or getting my first paycheck. What I remember is sitting in a booth at Subway with Silke, laughing until my eyes watered and I couldn't breathe. I don't remember why. I remember the way I felt everytime I said goodbye to Brig while we were together. I remember riding my bike in first grade, with training wheels, trying to keep up with my friend Danny. I remember finding a tricycle in my grandmother's living room for Christmas when I was four. I remember dancing with my great-grandmother on Fourth of July when I was six. I remember my grandfather's funeral. I don't remember my first report card, or what I got. I don't remember how I felt the first time I got a "bad" grade. I do remember the first time I fought with my best friend over something trivial (kindergarten, Christopher Bebit - our mutual crush ;] ). Point is, its not the material accomplishments or setbacks that are important. It isnt how you did, but what you did.
I was driving with my friend Alex the other day, watching the trees. One was split down the middle and wrapped around itself like an embrace. For a moment, it was the most beautiful display of love and emotion I had ever seen.
Take a step back and try to discover what you've been missing.
Carpe Diem.

9/27/99"Si hoc legre scis nimium eruditiones habes." yes, its Latin.
Perception
I understand that, people being what they are, and this world being what it is, I will more often be judged on appearance than by my deeds. I understand that many people will weight and measure me with a glance, and believe they know somehting of me by the way I wear my hair, my clothes, or my jewelry. I understand that most of them wont even give passing thought to the way I wear myself. Some will condemn me for what they see, some will dismiss me for it, some will approach me for it, and some, few, will respect me. I reject the respect almost as I do the scorn, for both are equally unfounded. I am ashamed, however, to admit that I judge them based upon how I percieve their judgements towards me. The woman who turns up her nose at my giddy laughter, the man who lasciviously states at my chest, or waist, or legs and never once meets my eyes, are brutally removed from the list of people who's opinions, who's value, I consider worth my time. I judge as quickly as they, condemning as surely as the one who considered me disrespectful, and the other who considered me a piece of attractive flesh, devoid of significance beyond perhaps a lewd thought or two. I am no better than they. But somehow out of the depths of self-indulgence, I am sure that my judgement is based on better evidence than theirs, that I have more basis for rejection or acceptance. This, probably unfounded, idea, also is one of the ways I choose my friends - not necessarily by those who respect or admire me, but by those who disregard the way I look... or at least, do not define me by it.
And that, my friends, is why i want to dye my hair blue.

9/26/99"Better late than pregnant" ~ random quote.
I can't think of anything to write, I just found that quote and decided I wanted to stick it up here before I forgot it.
Y'all take care now.
"At bottom, we are all herd and mob." ~ Nietzche
The Gradual Extinction of Philosophy
What we view now as the great intellectual and philisophical breakthroughs of all time ~ theory of relaltivity, Newton's law of gravity, dialectic materialism, diesm, realism, relativism, dualism, etc etc and etc ~ are of a dying species. Today's culture is so filled with logic, data and information, there is no room for actual thinking. Creativity is throttled out of children at a tender age, as they are carefully taught to draw inside the lines, think inside the box. Most mathematical breakthroughs are made by relatively young people, becuase by the time you graduate highschool, much less college with a degree, you have been so defined by what is, and especially, what is not possible, that you can not think of what MIGHT be possible. The curriculum allows no room for questioning. Remember this date, name, battle until next week's test, at which point you forget it to make room for the next bout of useless, pointless, inconsequential information. If an established idea is challenged, the challenger is radical, ridiculous, or obviously suffering from an unhealthy childhood. There is no responsibility taken for anything. Any crime, downfall or shortcoming can be blamed easily and popularly on parenting, media or oppresion. Its everyone's fault and no one's responsiblity. Entrenched in tradition and blind faith in lemming-style bestowing of ideas, afraid to think, to reason, to imagine, afraid of ourselves and our humanity, we slide ever closer to the point where we can no longer create, but only produce.

9/16/99"Virtue is relative at best... there's nothing worse than a sunset when you're driving due west" ~ Ani
Hah, i bet you thought i was past my Ani stage, but, sucks for you, i might just start subjecting you to her myriad (yay mrs. coulter!) quotes again. ;]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY! from everybody in PG.
There was a really neat religious debate in my english class the other day. They seem to be springing up all around. Its interesting, and i'm enjoyng it immensely.
Ah, the joys of infatuation.
OOOoooOO! i finally got to talk to my Joe-y my bro-ey yesterday. and we got cut off. But now he's teaching me binary (which makes sense finally) and hexadecimal (which is getting close)
So thats my exciting news for the day.

9/11/99"Who the hell are you to tell me what i am and what's my master plan. What makes you think that it includes you? Self-righteous wealth Stop flattering yourself cuz when the smoke clears, here i am Your reject all-American" ~ Green Day
Poetry update.
Dave - to address your post on suicide... i think that its an amazingly selfish thing, and that if even one person loves you, you have no right to kill yourself. But i understand that a person could be in a mental and emotional state where they see no other option, and where death is preferable to continued living in that state. I've had, at one point, five friends who were suicidal at once, more than one of which have at one point or another told me that i am one of, if not the, reason they haven't done it yet. The first friend i had who was suicidal was in seventh grade... i didn't even know it until she had attempted i think five times. I considered her one of my best friends. I think a prevaling image of suicidalness (is that a word?) is that someone who has suicidal thoughts is "messed up" or even just "confused". I know that isn't true - i've thought about it myself, and though i'm sure most everyone has at some point or another, that doesn't make it any less important for each person. Now, i didn't have any right to even consider thinking about killing myself. It's the same sorta thing as the little dork kid in the Breakfast Club... i was overwhelmed with parental pressure and guilt from various things, low self esteem, etc... nothing that i now consider a "good" reason. But for all that some of my closest friends, people that i love, have considered and even attempted suicide does not change the fact that i do not believe it is right to take your own life. Not because you shouldn't have the power over your own life - that you have absolutely. But because no one should have that much power over someone else's life. The amount of guilt, shame, depression and remorse that follows any death can only be increased tenfold if that death is a result of suicide. And while i understand that, if you are in that place where everything seems hopeless, you arent thinking of your friends or family, i also believe that suicide, usually, is the coward's way out. There are ALWAYS options available, the question is whether or not you are willing to do what it takes to utilize them. The problem there is that apathy is a close bedfellow of depression, and by the time you want to die - or, more often, you just dont want to live - you've sunk so far into yourself that you dont think you can summon the energy to change anything. In some cases. I've also seen people who are suicidal who pull themselves together with very little outside support, and move past that desire to a "normal" level of depression. All in all, i have to say that there really is no "good" or "acceptable" reason to kill yourself... as long as someone loves you. And if that's the case, then TALK to that person, even if it is only one, and they will help you. And to anyone who knows i'm talking about you - I love you. And if you need me, please call.
Carpe Diem.

8/31/99"Keep out of children" ~seen on instructions for Korean knife
I know i said i wasnt going to update, but i figured such an awesome weekend warranted a post. Sooo....
Saturday wasnt hugely exciting, i packed alot of books and threw my back out.
SUNDAY, however, kicked ass. Joey and Ansy showed up, we got everybody else (Jill, her cuz Heather, CC, Rob and Silke) and began the trek to San Ho. After a long and exciting trip there, we got the tour, saw Joe's house, car, brother and mom, the ledgendary SJ Jax, visited Ray at work and saw Dave S, met a buncha people and went to Oakridge for some shopping. And Hot Topic kicks serious ass. All i had by that time was three bucks, so i bought a tin of caffinated PENGUIN mints. hehehe.
Cut to Liz's house, some pool jumpin, hot tubbing and general hanging out. Met more people, and saw people i already knew, including Shaun, Michelle, and Dave. After the BBQ, presents and cake, it came time for the PGians to leave... at which point either silke or i (dont remember) decided to try to stay the night. It ended up that only Silke, CC and i could stay, so Rob and Jill and Heather went home with Joe and Ansy.
During the course of the night, Silke got more giddy than i have EVER seen her. And i've known her since i was in second grade. She was tweakin. It kicked ass.
Following morning, Dave took the rest of us home, I navigated and NO we were NOT lost. I was just going home instead of to Salinas. Sorry. After dropping Silke off, CC and Dave drove around some, then picked me and Jill back up, we went to Alvarado and kidnapped Sage (Max lost the mohawk, by the way, and dyed his hair red) and then came back to my house and watched the Labrynth. All in all an amazing weekend.
I miss you guys!!
In other news, the remodel on our house is starting, so i might lose my computer for a while and my back yard looks like it was hit by a meteorite. Its kewl.
Aaaaaand i gotta go so LAAAAATE.

8/31/99"Could i be read, if i was see-through, or would you just read my spine?" ~ Silverchair
Lot of stuff going on, school starting, play productions, disgusting amounts of homework, group politics and all that...
I've been having some really cool religious discussions with my friend Dave lately. They've forced me to rethink some of my blanket opinions of Christianity, or at least realize my tendency to judge someone as a follower as soon as i find out they're Christian. I do appreciate it, Dave.
We (me, Silke, Jill, Joe, Ray, Shauns M and R, Liz, Michelle, Robbie and Evan) went bowling last weekend. For all of you snickering, no i didnt have as much fun as last time and yes i actually bowled. A 25, if i remember correctly. SOMEBODY who actually knows how to bowl, PLEASE teach me!?!
In other news, i got a new keyboard and mouse, both of which are difficult to get used to, but much better than my last. I've really been enjoying working with photoshop and doing some digital art... i think i might add a page with some work on it, mine and other's that i admire.
Rach - good luck in Israel, i'm going to miss you. And if you dont write, i'll fly over there and feed you to a big Israeli soldier. So there.
Joe - i'll get back to you as soon as i can.
Miss Alex/Ryan (hehehe)- i wanna kickbox! Call me! -and break a leg (even tho you arent acting)
Everyone else - lots of love, and, of course, carpe diem.

8/15/99"Like all other joys, she rejected it as a sin" ~Nathaniel Hawthorn
I hate the book, but it was a good quote.
Define sin. Would it be going against god's word? What if you dont know god's word? What if you consider a transgression necessary in order to accomplish a greater good - say, telling a lie to save a life. Can the intention negate the act? If you kill to save your own life - or your child's - does the judgement fall for saving a life or taking one? In the end, shouldnt sin be defined by personal morals and circumstances, if at all? Or can one disregard the concept entirely and chalk it up to human imperfection? If sin is, as my first question asks, the word - and will - of god, then when did the concept of what was sin change, and how? At one time, it was indecent, a minor sin, for a lady to show her ankles. And now...
From there follows naturally the idea of heaven and hell. If you sin, but repent, that should save you, right? As long as you're Christian. If you arent, you go to hell - even if you lived a stainless, sinless life. Ghandi went to hell, unless i'm mistaken. Personally, i see some injustice in that.
Which is why i dont believe in hell. ::gasp!:: Or heaven, as most people envision it. I rather like the idea of reincarnation, karma, and peace. It makes alot more sense, to me, than a divine country club that only Christians can get a membership to, and everyone else has to sit on the hot pavement while the tar melts to their feet. Not my idea of a good time, or a good diety. But that is just me.
To jump backwards a moment, the idea of original sin, also kinda bugs me. It doesnt make sense. First of all, God gives Adam and Eve free will, intellegence and curiousity, and then points a big, figurative neon sign at the tree saying "DONT EAT ME!!" Now, what is any normal human being going to do? And - correct me if i'm wrong - but the whole thing was they gained the knowledge of good and evil by eating the apple? Sooo, before they ate the apple, how could they know it was wrong to do so? And so, therefore, why wouldnt they follow the natural instincts god had given them - curiousity, hunger, trust, courage - and try it? Especially when the snake, one of god's creations, told them it was alright, when, if they had no idea of good and evil, they would have no reason not to believe. They were perfectly innocent, as no human has been since. How could they not believe?
And if you're going to try to convince me that i'm inherently more sinful than my brother because i got a different gene, i'm going to laugh at you. Because that would require such a petty, short-sighted god that i dont even want to imagine him running this universe. If he couldn't forgive his first and closest creations for using the mind he gave them, i have no doubt that whatever i do, i'm doomed. So i choose not to believe in him, or at least, not any more than i believe in any other god.
Wow, two big rant and raves in as many days. Making up for lost time, i suppose.
Carpe Diem.

8/14/99"And oh, how i miss, substituting the conclusion of a confrontation with a kiss..." ~Ani
Its amazing what hormones can do to a person. I mean seriously, it is. I've been alternately reveling in a newfound appreciation for the opposite sex and yearning for emotion i thought i had forgotton. Though, now, for the emotion only, and not who inspired it. A comfortable change.
The differences between male and female are amazing. To look only at the sexual differences(meant psychologically, not physically), is in itself colossal. As the saying goes, "A man on a date wonders if he's going to get laid. The woman already knows". There's a definite empowerment of the female side on that part, but it only begins to make up for the fact that the vast majority of rapes are commited against women. Silke and I were talking the other day, and came to the frightening realization that if a guy - almost any - truly decided to take advantage of almost any woman,ourselves included, there would be next to nothing we could do about it. Pure genetics put us at a distinct disadvantage. Granted, there are men who have been raped by women, and i do not mean to belittle their suffering any, but the fact stands that the opposite is very much the norm.
Of course, then into play comes the idea that women are manipulative, that they toy with men's emotions for pure amusement. Well, its true. There are a good many women who make a hobby out of it, and you'd be hard pressed to find any female who hasn't once taken some pleasure out of using her sexuality to make a man respond in some way. In all honesty, in most cases I don't think this is a bad thing, usually enjoyable for both parties, and in the end, harmless. The idea that this same method, if you will, is used to purposely bring pain to another, I disagree with. Again, there are some women who delight in causing pain... but there are as many men who do the same, if not by the same route. The majority of women, though, in my opinion, don't desire to cause pain. Any fun in that particular kind of interaction is negated and then some when someone is genuinely hurt. In many cases, the woman feels probably as much pain as the man who was her "victim", through remorse, guilt, and sympathy.
Emotion is a tricky thing. Just when you think you've harnessed it, coerced it into logical paths, it gets a jump start and flies out of contol again. Often painfully, not to mention unpredictably.
Enough of my tirade for the night.
Silke, my heart, I love you.
And I'd like to take a moment of remembrance for Deveeree (5 e's, was it, love?) Detamore, whose birthday is today...and to her children, may you find peace.
Carpe Diem.

8/12/99"You stereotype me, cuz you dont like me...but you dont even know me" ~ Limp Bizkit
The weekend in San Fran was awesome, i had a really good time, got to meet some of the people i've been hearing about, saw brig, got some music, had alot of fun. Camping was fun too, had a good time with the Brits and some football players. ;]
School starts in less than two weeks, Friday is my last day of work, my "R" key isnt working really well but other than that life is pretty good.
Robbie, Silke, Nika, John and Maria went to see Blair Witch, and i think if i had gone into it with no preconceptions whatsoever, i would have been scared shitless. As it is, it was a good movie, and i think well done. Scary in a way that very few movies are lately, where you never start or scream, you just huddle in your seat, holding your breath, and remind yourself that its just a movie. I liked it alot, tho i think i wont see it again for a long time, just because i know it would suck a second time around.
I got my hepatitis B shot yesterday, and the nurse was surprised at the fact that it didnt phase me at all. I figure, i've gotten some dozen shots in the past three months, this one isnt gonna be the one that freaks me out.
Ray- that weekend should be fine, and i'm looking forward to it.
Adiosa all.

7/30/99"The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat"
So i had a really long, awesome post all set up, but my computer crashed before i could save it, so you'll have to hold your breath till later for that one.
I'm goin out of town until next thursday...first to San Francisco for Rachel's birthday, then camping with the Mcreynolds and Hicks. Should be fun on both counts.
Adiosa

7/20/99"I dont know when i got bitter, love is surely better when its gone" ~ Goo Goo Dolls
Okay, if you havent seen American Pie, i dont know whats wrong with you, but do it. Funny movie.
Work is going along nicely, i got my first paycheck, which was fun, and i got to design a book cover, which was also fun.
Note to self: be sure to limit cookie dough consumption in future. eeh.
Little plastic pinkie rings make wonderful toys, and seem wonderfully suited to satiating an oral fixation. Horray for little plastic rings, then. And no Silke, you arent going to take it away.
I have a personal distaste for Nathaniel Hawthorn.
And i'm way too disjointed tonight to write any more.

7/17/99 "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got."

Went shopping today for work clothes... i got a hella cute green skirt, a pair of stretchy grey pants and a bunch of shirts, so now i've actually got something to wear to work. Yay.
I'm realizing that i havent written any poetry in a really long time... last was in singapore, and those were awful. So be looking for a poetry update soon. This is still html, by the by, cuz i dont have the patience for golive, and i realized that i was stupid and thats why the whole thing was in italics before.
Everybody in the area look for Monterey Pasta Company's soup lables, cuz i helped make em. woohoo.
I miss everybody from y2y. (some people more than others, but still...)
Oooh, rogue visit last night, was hellza fun. It was my ssssssbro joe-y and ray and we got cc and silky and jill and played god until the cops came to yell at us. then we went inside and played pool and re-discovered that some of us arent really great at it.

ok, thats all for now. adiosa.

7/15/99 "DEXTERITY CHECK!!!!!!!
SUUUUUP! Front Page (and GoLive, for that matter) still hate me, so this is straight html, baby. Be proud.
Just got back from a Y2Y conference, which was purely amazing. i met some incredible people, made some close friends, and basically had a blast. Silke, i want you to come with me next year, and everybody else for that matter.
Kat is now officially a working girl. I'm an intern at Smith Bowen Advertising in Ryan Ranch, monday, wednesday and friday from 9 till 4, and yes its minumum wage. But I'm in it for agency experience, not money.
In other news, i now have to visit San Francisco, Redding and San Diego before summer is over. Right. RACH call me!
Um... you'd think with so long a break i'd have hella much to say but such is not the case. I love you all, and take care.

5/18/99 "Cuz i'm not beautiful like you, I'm beautiful like me" ~ Joydrop
Nika i love you!