Sexual harassment is about power. Not all men harass women but unfortunately many do. Men learn to harass women from early ages. Most women report being harassed as early as age 8 by similar aged abusers. Most harassment is about dominance... it doesn't have anything to do with sex. How can a woman effectively deal with harassment? Until a couple months ago, when I attended a workshop by Marty Langelan, author of Back OFF, a guide to confronting and stopping sexual harassment and harassers, and a self-defense instructor at the DC Rape Crisis Center, I thought the “Fuck You” or the hit back response worked great. When a guy at a show grabbed me or one of my friends, I’d turn around and punch him. I broke a kids nose once doing that... at the time I felt good about it. This creep had ripped my bra off and now I had taught him a lesson. In the by now famous hindsight, I realized that I hadn't actually taught the kid anything. In fact, I probably just made him mad enough to abuse another woman who isn't 5’9 with a good right hook. Its funny, I don't believe in violence in any other situation but I thought that it was acceptable to beat down someone for harassing me or my friends. What made it acceptable for me to use violence against violence? I just got so mad that these men thought they could do this to me or my friends. I don't think that at the time I even considered these incidents as sexual harassment. How could I have been sexually harassed? That couldn't happen to me. My mind frame went something along these lines, “I am a strong, assertive woman and no one is going to pull something like that with me twice. I will not be belittled so easily and they will be sorry that they even tried to take on me.” I cannot believe I thought that violence was acceptable. It never occurred to me that the same techniques, I admired so strongly, used by the suffragettes, Martin Luther King and Gandhi of non-violent confrontation could be utilized by me to confront sexual harassment.
Langelan teaches about alternate, non violent, effective ways to confront harassment. The first rule is to always be serious and talk in a businesslike voice. You cannot be angry or emotional. Second, do the unexpected... name the behavior. Whatever he's just done be specific and just say it. Third, hold the harasser accountable for his actions. Take charge of the encounter and let people know what he did. Privacy only protects the harasser.. make it public. Fourth, Demand that the harassment stops. Fifth, Make it clear that no woman appreciates or deserves behavior like this. Make sure to stay to your own agenda. Don't respond to excuses or diversionary tactics. End the interaction with a strong, simple statement, “You heard me. Stop harassing women.” (A great example of this is this incident on a bus: “A young woman is standing on a public bus. She feels a hand on her buttocks. She, without hesitation, grabs the hand places it high up in the air and exclaims, “What is this hand doing on my ass?” At this point everyone on the bus turns around to see who it was that was putting their hand on a woman's ass. She made it public. The she says, “I don’t appreciate you touching my ass. Don’t do it to me or any woman ever again. No women likes behavior like this. You heard me. Stop harassing women!” The harasser is now completely embarrassed and gets off at the next stop, beet red.) Another option is to use the forms on the next two pages. They come from Langelan’s book and she has given copyright permission to reproduce the surveys as many times as you wish. Read through the directions carefully.
It’s a good idea to get a group together to practice confrontations before you actually try it on your own. You’d be surprised how angry you may come off if you don’t practice before hand. You've spent your entire life ignoring harassers and the first time it's like opening Pandora's box. It would be neat if someone could get a copy of Marty Langelan’s book, Back OFF, and read it and was able to give your group a history about sexual harassment, and about the different kinds of harassment from the most common dominance harassment to predator behavior and rape testing. You could also call your local rape crisis center and see if there is someone there that does workshops for community groups about harassment. It’s also a good idea to leave plenty of time for reflection because one of the most important thing is this fight for a harassment free society is to share experiences. Another person might have a great technique for dealing with harassment. You might have other groups devoted to dealing with racial and ethnic harassment or integrate it into your own workshop.
Harassment is a women's issue but it is not just a women's problem. The power to stop harassment lies mostly with males. If every time a male heard or saw another male harass a woman, he promptly went over to that male and said, “I saw what you just did to that woman. I do not appreciate it. Don’t do it again.” harassment would be gone. (It’s important that you talk in the first person... it's is not nearly as effective if you say, “Julie did not appreciate that comment” because most often the harasser is sexist and doesn't value a woman's opinion anyway.) Also, not laughing at sexist jokes, or put downs and instead speaking up with your disapproval can help. It may be awkward but think about how much more awkward it is for the women who are on the receiving end of the harassment. Not only will you be doing what is right, but when word gets around that you are the kind of man who sticks up for women, you will become a local hero and that is definitely not a bad perk.