So this summer, I floated around in a big daze. Going away to a field research class in the Bahamas and then returning to the show nightmare, I had set up in the communal house I lived in. A zillion shows and a zillion people floating in and out. In addition, my grandfather was really sick and I was travleing to NJ alot. Love was not the foremost on my mind. Though,  I met a couple cool people who were potentials but for one reason or another things didn’t work out... Summer came to a close and school began. Chrisitne came to visit and we went to a show of this band that I really love and I met the boy by chance. He looked at me, and I was charmed.  A series of show cancellations and CMJ stuff and broken vehicles and we ended up spending time together. We  stayed apart physically but talked all the time and then we kissed and it was all over. I fell in love.  We talked about our various entanglements, both psychological and tangible, and left things open. Then, I started getting nightly phone calls from points distant and I began to stupidly think maybe I found him. Maybe this was a relationship lacking walls to be broken down beacause there was trust and awesome communication..  I have always felt like an easy kill relationship wise but I thought I was his kind of girl. How could I be though?  I started having little doubts. We started the I’m not calling you game.  Then, I went to visit. It was cool, and then weird, and then great and then I got home. And then things were just like a line from my favorite Heatmiser song, "when I talk to you on the phone, well it’s just like being alone". And then he wanted to be alone. And so, though I thought being a zillion miles away was pretty alone, I let things be. And I haven’t talked to him since. Not for lack of trying though. I tried to move on and I guess I met someone who was interested in me and my art and what was happening in my mind and yet I still wanted this other boy. The one who only cares about his music and his psyche. What is it about girls that they like the guys that trash them and their self-esteem? Actually, esteem wise, I think I am fine but I wish I could shake that feeling that I will never find someone that I fell THAT way when I am with. Someone that thrills me with the sound of their voice and  sends shivers down my spine with their touch. It’s just time I guess.