Two peanuts walking down the road. One's assaulted.

Two flies on a lavatory seat. One got pissed off.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

How do you know when elephants have been making love in your garden?
The grass is rolled flat and all the bin liners are missing

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in the custard

How do you know when an elephant has been in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter

Why are elephants large grey, and wrinkled?
If they were small, round and white they'd be aspirins

Have you ever seen an elephant swimming in custard?
That just proves the efficiency of their camouflage

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday

What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
The same mouse coming back from his holiday

How can you tell when there's an elephant in bed with you?
They have a big 'E' on their pyjamas

How can you tell when there's an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling

What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say sorry

How do elephants get up trees?
They sit on an acorn and fall asleep

How do elephants get down from trees?
They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn

Why are crocodiles long, thin and flat?
They walk under trees in autumn

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back

How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
There's a Mini outside with three elephants in it

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep

Why do elephants have long trunks?
Sheep don't have strings

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
Take out all the matches first

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Have you ever tried ironing one?

What's the similarity between an elephant and a blue plum?
They're both grey. Well, except the plum.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the hill?
Look, the elephants are coming down the hill

What did Julius Caesar say when he saw the elephants coming down the hill?
Look, the plums are coming down the hill (he was colour blind)

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, wow, is it, like, dark, man?

What do you get if you cross a mass murderer with a fish?
Jack the Kipper

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

What do vampires become after they reach 200?
201

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic

What do you get if you take an elephant to the city?
Free parking

What do you get if you take an elephant to work?
Sole use of the lift

How do you know if there's an elephant in the pub?
It's bike is outside

How do you know if two elephants are in the pub?
There's a dent in the crossbar of the bike outside

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and look in the window

Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom.

What's 10 feet long and stinks of piss?
Old people doing the conga

What lies in the garden and trembles?
A nervous rake

What do elephants use as a vibrator?
A python with Parkinson's disease

What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a baby goat?
The Milky Baa Kid