My Page of Rage

I have graduated from high school, and now I'm getting ready for college, in Hawai'i. I moved out to a relative's place in Hawai'i just a few days ago, and I'll be moving into my dorm in like three weeks. Such a draining experience this will be. I have come upon some advice for anyone who is going through their senior year of high school though: up until this point, this will be the best year of your life. Take care to fill it with the right people, but still take chances. Make sure you know who your friends are, they're the people who will be there for you in the end, when it's time to go, they will show themselves. And it's odd, you don't know who is your real friend until you won't see them for a long time.

Take for example a good friend of mine. An hour before I was to leave for my plane, he calls me, and tells me that I've been one of the best friends he's ever had. I don't care what anyone else says, that is one of the best moments anyone will ever have in their entire lives. Bar none.

So, all you people who can't wait to get the hell away from everything in your life that is dragging you down, just take a step back from everything and see where you really stand. You'll be surprised the way the world looks once you dust your glasses off. I'll related everything that has happened to me since last November in a little ditty I promise to call the Supplement.

But, the past two weeks has changed that for her. It began with a person who I hate right now. His name is something I will tell you if you email me. He came up here from his home to visit K. They are friends back at their school in Florida. The whole idea of the trip didn't jive well with me. He was a guy coming from hundreds of miles away to spend time with my girlfriend. A girl I cared more for than pretty much anyone I can remember for a long time. He had spent more time with her in the last year than I had. To make things worse, he was going to spend his five days at her house...in a camper outside.

K and I argued some about this. This didn't seem very cool at all to me. For something to be so offensive to me, she didn't seem to care. She just claimed that he was a good friend. To him, he is, and still is I guess. Still, I didn't like the idea. Half jokingly I told her one day that I'd be happy if she left him at the airport. Then, I honestly told her that I would have been happy if she had listened to my qualm and told him not to come. She basically told me to fuck off then. We worked things out then though. He went away and K and I went back to being happy.

But, as it turned out, it was just for one day. July 13th was the last day we were together, totally happy. We spent that day in each other's arms, kissing, holding...happy. Then, the next day, I signed on and Ploid Man was there. I said hello to him, and apologized for my behavior. He said it was fine. So, we talked civilly, although before I had contemplated mauling him limb for limb (which would have been easy). I told him that I was glad that he and K were platonic, that he felt only friendship for her because she and I would be taking a break during the school year. We would try to get together again the next summer. He then told me that he couldn't (and wouldn't) make any promises. He told me that if she were single, he would do what he wanted and try to be with her. I asked him not too...which is where I made my error I guess.

K was not happy with that conversation. I had asked the little fuck not to talk to her about it, but he did nonetheless. She told me that I could not ask someone to not make any moves on her. That, for me, still seems unreasonable. I don't understand that. Then the bombshell came. She had fallen out of love with me. She cared for me as her best friend, but not as her lover. I am devistated. I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart. I knew this day might come, but not now, not like this. I love her, I really do. I am lost for words.

I feel alone, sad, and angry. Frankly, Ploid Man had best never meet me ever again. It is in his best wishes. I love her, and I am her best friend I guess. I want her more than life itself right now though. I went outside today and started chopping at trees today. Pretended they were Ploid Man. Angry. I want her to love me, the way I love her. I want her in my life. I really do, but I am lost right now. Two days and she fell out of love with me. Thursday was Heaven. I blame Ploid Man for the death of this relationship and I wish that he bears the sorrow that I do right now. He has no idea what he has done, how destructive his actions were. He does not love her the way I do. The feelings I have for her are not everyday feelings. I have given her a year of my life, my love and myself. I just wanted to be hers. I want to kiss her, hold her, and feel her love again.

Through this however, I have learned that I am closer to being a true man than I knew I was. I was ready to give her up at the end of this summer so that she could grow, and maybe next year we could be stronger together. Now, I don't know what will happen. I got to know my mother better than ever, and I am thankful about that. I don't know what to think of God know though. I asked him with all my heart and my prayer not to break my heart, but the deed was done. I am lost now. If you want to know how I feel, listen to the song "Spit My Last Breath" by Blood for Blood. I pray now that she learns that she gave up someone who would give anything for her. Aside from all the superficial things about me that she loved, she is giving up someone who knows the true meaning of giving I think. I think she is making a mistake, one I once made. I can't bear to tell her the pain she will feel when she realizes that I may be gone forever. Who knows about this life?

We are all lost here, but unfortunately now, I am alone. So, if I must be alone, I will learn from it. There will be no one for me for a long time. My rule. I am going to find out about myself. I guess I owe that one to myself. Be true to myself for a long time. I pray to God that He brings her back to me though. One day.

And K? Do I still love her and care for her? Of course I do. Would I take her back? Depends if she has changed. From what little I know, she really hasn't yet. Maybe she will. Maybe she won't. I guess the big point is that I'm not chasing her now. If Allah, she will come to me. Then I'll decide. I have power!! One thing though. I'd still be hurt if she were with another guy right now.

I've grown, I hope. I have this feeling like I'm going nowhere in my life right now though. Treading water while everyone else is getting ahead. I don't know why that is. I think it has more to do with my insides that my outsides. I'm halfway to a college degree, but it really hasn't mattered much to me. I'm a Taurus without a cause. Doesn't make for a happy Taurus.

I guess that the first major project of this semester is done. Getting over K. Number two is harder. Find a path in life. I'm transfering schools, so that should help. Still time, I'm just 19.

Going home was good and bad. It was good because I think I found a new appreciation of those in my life. One of my best friends has a cancerous tumor in his back. I was worried that he wouldn't make it. I must admit that it shook me. I was terrified that something would happen. I worried that his doctors would say "Sorry kid, nothing we can do for you." But, everything is all right he says. They did fix him. The tumor is dying, not my friend. He is going to live. I cannot convey to you what this means to me. I actually prayed for him.

I was feeling very shitty about myself right before I left for home. I had learned my friend had a tumor. Everything that people told me about it was bad. He might just die. I was already in a bit of a funk, and this threw me deeper. The night that I left the dorm here in Hawaii for home I got down my knees and prayed to God. I asked Him to help my friend out. Give him life. If the pain that I have had in my life was for anything, let it be that he be cured. Let it be that he be saved. Give him life again.

My prayers have been answered so far. Thanks be to God. That is all I will say on this.

I felt good around my family at home, despite the little quarrels that we naturally have. It seemed absurd that anyone could keep a long feud going within a family. There is so much death and destruction around us in our daily lives. How can you shun those who would give of themselves just for you to be happy?

And of K. Yes, going home did bring a lot of memories that I did not want to think about. There were times when I'd be going about my day and a sight, sound, or smell would bring back memories that inevitably returned to her. What can I say, I fell in love and its only been six months. I have come a long way, but I still care for her. I tried to get together with her. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it without anything going awry. Just friends in other words. We argued the first time that we talked. To me, she has grown terribly pretentious (not that I'm not). We set a day to cruise together, but she somehow came down with a 24 hour flu that very day. She was sick and fine by that night she said.

I find it amazing how those illnesses come and go, don't you?

I heard tell that K ditched our mutual friend, the one with cancer. I don't think that she even came to see him and say hello. He called her and spoke to her, but I doubt that she gave much more effort than picking up the phone and humoring him. Humored him as she does with me. I am angry with her. That was wrong. He is facing the greatest challenge of his life. Not a call? Can't stop in to see him? If you read this K, then you have done something that really cannot be forgiven. You left a friend out in the cold. You have removed yourself from all that care about you. I am glad I am not you right now.

Again, I learn. I learn and I try to give it to you dear Reader. Give. Please give. Giving of yourself, not because it has to be done, not because its the right thing to do, but because you have something to give, is a truly noble act. Give.

Oh, speaking of how heartless she is, listen to what she does to her friends. We have a really good mutual friend, Mike, who has had cancer. Had a tumor next to his spine. How many times did she call him to see how he was? Just once. Right before his surgery (which was successful, WAY TO GO MIKE!!). Hasn't called him since. I swear that if K doesn't learn to be a human being she'll end up all alone. I don't want that for her, but she's got to learn that she can't have people whenever she wants and then forget and give up on them. They won't be there when you need them if you do that.

It's been like ten months since I've written, and I can really say that things are good again. Not that this trip didn't hit a couple rough spots along the way, but things are a million times better than what they were.

I came to Truman for a fresh start. I got a good one. This place is small and academically challenging. A total reversal from UH. I joined the powerlifting team here, and I've been getting in better shape and getting stronger. It's great. Classes sometimes kick my butt, but its better than being able to sit around, do nothing, and get A's I think. At least I can feel like I've earned what I've got. I've met a lot of cool people, and I've even met a great girl. I'll call her E.

E and I have been together on and off since September. She'd just broken up with a guy who was a mean dude. For lack of better terminology, he was an asshole. She loved him, but she couldn't stay with him. They broke up, and then we got swept up in each other. It wasn't all smooth sailing though. She still cared about him, and he used that and his dick personality to pull guilt trips on her constantly. We broke it off a few times, got back together a couple times, but since December we've been committed to each other. It feels great.

And call it a total reversal of fortunes, but I think that I've learned something from how E's dealt with her dickhead ex. He's pulled a lot of the same mind trips on her that I tried to pull on K. To close that chapter, I gotta say that my process of self-development really benefited from seeing a break-up from the other side. I am not the same person I was before, and I am glad. I can still be intense, but I know how to chill out know. I do not worry like I did. I am not angry like I used to be. I am thankful for this.

Other updates? Well, Mike had his tumor operated on. It was a complete success from what I know. When I saw him over the December break he was able to walk freely, was riding his bike again, and was back to work. I hope that his recovery continues and he can realize his dream of joining the Army, but that's a long shot. It will be good stuff if he does though.

That's all I've got for right now. Wish that I could be more detailed, but it has been a long ten months. Hopefully the next one will come sooner. Until next time...take care of yourselves.