Armchair Anthropologist Dissects Acquird Tast

Author:  Citizen Ted
Email:  hamster@omit.nas.com
Date: 1998/06/10
Forums: alt.tasteless 

        Let's not beat around the bush on this one, my dear colleagues in
Science! There are horizons to discover and superlatives to dispel; we
at ArmAnthro are ever-happy to join the search and root out every
neolithic asswipe we can find in order to restore some order.

        While farts are rarely a regarded topic here at alt.tasteless (due to
their pedestrian nature and banality), we at Arm Anthro have
researched this new subject, Acqird Tast (acqirdtast@aol.com -- you
may heap as much UCE at this address as you dare),  and found him to
be representative of that most mildly tasteless diversion -- the fart.

        The fart is an amorphous annoyance; it is pleasant to the farter,
unpleasant to those within its range, most humorous to grammar school
children and quite tepid to those in alt.tasteless. Farts are
notoriously fleeting; here one moment, gone the next.

        Thus, we arrive at our subject. The experts here at ArmAnthro could
find no Usenet post dating before March 5, 1998. Indeed, this reeks of
newbie, and the subject's prediliction for relying on the clunky,
retarded interface of AOL for months on end is another clue to his
inability to perform even simple acts of analytical reasoning.
        
        Now, let's turn our attention to the subject's foolish fumblings here
in alt.tasteless. But as a point of reference, let's first look at a
post made in alt.shenanigans, where our subject actually attempts to
upset the lucid yet psychotic mind of our very own VB:

<1998060716254700.MAA04492@ladder03.news.aol.com>
>You are a cruel child, delighting in causing pain.  It is no wonder that
>you enjoy alt.tasteless so much.
>Acq (who is NOT an enforcer for any group...  just someone who flatters himself
>that he uses his brain more often than not)

        Granted, we at ArmAnthro have piles and piles of quoted material with
which to make our conclusions about the pre-Pleistocene nature of Mr.
Tast, but this post made a big impression on the staff, causing fits
of laughter and some pre-urinary dribble from my very choad.
        There is absolute concensus among everyone that this ridiculous
inference of self-worth is not only laughable, but worthy of further
investigation. 
        As for "asleep@the.wheel" (snigger!), we think he can defend himself
just fine and we at ArmAnthro shall not bother to stick our haughty
noses where they don't belong.
        The point which is most illuminating here is a verbal attack from an
utter newbie upon an AT regular, quickly followed by a neolithic
desire to enter AT and attempt to curry favor.
        Such actions are commonplace among the common orangutan. 
        "The orangutan leads a solitary life, probably because it is a large
eater and must be constantly on the move in search of food." (Rodman
1979).
        "Another way for [primates] to gain attention is to keep on the move
and to seek different companions frequently" (Hirschmann 1970).

And let's see how well he accomplishes his aims:

<1998060719562300.PAA00169@ladder01.news.aol.com>
<snip enormous, unnecessary quote of long thread, followed by:> 
>Well, it looks like I've found out the maximum size I can make a post.  Pity. 
>I was looking forward to starting my own thread.  Guess
> I'll just have to rely on my sources in the IRS, eh?

        This post was made on May 7, apparently the first day of his arrival
in AT. Granted, there are many among us who delight in annoying the
locals of inferior NG's, but one cannot deny the painful stupidity of
repeating such actions here, the most infamous snake pit on Usenet. 

        Lo and behold, as surely as the Eocene followed the Paleocene, our own
heroic Vomit Boy was first to bite, publicly publishing our subject's
humiliating AOL profile. We at ArmAnthro looked over this information
carefully, and found the most indicative passage here:

>Hobbies: AOL, reading, occassional movies.  Music 
>(country and softrock). Sometimes gentle passion.

        <snicker!>
        After wiping the spittle from their terminals, our now-giggly experts
set into motion a series of calculations which provide a more exacting
profile of the subject. Among the more illuminating conclusions were:
        "Trite, contrived and appallingly boring" (Hall, J), "a blowhard
asshole in the truest sense; redolent of suburban stoogery" (Tataglia,
T), "yet another embarrasingly insipid and unlovable jerk, no doubt
unware of his own jejunity" (Grayson, M), "pathetic, weak and
inconsequential; I find no use for the subject outside of his
potential as a source of raw meat and hide" (Rosen, T).

        After this humiliating material was posted by VB, the subject
responded thusly:
<1998060804441100.AAA00110@ladder03.news.aol.com>
>By the way, any other information you need?  
>Considering that there are probably 50 or so Kevin's 
>in Napa at about my age (assuming I didn't lie in my profile, 
>of course....  lucky for you I decided to repost my profile, 
>otherwise you would have gotten diddly-squat).
<snip>
>Fair's fair.  You know a teeny-tiny bit about what I let the net know about me.
>Again, are you man enough to reciprocate?
>Acq the intellectual (hey, top 2% of math and top 10% of english at the time of
>high school graduation, that's gotta count for something....  even from an
>AOLer ;-)

        Whereas those with more than five firing ganglions would have slipped
away for greener pastures, the subject found it necessary to respond
with what he imagined was a daring riposte. Additionally, a flood of
weak, off-topic posts continued to issue from his account, bespoiling
the serenity of the NG and causing yours truly to launch a complete
investigation.
        As is often the case, our neolithic newbie has predictably evolved
from a buzzing nuisance to a truly confused, defensive asshole with
little credibility and a notably ignoble demeanor.
        Our case was crystallized with the following post, one so indicative
of the subject we could not possibly ignore it in this tract:

<1998060920344700.QAA06154@ladder03.news.aol.com>
>I just love expressing an opinion on everything and anything.  Just jumping in
>with my thoughts, being sure that, to make "asleep"'s day, I only include
>enough text from previous posts and no more.  Sheesh, if that's the only rule
>here, I should fit right in!  FAQs are for people with too much time on their
>hands, harrumph!Acq(to be continued, as I feel like it)

        In previous missives, we at ArmAnthro were hard-pressed to make our
case inre our subjects. But here, in great neon lights, is a
distillation of our conclusions in one neat little package. 
        Those who study science agree that science's greatest attribute is its
predictive powers, which are yet unmatched by any other methodology,
religion or philosophy. Thus, we were heartened to read this post, as
it so clearly validates ALL of our previous assumptions.

        In conclusion:

        It was blessedly  easy to break down this subject into his individual
components and arrive at a conclusion regarding his disposition as a
biological entity. Such easy work is encouraging to the harried staff
here at ArmAnthro, and we would like thank VB, Sharv and others for
their online posts and investigative prowess.
        
        We conclude that the subject is something much less than a
self-important "fanfaron"; he is, by all outward appearances, much
like numerous other proto-hominids who litter Usenet with their
infantile mewlings and painfully unoriginal prattle.
        He has been favorably compared to his fellow primates in the various
*.humor heirarchies, placing somewhere above a sports-bar yahoo and
somewhere below an interactively inept braggadocio.  
        While some of us at ArmAnthro debated the above-average grammar
contained in his posts, such arguments wilted in the face of the
content and the utter failure to recognize context.
        Peddling one's ignorance is sure to excite ourstaff and begin a
lengthy series of investigations, but to do so with such brevity and
exactitude is something rarely seen here.
        
        The subject is hereby categorized as Blusterus Maladjustus, and is
considered fair game for all who wish him harm. The staff would permit
any activity which seeks to send him back to his previous ecological
niche. We have found in him no value as a poster even less value as a
human being. 
        His expulsion from the gene pool will go a long way in our quest for a
vibrant technological civilization. 

        "Love is the fart
        of every heart
        For when held in,
        doth pain the host,
        But when released,
        Pains others most"
                - Sir John Suckling

        - TR
        - Chief Investigator, Armchair Anthropologist.
        
        BTW: one of our staff just rushed in and asked that I add one more
        psychological prediction: the subject will respond to this post
        with a "Haw-Haw, that was a funny flame" response.
        The assertion was quickly concurred by the rest of the staff.
        
        (It is worth noting that Armchair Anthropoligist is a scientific
        body and does not post with the intent of creating a "thread".
        Our conclusions are inescapable, and all contrary opinions must
        be submitted for peer review before we engage in reiteration.)