Subject: Re: Fun in Old Mexico

Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 02:07:16 GMT
From: stevem@shore.net (The Carrot)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless

In article <6ts8k0$afe$2@news1.rmi.net>, kfoster@shell.rmi.net says...
>
>  In Ensenada, near Tijuana, 21 people - men, women and children - are
>dead after being dragged out of their homes and shot "execution-style".

I guess the INS took my last letter seriously and is finally being proactive 
about the illegal immigration problem in America. Good fucking work, 
guys, and remember to ask that a few A-10s and large quantities of napalm 
and white phosphorus munitions be included in next year's budget.

I wouldn't have shot the kids, though. In extensive field tests I've 
discovered that Mexican children will A) absorb a tremendous amount of abuse, 
both physical and psychological, for one good old Yankee dollar, and B) 
they'll sell you their 14 year old sisters for $25.00 a night, no questions 
asked. As you can see, the utility of Beaner babies is obvious.

Hmmmm....I wonder.....


MEMO
TO:   President of the United States
FROM: The Carrot <carrot@conspiracy.gov>
CC:   JSC, INS distribution lists
DATE: January 23, 2001
Subject: Occupation of Mexico

Dear Mr President,

Thank you for the personal interview regarding the open position in 
newly-occupied Mexico. You had asked me to put down some thoughts on paper 
regarding what you referred to as my "unique" ideas on managing the country 
of Mexico and its residents after our stunning victory during the Six-Hour 
Currency War (popularly known, as you are doubtless aware, as "The Christmas 
Beaner Hunt"). 

If you were to appoint me to the position of Governor of Occupied Mexico I 
would institute a program similar to the script of "Logan's Run"; every 
Mexican would be killed upon reaching the age of 21 (or viente y uno in their 
heathen tongue-twisting language). Death would be induced by forcing large 
groups of Mexicans to those shitty soap operas featuring Eric Estrada over 
and over. This may seem a tad cruel, but quite frankly if I were running that 
open sewer of a country very few people would actually survive past the age 
of 18, which is the age at which Pablo buys his first lowrider and Maria 
starts gaining weight like there's no practical limit to clothing sizes. One 
must stop such behavior before it starts, so I'm afraid it's off to the 
concentration camps...

The Mexican concentration camps would be forced labor camps where the 
manufacturing of important products such as tequila, fresh produce (pissing 
and shitting in the fields would earn the offender a bullet), tequila, cheap 
jewelry, tequila, and mezcal would be produced in large quantities for the 
American people. The low survival rate of the workers would be the result of 
their being forced to consume an institutional diet that didn't contain large 
quantities of rice, beans, or meat of dubious origin that's been heavily 
spiced to disguise the stench of rotting catflesh. 

Despite our nuclear carpet bombing of major Mexican cites large numbers or 
residents remain in the urban areas; they are apparently unable to tell the 
difference between the "before" and the atomically-enhanced "after". All 
Mexicans remaining in the cities would be required to display a sign 
identifying themselves as Mexicans. Men would be required to wear a chili 
bean pinned to their lapel while Mexican women would be required to stop 
shaving their mustaches. 

The more entertaining and attractive Mexicans would be employed at any of the 
fine beach resorts. It would be legal for tourists to perform acts of 
violence, up to and including murder, upon any street vendors who wandered 
onto the beach and attempted to sell cheap shit. 

Despite his being an American citizen Paul Rodriguez would be shot on sight 
for being woefully unfunny.  

The only exceptions to my "Death at 21" decreee would be the occasional 
nubile female member of the governor's housekeeping staff, a few gardeners, 
and the muchachos who grow/import the dope. Members of the Governor Of 
Occupied Mexico's staff would be required to smoke at least three joints a 
day, drink at least one bottle of tequila during each 24 hour period, and 
perform at least three bizarre sexual acts a day with the Mexican staff. 
Non-performers will be trasnferred to the occupied territory of Puerto Rico. 

Mr President, I believe you will find that these suggestions fit in with your 
current thinking regarding the Mexican situation. And thanks again for the 
fine cigar. 

- The Carrot