Birdstrikes
 
Author: spamhater
Email: antispam@nonspam.com
Date: 1998/09/06
Forums: alt.tasteless 

OK, so we've all heard of jetliners and other aircraft doing fun things
like ingesting birds on takeoff.  Usually, this is no big deal, and the
potential mine of tastelessness goes the way of the pureed avian - that
is to say, out the ass-end of some big turbofan.
In fact, jet engines are tested to be able to withstand someting like
the impact of a chicken at high speed, so all that usually ensues is a
coupla bent fan blades, and perhaps some grumbling A&P guy in the
hangar.

The only saving grace of this scenario is the potential for a squadron
of geese or some such to hose all engines just after rotation, with
ensuing human carnage, and tasty TV spots on CNN with Cristiane Amanpour
(hubba hubba).

In the not-too-distant past, I had a personal encounter with one of our
feathered friends while on a routine training flight in a Cessna 150
(hey...not THAT personal).  For those of you who don't know, the C150 is
just about the smallest trainer that a sane person would consider
flying, and cruises slower than most a.t'ers drive.  In fact, the cabin
accomodations of this ridiculously small airplane are tasteless in
themselves on a hot summer day, but I digress.

So, picture if you will an impotent gnat of a plane climbing out on a
hazy summer morn, yours truly dutifully manning the controls whilst an
instructor distractedly sips at the obligatory 32 oz. coffee.  At maybe
200 ft AGL, 65 KIAS, there suddenly occurred a ``schlorpThunk''
whereupon the aircraft shuddered mildly.  At this point, the indicated
airspeed went berserk, and the windscreen became schlocked with what I
could only assume were remains of an ex-bird.  As it turns out, at least
two birds struck the aircraft:  one essentially got blended by the prop,
and the other struck (and was pretty much stuck to) the wing.  The
airspeed craziness was caused by bird giblets obscuring the pitot tube.

SO, there I am flying a plane with a windscreen spangled in birdjuice
and other assorted goop.  At this point, much of the stuff was slinging
itself off the windscreen, but the juicier components remained.  Little
rivulets of bird meandered over the plexiglass in the airstream,
eventually drying up somewhat.

Needless to say, the planned day's flying was aborted, and I had to
inform the tower of our little incident.  I entered the pattern and
landed normally, albeit without reliable airspeed indications.

ObOlfactoryT: My instructor's breath was usually a miasmatic mix of
coffee, cigarrettes, and some obnoxious lunch.  The C150 has about as
much room in it as a phone booth ('cept you're sitting) and there were
times that I figured it was almost preferable to kamikaze into the
ground, rather than smell this halitotic haze.  At times this
godzilla-breath smelled like someone had collected the throat nuggets of
two hundred asian grad students, and set them ablaze atop a burning
tire.   But that butthole sure could fly...

ObAskGeoff:  I've always wanted to know sumpin'...how did pilots take a
whiz in the F4? I've heard of various methods, most of which involve
baggies.  True?  There's gotta be tastelessness in this...