Operation FREAKSHOW Report Author: The Carrot Email: stevem@shore.net Date: 1998/09/29 Forums: alt.tasteless Saucer Operations Group Mr President, At your specific bequest (Executive Order 050464) the Department of Governmental Conspiracy has begun the covert observation of the American public, keyword FREAKSHOW. While currently limited in scope due to budgetary constraints it is believed that this operation will be a rousing success provided the actions recommended by the observers are carried out in a timely and efficient manner. METHODOLOGY: Under the guise of taking lunch, this operative proceeded to Boston Common on a warm and sunny afternoon with the intent of making covert observations of the local occupants. Observation Blind Number One, a concrete and wooden bench on the sidewalk leading to the Frog Pond, was occupied. The eating of a hotdog (with mustard and kraut in honor of General Gehlen, founder of the department) and the drinking of a Diet Coke was deemed necessary in order to maintain deep cover. Mirrored sunglasses were used at all times to obscure eye tracking motion from the victims. It was expressed to the field agent by subject number 3 (see below) that the wearing of the dark suit and mirrored glasses reflected a government, specifically CIA, origin for the field agent. Perhaps the "businessman eating lunch" disguise is not as effective as first thought; this will be reviewed in the 11/16 meeting at the Bilderberger headquarters at Area 51. SUBJECTS: The following subjects were observed. Recommendations for the ultimate disposition of each subject are also attached. SUBJECT NUMBER 1: Subject 1 appeared to be an advertising icon brought to life; the verisimilitude between the subject and Aunt Jemima was amazing. However, whereas the familial status of Aunt Jemima was unknown this black behemoth was accompanied by two smaller objects which were first thought to be monkeys, then were determined to be small children. A quick translation of the gutteral speech emanating from all three of them follows: Child One: We’re gonna see my daddy! Child Two: We’re gonna see my daddy first! Child One: Nu-uh. Mine firstest! Aunt Jemima (belting Child Number One in the back of the head): Shut up and walk! As a side observation, all three subjects were literally covered with scabs of an unknown origin; after recalling a disgusting first grade memory of an infected classmate, this agent feels that ringworm is a possibility. The field agent wisely covered his Diet Coke with his hand and shielded his hotdog to avoid any cooties. Recommendation: This specimen should be added to the subhuman slave-race breeding project. The subject will notice little, if any, difference and may even be appreciative when we transfer her to the secret Negroid breeding facility that we’ve cleverly disguised as the city of Chicago. The young ones will, of course, be issued their MAC-10s and bag of crack when they reach an appropriate age. The ringworm will of course be cultured in the hope that that particular strain only infects melanin-enhanced individuals (the cultivation of race-specific diseases is a key part of our racial inequity conspiracy, keyword THE_MAN.) SUBJECT NUMBER 2: After consuming the hotdog this field agent then left Observation Blind Number One and proceeded to randomly patrol the assigned area. Upon approaching the band shell Subject Number 2 was observed. A thin white male, approximate age 35, was seen careening down the sidewalk. After puzzling over his unusual gait it was determined that he was a motor-dysfunctional ‘tard, possibly a victim of cerebral palsy or Huntington’s disease; however, his spastic walk could scarcely be attributed only to a failing nervous system and at closest approach this was confirmed by the strong smell of cheap booze leaking from every pore of his defective and misfiring body. A retarded drunk! This was the most rewarding subject observed during the day. Further proof of intoxication was his desperate plea of "Hello. Suck my dick?" to every woman under the age of 75 whom he passed/passed him. This robotically-repeated phrase changed when this field agent strolled past. "Hello. Gotta quarter?", the drunken lurching spastic asked. "Here’s a nickel, fuckwad." With this witty retort the now-empty Diet Coke can was lobbed at the intoxicated retard’s feet. At the sight of the wobbly dork trying to recover the can but only managing to kick it further away this field agent released a laugh, only to stop laughing when he realized that an older nun was giving him a Particularly Stern Look. Note to office: I know the Catholics are world-class conspirators and have given us some much-needed advice, but must we put up with this shit? Where are the Knights Templar when you need them? Recommendation: Subject Number 2 should remain in Boston Common. Any women who fall for his line should be removed for further study. If he asks the elderly nun for a blowjob he should receive some sort of reward, perhaps a nice shiny quarter. SUBJECT NUMBER 3: Subject 3 was a shabbily-dressed older black man who was picking through the trashcans that are scattered through Boston Common in a vain attempt to control the uncontrollable epidemic of trash that has plagued our urban areas since the invention of fast food (note: Fast food has been one of the Department of Governmental Conspiracy's finest programs, easily comparable to the subliminal advertising we've been placing in tampon ads since 1978). He bore a striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman, particularly if Mr Freeman decided to leave the house wearing three shirts, two pairs of pants, old sneakers, and hadn't washed for several weeks. It was at first thought that Subject 3 was searching for cans until he was observed to remove the remains of an old sandwich, sniff it, and then wolf it down quickly, perhaps fearing that an errant pigeon would rob him of his lunch. After carefully circling upwind the subject was approached. Upon seeing a grinning man in a dark suit with sunglasses approach, subject gulped, yelled "CIA! In my head!" and ran, only stopping when he reached the next trashcan, at which point the subject began searching for more culinary delights, all thoughts of our field agent banished from his lesioned brain. Recommendation: Termination, no reuse of organs unless Democratic Primary is desperately in need of dark horse candidate. Subject Number 4: Subject Number 4 was a young girl, apparently of mixed Chinese/Hispanic descent, approximate age 20. Dressed in a pair of tight black shorts and wearing a white tanktop that clearly outlined every square inch of her upper body, her nipples proudly erect, she instantly drew this field agent's attention as she walked past. Recommendation: Placement as fucktoy within the office (after cerebral implant, of course). The folks who stage the "alien abduction" charade have promised us that they'll do what they can, but you just can't trust that goddamn department not to keep the goods so we’re not holding our breath... Final Thoughts: As the duration of this study was budgeted at 60 minutes further observations were not made. It is recommended that a Saturday afternoon be devoted to making more observations, perhaps in the guise of a tourist with a camera in order to obtain photographic proof. Future hotdogs will, unfortunately, not contain sauerkraut unless time is budgeted for the rapid and unscheduled exit of said substance and coworkers are given Material Safety Data Sheets concerning possible toxic fumes. Mr President, I remain - The Carrot Chief of Operations, Department of Government Conspiracy