Re: Olestra Update

Author: Citizen Ted
Email: hamster@omit.nas.com
Date: 1998/06/17
Forums: alt.tasteless 

Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov wrote:
 
>Didn't our esteemed Armchair Anthropologist Citizen Ted do a field test of
>some Wow! chips a few months back?  Tedsky - can you confirm or deny the
>"two tablespoons" estimate?  I recall you were talking about a much larger
>fluid content than that.

>I think that, in light of this new data, we should attempt to recreate
>Ted's original study and report our findings to the FDA in characteristic
>alt.tasteless vivid detail.

        Just for fuckin' kicks, I have decided to re-post my Olestra
story, entitled "Lights....Camera....Anal Leakage!". But first, I
would like to preface this annoying re-post with some afterword:

        I have since re-dosed on Olestra in order to make a more empirical
study of the matter. I ate, in no certain order, another bag of Olean
Ruffles(TM) and a bag each of Olean(TM)Potato Chips, Olean(TM) BBQ
Potato Chips and Olean Doritos(TM). 
        The tests were spaced seven days apart so I could "clear my tongue"
between each re-dose. I tried to maintain my normal diet (!) before,
during and after testing.  
        
        All successive re-doses were free of anal leakage, though voluminous
and rather sticky farts did occur within 18 hours of every dose. But,
as with the first test, I found there to be just a bit of urgent
liquishit, quickly followed by a very smooth and enjoyable session of
wimpy, soft turds. 

        I actually enjoyed having a day or two of grunt-free, "waist-trimming"
shits with every dose. I can see why these things will be popular once
the FDA buys a clue, forgets about Olestra and starts investigating
all those aromatherapy assholes out there. 
        In conclusion, I find Olestra harmless, but I have nonetheless stopped
eating it. I prefer a bit more control over my "regularity".

        As ever,

        - TR
        - switching back to pretzels.
        
        
                
        The corporate powers that be claim to have come up with a fat
substitute which will transform American society from a bunch of
waddling, swag-bellied nincompoops into a happy collection of fit and
trim yuppie bastards.
        This magical fat substitute is known as olestra, and it is being
test-marketed here in the northwest states.
        Being the scientifically-minded chap that I am, I rushed right out and
purchased a bag of Frito-Lay(R) Wow(TM) Ruffles(R) potato chips. These
technological wonders were manufactured using Olean(R), a "nicer" word
for the chemical-grease olestra.
        The chips had the consistency of regular fried Ruffles(R). They were
far more palatable than those nasty "baked" cardboard diet chips.
There was no greasiness to them and there was no vegetable oil on my
fingertips. Instead, the chips produce this strangely rubbery-slick
chemical residue on your tongue which lasts for hours (it's now 8:30am
on the following morning and I *still* can taste a trace of that weird
chemical). My fingertips were also polluted with that strange,
almost-rubbery, substance. It's kinda like the tack guitarists used to
put on their fingertips.
        
        As many of you fat fuckers know, olestra is being marketed as a
fat-free alternative to greasy snacks. Time will tell if the American
public will stand the harshly chemical nature of olestra ("made from
farm-grown cottonseeds!")  and create a valuable market for
olestra-laden foods.
        Olestra works (and I welcome scrapie's input) by acting as a fat
molecule too thick to be absorbed by the small intestine. Instead, it
is flushed out the poop chute, taking with it many nutrients like
vitamins E and K, which are not readily absorbed when olestra pollutes
your fuel line. (Manufacturers have spiked their olestra foods with
vitamins to satisfy all those reactionary hippie dieticians who can't
wait to bash anything that doesn't taste like pine bark).
        Now, since olestra is essentially flushed right out of your system,
you are warned on the package that eating these foods "may cause
abdominal cramping and loose stools".
        
        Now remember: I'm a scientist. 
        So I ate the whole 5oz bag in one sitting.

        Fast forward to 7:30am this morning. I'm laying in bed, dreaming away
about Swedish minky and '77 Lincoln Continentals when I feel the urge
to fart. 
        Now, anyone who's acquainted with me knows that each and every urge to
fart is quickly acted upon, regardless of the social situation. Thus,
farting in bed is a goddamn fait accompli. But along with this fart
came the sleep-snapping alarm of *anal leakage*. Instead of a nice,
dry fart, I was rudely awoken by the tell-tale mental signals of
liquishit attempting an unauthorized egress from my puckered starfish.
        As red lights and brass bells went off in my head, I raced knock-kneed
into the bathroom, and sat on the Throne to see what may come out. 
        I was relieved to have given birth to a few soft stools, which pushed
their way past my anal leakage glop with an almost back-scratching
cathartic release. The odor was quite carnal and harsh, much like the
odor Asian people claim white folks exude at all times.
        The wiping job was rather sloppy, as the anal leakage had spread a
swath or two of watery excrement across my tender butt cheeks.
Overall, my anal experience was only mildly distressing and, in fact,
rather entertaining. I prefer soft stools to those hard, knobbly turds
which feel like Swan is pulling his spike-gloved hand out of your
virginal nether-hole.
        There was no abdominal cramping to speak of. Being lactose-intolerant,
I am keenly aware of the reality of abdominal cramps. IMHO, olestra is
safe, but is certainly unnatural and kinda weird. It's just another
crappy chemical diet food, albeit one which makes salty snacks nice
and crispy.

        You can look forward to my full article in the journal Nature within
seven weeks. The story is titled "Olestran Anal Leakage: Myth or
Monster?".

        - TR
        - you gotta keep publishing to stay in the game.