SisSparki: A Study
 
Author:  Citizen Ted
Email: hamster@omit.nas.com
Date: 1998/05/29
Forums: alt.tasteless 
        
        It's me again -- AT's resident armchair anthropologist! 
        
        I was recently alerted to the existence of a potential subject known
as SisSparki. Apparently, this subject seems to have stumbled into
alt.tasteless, not unlike our much beloathed Marin Phenice Heiskell.
        This was exciting news here at ArmAnthro headquarters! Like any good
scientist, I went out and gathered evidence. Through many minutes of
rigorous investigation, I came up with some ideas. 

        First off: the AOL account. But hey -- anybody can pick up an AOL disc
and become SisSparki, right? An AOL domain is not necessarily an
indication of pre-Oldavi genetic lines. 
        But when we look deeper, we begin to see a pattern of converging
evidence which proves -- to a statistical and scientific certainty --
that SisSparki is authentic and genuine.
        For one, there is her (and I believe we have a her here) geographical
data: the dubious and alarming state of Florida. (Maury Povich once
joked: "If it weren't for California, Texas and Florida, I couldn't
have a show!" -- a prescient statement when one considers the talk
shows of today). 
        Additionally, Dejanews shows posts from her account dating back to
only 1/30/98. Newbie? Seems that way. But once again: a crafty troll
could open an AOL account in a snap. 

        We do see a pattern emerging here. But we need to look deeper. We need
to discover what is inside this SisSparki; to drink in all that she is
and piss forth her true essence. We must descend into her depths with
our headlamps blazing, seeking out every gloppy, unexamined corner to
find out what lay at the heart of this wet, dripping young cave.

        To do this, we must employ our most powerful clues: her posts
themselves. Let's look at her 'meaningful' contributions to this
august forum:
        
        In <1998052611575500.HAA01775@ladder03.news.aol.com>, SisSparki
wrote:
>call him Poopsie
>***SPARKI***
>"Why ask why? Just GO for it!"

        Here we see SisSparki's incisive view into the complex phenomenon of
sardonic wit. This is more than just a miserable failure of
conversational etiquette; it is, by any standard, an indication of
proto-simian ineptitude, in both content and scope.
        The .sig file is so sophomoric that one is tempted to conclude that we
are dealing with a teenager here, perhaps a young woman whose
intellect teeters on the edge of functional idiot/dunderheaded
cheerleader. 
        While one may be tempted to consider this the work of a troll, it just
doesn't seem to fit the profile. Trolls are, more often than not,
verbose in their forged portrayals. They enjoy the spectacle and
prefer to write posts with an appreciable amount of text.
        Such an approach is not noted here.
        Let's delve deeper:

        In <1998052613093800.JAA09945@ladder01.news.aol.com>, SisSparki wrote:
<text condensed to save space>
>beauty bar Pleasure bar scepter little friend hot stick hot rod hot bar link 
>(as in SAUSAGE link) power cord hot wire the biggie
>the one-eyed superhero

        At first glance, it seems SisSparki is merely sharing with us some
terms she finds humorous to describe the male sex organ. But the
careful armchair anthropologist sees something much more. 
        Contained in this post is the length and breadth of our subject's
ability to prepare a cogent, humorous tract which others will find
amusing. That being the case, we can conclude that the subject is
shallow as a skidmark and about as bright as a bag of hammers. 
        Extrapolated to a cultural context, the continued existence and
reproduction of the subject will certainly have a notable impact on
the overall value of the society she inhabits. This is troubling for
the staff here at ArmAnthro, for it has been shown by others in the
field (Biafra, Jello 1996 ) that such a thinning of the intellectual
herd can have a devastating impact on global stability. 
        When left unchecked, reproducing humanoids who represent the lowest
common denominator can overtake and emasculate the hard-won efforts of
people who lead examined lives and seek to expand the memes of
reflection and critical thinking.
        In short, this post is a dire warning of things to come. It gives us
all a clear indication of the eventual dissolution of the society in a
miasma of irresponsibility and corporate/governmental controls. 
        If a picture speaks a thousand words, this post betrays the future
downfall of entire civilizations.
        Moving right along:

        In <1998052705085801.BAA22373@ladder01.news.aol.com>, SisSparki wrote:

>i bet your favorite song is TIMOTHY

        Again, a painfully short post indicative of an authentic idiot. The
content is unimportant here, as the context makes the case without
further investigation.
        Misplaced posts in irrelevant newsgroups swing the needle deep into
the paleolithic. 
        
        This being the case, let's look at some Usenet history:

        (Note: all excerpts are presented in edited form; it is unethical and
unnecessary to quote entire posts from unconnected newsgroups.)

        In what seems to be her maiden post,
<19980130081601.DAA14879@ladder03.news.aol.com>, SisSparki reviews the
book  "Summer of the Green Star" by Robert C. Lee. The book is
compared favorably to the film "Starman", a forgettable piece of
Hollywood tripe bandied about HBO and Showtime for seven or eight
long, long years. 
        Her enthusiasm for this book is an undeniable indicator of a regressed
intellect with a shockingly low tolerance for thoughtful prose. There
are no salutes to Nabakov here. Just bubble-gum observations about
wankstain teen literature. 
        Very disturbing.

        In <1998042315304800.LAA28923@ladder01.news.aol.com>, our subject
makes some frighteningly banal observations about the cast of the TV
program "Lois and Clark". 
        As if on cue, we can see here the catatonic drooling of a subject
utterly enthralled by the jingoistic and intellectually insulting
claptrap known as corporate media. 
        The convergence is, by this time, nearly complete.

        Of course, anyone interested in doing their own armchair anthropology
can look up the subject in Dejanews and arrive at a similar
conclusion. 
        The clincher here is direct evidence of unevolved intellect in a
purportedly modern human. Again, in order to preserve privacy rights
which extend even to the lowest forms of life, I cannot disclose here
the complete dossier I've compiled. 
        What I can do, however, is include information which, by her own
admission, she wants others on the Internet to be aware of:

        1) Though she has gone through the trouble of naming herself
SisSparki, she is adament about never being called "Sis", though
"Sparki" is deemed acceptable. IOW, she makes a public assertion of
her preferred moniker, then modifies it without bothering to simply
modify the moniker. 

        2) A claimed birth year of 1967. This terrifying bit of trivia is most
disconcerting for the staff here at ArmAnthro, as we were previously
convinced the subject could not possibly be older than 19. This
re-assessment of the antiquity of the subject has sent shock waves
through the staff. Slide rules and calculators blazed into action, and
the overall concensus was a probable IQ of 85-97, depending upon the
sexual interest of the staff member doing the measuring. 
        It is important to consider these numbers in the context of a culture
preparing for a new millenium of technological complexity and daunting
sociological/economic shifts. 

        3) Finally, we have her .sig file, with addendum:
           >>"Why ask why? Just go for it! YEEHAH!!!!!"<<
        
        Before you ask, fellow ATer's, the answer is YES, I do see the
transparent nod to corporate sloganism here, unabashedly averred and
publicly trumpeted. One harkens back to the fashion droids who *pay
money* to wear clothing which acts as *free advertising* for the
corporation who required payment for the clothing! 
        By her regurgitating the very spew that Madison Avenue has programmed
into her, we at ArmAnthro have safely concluded that there is no sieve
of analysis going on anywhere within the subject's brain; nor is there
any indication of deductive skills or aesthetic aspirations.

        Conclusion:

        It is the conclusion of the staff here at Armchair Anthropologist that
the subject, SisSparki, is a rather redundant example of proto-human
offal. Like her fellow drones, she is neither innovative nor
particularly interesting. Her value lay in her convenience, where the
staff can monitor her activities and use the data as confirmation of
previous theories. 
        Several staffers made note of her personal entries and admitted a
slight bit of sexual excitement, despite the lack of critical
information (weight, sexual disposition, etc). These staffers were
advised to masturbate into a cup and get back to work.
        Overall, the subject is seen as having little value as a human being,
and even less value as a subject of more intensive study. It was noted
that subjects just like her number in the millions despite the
proliferation of alternative media, a thriving sub-culture and the
supposed end-evolution of modern homo sapiens sapiens. 

        The only practical advice from the staff for those in alt.tasteless
was to deride the subject for her public failures until the
humiliation causes her to flit elsewhere in Usenet. (This is known
colloquially as the "shut the fuck up and go away" approach).

        Without reservation, Armchair Anthropologist supports such an
approach, and offers its entire library of cruel thrusts and derisive
witticisms to any alt.tasteless regular who requires them.

        - TR
        - carefully ironing elbow patches onto my tweed jacket.