THE ROYAL RESIDENCE 4 WARNING: This episode is nastier than usual. Send the kids outside. ================================================================= THE ROYAL RESIDENCE ================================================================= This is episode four. As Mr Cheez was playing nurz this morning, he regaled me with the tale of the out-of-towners who came by the club where he is doorman of an evening. One of them had to go pee and asked if they could come in to take care of this chore. Mr Cheez told them there was a five-dollar cover charge per person if they all went in. He let the peer go in while the others waited outside. The other male in this matched set of hetties asked, Is this a queer club. Mr Cheez declared that it wasn't. Well, continued the hettie, We been up the street a ways and you wouldn't believe the things we saw! I'm sure Mr Cheez would not only believe what they saw but would probably help with it or take over -- as would I. Stray breeders exploring San Francisco and discovering the wildlife in the Castro can be both amusing and enraging. They've heard all the way back to Podunk what to expect in Sodom by the Sea. Then they come out here and stare at it (and maybe try it out to see if it really does exist) and then get all upset. I dare them to pull this shit on Valencia Street with a few diesel dykes. They could easily end up wearing their balls for a necktie. Mr Cheez came over yesterday to just kick back in a major way. I knew we were going to have a party when he took one of my extra large size butt doilies and put it under himself as he flopped down on the end of my bed. I also suspected something was up because he was wearing a shirt with holes cut to expose his nipples and the surrounding pec (if you can call it that). (A bodybuilder Mr Cheez is not, but then I am not one to talk since I have more than a passing resemblance to the Buddha.) There was no question about his concerns when he announced, Damn -- I'm hornier than a three-peckered porcupine. Next he jumped up and got the shears off my desk. He flopped back down as before and proceeded to cut the crotch out of his pants. I was not quite prepared for this. He reached into the sports bag he had with him and withdrew a small urinary catheter and a tube of KY jelly. By this time I am rapt with attention. He's told me about his play times but I had never seen him perform. He smeared the business end of the small polyethylene catheter with jelly and proceeded to insert it into his urethra. As he began this operation, he remarked that these thin ones were liable to fall out, but he didn't know who on earth had a dick big enough for the 24 Fr jobbie an admirer gave me to give him for Greed Day. A 24 Fr is the size of a pencil. Wheeeeeee!!! (And you _will_ squeal like a piggy!) Inch by inch he instroduced it until the tip was snaked through his prostate (which is in itself a minor trip) and pressing lightly against the bladder sphincter. Then he paused to begin another fascinating task, that of running the sharpened point of a dental pick over the seam in his ballsac, the creases where thigh meets groin, and up the underside of his shaft. Mr Cheez likes to hold his urine until the sense of urgency is great. Then he does these other things to make the tension positively nextdoor to unbearable. Putting the pick aside, he again manipulated the catheter until it passed into his bladder. In a few seconds there was a fine stream of yellow squirting from the other end and making a dark spot on the leg of his play pants. He withdrew the catheter to stop the flow after only a couple ounces of mellow yellow had been released. He went back to work with the pick and also now with titclamps. Mr Cheez was having a very good time which required not my participation but my audience. Next came the dildoes. The small one went into his back passage as though it were being sucked in. It had a nice base on it, porportionally large for its size, but neither of us was sure this would stop it from becoming unretrievable if used with complete abandon. It fell out about as easily as it went in. Next came the larger dildo. Here I got to participate. I deliberately inserted it with the curvature going the wrong way. Am I a bitch, or what? Mr Cheez likes to Take It with his legs thrown up, so I wanted him to have it the anatomically correct way. Mr Cheez fondled his meat, picked around, ground into the dildo, and did all manner of body English but was too tweaked to blast a nut. I believe he did finally finish peeing on himself and let it go at that. Interspersed with all this perversion was a running commentary with questions and answers that would have done the Marquis de Sade proud. I really don't care what trips my friends are into so long as I may remain a polite audience and not feel compelled to participate in what I do not understand. Mr Cheez is very good about this. All I, personally, really want is for a horny Mexican 20-something to pump my ass full of jizz. After some two hours of ministering unto himself, Mr Cheez was finally able to beat his meat into submission and have a spectacular nut in the wee hours of this morning. When he gets like this, he also tends to become dehydrated. His favorite tipple is a tangerine-flavored beverage completely void of any life-sustaining properties save simple sugar. He finds my hobby of guzzling cola-flavored aspartame puzzling. After I read this narrative to him, Mr Cheez buried his face with embarrassment but did not have me change a word. He only asked that I make it quite clear he doesn't carry on like this as a regular thing. He only gets completely out of control when he is flying on crystal meth. Miss Kooky came over this evening and took me out to din-din at the Virgin Cafe two blocks down the street. Some of the staff in there are simply more delicious-looking than the food. But you just aren't safe anywhere these days from bums. An obvious street person had got in and was going through all the vacated tables looking for scraps. As we headed back to the Royal Residence, she sang San Francisco-style songs for me-- The Cocksucker Rag ------------------ --with no apologies to Tom Lehrer First you get down on your kness Fiddle with his BVDs Give him head with great respect Suck his dick Suck his dick Suck his dick Suck whatever cock you want if You have cleared it with the pontiff Everybody does his own When he's home and all alone Doin' the Cocksucker's Rag And then this great Tony Bennett tune-- I sucked his dick in San Francisco High on a hill he came on me We did it in a car Behind a sissy bar His sticky cum, it fills my hair --I don't care... In more uplifting spheres, Queen Bee called me this evening. We kept being interrupted by the electronically disembodied "operator" wanting another dime for another minute. I got her to give me the number of the tardfarm payphone so I could call her and we could get down and do some uninterrupted gabbing. I felt sort of sheepish when Bee said she would get the tardvan to bring her here to see ME since I haven't gotten over there to see THEM. According to Bee, the crazy old men from the county hospital are still there, George and Joe are still getting along as roomies, and the smoking policy has been changed so that no one may smoke indoors even during designated smoking hours in the designated areas. I guess the city code finally caught up with them. For lunch today I took Mr Cheez to the Virgin Cafe. He hadn't been there before, though we have gone through the software and the classical compact disc sections of this megamedia store. Mr Cheez was quite taken with the black-wearing 20-somethings and Gen Xers constantly drifting in and out. As he munched away on his Curry Chicken Wrap (spicy chicken burrito in the unenlightened parts of town), he saw one drop-dead cute boy and asked me, Do they serve shit here? Nearly choking in my wonderful see-clearly-to-the-bottom non-tardfarm non-murky chicken soup, I said I didn't think they did but that some of the chocolate decadence cakes might make a glorious substitute. Well, he said, See that boy over there? -- I'd like to get about three bowls of his shit just to see where it came from. =================================================================