TRIALS OF ST TIMMY'S 32 ================================================================= THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S -- The Continued Saga of Paul Ess's Rehabilitation ================================================================= This is episode 32. On Tue, 30 Jul 1996, Daniel Contreni wrote: > If I were in your position, I would be going apeshit from > boredom. I assume the "activities" they put on for the other > folks there don't entertain you. What do you do when you're > not 'netting? Here's a typical day as best I can reconstruct same: 5 am - Awakened by crashing around in the halls, grogans being blasted off dydees and the dydees being dumped into giant garbage pails and lids slammed on -- bitch bitch bitch. Snooze until 6:15-6:45 - Med cart nurse comes in for morning fingerstick. Snooze/watch teevee until 7:15 - Breakfast in bed. When I get out of here I promise I will NEVER eat a meal in bed again. ARRRGGGHHH! 7:45 - CNA brings water and towels. I wash the top half; he (hopefully) or she washes the bottom because I need to be careful about getting irritations started. Any red spot gets immediate attention and get logged and watched. At home I will be using a hand mirror in some pretty kinky ways. 8-8:15 - I have slid into my chair and am shaving and starting up the 'puter. I net from now til sometimes after ten. Play solitaire on the computer or write Timmy's crap until 12:00 - Lunch -----All day long I have ceedees going on my ghetto blaster.----- Today's selections are Virgil Fox: Encores; and Marcel Dupre': Recital, two historic organ recitals remastered from the 50s New York performances; also John Tuttle playing Canadian organist/composer Healy Willan's works on the St Paul's/Toronto organ for which written; and Bach's Sch"ubler Chorales on a gorgeous recent Schantz erection in Indianapolis. We organ queens got it goin' _on_! (Heh heh heh, he said 'erection'.) 12;30 - Net some more; watch Brit comedies on PBS; slum with Opra and Ricki if nothing better to do. Or go into my .GIF collection and stare at naked men or morgue shit. A cock and a good fugue go together well. 4:30 - Afternoon finger stick 5:00 - Supper 5:30 - Net some more / solitaire / whatever 7:30 - 10pm - Watch PBS or fart around on the 'puter 8-8:30 Call for assist getting back in bed. Immediately go for bedpan cuz I've been holding it until now. Stay on pan up to one hour to make sure I'm finished. Crack jokes with CNA about characteristics of my output; refer to bedpan as the offering plate. 1 am and 3 am - Be awakened by night crew making too much noise, but that's okay because I usually have to pee anyway. Pee and hang the pisspot on the rail and ring for them to remove my hot, steaming brew. Scream at them (I wish) if they fail to rinse my pussy pitcher cuz it will sit there and smell and the next time I use it it will make me fragrant as well. Ick. * * * * * I'd like to do something con$tructive with my time. I could maintain spreadsheet files, databases and do text editing if I knew how to get connected with the job$. I suppose I could learn HTML and design web pages, but that might require upgrading this box which I cannot afford at this time. Accepting compen$ation or the gift of software or hardware upgrades makes a sticky legal situation. Under the law of the dole, all my income less $35 per month is to be paid to my caregiver$. I am legally prevented from being u$eful. Wednesday breakfast is the Mr Cheez Classic Invitational. Hash. Glub, I hate hash. Allison brought my Why Bother vitamin pill quite early today and saw the pile pushed off my plate onto the tray. She said, What is THAT? I said, They claim it's hash but it looks more like a dogpile to me. She said, We have four cats and I like to walk in the basement barefooted -- that looks like what I stepped in. Allison and I have agreed to call Wednesday breakfast Cat Hork Surprise. Yesterday Miss Ralph came to see me. Poor thang comes in here and hides out from her official duties now and then, and we just get into deep dish. "She" is sure that Danny, the smarmy maintenance man, can be Had so long as you let him think your sucking his dick was his idea. The animal was hanging out on the steps of Miss Ralph's apartment house and he doesn't know anybody else in the building yet said he wasn't there to see Miss Ralph. Oh, sure, and the Pope is Jewish. The next day Miss Ralph found him out in his workshop and said, I'd like to borrow your tool -- why don't we have a party in the boiler room? Danny chickened out. Come to find out Danny's sidekick has two brothers working here in the kitchen. This explains who the cute kitchen slaves are Mr Cheez and I have been cruising. I am getting sick and tired of waiting on these bureaucrats and HUD parasites to move me up on the list of ADA-compliant housing. I asked Miss Ralph to put out some feelers on places I could live in out here in the fucking weeds. I guess everybody wants to live in San Fagsissyco or Coketown. They piss and moan about the congestion and the crime but they don't flee and make room for me! One of Miss Ralph's friends said, How can you live in Hayweird and be GAY? Miss Ralph says there are three tardhives within two blocks of the downtown commuter train station and that one of them was renting to normals because they couldn't find enough tards. It looks like Miss Ralph and I are going to define what it is to live in the weeds and be GAY. If I cannot live near what I want, perhaps I can live near enough to the means for getting there. It isn't like train fare for a tard is going to be a big budget item. Tards and crips ride for a nickle on the dollar. Too bad about you upstanding citizens who pay through the nose. Girlz'n'boyz, I just found MORE brochures! These PT/OT people are seriously in bed with this institution. These are the slickest yet-- ST TIMOTHY CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL NEUROLOGICAL REHABILITATION PROGRAM The Neurological Rehabilitation Program at St Timothy Convalescent Hospital offers Skilled Nursing, Post-Acute and Sub- Acute patients a variety of Facility Rehabilitation Services including intensive in-patient treatment, on-going assessments [mainly of your pocketbook], respite care [where busy, grasping yuppies take a vacation from chasing after doddering Aunt Sarah], supervised living services [is _that_ what you call being trapped here?], long-term maintenance services [Glub deliver me!] and community re-entry services [YES, Jayzuz!]. Our treatment is individualized to accommodate patients with neurological impairments [or anything else that will rake the money in]. Our goal is to restore each individual to the highest level of functioning and independence and to facilitate a return to community living [but not until we've bled them all we want]. EXAMPLES OF NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS TREATED [Which one of these wonderful syndromes will reduce _you_ to a slobbering fool?] BRAIN CONDITIONS Cerebral Vascular Diseases (CVAs, Strokes) Cerebral Hemorrhage Cerebral Embolism and Thrombosis Subarachnoid Hemorrhage (aneurysmal, arterio venous malformation, idiopathic- cause unknown Acquired Traumatic Brain Injury Contusion or Hemorrhage Laceration Lesion [Mugging and Robbery] [Head through Windshield Syndrome] [Bad Drug Trip] Acquired coincident to other forms of brain injury (i.e. hydrocephalous, subarachnoid hemorrhage) Brain Neoplasms Astrocytomas Grade I & II Meningiomas [Embryonic Malformations, Delayed Onset] Acoustic Neurinomas Pituitary Adenomas Congenital Disorders Cerebral Palsy [Forceps Delivery Screw-ups] Hydrocephalous (can also be acquired) [Born Messed Up] Myelomeningocele Infectious Diseases Meningitis Brain Abscesses Viral Encephalitis Spinal Cord Injuries Spinal Cord Tumors Compression Myelopathies (pinched spinal cord) [Auto Wreck Syndrome] Guillain-Barre (myelopathic form) Peripheral Nerve Disorders Brachial or Lumbar Plexus Injuries Peripheral Nerve Tumors Pripheral Neuropathies Diabetic Toxic Guillain-Barre (polyneuritic form) Nutritional [?!] Miscellaneous Conditions Toxic, Anoxic & Hypoxic Incidents [Failed Kevorkianism] Encephalopathies Degenerative Disorders Multiple Sclerosis Parkinson's Disease Alzheimer's Syndrome [Old People/Mad Cow Disease] Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis St Timothy Convalescent Hospital 23456 Tardfarm Avenue Haywierd, California 94567 Phone (510) 555-1212 Fax (510) 555-2368 * * * * * ST TIMOTHY CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL ORTHOPEDIC REHABILITATION PROGRAM The Orthopedic Rehabilitation Program at St Timothy Convalescent Hospital specializes in providing a continuum of care for rehabilitation patients who are in need of high intensity, short- term treatment, who may be slow to recover, or who are in transition to an acute rehabilitation unit. [I have no idea what this gobbledeygook means.] GOALS FOR PROGRAM To provide the highest quality and level of rehabilitation medical care to return the patient home and into the community to an independent lifestyle [just as soon as their wallet and insurance policy are empty]. PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS Physical, Occupational, and Speech Therapy services offered 7 days a week [if your provider will hold still for it] Full time Occupational, Physical, and Speech Therapy staff with extensive experience in comprehensive, coordinated rehabilitation [where all three get together and argue over who bills how much for what] Highly experienced nursing staff [grogans blasted while U wait] Fully-equipped rehabilitation unit and treatment area [The ERR had more toys than this place does -- a lot more] Social work services for individual and family counseling and discharge planning [This is where Miss Ralph does her thang] Active recreational therapy and activities programs [You too can beat on plastic drums with sticks to obnoxious old crumblies music] Evaluation of the home setting by a licensed occupational therapist (as indicated) [Yeah, check out my digs and tell me why it won't work without a whole lot of tardtoys your company will be happy to supply] Interdisciplinary team approach to resident care [where everybody makes work for everybody else so all can bill bill bill] Family conferences as part of the individually planned program [where we listen to you bitch and take our damned sweet time doing anything] Home programs designed for the individual [but not if I move out of the weeds into a real city] Family and caregiver training prior to discharge [so I can finally enrich my faithful friends by having them collect $ for being my companion/helper] SERVICES OFFERED Preadmission Assessment [where we decide the health of your wallet] Occupational, Physical, & Speech Therapy [we said that] Nursing Services [we said that too] Dietary Services [where we show you how to eat stuff you never even considered less than deadly] Social Services [been there done that] Recreational/Activities Program [is there an echo in here?] Respiratory Therapy [where we stick a great green oxygen tank next to your bed and pray it doesn't get knocked over and turn into a Roman candle] Community Reintegration (as indicated) [when we're quite done with you -- or disintegration by undertaker if we are] Home Evaluation (as indicated) [you really want to poke around in my house, don'tcha] Orthotics/Bracing Consultation [with the orthotic company who kicks back the most $ for the recommend] Medical Director [this must be Ming the Merciful but Sullen] ADMISSION CRITERIA Requires daily skilled nursing care; or requires skilled rehabilitation [We only want you if you're fairly fucked] Evidences potential for improvement [we leave hopeless tards to places like The ERR with all their hoses] Meets Medicare requirements for admission [It's that ole money thang again] St Timothy Convalescent Hospital 23456 Tardfarm Avenue Haywierd, California 94567 Phone (510) 555-1212 Fax (510) 555-2368 * * * * * The Activities Lady just brought me one of the two Polaroid shots of Mr Cheez and me on his crotch rocket. (I'm in the side car.) I'm Joe Cool with my Lennonesque shades. That Yamaha really is a bitchin' machine. No wonder they all went nuts seeing it from the dining room. =================================================================