THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S 41 ================================================================= THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S -- The Continued Saga of Paul Ess's Rehabilitation ================================================================= Welcome to episode 41. Here is another unsolicited piece of fan mail, shared anonymously but with permission: Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 20:20:05 GMT From: To: pauless@rahul.net Subject: Tardly Tales Appreciated Unsolicited fan mail from a thirty-something mommy-type but secretly twisted a.t. lurker who has enjoyed every tasteless moment of the "Trials". I even grew winsome over the loss of your lover and having to play at his funeral and the passing of the old lady who raised so much hell. *BUT*: I nearly pissed my pants over the Otis/George duking it out in wheelchairs image. So, in your honor my boss and I have since started a "Tard Hall of Fame" ... where we work. Observing the lot that wafts through our doors day in and day out one would assume our field of membership was Tardness, not Brand XXX Products. Lots of withered limbs, 70-and-below IQs and missing digits. Other employees repeatedly tell us we are evil but they laugh at the shit anyway. They just don't have the cojones [balls]; the THE TASTELESSNESS needed to appreciate the Fish-White Underbelly of Life. Now when we see one approaching the building all we have to do is phone the other and say "THOF", [Tard Hall of Fame] and the other party is alerted to the impending tard display. Please allow us the great privilege of dubbing this the Paul Ess Tard Hall Of Fame. Just thought you'd like to know what all a.t. has spawned out in the "real" world, and keep those cards and letters coming... * * * * * For a while I thought I would have told it all in 25 chapters. Then I thought 30 would do it. Now we're up to 41, so I guess this lady's gonna get her wish. The tastelessness seems not to run out. Maybe I can wrap it up at 50 episodes. That should carry us through Christmas and possibly my move to a tardhive where I don't have a Buzzard across the hall yelling HELP HELP HELP HELP all afternoon because he thinks they didn't feed him lunch. Later he'll be all HELP HELP HELP HELP again because he thinks they didn't feed him dinner. This man is skinny as a rail -- he's literally a bag of obnoxious bones -- and has the appetite of the small horse. (He also has the shortest, thickest choad I've ever seen, though the Chink who was here for a while could hold a contest with him.) Miss Kooky seriously needs to drag Miss Crunt's ass over here to the tardfarm so I can see what is reputed to be the most stunningly awful tard simulation of all time. I hear tell this queen has the walk, the talk, and the drool down solid. I think we should bring him in here through the ambulance entrance in a wheelchair. He can greet the staff by licking his hand and then holding it out to shake. Last time I moaned about porking out instead of being porked heh heh heh heh heh, so I did some analysis. They treat food as medicine around here instead of cuisine, so I did my own version of the same thing. I looked up what the American Diabetes Association considers a good 1500 calorie/day diet and compared it with what I'm getting. I was astounded at the amount of fat calories I'm consuming. This includes their margarine on bread and in the cereal fer Crissakes as well as an estimate of residual cooking fat in fried foods. It truly is camouflaged if not outright hidden. ================================================================= SCHNELLBECHER, Paul - 215A 1 of 2 1500-Calorie Diet Plan ================================================================= MEAL EXCHANGE CHOICE per exchange ---------- --------------- -------------------- Breakfast 2 Starch/Bread [see luncheon] 1 Fruit 1/2 C fruit or 1/2 C juice 1 Milk 8 oz low fat milk or 8 oz yogurt 1 Fat 1 tsp or 1 bacon strip Luncheon 1 Starch/Bread 1 slice or 1/2 C pasta or 1/2 C corn or 1/3 C rice or 1 small potato 2 Meat 1 oz or 1 egg 1 Vegetable 1/2 C cooked or 1/2 C juice 1 Fat 1 tsp Dinner 2 Starch/Bread 1 slice or 1/2 bun 3 Meat 1 oz 2 Vegetable 1/2 C cooked or 1/2 C juice 1 Fruit 1/2 C fruit or 1/2 banana 2 Fat 1 tsp Snack 1 Starch/Bread 1 slice 1 Milk 8 oz low fat milk or 8 oz yogurt ----------------------------------------------------------------- INVENTORY Bread slice, half bagel, half bun or half cup cereal . . . . . 6 or half cup pasta or corn or third cup rice One half cup fruit or fruit juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Eight ounces low fat milk or 8 ounces yogurt . . . . . . . . . 2 One-half teaspoon fat or one bacon slice . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Ounce meat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 One-half cup cooked vegetable or vegetable juice . . . . . . . 3 ================================================================= SCHNELLBECHER, Paul - 215A 2 of 2 1500-Calorie Diet Plan ================================================================= ESTIMATED CURRENT INVENTORY Breakfast Exchanges --------- --------- Toast (3 half slices) 1-1/2 bread Fat 3 tsp 3 fat Cereal (cup) 2 bread Eggs (2) 2 meat Juice (1/2 cup) 1 fruit Milk (cup) 1 milk Lunch Exchanges ----- --------- Meat (2 oz) 2 meat Potato (1/2 - 1 cup) 1-2 starch Fat (if fried) 2-3 fat Bread (1 slice or roll) 1 bread Fat 2-3 fat Vegetable (1/2 cup) 1 Veg Salad (1/2 cup) 1 Veg Dessert fruit (1/2 cup) 1 fruit cake (slice or piece) 1 bread 1 fat Dinner Exchanges ------ --------- Meat (2 oz) 2 meat Potato (1/2 - 1 cup) 1-2 starch Fat (if fried) 2-3 fat Bread (1 slice or roll) 1 bread Fat 2-3 fat Vegetable (1/2 cup) 1 Veg Salad (1/2 cup) 1 Veg Dessert fruit (1/2 cup) 1 fruit cake (slice or piece) 1 bread 1 fat ----------------------------------------------------------------- SUMMATION PRESENT 1500 CAL --------- ------- -------- Breads and starches . . . . . . . . . 9.5-11.5 6 Fat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13-17 4 Meat (including eggs) . . . . . . . . 6 5 Fruit (including bananas) . . . . . . 3 2 Milk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 2 Vegetables . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2-4 3 ================================================================= arch9607:diet0902 There's enough fat in my daily diet to squeeze out of a Double Whopper and onion rings. Frankly, I prefer the Whopper. We're going to fix this. Such an amount of fat in a medically- supervised diet for anyone is atrocious. I cannot make these people understand that fat intake is as important to consider as sugar intake by a diabetic. With so many old people here, the fat content ought to be considered for them because they neither sow, sew, reap nor rip and don't need the calories. And they damn sure don't need the implied cholesterol. I have the unpleasant duty to announce that the Hippocratic Oath which begins "First, do no harm" has been replaced with the Hypocritic Oath which begins "First, take the money". Monsewer Jean woke up at five o'clock this morning and laid on that buzzer like it was going out of style which we all wish it would. He wanted water. The man has a pathological thirst and is not an uncontrolled diabetic. He'd pissed up the bed quite thoroughly, per usual. I guess he wanted to reload his choad. They rolled him around on the bed to change it -- and him -- and he's all LEAVE ME ALONE GODAMMIT! -- GODAMMIT LAY OFF YOU SONOFABITCH! Methinks he's learning bad words from The Buzzard. Nursey told me he had one leg drawn up so far his knee was behind his ear. Now that I think about it, if he drew up the proper leg and I stood on mine, I'd be able to avail myself of his datehole. Maybe not ... the next thing he demanded was prune juice! I don't want to bang my choadlet into rocks and make it any smaller. He ruined our morning and had both me and George screaming at him to JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. Nursey was so nervous after being called fifteen different kinds of bitch that she dropped my brekkie tray. Now he's over there cussing out the X-ray tech. They're breaking his back (probably by putting a film cassette under him). Good. NO NO NO NO NO NO MY BACK MY LEG he's carrying on. Why do I have a sly grin on my face? Ooooo, the X-ray tech just left. What a cutie. Queen Bee told me to be on the lookout for him. Hey, sonny, c'mere an' show me yer bone... The newsgroup alt.handicap is nearly as tasteless as -- guess what! -- a.t. There's a discussion going on about how to gear up a powered wheelchair. Some will go six to ten miles per hour without modification and here are some macho crips who want them to go faster. They also warn about using a cellular telephone while enroute someplace. Seems the phone's transmissions can interefere with the control electronics and cause the chair to go out of control. One of my anonymous fans is a paraphlegic who requires the constant non-comfort of an indwelling catheter. At night he hangs the pissbag over the edge of the bed, taking care not to kink the hose. His cat has taken to sleeping on the bag, probably for the warmth. Gee, a waterbed for pussy! =================================================================