fri1

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:29 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: minor disaster

>you've moved to Peterborough 'cause it has a better nightlife than >cambridge ?=20

I don't know that I wouldn't agree with that though - yes the pubs are = nice in Cambridsge, but there's not much club action. Peterborough's not = that great but there's hope for it yet. I suppose Cambridge does have = much better gig venues however. There is no real live music in = Peterborough, the borough council banned it 1973, we are kept on a = strict diet of tribute bands and pub rock.

>Went to a smart village pub in Market Deeping.....apparently Mark knows = >it. Ah, what's it called Jo?

The Waterton Arms in Deeping St James.
A lovely little pub with beer and a smashing pool table on which I = practised my devastating pool skills. But was still beatn by Nigel, who = plays like a GURL and my boyfriend Rob, who will let me win a little bit = but then makes sure he clears up right at the end.

Then we went home and had a threesome.
=20

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:29 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: GRATE!!!!!!

Kosso roat:-

>Grrrrrr........

>what is it with this constant abuse of the word GRAYT...?

>When what you really mean is GREIGHT.

>Stop it at once..... it's beginning to great.

I don't know what you mean

>So, did anyone check out those Java Applets?

Yeah, particularly liked the monsters one. But I hate it when you have = to subscribe to these things (not that you had to for that one, BUT)

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:29 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: GRATE!!!!!!

Grrrrrr........

what is it with this constant abuse of the word GRATE...?

When what you really mean is GREAT.

Stop it at once..... it's beginning to grate.

So, did anyone check out those Java Applets?

Hmmmmm..........??

It's too hot.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Dog With Exploding Head <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk> Subject: Bark!

Bark!!

Bark!!!

BARK!!!

!!!

KABOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk> Subject: Re: minor disaster

> I don't know that I wouldn't agree with that though - yes the pubs are = > nice in Cambridsge, but there's not much club action. Peterborough's not = > that great but there's hope for it yet. I suppose Cambridge does have = > much better gig venues however. There is no real live music in = > Peterborough, the borough council banned it 1973, we are kept on a = > strict diet of tribute bands and pub rock.

There's always the Gaslight tho, that's always Quite Good, even tho the bands are usually shit.

> > >Went to a smart village pub in Market Deeping.....apparently Mark knows = > >it. Ah, what's it called Jo?
>
> The Waterton Arms in Deeping St James.

Is that the one on Bridge Street that used to be the Bell?

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk> Subject: I'M BACK AND I'M MORE BAD-ASS THAN EVER

Hi Kids! Ah, it's lovely to be back in Leicester, it really is. Just got in to be told nobody expected me to be here today, so once i've sorted out my EXPENSES (isn't working for a living GRATE?) and done Various Things i shall piss off, oi reckon.

Here' a brief rundown of my various lunches over the past fortnight (note complete lack of marmite sandwiches, nearly).

2 Pot Noodles
3 Cheese Sandwiches
Cottage Cheese and Vegetables Sandwich (posh expensive one at the Festival Hall) Bread sticks dipped in MARMITE (mmmm...) Quorn Tandoori sandwich (very disappointing) All The Available Indian Stuff at Abbey Park 2 lots of tinned curry with pasta (much to the disgust of my continental flatmates)
A Twix
A cheese and pickle sandwich

I think that's most of it ... i developed a taste for shop-bought sarnies, which previously i believed to be overly decadent, but now I HAVE BEEN IN THE MELODY MAKER and thus am going to be rich, famous, etc. i guess i had best get used to such things.

Colchester: Flatmates wankers, thus spent a lot of time hiding in THE LAB. I now know what regressions, r-squareds, models, censoring and weighting (longitudinal and cross-sectional) are, and know more than i ever really wanted to do about the impact of childbirth/marriage/household composition and income are on each other. And i learnt SPSS too, which was most exciting. Saw Belle & Sebastian be MUCH better in COlchester than London, danced with Jarvis, went to a museum, got pissed several times, and got REALLY BORED for most of the rest of the time. Was dead sophisticated and read Mansfield Park and (most of) Tristram Shandy, smoked far too much, and went to Tesco's. That's what i did in Colchester.

Meanwhile, judging by Nic's wonderful archive wotsit, you lot seem to have been having FLAMING ROWS! Kids! Hey! Come on! Spread some Love Paste on your life sandwiches already!

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk> Subject: RE: I'M BACK AND I'M MORE BAD-ASS THAN EVER

>I think that's most of it ... i developed a taste for shop-bought sarnies, >which previously i believed to be overly decadent, but now I HAVE BEEN IN THE >MELODY MAKER and thus am going to be rich, famous, etc. i guess i had best >get
>used to such things.
>

I hate to fan the flames of your ego ('Its burning up, Jim! I cannae hold it together much longer!') but what/when? Do tell ...

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk> Subject: Re: I'M BACK AND I'M MORE BAD-ASS THAN EVER

Young Michael, asked:

>
> >I think that's most of it ... i developed a taste for shop-bought sarnies, > >which previously i believed to be overly decadent, but now I HAVE BEEN IN THE > >MELODY MAKER and thus am going to be rich, famous, etc. i guess i had best > >get
> >used to such things.
> >
>
> I hate to fan the flames of your ego ('Its burning up, Jim! I cannae > hold it together much longer!') but what/when? Do tell ...

I think there must be a ROGUE Michael-free lunchlist going around, cos it was on that previous... but for the benefit of you dear, and not at all to enable me to go on about it more, there was a bit about the Work EP in the tiny little indie singles section of the MM this week, in which it said it was "poptastic" and "the find of the week", that "john sims are like a female-fronted Arab Strap", and that i "sing sweetly." That's "sing sweetly." About me. Singing.

But i don't like to talk about it.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona

I did. Last night at the Jesus Green open air pool.....it was = definitely him, no question. And he's a pretty crap swimmer. He was ok = at front crawl, but he kept trying the backstroke, and he was = lousy....arms flailing all over the place, in a kung foo kinda stylee. = I'm going to start an "Eric Cantona to sign for Cambridge Utd" type = rumour.

The Jesus Green pool is brilliant. You shoul;d all come down there. = It's massive.....100 yards long and full of foreign totty (plus the odd = international footballer).....and, if like me, you're only used to = swimming in a 33 metre pool, first couple of times you go it seems to = stretch on for ever. You have to adapt your stroke accordingly - it's = improved my technique immensely. I think I'm ready to swim the channel = (well, a channel).

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: I had a dream...........

......and most oddly,
you, Mister Mark Hibbert, (star status pending), were in it.

Maybe its because your face is currently appearing in all music = magazines and billboards around the town.

I was at the beach and decided that I wanted to go sailing, I went to = find a 'topper' style boat one of those little ones with big sails. I = knew someone that owned one in the boat house by the beach but I = couldn't find it.

So I came back to a sort of youth club type building, where the = aforementioned Mister Hibbert was talking to lots of people. I informed = him that we couldn't find the boat, so what were we going to do instead? = He suggested ten pin bowling, and we looked in the yellowpages for the = address of the nearest place to bowl. We rang up and were told it would = cost =A34.95, (why I can remember all this I don't know) but there were = no spare lanes until tuesday.

At this point we all went off to a birthday party and I woke up.

Not a very exciting or stimulating dream, but odd none the less. Maybe it was caused by not defrosting my chinese chicken and egg fried = rice properly before I microwaved it?

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re: I went drinking with Crispian Mills

--IMA.Boundary.722836178
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     You borgieouiooiuousiuois fucker, our local pool at home was only 25
     metres... but then we did have a pool at our infant school, but it was
     only 10 metres long and less than a metre deep...

     Interesting eh?

     For lunch today I am having COCAINE and VODKA and CHAMPAGNE and maybe
     a few Hoegardens too, as I'm off to V97 at lunchtime today, and it's
     all on expenses! Noing!

     And also ZING!

     Today we're listening to the Bullet soundtrack again, it rules...

______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona Author: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net> at internet Date: 15/08/97 09:59

I did. Last night at the Jesus Green open air pool.....it was definitely him, no question. And he's a pretty crap swimmer. He was ok at front crawl, but he kept trying the backstroke, and he was lousy....arms flailing all over the place, in a kung foo kinda stylee. I'm going to start an "Eric Cantona to sign for Cambridge Utd" type rumour.

The Jesus Green pool is brilliant. You shoul;d all come down there. It's massive.....100 yards long and full of foreign totty (plus the odd international footballer).....and, if like me, you're only used to swimming in a 33 metre pool, first couple of times you go it seems to stretch on for ever. You have to adapt your stroke accordingly - it's improved my technique immensely. I think I'm ready to swim the channel (well, a channel). --IMA.Boundary.722836178
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id KAA04040; Fri, 15 Aug 1997 10:05:45 +0100 Received: by tesco.unipalm.pipex.com with Microsoft Mail id <01BCA961.DB60B040@tesco.unipalm.pipex.com>; Fri, 15 Aug 1997 09:59:01 +0100 Message-ID: <01BCA961.DB60B040@tesco.unipalm.pipex.com> From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
To: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>, "'Neil'" <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk> Cc: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>, "'Nigel Turner'" <nigelt@uk.uu.net>,

        "'mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk'" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>,
        "Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk" <Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk>,
        Gary Hawes <Gary.Hawes@brunel.ac.uk>,
        Nic Pillinger <nic.p@gordian.co.uk>
Cc: "pkn@cs.nott.ac.uk" <pkn@cs.nott.ac.uk>,
        "sean.price@service.britgas.co.uk" <sean.price@service.britgas.co.uk>,
        "lunch@kosso.com" <lunch@kosso.com>,
        "'Adrian_Harris@Sonymusic.Com'" <Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com>,
        Mark Hibbett <mjh18@le.ac.uk>,
        Gary Gilchrist +44 116 2561561 ext 4295 <gary.gilchrist@gecm.com>

Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona Date: Fri, 15 Aug 1997 09:59:00 +0100
MIME-Version: 1.0
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--IMA.Boundary.722836178--

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: See you there then!

Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk wrote:

> For lunch today I am having COCAINE and VODKA and CHAMPAGNE and > maybe
> a few Hoegardens too, as I'm off to V97 at lunchtime today, and > it's
> all on expenses! Noing!
>
> And also ZING!
>

Did you read about ade and I last night? The Verve ticket blag of the century....

It was beautiful.

So, we'll find you when we get there some time tomorrow. Do they arm you with a mobile
phone or any other such gadgetery? Or do you just have your clockwork laptop, a pair of
flip-flops and a pair of pants on your head?

Should be easy to spot. Cheers.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I went drinking with Crispian Mills

St Margarets Baths is closing in Leicester now because Tony Blair Doesnt Care about Whats Going On Out There, In LeicesterShiare. SO! More kids will be swimming where
they usually go:

The Grand Union Canal. It is great. I fell off my bike once and went in up to my ankles. It stank so much of chemicals and oil and pollution that I had to throw my plimsols away after they dried out, as they went sort of powdery and the soles fell off. Yet mums let thier kids swim in this! Mind you, most of the children in leicester are so bloody common and uncouth and badly dressed (and they leave thier bikes Right In shop doorways) that thier mums are probably doing it for the best. From now on I might well tell kids that a good place to swim is anywhere downstream of the iron works. Yes! Raising the tone of britians youth with mass poisoning!

>     You borgieouiooiuousiuois fucker, our local pool at home was only 25
>     metres... but then we did have a pool at our infant school, but it was
>     only 10 metres long and less than a metre deep...
>
>     Interesting eh?
>
>     For lunch today I am having COCAINE and VODKA and CHAMPAGNE and maybe
>     a few Hoegardens too, as I'm off to V97 at lunchtime today, and it's
>     all on expenses! Noing!
>
>     And also ZING!
>
>     Today we're listening to the Bullet soundtrack again, it rules...

>
>
>______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ >Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona >Subject: I went swimming with Eric Cantona >Author: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net> at internet >Date: 15/08/97 09:59
>
>
>I did. Last night at the Jesus Green open air pool.....it was definitely >him, no question. And he's a pretty crap swimmer. He was ok at front >crawl, but he kept trying the backstroke, and he was lousy....arms >flailing all over the place, in a kung foo kinda stylee. I'm going to >start an "Eric Cantona to sign for Cambridge Utd" type rumour. >

This is a good idea

>The Jesus Green pool is brilliant. You shoul;d all come down there. >It's massive.....100 yards long and full of foreign totty (plus the odd >international footballer).....and, if like me, you're only used to >swimming in a 33 metre pool, first couple of times you go it seems to >stretch on for ever. You have to adapt your stroke accordingly - it's >improved my technique immensely. I think I'm ready to swim the channel >(well, a channel).

I'm attempting channel 5 nest week. I want to swim Kirsty Young.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: B A R G A I N S ! !

>Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk wrote:
>
>> For lunch today I am having COCAINE and VODKA and CHAMPAGNE and >> maybe
>> a few Hoegardens too, as I'm off to V97 at lunchtime today, and >> it's
>> all on expenses! Noing!
>>
>> And also ZING!
>>
>
>Did you read about ade and I last night? The Verve ticket blag of the >century....
>
>It was beautiful.
>
>So, we'll find you when we get there some time tomorrow. Do they arm you >with a mobile
>phone or any other such gadgetery? Or do you just have your clockwork >laptop, a pair of
>flip-flops and a pair of pants on your head?

Don't forget the strange green Heavy Metal muscle vest T shirt arrangement and the black nylon waterproof fishing trousers! It ROCKS!

Pauly aint no fashion slave. Respect!

>
>Should be easy to spot. Cheers.
>
>

What do you look like? I heard that a Kosso is a small furry marsupial with powerful front claws for digging up termites and small fungi, and digs deep burrows with huge underground caverns. Thats how they managed to build the Northern Line so cheaply.

Just had ROB in to the lab. we talked about green transport for a bit, and I waxed lyrical about HGV road tax only to be FLOORED by Robs superior knowledge of just about everything. I dunno. Call someone a professor and they start knowing STUFF. he caught me preparing my lunch.

Mushroom Pate! It is absolutely delicious! First time I've had it.

Somerfields, should be about a quid, reduced to 69p

French bread!! Fresh!! 39p, somerfields.

Orange Juice has gone DOWN!! But not in my estimation!! 35p!!

THIRTY FIVE P!!!! YES!! at these prices the dearest part of shopping is the 0.001 microns that get worn off of your socks as you walk down there. And even then they'd be very very cheap socks, and the 0.00002 microns that get worn off the soles of your shoes. BUT! in 1000000 years when your shoes eventually wear out you can go to Anstey Shoe Warehouse and get a new pair for 0.001p.

Got a new watch battery - only 3 quid!! I cannot cope with any more bargains!! AARRGHHH!! My new disk drive arrived. only 15 quid!!! I needed a SMALL 100 meg drive that would fit in a floppy bay and cost less than 20 quid. and it's HERE!!!!

I got a legal threat from the gas board for outstanding gas bill, help!!! i thought, thinking it'd be about 150 quid, it was 8.50!!! so I told them they could look for Gem and Abi c/o the landlord, and sent them a third of 8.50. OK they said, 2.84!!! hooray!!!!

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: B A R G A I N S ! !

>
>I got a legal threat from the gas board for outstanding gas bill, = help!!!=20
>i thought, thinking it'd be about 150 quid, it was 8.50!!! so I told = them
>they could look for Gem and Abi c/o the landlord, and sent them a third = of
>8.50. OK they said, 2.84!!! hooray!!!!=20

Pleas could you get the gas board to send you my bill too? Well actually, get them to take it away again.

I got my bond cheque from last year's house back yesteday, amazingly, = they didn't charge us for breaking the towel rail off the door, for = knocking a big hole in the fireplace or for melting the washing machine.

However, he did take =A350 off for gas and electricity bills, even = though I paid the last one in July, after we'd left the tenancy of the = house and because we lived in a house of 7, that would have totalled = =A3350 for 2 bills which couldn't have been for more than 1 month at the = most.................

Hmmmmm, some columbo style investigation is going to ensue...... I've already rang the landlord and he has apperntly gone on holiday - yes, to a tax haven on my bloody bond money.

Next stop, the Yorkshire electricity board. The plit thokens

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: B A R G A I N S ! !

>I got a legal threat from the gas board for outstanding gas bill, = help!!!=20
>i thought, thinking it'd be about 150 quid, it was 8.50!!! so I told = them
>they could look for Gem and Abi c/o the landlord, and sent them a third = of
>8.50. OK they said, 2.84!!! hooray!!!!=20

>However, he did take =A350 off for gas and electricity bills, even = though I paid >the last one in July, after we'd left the tenancy of the = house and because >we lived in a house of 7, that would have totalled = =A3350 for 2 bills which >couldn't have been for more than 1 month at = the most.................

Hmmmmmm, I@m even more bothered now.

I've just rang the gas and electricity boards. Fine we had bills totalling =A3413.70 which equals =A360 each, which is what the landlord took from our bond.

What I want to know is what happened to the money I was paying to Ben = and Jen to pay the bloody gas and electricity bills.??????? I sent Jen a cheque for =A325 in July?

Bollocks and arse, i'm fucking glad I;m not living with them next year. thieving arabs.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: B A R G A I N S ! !

On Fri, 15 Aug 1997, Jo McGowan wrote:=20

>
>>I got a legal threat from the gas board for outstanding gas bill, >help!!! >i thought, thinking it'd be about 150 quid, it was 8.50!!! so I >told them >they could look for Gem and Abi c/o the landlord, and sent >them a third of >8.50. OK they said, 2.84!!! hooray!!!! >
>>However, he did take =A350 off for gas and electricity bills, even though >I paid >the last one in July, after we'd left the tenancy of the house >and because >we lived in a house of 7, that would have totalled =A3350 for >2 bills which >couldn't have been for more than 1 month at the >most.................=20
>
>Hmmmmmm, I@m even more bothered now.=20 >
>I've just rang the gas and electricity boards. Fine we had bills >totalling =A3413.70 which equals =A360 each, which is what the landlord to= ok
>from our bond.=20
>
>What I want to know is what happened to the money I was paying to Ben and >Jen to pay the bloody gas and electricity bills.??????? I sent Jen a >cheque for =A325 in July?=20
>
>Bollocks and arse, i'm fucking glad I;m not living with them next year.=20 >thieving arabs.=20
>
>
>

Our dog is an arab. Puppy was born in the UAE. But shes a very honest little dog. Puppy never rips people off on bills though, because dogs arent like that. Puppy writes for the Cambridge Evening News.= =20
Stephen Hawking translates it into Human.

Arab Dogs don't speak Arabic. They all speak Dog. This is why it's great to be a dog - no language barriers. All dogs have two things in common tho. and that is thier mutual distrust of Jack Russels, and thier belief that spaniels are too barmy to be let into the community.=20

Dogs are able to design fax machines that outperform the fastest ones to date, but thier designs are not accepted because at board meetings with manufacturers a party of luddite jack russel terriers turn up and thwart this dog inroad into office technology by shagging everyones leg. It is very hard for a human to feel able to lend a consortium of dogs half a million quid to build a fax machine factory if one of thier number is squirting sperm all over thier navy serge trousers. After this the meetings dissolve and it's back to square one. Most dogs feel let down by Jack Russels.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk> Subject: Some People Do Not GET Sarcasm

Jaysus! Here was i, happily back at work, having a nice time, going round casually mentioning the Melody Maker etc. when Dept. Administrator comes in.

The week before last she sent an email round the Dept, saying the car park was looking messy cos people (i.e. largely me) were putting their fags out round the back. Could members of staff please bring their dog ends inside and put them in bins! Now, there is no smoking area in the building at all, so when it's SNOWING or whatever we still have to go round the back of the building (off Uni property) and stand and shiver to feed our addiction. Annoyed by this i sent back a right sarky email to the Dept. saying that in Colchester they have fag end bins on the walls - maybe we could get some really big ones, so that when it rains we can hide under them?

This morning five people have been in to say "HA! Good one!" as no-one much likes said woman, making me a bit worried in case she was DEAD OFFENDED (and thus gives me hassle about my expenses).

Then she came in. "I got yr message Mark, and i've put in a work's order to have it done."

Next week i shall suggest that a personal appearance by The Woman From Gala and Jayne Middlemiss will help sort out our computer problems.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: He's gone now

what a GIT eh? who else didnt miss him? overblown ego like that. bloody hell. I ask you.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: He's gone now

HA HA H AH HA HA HA

Only joking!

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: More top applets for you on this melty Friday

Check this out! This is DEFINITELY one for Pauly! Technosphere Schmecknofear!

http://www.o-matic.com/numate/numate

Or even............

http://geocities.datacellar.net/CapeCanaveral/1630/bob.html

hahahah!!!!!!!!

here are some happy submissions from Numate customers!!!!!! hahahahaha

FILE #16-149-88
ORIGIN: Austin, Texas

Dear NuMATE,

I wanted to write to say how much I enjoy my NuMATE attachments. My base model is still in perfect shape, and I have had it for seven years! Whatever you make it in, don't change the formula. It is very durable, AND lifelike. I really appreciate the efforts NuMATE has made to work with the Psychiatric Supervisors to come up with ever more inventive and USEFUL attachments. All my needs have been fulfilled, and I no longer live in the Abyss of my own dark secret. No man or woman has ever been able to deal with my longings, so when I was registered through the Psychiatrist General to my supervisor, she was SO understanding. And you make it all happen, NuMATE. Thank you. Oh, and p.s.- I am wearing my Organ Grinder and Trackbalz RIGHT NOW.

Sugar Smith

FILE #44890-0066
ORIGIN: Cape May, New Jersey

NuMATE,

At night, in the darkling quiet, when I am almost all alone, and there's no one on the phone, I sing your praises. Have you ever thought of making the NuMATE capable of digesting food? I would like to make it something to eat. I took it to the beach this summer, but people thought I was too strange. I would have thought that by now, people were more liberated than to be so judgmental.

Best wishes,

B. Missiones

FILE #066-55-7341
ORIGIN: Poughkeepsie, NY

To Whom It May Concern:

I LOVE my Numate! I adore it. It is caring and compassionate, and it never argues with me, or criticizes me, or makes SNIDE comments about my appearance. And I know that my NuMAte will never leave me for someone YOUNGER or more SUPERFICIALLY beautiful. We have a better relationship than I ever had, before. It is perfect.

My Sincerest Thanks,

Marty McKuen

FILE #66-32A106458
ORIGIN: Chicago, Illinois
c/o Marion State Facility

To NuMAte:

Ever since my exam for entrance into this country's Armed Forces, when I was declared a constitutional
psychopath, I have been assigned a NumAte companion, for my safety and the safety of those around me. According to my counselor and the pharmacological supervizer I am making terrific progress. Aside form the first two NuMAte companions which wore out, I am very happy that I have someone to love. Everyone should have someone.

My Many Thanks,

Emmet G. Inmate#49u587

FILE #3600-42-550021
ORIGIN: San Bernardino, California

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been a NuMAte user for three years now, and up to now I have been satisfied, but I recently ordered the R-7 model, also known as "The Hamster", and now both of my cats have dissapeared and I am sure that the R-7 model is somehow responsible. I am scared to even turn it on.

You will be hearing from my lawyers.

Sincerely,

Norman Norman

FILE #1223-64-73
ORIGIN: Oshkosh, Wisconsin

Dear NuMate,

My counselor recommended that I try NuMate about 2 years ago. I have had the same Mate now since then, and love him very much. It's not that I am even all that weird, on the scale of deviants, but you see that NuMate has found a way to tap deep into my needs and supply me with the kind of friend I need. My neighbors are very nice to me now, and I am even allowed to converse with the children who live in the apartment complex.

Thanks for being there.

M. Semona

FILE #66-4101
ORIGIN: Long Beach, California

Dear NuMATE:

I am interested in the BIG BABY model and the special pacifier attachment I read about in your advertisement. Is there any way that can be combined with the RATHO-STIMULATOR?

I am a repeat customer, and my wife never understood MY needs.

Sincerely,

Name Withheld By Request

FILE #6341-0065
ORIGIN: Petaluma, California

Hello, NuMATE Makers!

I wanted to thank you for supplying me with a NuMATE. As a highly successful telephone psychic, I don't have much time to socialize with other people. I have a lot of fun with model 932 (nicknamed "Joe"). I have even taken him camping on my property behind the house.

Sincerely,

Susan Knight

FILE #21-001-7
ORIGIN: Amarillo, Texas

To the People at Numate

I have been incarserated for mor then five years, but when I get out I plan on purchasing the NuMATE BEST BUDDY model with all the attachments, and then I will not be a enemy to society any longer. My supervisor here at the Gordon Liddy Incarceratorium says my problem has always been lack of a true friend. And now I can have one. With an extremely big

Thank you,

Derwin S. Torquimada Convict No.3233445-SD

FILE #172-0001
ORIGIN: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

To Whom It MAy Concern:

I have one question: is there anyway I can get TWO NuMATES to perform together? I met a man in the park, and he said he had heard of such a thing, but then he was arrested by DEVIANT POLICE for staring too long at the same thing. Since then I have become obsessed - but not in a criminal manner - well under the accepted levels of obsession. But if you can answer my questions I would be most grateful.

Thank you,

Anonym

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: Re: He's gone now

Monster Playground

Sometimes monsters get along, sometimes they don't. Tiny creatures animated by several artists are subject to your every whim. Arena and microlympic swimming pool.

http://www.moonmilk.com/toys/monster/

Coo-ellle!!!!! Make the technosphere look rather boring....

play with your toys! shame you cant personalise one I suppose...

hmmm.. I really should do some work!

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: Here's something for the veggies out there.

not that your eating habits interest me, veggie or vegan etc..

but have look at this....Requires Java.

http://www.cix.co.uk/~kit/TextFinder.html

Vegetarian Recipe Database.

Mmmmmm........ food....

don't know what to have for lunch yet.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk> Subject: HOME!

Right, am pissing off now to get my Abbey Park Photoes and FOOD, so play nicely kids... oh and Jo, remember, events you saw at Abbey Park are really very rare, so please, don't have nightmares.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: V97 advice!!

>V97 & beer & drugs & sunshine & MUSIC - >
>isnt life GRATE sometimes...
>

Unless you're one of THE KIDS and are being hassled by THE MAN. Do not forget the kids who have been sold down the river by the so called Labour government! Do not forget the KIDS who are not free to choose thier own lifestyles and have to be dictated to by THE MAN. Enjoy yourself, yes, and have a good weekend, but keep in the back of your mind the INJUSTICES in our society perpetuated by THE MAN!! on THE KIDS! When you sit by campfires, when you watch gigs, remember to turn to your neighbours and gently remind them that THE KIDS are probably being hassled by THE MAN even as we speak! Watch out for THE MAN at V97! If you see THE MAN remember to tell THE MAN to LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE. If you see THE KIDS at V97, and you will probably see LOADS, remember to warn THE KIDS that they are in danger of getting hassled by THE MAN!!

>
>
>

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re: V97 advice!!

     But THE MAN is going to Chelmsford, so if THE KIDS go to Leeds, they
     ought to be alright.

______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: V97 advice!!
Subject: V97 advice!!
Author: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk> at internet Date: 15/08/97 01:45

>V97 & beer & drugs & sunshine & MUSIC - >
>isnt life GRATE sometimes...
>

>
>
>

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: V97 advice!!

I'm going to Leeeeeeeds, RRRRaaaaayyyy! But not V97 booooooooo!

I'm going to go and look to see if my house for next year is built and drink lots of cheap bitter

> But THE MAN is going to Chelmsford, so if THE KIDS go to Leeds, >they > ought to be alright.

______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: V97 advice!!
Subject: V97 advice!!
Author: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk> at internet Date: 15/08/97 01:45

>V97 & beer & drugs & sunshine & MUSIC - >
>isnt life GRATE sometimes...
>

>
>
>

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: United States' Government Health and Mental Welfare Dept. USGR #44301-42sd

Even when THE KIDS want to show thier LOVE for each other, they are not safe from THE MAN. When THE KIDS want to sing rude songs, THE MAN is following them with infra red cameras.

Jaysus! If that's what THE MAN is like in the US, what do you think THE MAN is like here? I put it to you, THE KIDS, including ADE, even tho he works for tHE MAN.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Kosso <kosso@kosso.com>
Subject: United States' Government Health and Mental Welfare Dept. USGR #44301-42sd

A AHAHAHAHAH AHA HAH AH AHAHA!!!!!!! hohoho heeehehehehehe e e e *cough*

United States' Government Health and Mental Welfare Dept. USGR #44301-42sd

Sexual Deviant, according to USGR #44301-42sd (The New Act of Moral

     Conduct), may be defined by, but is not restricted to, the United
     States Government Psychiatrist General's "Official List of Sexually

     Deviant Attributes and Traits," as summarized below:

     1] those found to exhibit compulsive, prurient, curious or
threatening
     behavior;
     2] those who have purchased, or been found looking at, pornographic
or
     obscene materials either via the internet, postal mail, or at shops
in
     regulated or Black-Zone districts;
     3] those reported by neighbors, co-workers or employers to show,
with
     reasonable evidence, tendencies or actions of a molesting or
aberrant
     nature;
     4] those who have been questioned or reported by their employers
regarding
     the papers, digital media, or 3-dimensional objects found in their
work
     cubicles; those found or overheard by co-workers to exhibit strange
behavior
     or emit strange sounds while in the privacy of their cubicles;
     5] students over the age of 11 whose lockers or pockets have been
found,
     through infrared and x-ray, to contain questionable materials in
the form of
     papers, digital media, or 3-dimensional objects;
     6] those found to have aberrant notions about everyday items,
whether of a
     visual, textual or digital nature; those recently incarcerated for
crimes of
     a sexual nature;
     7] single (unmarried adult) individuals found to spend excessive
time alone;
     those who have purchased music or soundtracks with deviant lyrics
or musical
     content; those who have been tracked by audio-visual amplification
devices
     and therefore have been heard humming or singing tunes that appear
on the
     official lists of unsanctioned music and lyrical content;
     8] those espied in bathrooms* outfitted with United States
     Government-approved surveillance systems to exhibit onanistic
tendencies in
     semi-public** spaces ;
     9]those who own too many pets;
     10] those who have been observed in the vicinity of child-inhabited

     districts;
     11] and those who have missed two appointments with or one
scheduled report
     to their psychosexual supervisors.

     * Bathrooms: these would include but are not restricted to:
airports, train and bus
     stations, Government licensed restaurants and night club venues,
Government-licensed
     stores including but not limited to K-Mart, Triple-X, and Tower

Records.

** Semi-public: any space, whether in full view or in private cubicles, contained
within public spaces, i.e. offices, transportation centers, department stores,
restaurants, malls, night clubs, in moving public vehicles, or in Government
subsidized housing.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: trouble at'mill

Sorry, the SGI crashed on 14/08/97 and we are currently restoring the system.

techno@lcpdt.linst.ac.uk

bugger - I bet it was little boyzone
running round and causing havoc with all the little beasties

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: by the seaside

(after putting the spell checker through this document, I have decided = to accept all the changes it had to offer me, see if you can guess what = I really said.)

Me and the Dashing Nigeria
had a lovely lunch down Milton Country Park.

Stopping at Testes on the way, I persuaded myself, on a low fat diet = which will last about 1/2 a day, to have a low fat soft cheese and = celery sandwich which was nice but attracted the wasps.

Niger went for the more exotic chargrilled aborigine and cheese with = chargrilled onion and sundered tomato sandwich. I ask you?
In tescos?

I had some lower fat crisps and some 17p bottles of pop, which were = Rhubarb and Custard and Fruit Salad flavor.

We sat by the stagnant lake which smelled funny, but it was very = picturesque apart from some small fat children fishing for things in the = slime. There were some interesting wicker sculptures about the place = which Niger was tempted to steal for his garden,

ha a serene time was had by all.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:30 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: by the seaside

Jeau wrote:

>Me and the Dashing Nigeria
>had a lovely lunch down Milton Country Park.

>etc=20

Jowe forgot to mention that shee bought a copy of THE SCUM from tesco's, = for all this week's royal tittle tattle, and the Dear Drearie page, and = all those silly horrorscope things. There was a photograph of Alan = Shearer, the footballer, with a shaven head, and he looked an awful lot = like Neil.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: by the seaside

>
>Stopping at Testes on the way, I persuaded myself, on a low fat diet >which will last about 1/2 a day, to have a low fat soft cheese and celery >sandwich which was nice but attracted the wasps. >
>Niger went for the more exotic chargrilled aborigine and cheese with >chargrilled onion and sundered tomato sandwich. I ask you? In tescos? >
>I had some lower fat crisps and some 17p bottles of pop, which were >Rhubarb and Custard and Fruit Salad flavor. >
>We sat by the stagnant lake which smelled funny, but it was very >picturesque apart from some small fat children fishing for things in the >slime. There were some interesting wicker sculptures about the place >which Niger was tempted to steal for his garden, >
>ha a serene time was had by all.
>

Sounds idyllic!

Spent the lunch hour fixing my spacebar.

My keyboard packed up last night, the spacebar died. This is how to fix a spacebar. so I bought it in to take a look - cleaned up the contacts but still no spaces. So! I got a drill and made a big hole in the plastic and then got bored so resorted to the hammer. drilled some more holes to take wires and by passed the rubber membrane bit (i cut a big hole in that too). I bolted in a small microswitch and fed wires from it back to the keyboard chip and soldered them to the pins. Then I stuck in a small piece of steel shim to make the space bar spring up again, and covered the jagged hole over in the back of the keyboard with sellotape. Then I cleaned off the oily fingerprints.

Looking at it from the front you'd not know it wasnt new!

Terry, our Senior Experimental Officer and a damm good bass player, popped in and wondered what i was doing, 'what are you doing neil?' at which point I was happily smashing a hole in the back of the keyboard with a hammer. 'Oh! just fixing my spacebar'. Terry says I worry him.

I'm testing it now as i type this. Good eh?

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: by the seaside

Try a few of these handy tips:

http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html

>Sounds idyllic!
>etc.
Spent the lunch hour fixing my spacebar.

Looking at it from the front you'd not know it wasnt new!

I'm testing it now as i type this. Good eh?

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: by the seaside

>Yeah, but you were reading it for the Melinda Messenger bits.

No, I was looking at Melinda Messenger's bits.

>Jeau wrote:

>Me and the Dashing Nigeria
>had a lovely lunch down Milton Country Park.

>etc=20

>Jowe forgot to mention that shee bought a copy of THE SCUM from = tesco's, for all this week's royal tittle tattle, and the Dear Drearie = page, and all those silly horrorscope things. There was a photograph of = Alan Shearer, the footballer, with a shaven head, and he looked an awful = lot like Neil.

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: by the seaside

Yeah, but you were reading it for the Melinda Messenger bits.

>Jeau wrote:

>Me and the Dashing Nigeria
>had a lovely lunch down Milton Country Park.

>etc=20

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: banks are even grater

>> ade
>
>well I find this odd because in my experience banks always want to lend >you money. Whihc is annoying coz you think oh i'll just increase my >overdrawft by 100 quid to tide me over like, and they go would yo like >an extra 500 punds mr pillinger? So you go yes please. and spend it. >They love giving you their money. They gave me this whopping loan as >well which I have the est of my life to pay off coz it's so huge. cool. >spent that as well.
>
>DEBT DEBT DEBT
>I love it
>I love IT
>

Hmm. An interesting point! I'm sure we have all suffered from THE MAN at one time or another, and Banks are one of the most often causes of friction between the MAN and THE KIDS.

Let's go over to Apples and Pears Estate to hear a True story from Little Knuckles, one of THE KIDS.

HHHNNNNN!! GGGNNNN!!! DA BANk MAAnNNn! He Give us da MonEy!! we spent It all on FrUiT anD Frozen VegEtables. Now he kick down da door wiv da PolicE! He say gis da money capTaIn fuckflaps!! Den hee TaeK Mah stereo BAILif MAAN! Hee is da maAAAaAN!! He is a boggin sassenach JOBBIE so he isz an His wife as got Minge Mushrooms!!

So! There we have it. coming up from the streets. Now, because we are fair, lets hear THE MANS side of things:

We rang THE MAN and invited him to FACE THE FACTS. We wanted to know what THE MAN knew about todays FACTS. Like the FACT that he is HASSLING THE KIDS, and the FACT that the giant squid is over 60 feet long. The MANS office said he couldnt come to the phone. All we got was:

'Mr Blair is in conference with Mr Bon Jovi, planning the EVIL closure of St Margarets Baths. now sod off riff raff, you're making our phone sound dead common.'

And a voice in the background saying:

'Yeah man! I've come all the way here to London England Brimingham to Talk to my pal Tony and I aint got no time for yew white trash! Get back to your trailer park!'

Mrs Rantzen swings round in her leather chair after this brilliant display of THE FACTS about THE KIDS and how they are being HASSLED BY THE MAN and says::

CYRIL!...............

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com
Subject: Re: banks are even grater

>well I find this odd because in my experience banks always want to lend you money. Whihc is annoying coz you think oh i'll just increase my overdrawft by 100 quid to tide me over like, and they go would yo like an extra 500 punds mr pillinger? So you go yes please. and spend it. They love giving you their money. They gave me this whopping loan as well which I have the est of my life to pay off coz it's so huge. cool. spent that as well.

yeah that is cool - you are talking to mr (how quick does it take me to spend 10 grand - oh about 6-8 weeks - twice in 2 years) harris -

i was with the abeey nat for the previous 2 years and they were complete WANKERS - toss pots etc etc... i'd forgotten what banks where like..

they were like - "would you like a multi fucntion 100 squids gizmo card?" - er yeah sure -

"well ok but remember even though you'll get into debt we wont let you have an overdraft so you have to pay us SHITLOADS in charges...."

wankers the lot of em.....

if i could be paid in cash it'd be grate - if i could win the lottery that'd be grate too - i'd make viv spend spend spend nicholson look like a miser though....

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com
Subject: banks are even grater

i just had the bank call me ... (well they called me yesterday and lef= t a
voicemail but fucked if i was going to call them back)

erk i thought - grovelling time.. "this is the midland bank, why did y= ou
secretly cash a cheque today mister?

NO! -

"mr harris would you like us to increase your overdraft?"

"er well only to cover how much im currently over my overdraft limit th= en"

"well its a week or so till you get paid , would you like an extra =A31= 00 ?"

"er..... ok then, if you insist...."

the first time in 15 years ive discovered a bank that actually are blee= din
nice to me - bizarre...

ade
=

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com
Subject: there is a god

fuckin bleedin bloody ells bells etc

wot an amazing TOPTASTIC HUMONGOUSLY GORGEOUS night...

and some kind soul who is obviously destined to be canonised gave me his spare ticket for free - ppl were actually buying tickets for 80 (EIGHTY!!) squids each....

and i got in for free - and it ROCKED......

gig of the year - no messin.....

definitely in me top 20 all time fave gigs now..... not that i could list them...

ade
(still recovering)

Date: Fri Aug 15 17:41:31 1997
From: Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com
Subject: banks are GRATE

hahahahahaha and they are SUCKERS !!!

i fooled them into giving me some money at lunchtime - hahahahahhahahahhahahhahahah

if i was a bank teller i'd be really vicious and check their balances EVERY time - but the midland ones are nice and they dont bother - HAHAHA FOOLS!!!

well i wouldnt check - cos i'd be really nice..

ade

its hot & sunny and im in a GRATE mood now....

V97 & beer & drugs & sunshine & MUSIC -

isnt life GRATE sometimes...