Date: Tue Jul 1 15:59:00 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: how was it for you?
Content-Length: 3616
That's very true, there should be a sign. It would be hotly contested,
though. Personally I think the North starts somewhere around the kind of
places where you have stop calling it the Midlands - Sheffield
(begrudgingly) and Leeds, I suppose. Of course, Sheffield is in South
Yorkshire, and hence its status is slightly problematic, but I think
Yorkshire as an entity is gloriously 'Northern' in a way that, say,
Staffordshire (and thus, Stoke - poxy, bleak, West Midlands wasteland
that it is) and Derbyshire (ughh) are most definitely not. It is
confusing. Nottingham, as a town, has a very 'Northern' feeling about
it, despite its not being in THE North at all, and Manchester (foul
canker in the heart of the Pennines) has always felt incontestably
Southern to me.
I suspect that once there were signs, just as you describe, saying
'WELCOME TO THE NORTH' at one time, but these have all been stolen by
people who lived more North, and who resented the claims made by more
Southerly Northerners (see 'Sheffield' above). In fact, if you were to
follow all the signs pointing 'TO THE NORTH' to their logical
conclusion, I dare say that you would, ultimately, arrive at a tiny
island, marooned in the North Sea. This island is home to a single
subsistence crofter and a uniquely hardy species of sheep. In the
crofter's most decrepit bothy there is, of course, a rusting stockpile
of uprooted roadsigns, and each one reads 'WELCOME TO THE NORTH.'
>----------
>From: Nigel Turner[SMTP:nigelt@uunet.pipex.com]
>From: Nigel Turner[SMTP:nigelt@uunet.pipex.com]
>Sent: 01 July 1997 14:25
>To: Larkin, Mj; 'Adrian_Harris@Sonymusic.Com'; 'Neil'; 'Nigel Turner'
>Cc: 'gary.gilchrist@gecm.com'; 'mjh18@leicester.ac.uk';
>'Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk'; 'nic.p@gordian.co.uk';
>'Chris@cpruden.stayfree.co.uk'; '100714.2636@compuserve.com';
>'dgb@sun.engg.le.ac.uk'; 'fairgj@wigstcol.demon.co.uk';
>'gary.hawes@brunel.ac.uk'; 'M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk'
>Subject: RE: how was it for you?
>Subject: RE: how was it for you?
>
>
>Oooh I think we had sandwiches from there when we recorded at
>Trackstation!
>(Incidentally, 'me duck' indicates the Midlands. The North is further up
>- that's why its called the North...)
>
>Thanks for putting me right on this one. Have you ever noticed, though, how
>you never actually get to THE NORTH, no matter how far north you travel. I
>always thought it started somewhere after Nottingham, or Stoke-on-Trent, but
>when I drove up to Glasgow the other week, signposts were still pointing to
>THE NORTH, like it was north of Glasgow. I thought this was well north of
>THE NORTH. So where the devil is it then? They have a sign on the Scottish
>border saying "Welcome to Scotland", so why not have a "Welcome to the North"
>sign, so you know when you're there?
>
>>----------
>>From: Nigel Turner[SMTP:nigelt@uunet.pipex.com]
>>From: Nigel Turner[SMTP:nigelt@uunet.pipex.com]
>>Sent: 30 June 1997 13:38
>>To: Adrian_Harris@Sonymusic.Com; 'Neil'
>>Cc: Larkin, Mj; gary.gilchrist@gecm.com; mjh18@leicester.ac.uk;
>>Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk; nic.p@gordian.co.uk; Chris@cpruden.stayfree.co.uk;
>>100714.2636@compuserve.com; dgb@sun.engg.le.ac.uk;
>>fairgj@wigstcol.demon.co.uk; nigelt@uunet.pipex.com;
>>gary.hawes@brunel.ac.uk;
>>M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk
>>Subject: RE: how was it for you?
>>Subject: RE: how was it for you?
>>
>>Well I didn't go, because I think all festivals are rubbish and full of
>>hippies. I went to Burton-on-Trent to record a new single, and had a
>>wonderful time. This little kiosk near the Track Station studio sold the
>>most enormous and delicious baps - I had cheese and pickle - for only one
>>pound. And the serving lady kept referring to me as her duck. Does that
>>mean I was in The North?
>>
>>
>>
>
>
>
Date: Tue Jul 1 16:50:04 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uunet.pipex.com>
Subject: beetle joke
Content-Length: 899
Thought all you Glastonbury-weary footsoldiers might appreciate this = little beetle joke, to ease you back into the weekly = grind...................
A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud=20 knock at the door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag=20 beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the hell is this?" he=20 shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and=20 vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves.
The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but=20 is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries.=20
Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor=20 believes him and is sympathetic, "I understand," he says,=20 "there is a nasty bug going around at the moment..."
Nice one, eh?
Spinach and cream cheese with roasted shallots pizza, with aubergine, = pepper and courgette salad.
Date: Wed Jul 2 12:08:46 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[2]: how was it for you?
Content-Length: 1664
>
> > Hmmm, just got a message via the new nmechat thing > > (www.nme.com/youtoo/nmechat) from someone saying "I've got a friend > > who fancies you"... it made me feel all 14 again... which was nice... > > Apparently it's someone who's met me in real life... it's not you is > > it Other Gary?
>
> Dunno if this "Other Gary" you're referring to is me or not, but...
> No, it's Mark - I know this because he was sobbing into his pint and wailing
> "Pauleeeeee!" in the pub last night. He's even grown a beard like Other Gary
> Hawes under the belief that you fancied him (ie Gary Hawes). Whatever it is he
> took at Glastonbury should be out of his bloodstream by the weekend and then
> he'll be back to coo-ing over Kneeel as usual.
Ha! You are only jealous, oh thou great PUFF what left on Sunday afternoon!
Hello lunch kids, it is me and i am back, i and i, tho most of youse will not have noticed anything amiss cos you were in the MUD too. Didn't see you Adrian, but i guess that was cos i was hanging with THE KIDS as opposed to THE MAN, which is fair do's.
My beard is great and i like it, espec as i know it's going at the weeeekend.
I am going to go shopping for SOCKS as i threw most of mine away after the horrors of the weeekend. Remember kids, do not wrap your wet socks in binbags, then fish them out, put them on, and wrap them in BOOTS and carrier bags for a week. It doesn't do them any good.
Doc Martens are brilliant. I am considering writing a letter to them, as i was so impressed by their durability, comfort, and waterproofosity at Glasto. They are great.
For lunch i had marmite sandwiches, obviously.
Date: Wed Jul 2 13:12:55 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: using artificial intelligence to predict the nationl lottery
Content-Length: 506
I'm designing a new neural network, and not having much in the way of wood surface data around at the moment, thought I might as well make myself rich :) as well as test the software.
Right then, I've taken 132 weeks lottery results off theier homepage and fed them into the computer:
some numbers DO come up more often than others, 25-30's, 40's and numbers around 15.
I'll feed these into the NN and see what it comes up with.
not sure yet, probably cheese and pickle and a bag of crisps.
Date: Wed Jul 2 13:46:16 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Alleged Beard Jealousy
Content-Length: 1046
>Yes - for two reasons:
>1 - I'd run out of the powerful drugs which I'd been using to stay awake
>CONSTANTLY since wednesday. That's why I wasn't actually asleep when the EVIL
>SCOUSER crept into my tent.
>
bloody scousers. all scousers are well dodgy and thier all called terry and they keep saying 'calm down' a lot. hopefully the sod'll get back to liverpool and find some other SCOUSE KLEPTO GIT has nicked the station platform to make a rockery out of and steps out the door and breaks a leg or two.
Or better still, the train gets back to liverpool to find that liverpool has been stolen, repainted and dismantled and sold for parts overseas.
>2 - I had a fucking ginger beard by that point for Godsake, and I had no razors >with me with which to remove it.
urk! sounds like you died and went to hell for a bit
>
>Sanwiches x3
>
>cheddar cheese and houmous
>mushroom pate
>Shropshire blue cheese and mango chutney
>
>
tin of vimto, mug of grapefuit squash, and a long roll full of prawns and mayonnaise and lettuce
FISH!
Date: Wed Jul 2 13:50:05 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[4]: how was it for you?
Content-Length: 662
>
>People with sandals:-
Dr Scholl
>er.......Jesus
>Jesus' mates
Mohammed, Buddah and Moses
>Romans
>Bill Odie (hmm, BEARD and SANDALS)
>NGP
>Hippies
>John Craven
ME! sandals are cool. I like sandals.
>
>People without sandals:-
>Me
>Mark Hibbett
>wierdo FREAKS who have sex with omelettes
>Satan
>Flids
>People who say 'not three bad' and think it's hysterically funny
>evil sinister women with perms who giggle too much
>Thom Yorke
>Batman
>Withnail
>Penny Smith (reads news on GMTV)
>PEOPLE WITH SMELLY FEET!
>Hey! Has anyone thought that Bill Odie may in fact
>be the Second Coming?
>
>Interesting thought, eh?
>
>Gary
>(beards rool and are cool)
>
Date: Wed Jul 2 15:17:47 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[2]: how was it for you?
Content-Length: 1496
adey baby:
> while we were watching the bunnymen - there was this woman in front of us
> - (surprisingly) (in a horrible bluecheck shirt and naff shoulder bag thing
> - she looked like a festi virgin anyway) - anyway - she kept turning round
> and looking at us (we must have looked like pop stars or something) so
> after a bit of this the four of us started staring back - and doing hex
> like voodoo signs to her back.... only to obviously look away or suddenly
> put our arms down when she turned round again - i think she got extremely
> para by the end.... but if she hadnt started it......
>
> anyway it was all very childish - but heaps of fun....
Ha! Me and My Lot spent many happy hours standing behind people and saying very loudly, "Yeah, Morrissey's going to be brilliant on Sunday isn't he? Who'd've thought Morrissey would be the surprise act eh?"
Gary gave me a tape of Tigermilk last night, and i compared it to my old copy to find all the songs are totally different. I think what i've got is the rerecorded versions for forthcoming singles (cos it's got all of Dog on Wheels toooo). Is this cool or what?
Are any of youse kids going to Islington at the end of the month?
Lunch: today i have avoided ANY extra Dime Bars etc. cos i was so pleased with the fact that my Too Small Shirt actually fits me today, due to my weeekend exertions. Thus i shall be EVEN MORE slender for Abbey Park, and a veritable adonis for the Autumnal Solo Career. Cool. Double Coool.
Mark
Date: Wed Jul 2 15:22:44 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[6]: how was it for you?
Content-Length: 587
who on this list wants to come camping then? ot was it mentioned?
> I'm going to buy some new ones though, maybe some Scholl ones, with > massaging bumps, and acupuncture and magnets and crystals.
they are the BEST. you can use them to clean your wheel arches too.
>
> I'm feeling really light and floaty at the moment, like I'm having an > out of body experience, I think I think I think I've been thinking too > hard. > > Spicy vege roti, a samosa, nik naks, doritos and a ribena light.
>
ribena LIGHT!?!? what ids the world coming tio?
Date: Thu Jul 3 14:27:00 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: A Note For Leicester Folk
Content-Length: 427
hi kids - i'm sure the date is tatooed in yr diaries, but dooo not forget that tonight is the Yummy Fur and Lungleg at the Physio, supported by the Good Old Council Boys... we'll be on at Ian Time, so getting there at a normal hour will allow you to easily miss the *ALL NEW* Country & Western set - no, really! 3 radical re-workings of old hits, plus 4 BRAND NEW SONGS, and this is no lie.
I'm looking forward to it anyway.
Date: Thu Jul 3 14:53:09 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uunet.pipex.com>
Subject: RE: A Note For Leicester Folk
Content-Length: 569
hi kids - i'm sure the date is tatooed in yr diaries, but dooo not =
forget that
tonight is the Yummy Fur and Lungleg at the Physio, supported by the =
Good Old
Council Boys... we'll be on at Ian Time, so getting there at a normal =
hour will
allow you to easily miss the *ALL NEW* Country & Western set - no, =
really! 3
radical re-workings of old hits, plus 4 BRAND NEW SONGS, and this is no =
lie.
Gig of the night in Melody Maker, for some reason. Please don't let it = go to your heads (I could think of more appropriate parts of the = anatomy..........)
Date: Thu Jul 3 15:24:11 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: A Note For Leicester Folk
Content-Length: 1287
>
>hi kids - i'm sure the date is tatooed in yr diaries, but dooo not forget that
>tonight is the Yummy Fur and Lungleg at the Physio, supported by the Good Old
>Council Boys... we'll be on at Ian Time, so getting there at a normal hour will
>allow you to easily miss the *ALL NEW* Country & Western set - no, really! 3
>radical re-workings of old hits, plus 4 BRAND NEW SONGS, and this is no lie.
>
Translation: Get there at 7.30 and we'll let you in tyhe fire escape, get there at 8.00 and get to see the gig, get there at 9.00 and miss most of everything. Get there at 10.30 and get pounced on by a man with a box of lemons.
>
>Gig of the night in Melody Maker, for some reason. Please don't let it
>go to your heads (I could think of more appropriate parts of the
>anatomy..........)
>
>
Witness the bespangled clockwork giraffe as it peers into your bedroom window when you are caught with your pants around your ankles and holding a toilet roll which you have set on fire in one hand and a 30 kilo jar of pickled onions in the other whilst a huge party of estate agents troop around your house nailing bits of pork to the walls and then tell me that everything is as it should be!
Tonights gig will change all that. No longer will you be pestered by that bloody giraffe!
Date: Thu Jul 3 15:52:55 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: A Note
Content-Length: 1494
Much as I would like to hear the new songs (but you're ALWAYS promising new songs - and you ALWAYS play the same ones - how can we ever believe you again?) I'm a bit skint (well, a lot) and, of course, I would rather try to chew off my own limbs with a borrowed set of false teeth than sit through a set by fucking Lungleg ever again. Can I be excused? See you all at the weekend, no doubt.
P.S Re: Gary's birthday camping thing - I would like to come to that (if it ever stops bloody raining), but we're rehearsing (Andy's here) so its unlikely that we'll make it -sorry!
>----------
>From: M.J. Hibbett[SMTP:mjh18@leicester.ac.uk]
>From: M.J. Hibbett[SMTP:mjh18@leicester.ac.uk]
>Sent: 03 July 1997 14:16
>To: N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk
>Cc: Larkin, Mj; N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk; Gary.Hawes@brunel.ac.uk;
>mjh18@leicester.ac.uk; gary.gilchrist@gecm.com; Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk;
>Adrian_Harris@sonymusic.com; nigelt@uunet.pipex.com; nic.p@gordian.co.uk;
>Chris@cpruden.stayfree.co.uk; 100714.2636@compuserve.com;
>dgb@sun.engg.le.ac.uk; M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk
>Subject: A Note For Leicester Folk
>Subject: A Note For Leicester Folk
>
>hi kids - i'm sure the date is tatooed in yr diaries, but dooo not forget
>that
>tonight is the Yummy Fur and Lungleg at the Physio, supported by the Good Old
>Council Boys... we'll be on at Ian Time, so getting there at a normal hour
>will
>allow you to easily miss the *ALL NEW* Country & Western set - no, really! 3
>radical re-workings of old hits, plus 4 BRAND NEW SONGS, and this is no lie.
>
>I'm looking forward to it anyway.
>
>
Date: Thu Jul 3 15:52:55 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: L U N C H
Content-Length: 997
a pint of fresh milk, and some delicious GOLDEN WONDER crisps - yayy! no more of that walkers stuff, thse are proper 70's crisps that atre not really crispy, taste a bit artificial, and are GREAT. really salty too! yaayyy! and the best thing is that cheese and onion comes in a GREEN bag, and salt and vinegar comes in a BLUE bag. this is the way it should be!
and i had a HUGE cheese salad baguette, and it was 5p less(!) than in my regular canteen!!!
so: a bit of a dear one today, but hey. I'm worth it. It's a cream, think about it. so::::
milk 39p
crisps 23p
baguette, 1.65
so there too young feller me lad yip yip wibble ftang. Oh how I long for the 70's, driving past eagle pond, listening to the Darts, and eating those great crisps. Oh to be young again. Oh to be a lentil, nailed to a tree over a thousand feet tall. Oh, to be a range of Fire Safety Training Videos. Oh, to be pregnant.
Lick My Pants and I will set you free from male white corporate oppression!!!
Date: Thu Jul 3 16:05:02 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: A Note
Content-Length: 1333
Dear young Michael presents his note thus:
> Much as I would like to hear the new songs (but you're ALWAYS promising > new songs - and you ALWAYS play the same ones - how can we ever believe > you again?) I'm a bit skint (well, a lot) and, of course, I would rather > try to chew off my own limbs with a borrowed set of false teeth than sit > through a set by fucking Lungleg ever again. Can I be excused? See you > all at the weekend, no doubt.
Doh! Go on then young man, you go and "be skint" with yr mates in the park, smoking cigarettes i don't doubt! Cuh! You young people, i don't know.
It really is a new set tho, this is me saying it and i NEVER LIE.
BOING! Many of you may remember my perpetual whinging about my Summer School in Colchester, but if have now decided it is BLOODY BRILLIANT! I go to Colchester on August 2nd. On August 3rd BELLE AND SEBLOODYBASTIAN are playing there!!!!! AND I'VE GOT A TICKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIING!
Gary told me, and he is a lovely man. So is the University of Essex, who ages ago sent me the tourist thing to tell me that the telephone number of the Arts Centre is 01206 577301. I love EVERYTHING.
Hey ho ... and i've bought the HATS for the Melody Maker gig of the night tonight, which is OBVIOUSLY the reason they made that particular choice.
Date: Thu Jul 3 16:05:01 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: L U N C H
Content-Length: 1447
>At 15:33 03/07/97 +0100, Neil wrote:
>>
>>Lick My Pants and I will set you free from male white corporate
>>oppression!!!
>
>LIBERATE ME, OH MAD, SAGACIOUS ONE!
>
>I WOULD LIKE TO FOLLOW YOU AND LIE DOWN
>WITH YOU IN WINDSWEPT FIELDS OF CLOVER AND
>HAYBAILS.
>
>MY GROIN IS TWITCHING WITH ANTICIPATION.....
>
>I AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.......
>
cut the Green Wire, not the blue one. then you must get a job as a dancer on a cruise liner and have a really nice time going round the seychelles at speeds in excess of 60 miles per hour whilst trying very hard not to pump hundreds of tons of beige lelmulelt into the sea.
Right then! we might as well get a spoon on!
The ARTIFACT is sending me it's eerie signals. We must go to it and meet our destiny.
It is booming it's silent voice through the jungles of south america! in rainy forests it thrusts shywards into the sky like an aztec tomb! it is majestic and carries the voice of a hundred thousand generations.
The 80 foot tall gellified petroleum cube module awaits us!!
It has a big door in the front of it bearing the timeless legend 'FISH GUTS ARE YOUR FRIENDS'. we will knock once, and us and many other disciples will enter, after which we will never be seen in our human form again.
We will undergo the change! each of us will resemble a range of french cheeses, and our brains will splat out into the cosmos to explore the stars like pioneering zit pus or something!!
Date: Thu Jul 3 16:55:12 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: L U N C H, and LUNCH LIST Memorabillia!
>
>I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. YOU'RE FUCKING WEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRDDDD!
>
>YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FISH GUTS, RANGE OF FRENCH CHEESES
>AND STRANGE JUNGLE-LOCATED CUBES.
>
>I'M GOING NOW TO SIT OUTSIDE SAINSBURYS AND SPEAK IN TONGUES
>TO ALL THE HAPPY SHOPPERS. BASTARDS BETTER NOT REMOVE ME
>FROM THE PREMISES LIKE LAST WEEK.............OR I'LL SHOW THEM MY
>SAINSBURY'S SUPERSAVER CARD FASHIONED OUT OF BEERMATS
>AND JAM.
>
kewl. I would like to go to sainsburys NOW and have a nice pint of YOP. I had some in portugal at EEC EURO FOOD PRICES i.e. all food in europe costs a flat rate of 5p unless you go to a restaraunt where it costs a million quid.
The Yop was an exception!! Not only was it FREE but they gave me one extra! Then they realised it was special offer day and gave me another 2! Then tight, they offered to drink one of them for me so then i only had 2, because I'd already had the third, prior to previously having the one after the second one before that, and anyway it was raining a bit and i think it was pear flavoured.
Who Else likes Yop and similar yoghourt based products?
OK then - who wants lunch list t shirt and / or badge? I'm thinking of making some so that we might all recognise each other when we go to festivals, car auctions, riots, volcanic eruptions, conferences and things like that.
when we all meet next time we must do the SPECIAL HANDSHAKE and offer the tradional LUNCH LIST GREETING of:
'Oim Bluddy Graet, and 2 marmite sandwiches!'
Date: Fri Jul 4 12:13:57 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: L U N C H
>the really WEEEEIIIRRRRRDDDDD thing is that the mail from this list come in
>the wrong order...... i always seems to get the replies before the original
>mail - which makes the one i just got now make me thing youre all even more
>of a
>lloooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy
>yyyyy than i thought ;)
>
>ade
>x
>
>
I had a look at the sony homepage - hmm - most imressive. shame theyve not
seen fit to sign voon though!
>
Date: Fri Jul 4 12:42:57 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Bloody fucking hell!!!!!
I just had an email from BELLE AND SEBASTIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nnnnnnnnnnnnnaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They quite fancy coming to play in Leicester, so i'm going to run and talk to Dave about it.
Oh yeah - cottage cheese, two apples, you know the score.
Prolapse are playing the same night as the Work EP launch (probly) - i was worried about this last night, but this a.m. i realised that London's actually slightly bigger than Leicester, so may not matter too much... does mean My Drummer is unavailable tho ... oh dear.
Last night i woke up very pissed and needing the LOO, convinced i was in a field, and thus got completely lost in my own bedroom... oh dear, i've not done that for a loooooong time...
Date: Mon Jul 7 10:07:33 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: I know all the STARS
Helloooo lunch-types ... gosh, i just got an email from Stuart David out of Belle & Sebastian! I am a close personal friend to the New Smiths. He seemed in a bit of a stir, cos i'd asked them for any dates they fancied playing leicester - "Oh no, don't book anything! Don't book anything! We only said we liked the sound of it! Panic!" Bless.
I bought 10 pounds of spuds for a quid on Saturday, then instantly realised i had doooomed myself to a month a jacket potatoes. I like baked spuds, but i'm sure i will soon tire of them.
Date: Mon Jul 7 10:53:56 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: armed forces, flint mines and burning fried eggs.
a good weekend - BIG picnic in thetford forest (the civvy bit) had a run in with the ARMY in the other bit of thetford forest, they had machine guns and we didnt so we went away and let them have the forest to themselves, then went down a 2000 year old flint mine and we went exploring on our hands and knees with hard hats on down all the tunnels. we got so covered in chalk thatthe dog didnt recognise us afterwards! then we went to the us airbase in martlesham and photographed planes and didnt get arrested.
decided to make a fried egg sandwich last night - the damm toaster set the fire alarm off so i ran into the hall way to switch it off at the control panel and thje damm thing kept going off again! i soon realised all was not well back in the kitchen so ran in to find my fried eggs were burning! (the back ring is on all the time when the cooker is turned on, whether or not you turn it on at the dial!!. i need them to fix it). so i picked up the frying pan (BAD idea as it's the one you need an oven glove to grab), put them out and had a merry 20 minutes turning off the siren everytime it went off till the smoke had cleared. i got a HUGE blister on my thumb and a HUGE blister on my forefinger. i can still play the guitar tho. I spent the night in PAIN sleeping with my thumb and forefinger in a mug of soluble aspirin. tell you what, it's a really good way of meeting the people in your building very rapidly 'cause when all the fuss wqas over i met viccy from upstairs whilst standing in a smoke filled hall frantically pressing the reset button.
lunch is cheese and appple salad long torpedo type roll.
Date: Tue Jul 8 12:36:38 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[2]: amazing images from the surface of Paul's tea!!!
> Mars looks spookily like what I had for my tea last night... I giant > sweet potato... I've never eaten one of these before, but it was > really nice... scored it with a knife and chucked it in the microwave > for 7 minutes, then put some soya marge on it, and served it up with > the reheated leftover mushroom and courgette and rogon that I made the > day before... Mmmmm...
>
I strongly recommend plantains - with a bit of hot pepper sauce, yummy.
Jamaican dumplings? easy: get 1/2 lb of flour, mix with 2 - 3 tbs of veggy suet, and some salt. add water and mix in till it's a stiff dough. make into balls the size of golfballs and double deep fry. piece of cake! and they are dead yummy.
> Tuesday's Menu
>
> Mushroom Soup
>
> Roast Leg Of Lamb With Mint Sauce > Chicken Kiev > Vegetable Bake > Sausage Plait > > Beefburger Steak With Sauteed Pimento's > Grilled Rainbow Trout Baisted In A Beurre Noissette Seasonally > Stuffed Aubergine Cannelloni > > Poached Honey Pears
<mad vegan rant>
hot damm! The word bake is not a noun!! How dare they try to use it so!! They's be saying 'meats' and 'breads' next. It's already a fucking plural!! it doesnt need an s anymore than the government of china needs my dog's toenail clippings! Grrrr!!
They ALWAYS have huge lumps of lamb! what is this? some journo addiction to radioactivity?
I take it the cannelonis got cheese in it?
I've got (mostly eaten by now!)
Hummus and coleslaw sandwiches, in wholemeal bread which are absolutely completely delicious!! Fresh organic Cherries off the trees outside Mech Eng, and a nice mug of Grapefruit Squash!!
Hooray!!!
Date: Wed Jul 9 12:19:39 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: Pram
All oF You Are ConStanTly NailIng DeaD CatS HeadS tO YouR FacEs!!It Is WIERD BEHAVIOUR! Stop it now! The people at ThE velodrome R! startinbg to talk.
Just the good old boys, wouldnt change if they could, fighting the system like a 2 modern day robin hood.
Making thier whey, the only way they know how.
Someday the mountain might get em but Nigel Lawson never will.
BoING BOING!!!
I'm the catford Dustcart MAN, and I steaM cleaN the MaGgots off the dust cart van!
Heres a good one -
THE JOBLESS BISON
My bison cannot get a job
he cannot type
and his shorthand's quite appalling
Because He's DEAD.
Never forgert kids, beyond the death lurls a deep Death-Danger errr
LUNCH will be VEG PASTIES, and at 60p for three from Leicester Market this morning, that's a HOT VALUE BARGAIN.
Downstairs is a Microwave in the fluid dynamics laboratory, which used to be used to cure resins, but has had the insides replaced and is now the dept. pastie warming device! hooray!!
A song!!
Hot value pasties baby! give it to me mama!!
I got a hot machine!!
I got a hot Pastie machine!!
It's hot sex with it's pastry HEAT
It is NEAT and represents on the STREET
it makes pasties that dont look like FEET
gimme gimme gimme that HOT SEX PASTY ACTION
BABY!!!
Date: Wed Jul 9 14:15:34 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: More stunts
Stub out your cigarrettes on her arms and face.
Attach high-tensile steel wires at neck height across her office doorway, and then shout 'Fire!'
Rub earwax into her sandwiches.
Write letters to all her friends, purporting to be from her, and say unforgiveable things to them.
Tap her elbows with a hammer whenever she says a word with the letter 'E' in it - and don't tell her why you're doing it.
If she has a pet - kick it. If she doesn't, kick her. And this time, make a point of telling her why you're doing it ('OW! What was that for?' - 'Because you haven't even got a hamster. What's the matter? Don't you LIKE animals?')
Sleep with her mother, and tell everyone in the office how filthy she was.
Sleep with her father, and tell everyone in the office how filthy he was.
Play her the new Voon tape.
BWA-HA-HA! HO-HO-HO! - I'm roight funny, I yam
(Sorry, Mark - didn't mean it, but couldn't resist it either.)
>----------
>From: Gary Gilchrist +44 116 2561561 ext 4295[SMTP:gary.gilchrist@gecm.com]
>From: Gary Gilchrist +44 116 2561561 ext 4295[SMTP:gary.gilchrist@gecm.com]
>Sent: 09 July 1997 13:41
>To: Larkin, Mj; Neil; 'Adrian_Harris@Sonymusic.Com'; 'uk-indie@MIT.EDU';
>'Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk'; 'nic.p@gordian.co.uk';
>'Chris@cpruden.stayfree.co.uk'; '100714.2636@compuserve.com';
>'dgb@sun.engg.le.ac.uk'; 'nigelt@uunet.pipex.com'; 'gary.hawes@brunel.ac.uk';
>'M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk'
>Subject: Re: Marks Temp
>Subject: Re: Marks Temp
>
>>STUNTS!!
>>
>>do this:
>>
>>TAKE THE LITTLE BALL OUT OF HER MOUSE!! YES!!
>>
>>As you'll know, theres a wee slidy thing like a battery box lid under the
>>mouse - take this off and remove the ball!!
>
>So it's back to school humour then is it?
>
>Put her drawers (ho ho!) in upside down, or swap them so they don't fit
>properly.
>
>Put a ruler in the frame of the door by the hinges, standing vertically. Then
>the door won't shut and she'll wonder why.
>
>If she's got a phone, ring her and when she answers, hang up.
>
>etc etc
>
>
Date: Wed Jul 9 14:19:13 1997
From: MB Moore <M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: More stunts
Lock her in cupboard and tell her its organisational policy to give all employees 'anti-claustrophobia training'.
Loosen the joints of her seat to the point of near collapse and bill her for a replacement when it falls apart.
Or simply wire the metal parts of her desk to the mains supply.
Obtain a black cat. Put it in her desk draw. When she releases the cat from its confinement after hearing in its plaintive meows, accuse her of being a witch in league with the dark forces of Satan and point to cat as her 'familiar' (her occult / sexual partner). Demand she undergo trial by ordeal to prove her innocence or else be burnt at the stake.
On Wed, 9 Jul 1997, Larkin, Mj wrote:
> Stub out your cigarrettes on her arms and face.
>
> Attach high-tensile steel wires at neck height across her office
> doorway, and then shout 'Fire!'
>
> Rub earwax into her sandwiches.
>
> Write letters to all her friends, purporting to be from her, and say
> unforgiveable things to them.
>
> Tap her elbows with a hammer whenever she says a word with the letter
> 'E' in it - and don't tell her why you're doing it.
>
> If she has a pet - kick it. If she doesn't, kick her. And this time,
> make a point of telling her why you're doing it ('OW! What was that
> for?' - 'Because you haven't even got a hamster. What's the matter?
> Don't you LIKE animals?')
>
> Sleep with her mother, and tell everyone in the office how filthy she
> was.
>
> Sleep with her father, and tell everyone in the office how filthy he
> was.
>
> Play her the new Voon tape.
>
> BWA-HA-HA! HO-HO-HO! - I'm roight funny, I yam
>
> (Sorry, Mark - didn't mean it, but couldn't resist it either.)
>
> >
> >>STUNTS!!
> >>
> >>do this:
> >>
> >>TAKE THE LITTLE BALL OUT OF HER MOUSE!! YES!!
> >>
> >>As you'll know, theres a wee slidy thing like a battery box lid under the
> >>mouse - take this off and remove the ball!!
> >
> >So it's back to school humour then is it?
> >
> >Put her drawers (ho ho!) in upside down, or swap them so they don't fit
> >properly.
> >
> >Put a ruler in the frame of the door by the hinges, standing vertically. Then
> >the door won't shut and she'll wonder why.
> >
> >If she's got a phone, ring her and when she answers, hang up.
> >
> >etc etc
> >
> >
On Wed, 9 Jul 1997, Larkin, Mj wrote:
> Stub out your cigarrettes on her arms and face.
>
> Attach high-tensile steel wires at neck height across her office
> doorway, and then shout 'Fire!'
>
> Rub earwax into her sandwiches.
>
> Write letters to all her friends, purporting to be from her, and say
> unforgiveable things to them.
>
> Tap her elbows with a hammer whenever she says a word with the letter
> 'E' in it - and don't tell her why you're doing it.
>
> If she has a pet - kick it. If she doesn't, kick her. And this time,
> make a point of telling her why you're doing it ('OW! What was that
> for?' - 'Because you haven't even got a hamster. What's the matter?
> Don't you LIKE animals?')
>
> Sleep with her mother, and tell everyone in the office how filthy she
> was.
>
> Sleep with her father, and tell everyone in the office how filthy he
> was.
>
> Play her the new Voon tape.
>
> BWA-HA-HA! HO-HO-HO! - I'm roight funny, I yam
>
> (Sorry, Mark - didn't mean it, but couldn't resist it either.)
>
> >>do this:
> >>
> >>TAKE THE LITTLE BALL OUT OF HER MOUSE!! YES!!
> >>
> >>As you'll know, theres a wee slidy thing like a battery box lid under the
> >>mouse - take this off and remove the ball!!
> >
> >So it's back to school humour then is it?
> >
> >Put her drawers (ho ho!) in upside down, or swap them so they don't fit
> >properly.
> >
> >Put a ruler in the frame of the door by the hinges, standing vertically. Then
> >the door won't shut and she'll wonder why.
> >
> >If she's got a phone, ring her and when she answers, hang up.
> >
> >etc etc
> >
> >
>
Date: Thu Jul 10 09:22:03 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: gurgitating my lunch
Michael wisely states:
> > And somebody once told me that she's unrealistically proud of the fact
> >that she gave Freddy of Freddy and the Dreamers a blow job when she was
> >a teenager, if that counts. (I don't think it does, but I still don't
> >>like her).
> >
Then Neil:
> cue colourblind james experience:
>
>
>
> she's a witch! she must've been around for a thousand years!
>
HAHAHA! The next line is of course:
and i'll never think of money if i fall in love again, so help me
HAHAHAHA! Neil fancies Teri Wyncoll! He **LOVES** her, and is after the *CASH* from the festival!!! Aha! She's your girlfriend! You LOVE her! You ARE her!
Date: Thu Jul 10 09:48:34 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: balls
> Are all of uk-indie dull humourless buffoons or what? Why did no-one > respond to my "he put his balls on Aphex Twin's head" story? I though > it was ace... > > A samosa, a spicy vege roti, doritos and HAHA just remembered I've got > a maple and pecan flapjack left... > > Uh maple is canadian isn't it? Suddenly I'm bored to tears by this > grey little flapjack...
>
>
BAD things from canada:
Bryan Adams
Alanis Morrisette
Neil Young
Canadians 'were glad were not american'
Really bad french accents
GOOD things from canada
Countryside you can walk around without being shouted at by farmers
Gordon Lightfoot
Killer whales
MAPLE SYRUP
MAPLE kitchen worktops
MAPLE v5.0 (mathematical software written by TREES)
So, as you can see, the maple tree is canadas saving grace - no wonder they put it on thier flag.
The most boting song EVER is called (spelling it out as the song does) C A N A D A
I can only remember one line but you'll get the idea:
and it goes like this:
Cee Ayy enn ayy dee ayy!
Have you ever seen a magnetic hill?
well fuck me! theyve got a magnetic hill! you can make your own BLANK TAPES by driving a lorryload of casettes up the side! Right then, I'm off down the travel agents.
Date: Thu Jul 10 10:03:54 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: gurgitating my lunch
>
>> cue colourblind james experience:
>>
>>
>>
>> she's a witch! she must've been around for a thousand years!
>>
>
>HAHAHA! The next line is of course:
>
>and i'll never think of money if i fall in love again, so help me
>
>
>HAHAHAHA! Neil fancies Teri Wyncoll! He **LOVES** her, and is after the *CASH*
>from the festival!!! Aha! She's your girlfriend! You LOVE her! You ARE her!
>
>
>
Yeah right, I'm after the cash from abbey park festival, because i want to buy Half a Flapjack and a plastic cup, and a broken green biro.
There was a good one in fridays private eye:
'I'm depressed because I'm broke'
'have you considered counselling?'
'I suppose it's worth a go - after all, it's well paid and the hours are good'
I can now disclose that I am offering my psychiatric services to all of you who need your BRAINS sorted out. Surdery optional. Write to me in confidence. Cheap rates. Oasis fans neednt apply, after all, why do they have a brain when all they use is thier spinal cord?
HA HA HA HA
Date: Thu Jul 10 10:20:38 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: gurgitating my lunch
>and mr kosso has now joined - please amend your files accordingly - or not
>as the case may be....
>
mr Kosso i think comes from Camden Town.
Camden town?! CAMDEN TOWN!! when I lived in camden town in the early 70's it was all fields!! Seriously tho. It used to be a SLUM and my nan lied in Gladwin House which was deck access so you got vertigo going out to get the milk in the morning, but we thought it was bad for us - you try being a COW and living on the 5th floor! but most of the buildings were covered in JAM to repel the GRAYS. I can tell you a few things about camden town! Like when a marauding gand of vikings came from The North (Chalk Farm which incidentally got built on because the farmer went broke - demand dropped due to increasing use of whiteboards). and bought BRONZE to north london. I remember huge lorries driving round camden town, sometimes going all the way up to Archway with a sort of half - bus at the front, and a thing like a foot thick shiny copper tube connecting it to the trailer which was all black and covered with hoses. The whole things were about 50 feet long and smelt of oil. They belched steam and made a sort of noise like.
GggGGRRrRrrHHhhhHHHnNNNnNNNnN!!! VT!! VT!! VT!!!
Hmm. I wonder if theyre still there?
Date: Fri Jul 11 09:17:56 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Ants Pants and Audi-ance
I know that's not how you spell audience, but it rhymes better that way. It is a PARA-RHYME and i don't expect you lot to understand cos you is humble people not like me what is a poet and that. ah me.
Ants are indeeeeed scary, as are all small insect things. Last year i was convinced there was a beeeees nest in my attic cos i saw 2 bees in the flat, and i never open any windows or doors because then THEY might climb in when i'm not looking and steal my bodily fluids collection. I did have a little snail that lived on my kitchen window for a week a while ago, but he has disappeared into the mass of IVY that blokes my view. The IVY is now creeping in thru my ventilation, it's a bit scary.
There is only one kind of pant that is a Good Pant, and that is M&S BRIEFS. They are great and keep you secure but comfortable. The worst pants in the world are KNEELS PANTS. I know this cos at Phoenix he insisted on taking his trousers off and wandering around in them, and it made the Things I Saw At Glastonbury look not quite so awful. Brrrr... has it gone cold in here?
It's good to see a better class of Paul on this list. Coool. We now have an audience of THREE PEOPLE!!! HHAHAHAA! We'd better watch out then, if we are to SELL OUT in this way and play to such huge crowds i do not doubt ADE THE MAN will soon try and INFILTRATE us in order to be all sinister and subvert us and that. I don't like it when there's more people in the audience than in the band, it makes me claustrophobic.
Date: Fri Jul 11 11:46:20 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: V O O N on the M A S S Media!!
we were on the RADIO last night! cool huh?! at 1.00 a.m we were
S P L A T T E R E D all over the ether!! on B B C!! yoes!! BBC!!
Radio Leicester!! The 8th Biggest town in the 4th most densely populated country in the whole world!!
Cool Huh!?
Lunch, well, am not sure what I'm having yet, as didnt bring anything in, am trying to be on a sort of diet, getting fit ready for BIG CYCLING. It's the 100 miles in a day this summer. shame about that bloody rain lately, am now a bit out of shape. It is time to GET FIT. Time to become healthy now the summer is finally on the web!
Time for Dr KNeeeels (test based) Workout Video on the web!!
OK are you ready!!
So! Let's get those LIMBS working!!
Right! Cycle 30 miles! That's it!
Eat FISH!! Yeah! and don't forget to breathe!
Now build a huge contraption out of iron, wood and string with a boiler attatched to it!! Woo! Out of breath yet?!?
RUN down the pub for last orders!
Now SMELL FAINTLY OF JAM!!
Do a GIG!!?!!
Try not to go to SPAULDING!!
Don't tire yourself out now!!
OK, and relax. (Go round ED's and have a big joint)
Do you feel better? I do.
Woo! Health!!
Date: Fri Jul 11 12:38:00 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: Swearing at your relatives
Mmm. Once called my mum a cunt, one New Years Eve. I was having a party at my house, and in the course of the evening I managed to have the shag of my life (or at least it was up till then), drink more vodka than you would believe possible (really - you would claim that I was exaggerating), have a fight with my one of my best friends, a row with my girlfriend (causing her to go off and pool her grievances with the aforementioned 'best friend' - thus ruining two relationships in one go
>Ever had one of those?
Date: Fri Jul 11 13:49:55 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: The VOON Media Invasion continues
Wahey! Voon are in the Prestigious Leicester Mercury today, as the gig highlight of the week! Noing!
It says:
Gig highlights this week included legendary city nutcases Voon at the Pump and Tap tonight.
This is one of your last chances to see them as they are calling an end to it all after a nine-month scrape with fame.
Synth and guitar player Neil Brown told the Week "First time around no-one liked us because we couldn't sing and play. Somehow we all learned to play the modern disco music, sang about politics and meat slicers, and that's where the trouble began."
"Suddenly people liked us, came to the gigs and offered us record contracts!"
Bassist Mark Hibbit (fuckwits can't spell my name right even when it's WRITTEN DOWN) added: "We always strove to fight the mainstream, and things are looking decidedly Boyzone - we'll have to call it a day before more people cotton on."
Noing! I wonder how they found out about all the record contracts? (hem hem) I knew that one day, if i said it enough times, we would be referred to as Legends.
I love the Mercury. They'll believe ANYTHING.
And Paul asked:
> 1. Neil - are you a Vooner as well? I suspect not, given that you work/live > in Loughborough, but for some reason I have a hunch.........
You should see a doctor about that. Arf!
I _think_ Neil is in Voon, but not as a very important member or anything. He sometimes tunes my guitar, but if anyone looks at him he CRIES and runs away and hides at the back. Poor lamb, he is very shy.
Date: Fri Jul 11 14:10:49 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: I was so pissed...
HAHA! Michael, surely you are the LORD of long but interesting stories?
I cannot better it, but is Friday afternoon, so here is two long stories. Sit back.
In my second year at college i shared a house with Neil, but it wasn't all bad new because there was two GURLS there too, one of whom, Cathy, i fancied REALLY REALLY REALLY A LOT. I spent many months mooning about and generally being Twee, until the end of the year, when she was leaving to go to London for work experience, and it was her birthday. We all went out and got VERY VERY pissed, and me and her ended up at a party, snogging lots and being drunk. Foolishly, i walked home (this is part of a subset of stories: Me Passing Up a Definite Shag, vol. 1-3), as we had decided we would "just be friends."
Next morning at breakfast Neil sensed something was up, and in his usual tactful manner spent an HOUR saying "OOh, who did you get off with last night? Eh? Eh? Hey everyone, Mark got off with someone at the party, did you see Cathy AND ALL HER FRIENDS WHO TURNED UP?" It was v embarrassing, so i made him come to the railway station (i was going home for weekend) and spent another HOUR on the way not telling him who it was, until the train was leaving, and i sped from Leicester with his stunned look fading into the distance.
I got home an moped around the house all day, until my mum finally grabbed me and said "For God's sake, what's the matter?"
"Mother", i said, dramatically, "Last night i ... i got off with one of my best friends."
I have never seen someone go so very pale and shrivelled in so short a time. In a tiny voice she said "what ... what is his name?"
Bless. They always had their doubts about me, what with all my book-learning and all. The actual I Was So Pissed story is thus:
When i was 19 i discovered the Joys Of Beer (late developer), and so went to the Peterborough Beer Festival, which is brilliant and the only good thing that ever happens there. We started at about 7pm, and went alphabetically thru, getting to about R, i think (18 pints, one of each letter with extras for missing ones). This meant we drank Baz's Bonce Blower, The Country's Strongest (and bloody horriblest - it's about 11.05 or something MAD) second.
I remember leaving, and trying to steal the 30ft high advertising hording, but nothing else. I woke to find myself asleep on a mattress on my bedroom floor, with the bed empty except for a damp duvet. My brother should have been on the mattress, cos my cousing was staying in his room, so i went to find out why i was there. On the way down i found muddy marks at intervals on either side of the hallway, and a pint of gravel in the kitchen.
"Good morning James!" i said, brightly, "why was i sleeping on the mattress?"
He was not happy. They'd all been woken by me trying to open the door, then staggering about the hall (the pint of gravel has never been explained). Next thing he knows, i'm stood in the doorway, smacking the wall for the (already on) lightswitch, grinning beautifically. I fall over. I stand up. I try to take my trousers off, and fall over. I move forwards, and fall over the mattress, which he was on. I stand up and say "I'm going to string a violin", try and climb into the wardrobe, then fall out. Stand up, look around, then get out the old gentleman, and piss all over the bed. It's dark again, so my brother only knows this is happening when the drips start to splash off onto his legs.
What happened immediately after this i don't know, i don't remember any of it. I do know that Making A Cup Of Tea certainly helped calm my brother down, as did ringing my mum up to apologise A LOT, washing the duvet, and then looking guilty, if a littly rascally, at tea-time and agreeing that, perhaps tonight i'd not go to the beer festival after all.
Cheers,
Mark
Date: Fri Jul 11 15:04:47 1997
From: MB Moore <M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk>
Subject: Revenge
Prawn Mayo Bagette n some coffee laced with my Austrian Roomate's home-made Apples 'n' Pears (yes, he is half-cockney) Schnapps (stored in a fizzy water bottle to be smuggled thru customs, natch).
My coffee-making machine has died!!!!!
I found it in a pool of its own caffeine-related juices this afternoon.
Serves me right for being proto-yuppie SCUM. Whilst i have recently
switched to cds instead on those new-fangle wax-engraved cylinders, i have
yet to buy Sting's greatest solo hits and do not own a humidifier (why???
it's fucking humid enough already)
On Fri, 11 Jul 1997, Larkin, Mj wrote:
> > How did you explain to your mum, about calling your
> >mum a clot? Did you all sit down with a cup of tea and have a good laugh
> >about it?!
>
> No, as I recall, I MADE her a cup of tea (she was still in bed when I
> got back from the 'hilarious' (how they laughed ...) filling in session,
> and erm I grovelled apologetically for ten minutes and was then
> sentenced to about one week's hard Skulking Around Guiltily. She's
> lovely, my mum, really, and she soon 'forgot' about it - sooner than me,
> obviously.
> >
>
The 10 Worst Things To Do When Pissed:
Date: Fri Jul 11 15:54:59 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: The Dream Of Pint Glasses
Half an hour before i can legitemately piss off, so now i present, for those who haven't heard it before, the wondrous tale of:
THE DREAM OF PINT GLASSES
This happened last year, and like all the best stories (all my best stories) it contains the following elements:
Me being hideously pissed
Me failing to get off with someone
I met someone i really fancied at Razzle, for those who remember that far back, after having drunk an bottle of wine prior to going out. Under the influence of BEER, cos for some reason the combination of the Charlotte and easy listening music made me want to drown myself in numbing poisons, we went off to the Attic
Anyway, eventually foresaid Zachary of Gallagher Fame and Matthew, who is now 50% of my London record company, carried me home. Someone got a pizza on the way home, and when we got to my house i rather rudely told them to fuck off. Oh dear. Zac stays for a while, to eat the remains of the pizza, which Matthew couldn't finish.
Next morning i wake up REALLY THIRSTY, trouble by a dream in which, in slow motion, i see pint glasses falling into a glistening pool. This reminds me how thirsty i am, but i can't find my pint glass. For five minutes i laugh hysterically about this.
I then go for the traditional COLOSSAL DUMP, which is so violent it actually blocks the toilet. It takes me ten minutes to stop finding this HILARIOUS.
An hour later the loo is still blocked, and the way i'm feeling, nothing will ever be hilarious again. I'm eating the last bit of the pizza, which Zac too failed to finish, when Matthew rings. "Oh God," he says, "I feel so guilty - don't tell Zac, but the reason i gave him the pizza was cos i dropped it on the floor. I think i dropped it in some shit."
Ugh. The toilet is still blocked, the dream is still troubling me, and then suddenly i realise what happened - i staggered in, and diligently drank a pint of water (which works, but not when THIS pissed). I fill it from the sink in the bathroom, and drop it into the toilet, giggling as it falls. "Sod it", i think, flush it away, and go to bed. Except, of course, you can't actually flush pint glasses down the toilet...
And so it was that i had to get out the rubber gloves, and at lunchtime on a Sunday with the Worlds Worst Hangover (drinks the night before: BEER, Red Wine, Vodka, Whisky, Rum & Coke, BEER and LAGER) wearing rubber gloves up to my elbows in shit and broken glass.
I didn't drink much for a while after that.
Cheers,
Mark
Date: Fri Jul 11 16:27:43 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I was so pissed...
>personally I don't drink so I never get pissed and don't believe >anything that anyone else tells you about me because it's all untrue. >
who needs alcohol to enjoy oneself when one has the love of the little baby jesus!
and of course, Norweigan Blended Fish Juice!
Once right, when I'd had rather too much fish juice and goats milk, I was at a party at age 17. It was at a girls 18th birthday party.
My friend (not for much longer) drove us there in his car, and we intended to kip in the car that night. This friend was quite dull, as were most of the other ppl at this party so I downed a bottle of vodka in about 30 minutes flat. I felt ok for a bit, then it all went a bit pear shaped. Apparently I tried to snog a girl who was famous for being painfully shy. I tried to cheer her up by saying that I didnt think she was a fridgid bitch whatever everyone else said. She left in tears. I then tried (unsuccessfully thankfully) to pick a fight with my friend Karl, who was 2nd Dan in Judo, by calling him a spotty northern shit who didnt know any judo at all and was just a big Blouse, in front of him and a young lady who he was trying to chat up. By this time I cant remember much of it at all - it feels like a dream. I remember being on the front lawn spinning round on my arse on the ground in a puddle of sick. I also remember being locked in the garden shed for a bit (until I tunnelled my way out through some of the less strong slats). By this time i was an UNSTOPPABLE FORCE and someone had to turn the hosepipe on me. I got my own back by being sick all over them. HA!! Then someone had the bright idea of taking my shirt off and tying me by the waist to the washing machine. Where I stayed for the next few hours, shouting insults at anyone that came near me. At this time the girl whos party it was welcomed her mum home, to find a half naked 17 year old, covered in sick and urine, tied to a washing machine, shouting 'you dirty old slaaag!!' at her, whilst loads of people hid in the living room crying.
She told Paul (my mate that had drove us there) to take me away. SO! we
walk up to Pauls car, (well, I was carried most of the way) and he shoves
me into the back seat and himself into the front. I have a quilt over me
but am shivering, so he decides to drive us home. The stupid prick had
actually had 4 pints. It was raining, and there were 8 miles of country
lanes to negotiate. Sure enough On the 3rd bend the car went off the
road, lept a 12
foot ditch, and landed in a potato field, about 2 foot deep in mud. I had
my head wedged in the passenger footwell.
'Neil, I just crashed the car'
'I'll buy you a new one. Just stop making all that bloody racket! I've finally managed to get myself comfortable!'
so!! he rings my stepdad who helped pull my head out the car took us home, during which time my resoursefull friend had managed to blame the crash on me saying it was my fault that he'd decided to take me home!! I got home and fell asleep on the hall floor.
Next day, we towed the car out with a tractor, and I got a stern talking to from this stepdad twat. Strange really because he knew nothing about the party. This so called 'mate' had said he'd only had a half of lager!! and this cunt believed him!!
with my fingers crossed I said I'd never drink again!!
The next weekend, I did much the same thing!!, only this time I took MY car and an extra duvet and didnt drive when pissed.
I got 1 a level out of 3, but hads a bloody good time!!!
Date: Fri Jul 11 16:49:45 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: The definitive 'Dear John' letter
Many amusing stories today - we'll need an amusing stories link on our web page at this rate. I'd just like to contribute one final, near-incredulous story to the litany of drunkenness. I must apologise in advance for the urban myth quality of this story ( 'A friend of a friend ..') but in my defence I can say that though he was indeed not my friend, but my friend's friend, the protaganist of this story is a real person, whom I have met - and having met him, I can believe it. So. This friend of a friend is an extremely laddish specimen, much given, as laddish specimens are drinking, boasting and womanising ("drinkin' lechin' and lyin'" as Boss Hog once said). One night in an appalling state of inebriation he manages to persuade this woman (who was even more laddish, and up for it than even he was) back to his flat, largely on the strength of his claim to be one of great shags of the Western world. So, the pub soon shuts, she accompanies him, they drink some more, and after some brisk foreplay, she drags him eagerly into bedroom. Where he promptly collapses into unconsciousness, just as pocedeedings are getting nicely underway. The following morning, he awakes to find his head pounding, the flat deserted, and a still-warm, freshly-laid turd deposited neatly upon his chest.
>----------
>
Date: Fri Jul 11 16:57:08 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: The definitive 'Dear John' letter
> The following morning, he awakes to find his head pounding, the flat >deserted, and a still-warm, freshly-laid turd deposited neatly upon his >chest.
women are so touchy about blokes falling asleep on the job! stuck up tarts! whats thier problem? you shag a bit, pass out, and start again in ther morning! whats wrong with that? silly sods. weve all got to sleep sometime!
and theres nothing big or clever about still being up at 1.00 in the morning. They should realise this!
Oh its all very easy to get a strop on about a chap needing a rest when all you have to do is lie there. vapid bitches!!
AND they use too much loo roll.
AND they like to file ducks bills down to a bloodied stump so that the poor ducks die of starvation.
AND theyre so bloody goody two shoes arent they? Oppenheimer wasnt a girl, neither was the unabomber. No! all the girl terrorists stayed in and watched fucking brrokside!!
:)
>
>>----------
>>
>
Date: Mon Jul 14 14:05:29 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Haircuts
> > Hey Nic: HAAAAIIIIRRRR-CUUUUUUUUTTT....
I usually go to the Mafia Barbers on Narborough Road (you know the one), but one time i tried somewhere else nearer my house. I sat down in the chair, bloke got a HUGE BLADE out and started scraping away around my ears, and said "So sir, do you believe in our lord Jesus?"
He then took HALF AN HOUR to cut my hair, during which i had the full story of his son's drug addiction, thieving and general BAD-ASSEDNESS, which culminated in "and now he has the love of the baby Jesus. Would you like a leaflet sir?"
I didn't go there again.
Lunch: Marmite Sandwiches!!! (slight return). And apples, obviously.
Top Tea-Time Veggie Treat: I recently succumbed to the CORPORATIONS and bought some birdseye meatless sausages, which i fully expected to be crap compared to them Quorn ones, but they're absolutely fantastic, and now i eat little else.
Date: Mon Jul 14 14:06:59 1997
From: Nigel Turner <nigelt@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: Haircuts
I usually go to the Mafia Barbers on Narborough Road (you know the one), =
but
one time i tried somewhere else nearer my house. I sat down in the =
chair, bloke
got a HUGE BLADE out and started scraping away around my ears, and said =
"So
sir, do you believe in our lord Jesus?"
You didn't tell us how you answered. Though since you still had a full = compliment of ears on Saturday night, I assume it was in the = affirmative?
Date: Mon Jul 14 16:47:47 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Haircuts
>
>But where are you drinking the grapefruit squash - tell us!!!!! Don't be so
>selfish!!!!!!!!
Right here baby! Right here, right now. The time is NOW, and the word on the streets is 'shops'.
am sitting in the sun room, as big rich is in the red room and my p60's network card caught fire when I let windoze 95 near it.
theres just me and 28 huge sun computers. and it is HOT baby! yeah maaaaan!
>
>
>------
>Paul Newton http://www.ep.cs.nott.ac.uk/~pkn >Electronic Publishing Research Group University Of Nottingham
>------
>
Date: Wed Jul 16 14:24:35 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Revenge
Bleee, I met a Canadian last night, from uk-indie, and she was...
quite nice? What's going on with the world? Actually, I'd have to say
"I would", not that that probably counts for very much.
Arg, bumped into little will on the way back from the canteen (fucking
magic spinach risotto pie, courgettes, sweetcorn and chips), and he's
"been asked" to take a photo of me where I'm not holding my hands up
to my head and going "blee"... what's that all about then?
Is this lot going on the web page Pills?
The 10 Worst Things To Do When Pissed:
Can we make this a definitive list, and add "walk home with your eyes
shut" and "tie yourself to a washing machine"? Flipper, did you do all
these things in the same night? Was it last night?
I have a bizarre medical condition, the less I drink, the worse
hangover I get... I had about 3 pints last night, and I feel like I'm
going to die today.
Date: Wed Jul 16 14:32:24 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: new C A M P I N G adventure
lunch was a bit depressing - 2 fish finger sarnies (cold) without margarine ( i ran out).
MOT cost me nigh on 100 quid over all. NnnNNnNuuUuuGggGghhHhTtTyYYy!!!! WHY OH WHY do we have MOT's? It's for all the sissys that need brakes and lights. terrible so it is. dead prissy. I'm going to live in Cuba where they make thier own brake fluid out of molasses and orange squash!
BUT!! I PASSED!! Hooray!! Stop me NOW meester Policeman!
Stop me now and smear my groin with lucozade and demand that i show my documents down the station!! I will strangle myself in the cells with spaghetti that i have smuggled in up my nose!! From there I shall go and meet my lord satan! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!
CAMPING!!! I'm going to Norfolk coast i think, with whoever wants to come! (a couple of SPACES left).
at the weekend! with my HOT PRIMUS on which it is possible to cook all manner of things.
WHO's COMING!!?!??!
Date: Wed Jul 16 15:01:16 1997
From: MB Moore <M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Revenge
Weetabix, edam/emmanental on crackers, 2 mandarins, slice of Swiss Roll... and COFFEE!!!
On Wed, 16 Jul 1997, Nic Pillinger wrote:
> last night I had lunch (alright it was dinner) in the houses of > Parliament. Wow what a great place that was. I surprised my Dad and > other important dignitaries (but not myself) there by drinking eight > G&T's and a couple of bottles of wine and falling over (a lot). I seem > to have this problem that if someone says "go on have a drink .. it's > free" I just get absolutely paralytic. Anyway I stole a menu so I'll put > it on the Lunch web tomorrow.
You were in the HOP n all y'did was get pissed? what a missed
opportunity...
(You could have vomit-drowned Ann Widdecombe at the very least)
I arrived home at 3am last night to meet my new housemate. The first thing I noticed about him was the large, ornate spear he was sharpening. He then produced a sword from a scabard lying around his room which he offered me the use of. We spent a few minutes discussing the how difficult it is to remove rust from lethal weapons before I retired for the evening. Apart from his blade fixation, he seems a thoroughly decent chap.
Matt
Date: Wed Jul 16 15:18:31 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Revenge
>
>> last night I had lunch (alright it was dinner) in the houses of
>> Parliament. Wow what a great place that was. I surprised my Dad and
>> other important dignitaries (but not myself) there by drinking eight
>> G&T's and a couple of bottles of wine and falling over (a lot). I seem
>> to have this problem that if someone says "go on have a drink .. it's
>> free" I just get absolutely paralytic. Anyway I stole a menu so I'll put
>> it on the Lunch web tomorrow.
Hey kids! subvert from within! Can I come to parliament and meet your Dad and all of his colleagues please? I have a few salient points to make about the transport policy and the new developments taking place in science funding. Oh, and I want to give him my recipie for Chilli Bean Rotis.
>
>You were in the HOP n all y'did was get pissed? what a missed
>opportunity...
>(You could have vomit-drowned Ann Widdecombe at the very least)
>
>I arrived home at 3am last night to meet my new housemate. The first thing
>I noticed about him was the large, ornate spear he was sharpening. He then
>produced a sword from a scabard lying around his room which he offered me
>the use of. We spent a few minutes discussing the how difficult it is to
>remove rust from lethal weapons before I retired for the evening. Apart
>from his blade fixation, he seems a thoroughly decent chap.
urrrrk!!
I used to share a house with a bloke out of mental hospital - he used to follow you into the toilet and make strange noises at night. he'd creep up on you from behind and say 'i dont feel quite well in the head' and make you jump out of your skin. then sometimes hed lurk behind you and then recound how he'd just kicked hiis mums dog under a bus or something. he was a fucking fruitcake. i used to barricade my door shut at night and sleep with a knife beside the bed.
sounds no0t so scary now but this guy was CREEPY. he had a way of talking
like a psycho killer. 12 month assured
shorthold contracts for shared houses are a fucking abomination - trapping
complete strangers in the same hoiuse the only reason being guaranteed
rent for the scummy capitalist landlords. all landlords should be shot!
but now i have my Enormous Flat!! Hooray!! Tonight I will go home and SIT in it and cook fish!! Hooray!!
>
>LaundroMatt
>
>
he's very clean isnt he?
Date: Thu Jul 17 13:52:43 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
On Thu, 17 Jul 1997, Paul Newton wrote:
>
>Nic Dumper wrote:
>> and it was HUGE. A hangover DUMP is one of the best things except that
>> when I made my pizza for dinner last night I put loads of Jalepenos on
>> it. OUCH.
>
>That is very nice. I've just got in after a VERY LATE NIGHT of beer and
>playstations (which I don't normally play, I might add) and I am feeling
>pretty rough. This email (above) was the first one I read, and it didn't
>make me feel much better.......
strangely enough I had a bit of a rough start this morning. I'd ran out of loo roll so after my first dump of the day had to wash my arse in the sink with loads of soap and hot water (for want of a bidet). I came in and my arse was sweating somewhat due to the huge amount of soya i had last night. I went in the loo to wipe my arse and it was starting to leak poo! Lucky I got to it when I did!
Sometimes you fart and it feels a bit warm? Well my advice is to hold it in till you get to the loo because it might be a wet one.
Hope this is all helpful.
Oh yes. If you get piles, and you cant lay your hands on pile cream, zinc oxide cream works almost as well.
Date: Thu Jul 17 14:41:57 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
>
> Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk wrote:
> >
> > UUUuuuuUUUURR! Spazmo!
> >
> HAH, this reminds me of a conversation we were having the other night.
> Joey Deacon. Hands up who remembers Joey then? Everyone reading this now
> is putting their tongue behind their bottom lip and making wild hand
> gestures shouting JOEY DEACON. Anyway whatever happened to him? My
> younger brother (16 years old) had no idea what I was on about when I
> called him this which sort shocked and surprised me. It is a very small
> core of people of a certain age that find this name ultimately amusing.
> Anyway just thought I'd share that with you all..
This is all v true... ah me, happy summer days, flidding out on the football field ... but can you remember the name of his special friend? Ah! You know, the one who translated for him and said "Joey says his shoe fell in the water."
I have been told that his name was Ernie (tho he did not drive a milk float cos him spastic too), but this does not ring true.
What happened to him: I should think he is DEAD, what with him being about 90 back when i was weee, so he must be about 180 by now. I have said "NNNUR! JOEY!" at people 3 years of age either side of me, and they never know what i'm on about, so maybe Joey is the Woodstock of our generation?
Date: Thu Jul 17 14:48:48 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[2]: I just had a DUMP
>
>
>
> what we need to read right now is the lyrics to Marks great hit 'special
> needs'
>
>
>
>
Er... what song is that then? I have no recollection.
Actually, i sang about of it to James (non-Leicester people: he is The Highland Karate Cookery Teacher, and also My New Band) the other night, and he was visibly stunned after hearing only the first verse, so i pretended there was no more of it. When he left i went and sat in the corner in shame. Bad Boy, Naughty boy etc etc. Anyway, it's not taking the piss, it's a tale of love's triumph against mental handicap, what's wrong with that, EH?
I'll not bother posting the words tho, you can take my word for it. I NEVER LIE.
Date: Thu Jul 17 14:52:27 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
>> core of people of a certain age that find this name ultimately amusing.
>> Anyway just thought I'd share that with you all..
>
>
>This is all v true... ah me, happy summer days, flidding out on the football
>field ... but can you remember the name of his special friend? Ah! You know,
>the one who translated for him and said "Joey says his shoe fell in the water."
>
>I have been told that his name was Ernie (tho he did not drive a milk float cos
>him spastic too), but this does not ring true.
>
>What happened to him: I should think he is DEAD, what with him being about 90
>back when i was weee, so he must be about 180 by now. I have said "NNNUR!
>JOEY!" at people 3 years of age either side of me, and they never know what i'm
>on about, so maybe Joey is the Woodstock of our generation?
>
>
Joey Deacon made an appearance on the LOaded BBS not too long back
e.g. someone would post a message saying 'oh damm, my cars just been nicked and it wasnt insured'
and Joey would reply 'NnnUuuUUuUUUUuRRRRRR!!! MEEeE GooOO PPlOP PlOP!!!'
LOADS of ppl wrote back to say that joey was sick and infantile. he'd responded by saying things like
'IMmmMM NoTT Sik! Me was sick yesTuRdAt!! iMM need PLOP PLOP!! NuRSE!! Mee go plop plop inn mi PANTS!!'
the usual reply would be 'PISS OFF!'
and Joey would retort 'I caRnT go! Mi BooT FeLL INnN The WatEr!'
it was COOL.
but you cant tell ppl anything these days. oh god i hate lou. why wouldnt he invite me to his wedding?
Date: Thu Jul 17 15:04:20 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: a song about C A P T A I N F I S H G R O I N
the unsung hero of the wild west
it's the new FPV HIT! sing to the tune of Davey Crockett
Fish Groin!
Captain Fish groin!
The king of the wild frontier!
Fish Groin!
Captain Fish Groin!
He looks like the front of a haddocks rear!
Oh he tamed the wild west
with his fishy-NESS
he flapped his tail around
the rockies
He looked like a man
losing a fight with a dolphin
he scared the bandits so much
they'd not eat hoki (fillets)
(all together now!)
OH! CAPTAIINNN!!
CAPTAIN FISH GROIN!!
He had a face like a fishes BUM!!
CAPTAIN !!!
CAPTAIN FISH GROIN!!
he was always very helpful to his MUM!!
The entire band is poisoned with paraquat at this point (luckily they all saw the fungicide!) and die an agonising death and specially trained shaved albatrosses are nailed to the stage in order to complete the song. An old bloke on a kidney machine provides a rhythmic whirring of pumps and sloshing of liquid noise as accompanyment.
it goes like this:
BRAAAKKKKK! A SQUAAKKK!!! (dont worry if you cant speak Albatross)
(gurgle hummm! gurgle SPLOSH!!)
VraAAAKKK!! BRAAAAKKKKKK!!!
(gurgle gurgle SPLOSSSHH!!! hummm sploshhh!)
Come on then! let's have all of you dancing!!
Date: Thu Jul 17 15:12:31 1997
From: MB Moore <M.B.Moore-96@student.lut.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
On Thu, 17 Jul 1997, Paul Newton wrote:
>
> Nic Pillinger <nic.p@gordian.co.uk> wrote:
> > Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk wrote:
> > >
> > > UUUuuuuUUUURR! Spazmo!
> > >
> > HAH, this reminds me of a conversation we were having the other night.
> > Joey Deacon. Hands up who remembers Joey then? Everyone reading this now
> > is putting their tongue behind their bottom lip and making wild hand
> > gestures shouting JOEY DEACON. Anyway whatever happened to him? My
> > younger brother (16 years old) had no idea what I was on about when I
> > called him this which sort shocked and surprised me. It is a very small
> > core of people of a certain age that find this name ultimately amusing.
> > Anyway just thought I'd share that with you all..
>
> I'm pretty sure that Joey Deacon died actually - which kind of puts a
> downer on the email.......
Joey Deacon is indeed dead and gone. I sadly don't have my complete set of Blue Peter annuals with me to verify the facts of his life.
I found his story oddly moving - despite my running around the playground with my tongue behind my lower lip shouting 'SPAKKA' as often as possible.
My later work at charidee for the disabled, kinda shook the Saintly Joey image of the disabled i had developed as a child.
One guy I worked with was a 7' ex-squaddie who was paralysed from the
waist down:
His hobbies: beer and lechery. He would frequently ask me to move his
chair the better to ogle women with. Top chap.
He was also planning a novel, plot synopsis follows:
Disabled bloke stumbles on beautiful Russian spy whilst going to collect
new false leg. Discovers IRA are using flogged-off Soviet submarine to
smuggle nuclear arms (as opposed to false arms, ho ho). Sub has a leaky
reactor causing MASS FISH DEATH...
I'm still waiting for it to see it in Smiths.
Anyway, this bloke made me wonder if under his pure exterior, Joey wasn't a bit of lad too. Beer, that Sarah Greene off Blue Peter. May be Ernie wnaked him off as well as translating for him....
Matt
Date: Thu Jul 17 15:50:07 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re[2]: I just had a DUMP
but you cant tell ppl anything these days. oh god i hate lou. why
wouldnt he invite me to his wedding?
Neil, "joey" was you wasn't it.
My mate Ali didn't invite me to his wedding either, until he and his
wife bowed to pressure from the best man, and invited me the day
before. All because I used to go out with his wife-to-be, and I dumped
her and she cried and was a real embarrassing mess and threatened to
throw herself off the Itchen Bridge...
Some people, they just can't forget these things can they?
I was feeling really ropey earlier, but I'm feeling much better now.
Who's up for coming out tonight? Not camping or anything shit like
that, but DRINKININGE and TAKING DRUGS in CAMDEN and SEEING A BAND
because I'm COOL.
Joey Deacon's shoe falling in the river is the only thing from before
I was 17 that I can still remember.
I DUMPED HER, RIGHT?
"Are you going commando?"? I fucking ask you, if someone said that to
you, what are you going to think? "Ah, you have no life, you stay in
to watch Friends on a friday night, on your own probably"...
My sister told me it was from Friends, I've never even heard that
particular radio show.
Date: Thu Jul 17 15:56:30 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
This was all very moving ....
> Joey Deacon is indeed dead and gone. I sadly don't have my complete set of
> Blue Peter annuals with me to verify the facts of his life.
>
> I found his story oddly moving - despite my running around the playground
> with my tongue behind my lower lip shouting 'SPAKKA' as often as possible.
>
> My later work at charidee for the disabled, kinda shook the Saintly Joey
> image of the disabled i had developed as a child.
*sniff*, i was all touched, until ...
> Anyway, this bloke made me wonder if under his pure exterior, Joey wasn't > a bit of lad too. Beer, that Sarah Greene off Blue Peter. May be Ernie > wnaked him off as well as translating for him....
nnyyyaaaarrghhh!!!
Please do NOT take such images and beam them into my BRAIN.
Also on the NNNGG!!! Front: I resolved that i would shut up about MOI BANDS on uk-indie for the rest of this week, and what happens? Somebody starts going on about Lissy's Records AND The Family Way! ARGH! Prime SHOWING OFF slot, and i am forcing myself to BLOODY SHUT UP ABOUT IT. What a fooool i have beeen.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!
Just over a week until i have **TWO** records released on different labels on the SAME DAY!!!! The only other person in the entire history of POP i can think of who has done this is NO-ONE! Even Paul McCartney kept a week between Let It Be and McCartney ... People who release two records by different bands on the Same Day are GRATE, aren't they Neil?
Date: Thu Jul 17 16:10:07 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: I just had a DUMP
>Same Day are GRATE, aren't they Neil?
Halleluliah! Yee harr brother! You are Damm Right! And Praise The Lord!
We are so good thanks to this gift of Music given us by our Lord Jesus, and we must sing His Praises!!
A hymm!!
He did not tell dirty jokes
He didnt do much wrong
He was a good bloke
To base a religion on!
Oh! Jesus had the cleanest penis!
Jeeeesus had the cleanest penis!
He cleaned it every day, with a high pressure spray
Jesus had the cleanest penis!!!
Yeeeee HAr!!! Halleluliah my children! Would you like to see some puppies?
>
>
>
Date: Fri Jul 18 11:42:39 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Time to SHAVE
I have made (dum dum dum dumdumdumdum)
A Big Decision ...
Nggg! After my Regular Morning Bowel Movement just now (very pleasant, thank you for asking) i looked at my beard in the mirror. Approx. 30% of ALL THE HAIRS in it (which is quite a look cos i'm such a man) were WHITE!!!
AAARGGHH!!! DDDEEEAAATTHHH!!!! Last week it was not so noticeable, but now i have reached the Time To Trim stage, but i fear that this is a step too far by friend beard, if it thinks it can get away with REMINDING ME OF IMPENDING DEATH in this fashion, it has another thing coming.
By the way, isn't it fucking annoying when people say "you've got another _think_ coming"? Grrr.., what's that supposed to mean? It's WRONG. To be honest, i blame the teachers. In my day they taught spelling and maths, and they were strict but fair. Now? Now it's all hippy ideas of free love and long hair, and you can't tell the boys from the girls. Bring back National Service.
Right, that's it. It's DEFINITELY going...
Date: Fri Jul 18 13:06:41 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: How do you know if a scouser has burgled your house?
>>the bin is empty and the dog has been raped!
>>
>>this one bought to you by the great Dennis the Dutchman!
>
>I thought you were going home, you filthy fucking camper type!
>
no camping this w/e. it's raining all the time because of the changes in the gulf stream direction of flow bought about by melting polar ice caps due to the global warming that was not helped by the tory-nazis appalling lack of a transport policy pumping out too much pollution as a result. - which has p`been perpetuated by the current wimpy regime who havent got the balls to charge freight users to go on the motorways. fucking new labour twat-cunts!
So: I cannot go camping because of the Government. Albeit indirectly. I was going to dig tunnels and chain myself to trees and everything.
>Why lie eh? Do you get off on it? Does it fill you with >pre-coital pleasure? Does it make your nipples stiff? >Do tell!
I realised there'd be nowhere to park so figured I might as well get some work done because it's STILL RAINING.
GggGgnnNnnHhNnHnnHnnHnnhnnNNNNN!!!!!!
>
>Gaz
>
Date: Fri Jul 18 14:11:36 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Re[2]: Juliana Hatfield stole my strimmer
>
> I had the bacon and tomato one, and it was... wait a minute, I said all > this the other day didn't I? > > SEE! HA! TIMETRAVELLING AND BEING PISSED! IT'S TRUE!
>
>
>
Man or Astrom Man tonight, followed by camping tomorrow IF IT EVER STOPS SODDING RAINING.
Just joined the Mech Eng Workshop lottery syndicate! Me and 9 other
blokes that
smell of OIL are going to be rich!! wahey!!
I smelled OIL quite strongly, only it was cutting oil and not lube oil so i kew there was someone in the lab soaked in a Different Kind of Oil.
It was Steve from the workshop. Not the other steve, he smells of Hydraulic Oil.
I showed Steve, resplendent in his oil stained labcoat the system I'd set up on the computer to use artificial intelligence to predict the numbers. He was dead impressed. he even spilt some oil on the computer in his excitement.
Then I had to undergo the Workshop Lottery Syndicate Initiation Rites: all members nailed dogs legs and pieces of pigs liver to the walls whilst shouting very loudly about the welsh and how they should be made to wear yellow trousers and drink milk.
I was so good at it they asked if i'd been spying on them.
Then we all slipped over on some oil someone had left on the floor.
Date: Fri Jul 18 15:38:33 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re[4]: Juliana Hatfield, never had her strimmer feeled
Is anyone doing anything decent this w/end? I suppose it's just the usual
is it? ie:
NGP: Stay in and masturbate.
Gary: Watch old re-runs of Dr Who.
Neil: Nail things to walls. Camp.
Very.
Mark: Beard shaving.
Nic: Dunno - new haircut?
Go to Ikea and B&Q with his wife more like, and she probably won't even let
him look at the sheds.
If I don't get replies, then enjoy your w/ends everyone.
Well reminded, I nearly forgot to have a good 'un... I'm going back
home to see my chummies from college as one of them is back from
Denmark where he emigrated to, for a week... was that ambiguous
enough? He didn't emigrate for a week.
P.S Neil - I have another chance 2 meet up. I'm seeing Man or AstroMan at The Charlotte tonight. Can't remember exactly what you look like, short hair and quite tall, and very good looking if I remember. I have a completely shaved head - so make sure you come across if you see me. Will you be wearing silver things?
Neil is balder than that, the top of his head is just a brain, no skin
or skull or anything. You two should stand together and you will look
like a pair of tits. How ironic.
Just spoke to my dad on the phone, but completely failed to call him a
cunt or anything...
Date: Fri Jul 18 15:38:33 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: Draft Letter to Michael Fish
A fine letter, but erm - what rain? Its dry as a bone, here!
Anyway, haven't had any lunch today (becuase I missed the three or four
minutes when the canteen is open, and I'm much too busy to go out to get
some) but I HAVE just been talking to the Times Higher Ed. about my
>"fascinating" research (quote). Cool, huh?
>
>
Date: Fri Jul 18 15:41:57 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: RE: Draft Letter to Michael Fish
>
>A fine letter, but erm - what rain? Its dry as a bone, here!
Yes, a, very, fine, letter, indeed, i must say. everything, is, now well, readable.
EVERYONE IS MAD!!
we have Gary threatening to rape michael fish's pets Pauly teaching us all how to cook TOAST and now Michael wigs out inna punctuated stylee!
You are all looneys!!
LOOOONNNEEEEYYYYYYYY!!! LOOONNNEEEEYYYYYY!!! LOOOOOONNNNEEEEEYYYYY!!!!
Date: Fri Jul 18 16:37:40 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re[4]: Oi! Flids! Read this sodding message!!
I might come to london and cook really hard things like beans on toast and wow the masses.
Fuck off you bald wanker... it's no wonder no-one from angst wants to
meat you... you know they all talk about you when you're not there...
Here's my favourite new recipe, it's for "Neil Brown's Mail".
Ingredients:
half a dozen plump references to squirrels
one "nailed to your face"
one "nailed to my face"
several "LOOONNNEEEEYYYYYY!!!"s
a "HhhHGggHhGhhGnNNNN" cut to a suitable length
and some "they've still got my sander", just to garnish
scatter them randomly about hte page, in an attempt to appear
interesting, wait 5 minutes, then repeat...
LOOOONNNEEEEYYY!!!!!
Date: Fri Jul 18 16:31:17 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: disclaimer
>****************************************
This document should only be
>read by those persons to whom it is addressed
> and thier Nan, and is not intended to be relied upon by any person
>without subsequent written confirmation of its contents. Accordingly, we
>disclaim all responsibility and accept no liability (including in
>negligence) for anything. It wasnt us alright? The lawnmower was on it's
>way out anyway and it was someone elses dog that ate your begonias. for
>the consequences for any person acting, or refraining from acting, on
>such information prior to the receipt by those persons of subsequent
>written confirmation. If you have received this E-mail message in error,
>please notify us immediately by telephone. Don't notify us by email
>because we are raving mad and wil only answer the phone. Shame we didnt
>put our number in anyway. Would you like a nice hot cup of tea?. Please
>also destroy and delete the message from your computer. Boing Boing
>wibble, I am a cheese flan over 20 miles across, hovering some nine miles
>above the surface of the earth. Any form of reproduction, dissemination,
>copying, disclosure, modification, distribution and/or publication of
>this E-mail message is strictly prohibited, and if you do so you will
>feel really unhappy and dead guilty and stuff.
>****************************************
Date: Fri Jul 18 16:47:06 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Pauly, the amazing paper target!
> HERE! It hasn't happened yet! Time travel again! Brilliant!
>
> Not that I'm still going on about you abusing my top recipe neil
yes you are! you are dead violent and intolerant to my Affectionate Leg Pulling, and I am going to alert the Police.
, but
> at least my recipes are good for BLOKES to make, and don't involved > treading lentils in a rusty bath for about 4 weeks, which only a WOMAN > would do...
Oooohhhhhh!!!! paulys upset!! oohhh!!! Have you no scent of tuna? I didnt mean it man! It's just...
my best mate was hit by a bit of garlic toast during a raid when i was stationed in the falklands. It took his head clean off! I had to write to his wife to tell her!! I've never been able to look garlic toast in the eye again!
so NOW YOU KNOW.
besides which my bath is not rusty at all. I ALWAYS recommend mixing some broken glass in with the lentils because it helps to scour the enamel.
>
> Hmmm, I remember the chair collapsing last night (not under my weight, > it was broken anyway), I don't understand what's going on...
>
That is because you are MAAADDDD!!! LOOOONNNEEYYY LOONEEY!!!
>
>
Date: Fri Jul 18 17:06:48 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: HOT NEW MELONS PAGES !!!!
>Fancy naming your band after your sexual fantasy, eh?
>
>Well, da weekend is nearly here: a time to drive home, laughing and pointing
>at pensioners all the way, strip naked and flee the house with a caricature of
>Carol Vorderman taped to your forehead bellowing
>"SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY RADISHES!!!!" at the top of your voice. Then
>of course it's round your Nan's for some of her quite marvellous home
>baked flan. A quick kiss goodbye and then onto the pub, where all heads turn
>as you wander in as nature intended and order a pint of bile and a
>packet of Roast Elderberry and Chive flavour crisps WITHOUT EVEN FLINCHING!
Yeass! I hope someones saving all of this!
Deep respect to Gary! Thsi sounds like the best friday night ever!. Gary, I shall visit you if I may and I will bring my collection of ROAD PIZZAS for dinner.
nurgleblurglesneuerghhhh! vt! vt! vt!
R!
>
>Cor! I love Fridays, me.
>
>Haver a good one everyone!
>
>Gary
>
Date: Mon Jul 28 10:54:21 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re: several items of GROTBAG, FROM THE PINK WINDMILL SHOW
OH SHIT! Even fish dispensers fitness level is dropping.
Fish Dispenser will clearly be feeling better now, as he's tasted
BLOOD! And so has Evil Dick! They both killed 2 other beasties over
the weekend...
I wish they'd let you know who they kill, then I could send a GLOATING
EMAIL HAHAHAHAH, no I mean send a card and some flowers, and maybe get
an invite to the small gathering, with sherry and sandhwhiches. Ooh,
luffly...
Got a postcard from Ali today, if any of you cockneys know her, she's
having a top time in Spain.
OOOOHOOHOHOHHHOH I FEEEEEEL GOOOOODDDDDDD.... like Edward Woodward....
I tried out the "Do you know who Joey Deacon is" at the wedding at the
weekend, and it's amazing, no-one knew him! My sister (born in 76)
said her boss (born in 70) had expressed the same amazement one time,
and my brotherinlaw (born in 74) said "Is this the same as going
(tongue behind lip) SPAKATAK?"...
Mark, it's quite clear what you stage name should be... there is only
one name you can choose, all the mid-20s possee will get it, and
no-one else will, you'll be a cult. A right fucking cult, hoo hhoo arf
arf...
Ewar Woowar, HAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!
Date: Mon Jul 28 10:54:21 1997
From: Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk
Subject: Re: They LIVE!!! Hosannah!
Joy of joys and the love of jerusalem in the mountains.
I went to a wedding at the weekend, and nearly shed a tear at how
lovely some of it was, especially the toast to absent friends (and not
just because it was like in the Rocky Horror Picture Show), how could
they have known about Li'l Pauly and Evil Dick and all the rest? I
think I can take credit for the resurrection of our beasties, as I was
in A CHURCH for the wedding... there was even a hymn that I like, I
didn't even know it was a hymn, it's called Jerusalem, and I'm really
hoping it's a like a trad english song or something, that some cunt
put jesus loving words too later... is this like my astoundment that
putting toast under the grill makes bread? Just where does the bread
go? Weird...
Got utterly wankered at the reception on a mix of lager, bitter, bucks
fizz, champagne, wine (red and white) and bacardi... and next day NO
HANGOVER! And no comments from my old man about use of the words
"fucking" and "cunt" in close succession...
A smashing chinese meal followed last night, at the (apparently)
infamous Lee Ho Fook in chinatown, gorgeous set meal V for 2, but the
service was FUCKING TERRIBLE... and they sent us fish cakes with one
course instead of vege dumplings...
Date: Mon Jul 28 11:14:17 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: several items of GROTBAG, FROM THE PINK WINDMILL SHOW
On Mon, 28 Jul 1997 Paul_Clarke@ipc.co.uk wrote:
>OH SHIT! Even fish dispensers fitness level is dropping.
>
> Fish Dispenser will clearly be feeling better now, as he's tasted > BLOOD! And so has Evil Dick! They both killed 2 other beasties over > the weekend...
>
Noingy Noingy's progress is a bit slow, and seems to be poorly for some reason.
Clair short has eaten loads and is 32% fit which aint so bad
BUT! yes! fish dispenser is the star! 46% fit, and two merciless killings to his name!
Evil Dick is doing preetty well, much better than noingy noingy tho they are much the same in appearance - it must be the wee spiky wheels that are helping
waveguide fairly average - about 26% fit, tho looks like slowly getting better rather than going downhill which is good.
Not myuch else to tell really, ades creature has eaten an incredible 46 kg of food!
Bob has been around 54 km which i _think_ is the furthest travelled out of the lunch web creatures
Date: Mon Jul 28 14:40:22 1997
From: "Larkin, Mj" <mj.larkin@ntu.ac.uk>
Subject: Holiday food.
>
>Well. Well! Well?
>
>Tell us what you ate for lunch on your holiday.
>
Ok, here goes, but not necessarily in the right order, and not all
strictly speaking 'lunches', I'm afraid. What I ate on my holidays ...
A king prawn dansak - absolutely the best take away curry I've ever had (from the Double Diner in Necastle).
A huge and milky-sweet nan bread and some pilau rice to go with it (ditto).
Fish and chips (by the seaside at Robin Hood's bay).
A rum and raisin ice cream (ditto).
One lovely pint of Theakston's Black Bull (ditto).
Three lovely pints of Burton Bridge Porter (in the Tap and Spile in Guisborough).
Countless lovely pints of Guiness (all over the North East).
Three terrible pints of Sampson's (in the pissing rain at the sheepdog trials of the Cleveland Show).
Two greasy doughnuts (ditto).
Roast pork, apple sauce, sage and onion stuffing, new potatoes, cabbage and hazelnuts, and a yorkshire pudding (in a tent at the Cleveland Show).
A slice of apple pie with cream (ditto).
The worst fudge I've ever had (at the Cleveland Show - its still there, cause I threw it away).
Half of my good friend Alan's banana and chocolate nougat bar (at the Show again - cause I couldn't eat my revolting fudge).
A lovely shish kebab with garlic sauce and a garlic bread with cheese (from Pizza Express-but-not-the-chain, in Guisborough).
A marinara pizza - bloody delicious (from Benvenuto's pizza's, in Guisborough).
An omelette (made for me by good friend Doug).
A bacon sandwich (made for me by good friend Caroline).
Chicken breasts and mushrooms with new potatoes and a wine-y sauce (made for me by my good mum, Mum).
Haddock, potatoes, sugarsnap peas, salad and bread (made by me at my mum's).
Hot blackcurrants with lemon ice cream (ditto).
The worst, and greasiest pizza, with the worst and driest garlic bread, I've ever eaten (from a pizza shop in Stokesley).
A lovely prawn and mayo sandwhich in a white bun (from the Baker's Oven in Middlesbrough).
The worst BLT I've ever seen - drenched with BUTTER - ugh - it was unbevlievably bad - I couldn't eat it (from a pub in Sheffield).
No popcorn (at the cinema).
Several bags of crisps (salt and vinegar, bacon, and canadian ham - some of them Seabrooks - yes!).
Some lovely doughnuts and cakes from Safeway.
A double chocolate Swiss Roll from M&S (bought by my mum).
An apple.
A banana.
Quite a lot of tea, coffee, toast and conflakes.
Toad-in-the-hole with new potatoes and sugarsnap peas (made last night for our tea - I had to make the Yorkshire Pudding, cause Natalie's flopped - you need man's touch to make it stay up, you see ...)
Shortbread (made by Nat).
>
>
>
Date: Mon Jul 28 14:59:32 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Pets Corner
> Do I actually look after them, like go and feed them or read them a bedtime story or something or do they evolve purely independently? > I couldn't actually seem to find info about that on the site.
No, what you do is go and have a look at where they are and how they're getting on about once an hour when you ought to be Getting On With Work, get frustrated that that's all you can do, then PANIC when the systems down and one of them was looking a bit peaky earlier on.
Neither of my lads has killed or shagged anything at all yet. Can they really be my children?
"Bob" was created by mjh18@le.ac.uk , 29.20 days ago.
It is currently a CHILD and is 27.56 percent fit.
Its current activity is PISSING ABOUT and its current action is BORED.
It has 0 children.
It has killed 0 creatures and had cyber-sex 0 times.
It has written 25,020 songs about this fact
It has eaten 1352.52 kgs of dime bars , and has expended 7.47 kilocalories
of energy, and has moved a total of 20.01 meters, to have a fag
Date: Mon Jul 28 15:04:09 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Items of Various Interest
> > TO NOTICE that the Work EP's in Rockaboom, and did not get excited AT ALL and
> > certainly didn't grin madly around town OR ANYTHING. I bumped into Dave, and
> > neither of us discussed the fact that braincakes isn't in, because we certainly
> > had NOT been and looked AT ALL.
>
> so is this work of genius available in LeftLegged Pineapple, then eh????
> coz i'm not going to leicester to buy it, y'hear....
>
Yes! It is in fact available in all good record shops that aren't owned by THE MAN. I think it might also be under "s" cos John Sims is the first track, but obviously i wouldn't know for sure, cos i haven't been looking for it in record shops.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOING!
Date: Mon Jul 28 15:09:11 1997
From: Jo McGowan <onlntmp1@uk.uu.net>
Subject: RE: Oh! Dr Beeching.
>Oi! bit of a change from the usual eh!?!?
>The way you and Nigel were yammering on at each other last week we all >expected you two to be at it like rabbits this weekend. Yet you de-flea >the cat and Nigey Nige goes to a wedding.=20
>I reccomend that the pair of you get it over and done with in that =
field
>over the other side of the A14 Pronto!
Now you see, you weren't paying attention, because of the extraordinary = length of Nigel's knob, we could infact be in two different counties and = still be having sex. I could be attending a garden fete in Bristol while = Nigel sits at home, watching the telly and rogering me from behind.
Date: Mon Jul 28 15:09:12 1997
From: "M.J. Hibbett" <mjh18@leicester.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Oh! Dr Beeching.
People are always asking me "Oh Lulu, how can i look like you?" and of course i whip out the old Littlewood's catalogue, open it up "accidentally" at the PANTS section, then zip swiftly forward to Casual Wear. So it was no surprise when Nic asked:
> So Mark did the V PLAN diet work for you? I reckon I'll give up eating > proper lunch and have a refreshing glass of VODKA. Of course this means > I won't drink any beer in the evenings because I'll already be pissed > and I'll probably walk home instead of getting the tube as well thus > giving me exercise. It cannot and will not fail. >
Yes young man, the V PLAN is the modern diet for the modern man about town. It gives you the drudgery and deprivation that is the hallmark of any decent diet, while also allowing you to get heinously pissed all the time and looking HARD, unless of course you let things slip and start on the alcopops... but yes, it does work, but you must remember that when it is over, prolonged exposure to BEER may undo all the good work.
Luckily i am naturally thin and elfin, but less lucky people may find the above disturbing.
Cheers,
Mark
Date: Mon Jul 28 15:19:27 1997
From: Neil <N.Brown@lboro.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Oh! Dr Beeching.
>
>> So Mark did the V PLAN diet work for you? I reckon I'll give up eating
>> proper lunch and have a refreshing glass of VODKA. Of course this means
>> I won't drink any beer in the evenings because I'll already be pissed
>> and I'll probably walk home instead of getting the tube as well thus
>> giving me exercise. It cannot and will not fail.
>>
>
>Yes young man, the V PLAN is the modern diet for the modern man about town. It
>gives you the drudgery and deprivation that is the hallmark of any decent diet,
>while also allowing you to get heinously pissed all the time and looking HARD,
>unless of course you let things slip and start on the alcopops... but yes, it
>does work, but you must remember that when it is over, prolonged exposure to
>BEER may undo all the good work.
>
>Luckily i am naturally thin and elfin, but less lucky people may find the above
>disturbing.
>
>Cheers,
>
>Mark
>
>
Well, Diets are all very well, but not all of us are suitable. I mean, when you're on a diet you cannot eat Huge Quantities Of Nice Food and that has to be right out for me. So, I took up excercise instead..
I reccomend excercise as an alternative. Get a bike, and a pair of walking shoes. Cycle to the edge of a bloody big hill, and walk up it.
Cycle to work, to the pub, and just out into the countryside. It is great. I look for gated roads, cause then you have 10 miles of cycling with no Gits In Cars to piss you off, and only a couple of gates to open/close. After a while you will be a Cool Cyclist like me, and I will let you live.
Do this a couple of times a week and you can go on the Deep Fried Diet with no extra weight gain.
Plus! You get to feel all relaxed and floppy on mondays because all of your limbs have stopped working.
Marks Vodka Diet really did work - -specially as it was in the winter when otherwise you find urself drinking pints of heavy winter brews. Since then we have had to peg him down in high winds.