Get your own Free Home PageOh, and the use of "he" can get kind of confusing. If I think the person might happen upon this site, they don't get their name posted. So it might be confusing to you, but this is for me anyway, so there. Nyah! ;)
April 2002
It's been over a yr. I've been writing poetry and occassionally painting as my therapy.
The thing with David went away. Which is fine.
The thing with Scott, well, was interesting. I loved him. A lot. I have to be honest. But, he lied. And about it about killed me. But, I survived it all, and eventually even was able to forgive him. I still love him. I always will. He will always be part of my life. But things will never be the same... And (I hope) I will never fall for him again.
Still single. And I'm ok with that. Life is ok. For the most part. ;)
2-16-01
Ok, so time has passed. David and I have gotten to know each other better. He's still shy-boy, and I finally have gotten to the point where I feel like I've gotten to know him a bit better, and I'm not thinkin' a relationship beyond friend would work, but we are slowly becoming friends n' stuff.
So over the course of 2 days (V-Day and the day before), he's sent me a link to a really nice site that could be taken several ways. I mean, he did know that I'd been super-bummed lately and might have just been tryin' to cheer me up.
Then he sent me an ecard that was a "test your sexiness factor" which was hillarious. (I got "Girl next door." Big shock...) That was the day before too.
Then V-Day, he sent me another ecard that was a reciepe for m&m cookies w/chocolate. I IM'd him and thanked him for the card, well, here's how it went:
Me: Thanks for the cards. That second one, well, you can tell you don't know me too well yet, cuz I'm not a very good cook...
David: I don't know,if this was appropate but I bought you something and the card was a hint.
Me: this latest one was the hint? Did you buy me cookies? M&Ms?
David: sorry, I should not of said anything. You will find out.
Then he just said, "I better be quit, before I give the answer away. Because want to see your face when I give it to you."
So then I'm stressing out. Does he like me, or just like me, trying to make me feel better?
So that has of course led me to more thinking...
Never a good thing
I'm wondering if maybe I'm afraid of relationships.
Let's look at why I think that:
Boys I like/have recently liked: Boy living 3 hrs from me, Boy I went to college w/and see occassionally, Boys I work with (everyone knows it would be bad to date boys you work w/), and Boys who end up being married and/or engaged.
Now it looks like David might like me, and I'm absolutely petrified...
This is not good...
Or maybe I'm just freaked out because I feel so much for Scott. Drat. I've temporarily managed to "get over" him a couple times, but it keeps coming back... And honestly, I sometimes wonder/suspect if Scott isn't "the one" God has planned for me.
I guess what the real problem is: I'm caught up in "what if"s and thinking too much.
And I don't even know what this gift is or what he feels yet. Man, I MUST BE high maintaince if I'm thinking this much already!!
8-20-00
Wait. I'm hungry. Need food.
Ok, the popcorn is nuking. I feel hopeful now. But my throat kinda hurts. Just the right side too. I think it's cuz my allergies are acting up and it's related to post-nasal-drip. Gross, but true. We all suffer from it at times, so don't get all wierd about it. Why isn't the popcorn done yet? I am so impatient when I'm hungry...
Ok, I have popcorn and tang now. Not what you might imagine together, but I'm almost out of soda and honestly, what would I drink at work tomorrow if I don't have a soda? Plus, what else am I gonna drink? Milk? Apple juice? Water? With popcorn?? I don't think so...
So anyway, a few wks ago, I finally saw David at church again!! I gave him his card and the newspaper thingy, but then had to leave. (I saw him after the service was over and he was going to the next service.) Of course, seeing him again made me crush again.
Last wk, we talked to each other a while after church (we both went to the last service) but the conversation didn't go very well. I think I was pushing or something. So that sucked. Oh! I was all dressed up cutie patootie though!! *G*
Then tonite, we talked again! I think he was waiting for me outside the doors! That was quite cool. It went much better this time. So that was even more cool. And he dresses up every wk for church!! I don't think I've seen him w/o a tie. And I told him tonite about my thing about needing to know how to tie a tie so I can tie my future husband's tie. I'm a dork, I know. Tonite he had a goatee that he hadn't had last wk.
But anyway, I have this friend who I've known over a yr and I already love him and could easily see myself falling in love with him. BUT he lives 3 hours away.
So I guess I'm just going to hang out, go with the flow, trust God to do what's best for me, and see what happens...
5-23-00
David wasn't at church tonite. Again. I give up.
So now, I'm sad. I had been giddy at the prospect, but now I'm depressed again. I thought that just MAYBE God was finally going to let me stop being alone in this world, but I guess I have to wait some more. Which sucks because I am not good w/the patience.
But I have no choice.
5-20-00
Well the wk before last, David talked to me! I was so giddy! He's only 22 and I'm 26 (as well as having a 6 yr old), but who knows... Stranger things have happened in life. He did nothing but encourage me, because he seems very nice and to be Godly, which is something potential guys must be. He told me he had just graduated from college, so I've bought him a grad card. I figure this way, if he's shy and doesn't feel like he can/should come up to me I've got an excuse to go up to him. Also, I am Miss Afraid of Rejection and this is a fairly not-putting-myself-on-the-line kinda thing I can do to let him know I'm all up for getting to know him better. I put my email addy in the card, so hopefully he'll email me and we can start more of a dialogue.
Oh, and if that happens, I'll prob end up giving him this website addy, so I'll prob have to delete a couple of these entries so he doesn't get scared... :)
Oh yeah... I got it bad...
4-28-00
I can't believe it's been 5 months since I last wrote in here!
Well, let's skip all the trama that's occured in the past 5 months, but I will say that the guy who was confusing me is still doing that, but to a lesser extent, so that's in the positive direction.
Right now, I have spring fever SO BAD! I am lonely! I'm praying for God to send me the man He has picked out for me soon. I'm missing that piece in my life. But I've got my eye on a couple of guys at church.
David is just adorable. There is no better word for him. I got up my nerve and introduced myself to him about a month ago, but for one reason or another, haven't had a chance to talk to him since. Though that might work better anyway because it doesn't make it look like I'm drooling over him, even though I am. After all, he seems like a very shy boy. Laid back. A man who might appreciate being able to sit back and listen to the Benny and Joon soundtrack that I'm listening to now. His face just beams when he smiles. *le sigh* Yeah, I got it bad.
Michael I got introduced to 2 wks ago, but 1 wk ago was Easter service and we have a huuuuuuuge service for Easter, so there was not much chance of seeing him that day. (Though David was in the choir *G*) I just feel drawn to him for some reason. It's kinda odd.
So, that's where I'm at right now. Praying God will send my Mr Right soon and getting ready to buy Poison concert tickets. You're up to date now. Feel better? *G*
(Found the Jan 31 and Feb 1 entries on another site I was working on and added them 5-2-00)
Feb 1, 2000
Well, I've had to send my son to his room twice and spank him twice tonite. This is not a fun day yet. He gets in trouble at school for being, basically, a butthead. Then he acts the same way w/me, but acts like he's lil' Mr. Innocent! *ARRRRRG!!!!*
I quote Sheryl Crowe, "No said it would be easy. But no one said it'd be this hard."
Jan 31, 2000
I am sooo tired lately! Ick. My stupid computer is blinking at me... That can't be a good sign. Why do puters always decide to freak out when you're doing something that will get ruined or you'll never find again if you reboot? *grrrrrr*
Anyway, like I was saying before my computer started blinking at me... I am so tired! I'm falling beind already in my read-the-bible-in-a-year course and I'm just plain exausted. I'm goin' to work tomorrow w/dirty hair, cuz I just need to sleep tonite. Washing (which by neccesity includes drying) the hair adds at least a half-hour to the getting-my-sorriness-ready-for-bed schpiel.
And in case you ever need to know, strawberry-cran juice isn't too horrible. I hate cranberry juice, but I think I'm getting a urinary tract infection, so I am forced to partake of the vile stuff. Which sucks, because I'm not even doing anything to make me get these! (Lesson: Women, after you have sex, go pee. It'll decrease your likely hood of getting urinary tract infections.)
Anyway, I am so freaking tired and I'm lonely and very sad as of late. And I am really hating being a mother lately. Don't get me wrong... I don't hate my son. I love him. But I hate being his mother right now. Why? Because he's in the middle of a VERY intense butt-head stage and it's wearing on my last nerve. But I guess that's just part of the joy of parenthood, eh? Yet another reason why I hope God delivers Mr Right to me soon.
11-12-99
The nite before last nite, he and I were talking. He was troubled so I was being the good friend. Basically because I AM a good friend. (Yet another way in which I rock) And he's all messed up cuz of this girl he suddenly has feelings for. So he talks about that and it's fine. Well, you know, *I'm* fine. I'm dealing and all's good with the world, or close enough anyway.
Now on to last nite... Thurs nite is bible study nite. He had said he prob wouldn't be there, so it ended up just being me and the married couple who "hosts" it. But then he *did* end up showing up. It was all fine. My emotions weren't going all wiggy or anything! Woo-woo for me!
Now the surreal part: It was like 2 married couples hangin' out. Very wierd. And yet, my emotions STILL aren't getting all wiggy!!! YAY for me!!!!!
11-5-99
My ex called last nite. I miss him. WHY IS MY COMPUTER BEEPING AT ME?!?!! *GRRRRRRRRR* ::ahem:: Sorry, I'm back now.
Anyway, he climbed a mountain while out in Arizona (or whatever state out there he's in). He sounded good. Happy. I'm glad. I miss him too. I don't have anyone to watch tv shows with anymore. OR fix my 'puter when it starts beeping at me for no reason... *grin*
10-25-99
Ya know what? Anyone who doesn't treat me like they know I rock needs to shape up or ship out! Period.
Oh, yeah... I feel the strength of the Real Vik returning!!
10-24-99
Ya know what I feel like right now? I feel like just curling up on the floor into a little tiny ball and pretending the rest of the world isn't there. Ok. That's a lie. What I really feel like doing is curling up in a tiny little ball and lying on his lap as he strokes my hair. But that's not going to happen. I don't even know if he's want it to happen anymore. For such a straight-forward person, he sure is confusing the hell out of me lately. One moment, he flirts wildly and reminds me (on purpose of course) about when we were together and makes me all wistful and wishin' his damn divorce was final. The next minute, he's tellin' me about the online personals he's put out there! AHHH! Why can't people just make up their damn minds?! He knows if he wants me, he just has to wait a bit, but he's not waiting, so what's the deal?
I wish I could just get over him. But when I got over him, I ended up falling all over again later... And I'm tired of being strong! I want to be weak!
And I'm not even motivated enough to write any poetry. *sigh* What's the point of depression if you can't even write a freakin' poem?!
And my ex is now out in Arizona. Who knows what destiny had in mind when we got introduced?
*le sigh* Confused? Gee, no. Not me. Uh-uh. Not my way...
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