"I'm not going back," I blurted out, my first real and complete sentence since I'd seen him that day. I couldn't believe I'd just told him that, but I didn't care, I really wasn't going back, I had made up my mind when looking out at the sea this morning.
He looked surprised, but didn't say anything. He just pointed to two chairs by a square table, and I sat down on one of them. He got up from that damp floor and sat on the other chair, his hands on the table.
"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked.
I just looked at him, then shook my head... but unable to stand it any longer, I said, "I can't go back, I don't know where I'll go, or what I'll do, but I just can't go back to that awful prison of a house..."
He sighed. "I know I shouldn't be doing this, but you should probably just go back. It can't be that bad-"
"How could you say that? How could you possibly know what I'm going through? I am going to marry some man I've known for only five minutes, and in those few minutes I was ready to die. I will never experience true love, I will never know what it is like to be held by someone who told you they loved you..." I felt my voice faltering at the end, for I could feel his eyes on me.
He smiled bitterly. "Well, you're not alone. I am never going to be able to, either, as a priest, I have quite some strong obligations-"
"But you're not a priest yet!" I interrupted, feeling the stinging tears in my eyes. "You have something called choice, you can choose not to be one, Brian, and then you have all that you'll never get as a priest... whereas I do not have that at all, I am forced against my own will..."
"But maybe I feel forced, too," he argued. "Maybe I'm not even sure what it is I want with my life, but I do know that it is not worth wasting away... maybe I feel that it is my duty to God to do this-"
"But why?" I couldn't help but ask.
"BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE!" he yelled, banging his hand against the table. "Because I want to live..." he said again, this time his voice breaking, and I could see the beginning of tears in his soft eyes.
I didn't say anything, for I didn't understand what he meant. He was shaking softly, and I could tell he was crying softly. His sensitivity touched my heart, and my hand reached out for his, only inches from mine. He didn't move, nor push it away, but let me hold it.
I squeezed it reassuringly, giving him time to control himself. He looked up at me, his eyes red. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to yell..."
"What did you- mean?" I asked slowly...
He sighed. "Remember yesterday, when I told you I owed it to God since I was five because of a disease I had?"
I nodded. "Well, it wasn't just any disease, Tamy, my heart was dying... it had basically stopped beating for a few seconds... nobody knew what to do, so my mother just prayed for me. A few days later, I came around, and I choose to call it a miracle, I guess..."
I stared at him. "But-but you're better now, no?"
He shook his head slightly. "I don't know, I really don't know... every night I get these coughing fits, but those could just mean anything... but really, I guess that's why I feel that giving myself up and totally dedicating my life to God would help me live..."
I didn't know what to say, I continued staring at him. Millions of thoughts were racing through my head, and I couldn't say anything.
He looked at the fire, and said in a tired voice, "Your dress looks dry. You should get home, they're going to start worrying..."
I took a deep breath, then nodded, knowing he had won. I was going back 'home', and I didn't even know why.
He stood up and got my dress, then handed it to me, and I could feel his eyes on mine. I looked up at him then, noticing how his eyes had a certain sparkle to them. It was if I could see everything he was thinking, just through those blue eyes. I didn't know if I was dreaming at that moment, but he kissed me, and so sweetly and tenderly that I felt such a tremedous burst of love in me for this person I had only know for a day. He pulled back slowly, his eyes this time bearing no expression, and I wished I could know what he was thinking. He took a deep breath, and I felt ready to scream, was he going to stop and run away again? Was he going to push me out of life just because he felt he ought to become a priest?
He must have read my thoughts, for his sweet angelic face smiled. "I have no idea what I'm getting myself into but it sure doesn't feel sinful to me..." he whispered, and I laughed as he kissed me again.
"Tamy!"
We drew back suddenly, and I looked at him, knowing he heard it too. It was coming from outside. "Tamy! Tamy, where are you? Please answer me!"
"It's Nick!" I said. "He must have gotten worried for I am so late!" I said, running out quickly.
"Wait!" he said, his hand on my shoulder. "Who's Nick?"
I smiled. "My secret lover- don't tell anyone, but we've been together for eight months."
He raised his eyebrows, and I couldn't help but laugh. "He's my brother..." I said, shaking my head.
"Oh..." he said smiling. He pulled me closer to him and whispered with one last kiss, "Meet me at our place tonight..."
"Oh so it's our place now?" I asked smiling back. I heard Nick calling again and said quickly, "I really have to go now, though... "
I ran out meeting my worried brother outside. We walked back together, and looking back, I could see Brian standing by his window, and it totally broke my heart...
© 1999 fanfic4all@yahoo.com
