(Backstage, September 17. The Boys are sitting around before their concert)
Howie: So tell me the truth, guys - facial hair, yes or no? I'm getting some mixed responses from the fans.
Nick: Facial hair? Good thing I don't have to worry about that. (Rubs his baby-smooth cheeks)
AJ: Howie, man, it's fine.
Howie: Are you sure, 'cause--
Brian: Sweet Jesus, help me! (Visibly struggles to restrain himself from strangling Howie)
Kevin: Alright, guys. We're kickin' off our new tour here in...in...DANG, where're we at again? (One of the hoochies, *cough* I mean female dancers, rushes over and whispers in his ear.) Oh yeah, Charlotte NC. Wait...I know this one, N-C stands for...North Carolina, right?
AJ: (Under his breath) Another fine product of the Kentucky public school system.
Kevin: (Grinning, unawares) Yeah...Anyway, like I was saying, we have to concentrate on our performance. This is big, guys...I have a solo.
Nick: Yeah, about that song you "wrote" Kev...it sounds kinda like R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," don't you think? (All the Boys, besides Kev, laugh and snicker)
Kevin: (Angry, but still speaking slowly, with furrowed eyebrows) Shut up, Nickay! It's better, and way different...my song doesn't have words, ok. And it has a saxophone.
Nick:(Hums "I Believe I Can Fly")
Kevin: At least it's better than that lame song you wrote for your "mini-me," AKA Aaron Carter..."Nick always told me just to follow my dreams.." jeez
Brian: Hey, cuz, I wrote that! Nick just played Nintendo and told me it sounded "good."
Nick: It did, B-Rok. Speaking of Nintendo, where's my Game Boy?
(Gradually the roar of thousands of girls screaming "Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys!" drowns out the conversation. The Boys are whisked out and strapped into their harnesses and prepare for their entrance. The concert begins...)
AJ: (Starts "Larger than Life") Yeeeah, hahahaha! Whoo!
(One of the many costume changes that occur during the show. Brian is in the corner with his woman making out as two costume coordinators dress him.)
Nick: Ok, let me get this straight. We *can* have a security guard tell a girl what hotel we're staying in, right?
Kevin: Um...I don't know if that's a good idea.
AJ: Kev, you're just mad 'cause all the sign for you say "Meet our hot Mom." Me and Nick, we're young guys, we need young girls.
Nick: So that's a yes?
Howie: (Looking into a mirror, practicing) "Howie" doin'? Any hott single ladies in the house? *wink* "Howie" doin'? *twitch* DARN THIS EYE TWITCH!
AJ: Howie, man...
Howie: (startled) What? *twitch* Argh!
AJ: *sigh* Never mind
(Back on stage, the Boys strut their stuff amid pyrotechnics and hoochie coochie backup dancers. Nick searches the crowd for that one lucky girl, while AJ thrusts his pelvis in the general direction of the object of his desire. Whole rows of pre-teen boppers faint at this display, leaving one lone fan, 5th row, 5th seat - the chosen one.)
AJ: You hit me faster than a shark attack...(the thud of girls hitting the floor thunders through the coliseum.)
Nick: (thinks)hmm...pelvic thrusts...interesting (he tries one out, but trips over a beanie babie thrown onstage and falls on his butt)
Brian: Silly Nickay
Howie: (thinks) hmm, pelvic thrusts...(He puts a bit too much "thrust" into his attempt and launches himself into the crowd.)Aiieee!
(Fans rush to get out of the path of the still gyrating Howie D, and he falls to the floor. Dazed and confused, he sits up)
Howie: Uh...What's up Orlando? *twitch twitch* "Howie" doin'? *thump* (He falls to the gound. A 300 lbs. security guard rushes toward "Sweet D.")
Security guard (Bubba): Back away...uh, come on Howard. (He gathers Howie into his arms and carries him under the stage for another costume change. The other boys follow.)
Nick: Brian, man, give it a rest.
Brian: What? Uh, oh yeah...save it for the stage and all that. (Turns to his woman) Um..meet you at on the bus.
(AJ and Howie are sitting in a corner. Howie has an ice pack on his head.)
AJ: Ok, D, the name of the game is CONTROL. You can't lose control.
Howie: Ok, got it. C-O-N-T-R-O-L.
Bubba: You're welcome Howard.
Howie: What? uh...C-O-N-T-R-O-L.
Bubba: For saving you. *wink*
Howie: *twitch*
Bubba: (smiles) That's what I thought. Later, Howard.
Howie: DARN EYE TWITCH!!!
(All the while, Kevin is observing the "pelvic thrust" lesson.)
Kevin: Hmm...pelvic thusts. Interesting...
(On stage once again, the Boys are getting their groove on. Kevin gets brave and decides to attempt the pelvic thrust. As fate would have it, in mid-thrust a stuffed animal tossed onstage hit Kevy-Kev in the "crucial" area. The force of his thrust launched the animal back into the audience at an astonishing speed. One especially attractive fan was struck and knocked unconcious by the projectile. Bubba rushes to her rescue.)
AJ: I hear ya Kev! Work that pelvis!
Brian: Hmm..pelvic thrusts, interesting.
Especially Attractive Fan (Lauren): (Sits up, dazed and confused) What's up Orlando? *twitch twitch* "Howie" doin'? *thud*
Kevin: Dang! I guess they call me "Train" for a reason! (He stands on stage admiring his handiwork as Bubba carries Lauren under the stage.)
(The Boys once again retreat "down stage.")
Brian: Ok guys, I think this pelvic thrust thing has gone too far. May the Good Lord help us if you guys try it again.
AJ: Hey--
Brian: With the obvious esception of you Bone, jeez. Sweet Mother Mary, who's that fine girl over there? (points to Lauren and Bubba)
Kevin: Hand off, Brian. You won't "B-Rok"-in' that one...haha, get it? "B-Rok"-in'?
Nick: (To AJ) That's as bad as D's "Howie" doin'? (They laugh)
Brian: um..ok.
Kevin: Yeah..I knocked her out. She may be a little young, but DANG! I'm from Kentucky--I can handle it. I worked at Disneyland. I know what's hip with the kids. (To Lauren) Hey sweet lady, "Howie" doin'?
(AJ and Nick roll on the ground laughing. Kevin gives them "the look." They stop, but Nick's eyes are still teary.)
AJ: *sigh* Oh jeez...Hey that reminds me...Bubba--5th row, 5th seat--fine girl, bring her here.
Bubba: *grunt* Yes, master. Be right back Howard.
Howie: DARN EYE TWITCH!!
(Bubba leaves)
Nick: Oh yeah! Me too, Bubba! Get my girl! Big boobs, curly hair--hey! Did you get that?
(Bubba lumbers off.)
Lauren: Hey...where am I? All I remember is a flying stuffed animal...*thud*
Kevin: Hey, "Howie" doin', girl? Hey? Are you awake? Are you listening? I said "Howie" doin'!
Howie: Hey--that's my line!
AJ: Let it go, D, let it go.
(Later that evening, at the hotel.)
Kevin: Ok guys, good show. I'm proud of you. We looked really professional out there--
Howie: Hey, thanks--
Kevin: With some obvioius exceptions. (All the Boys laugh at Howie.)
AJ: (Licking his lips) So, ah, can we goto our rooms now? I'm, uh, kinda tired...(grins) if you know what I mean.
(Kevin nods, and the Boys retreat to their rooms.)
Howie: Hey AJ? Can I sleep in your room tonight? I think I need to work on my pelvic thrusts and control. (Kevin, Brian, and Nick snicker.) (Howie laughs) Cut it out, guys!
AJ: No, D. That's kind of a private thing, bud. Practice and show me in the morning.
Howie: (Nods understandingly) Oh I see. Later guys. (He walks down the hall practicing his thrusts, throwing himself into the wall each time, muttering "C-O-N-T-R-O-L, darn it, C-O-N-T-R-O-L!")
(AJ enters his room to find a modestly dressed girl of 17 sitting on the bed watching the local news. "Good ol' Bubba" AJ thinks to himself as he aproaches the girl.)
AJ: Hey..."Howie" doin', girl?
Girl (Sarah): Huh?
AJ: (Laughs nervously) Never mind. So you're name is...?
Sarah: Sar--
AJ: (A wild look comes over his face) Enough small talk. (He throws her under the covers and starts his wild gurations)
Sarah: (She giggles) hmm...pelvic thrusts. Interesting
(Meanwhile, in the hallway...Nick and Brian walk together down the hall. Nick starts to open his door.)
Nick: See ya tomorrow, B-Rok--(Suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs Nick's collar. A look of bewilderment crosses his face as he is pulled into his room. Brian laughs and shakes his head knowingly)
Brian: Good ol' Bubba.
(In Howie's room. The room is dark and silent, except for the occasional *thud* as Howie thrusts himself into the wall yet again, repeating to himself, "CONTROL, CONTROL!!")
(Kev, in the next room, mutters...)
Kevin: Dang, Howie's an animal!
Lauren: Hey--"Howie" doin' on that ice pack, Kevy-Kev?
Kevin: Oh yeah...coming.