A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
My boyfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more boyfriends.
A wife said to her husband, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ...
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
A rather bashful man stopped in at the corner bar one evening after work. He orders his drink and sits down when suddenly he sees a very beautiful young woman sitting at the other end of the bar all alone reading a book. Being a shy man, he sat for some time contemplating how to approach the woman and strike up a conversation. After downing a double scotch, he gets up the nerve and walks over to her and says "excuse me miss, I couldn't help but notice that you were alone, and I was wondering if I may buy you a drink." The woman looks up from her book and screams very loudly at him "What! You want to take me to a hotel room? Get away from me you slob! The man saw every one in the bar staring at him, and reassures her that all he wanted to do was buy her a drink. She again starts to scream at him calling him a pervert, so he walks back to his seat and orders another drink. A little while later she walks up to the man and apologizes for her actions explaining that she was a college student doing a thesis on how people react to adverse situations, and that she had used him for her study. The man turns to her and screams "a hundred bucks! Your nuts!!"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said "I like both." "Both?" The artist and architect asked. "Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and listening to the radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggledwith a manual mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating andred-faced. The man's nextdoor neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouts across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung." "I am." the man shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Well, it seems that this guy was walking along a California beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him! "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The man paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from California to Hawaii! I wish for a road to be built from San Francisco to Hawaii." The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement! That's too much to ask." "OK," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychiatrist. "Make me understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!" The genie paused, and then sighed. "Did you want two lanes or four?"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER. Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
Two Lines Past the Pearly Gates in Heaven, there are two lines for deceased husbands. One line is marked "Henpecked Husbands", the other, "Wore The Pants". One this particular day, there was a huge queue in front of the "Henpecked Husbands" line, but only a lone soul in the, "Wore The Pants" line. One of the henpecked asks the odd man out how he came to be in that line. "My wife told me to stand here," he replied.
My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she scribbles in her diary.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
A man sat at a bar, drinking slow. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone. "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ? My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend."My wife found out..."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished