I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in Germany who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today."
I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway.
He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and.........oohh, that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.
Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes.
I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . .

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place.
The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .

I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.
Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day.
He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.
I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume.
The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water-two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Ballerinas are always on their toes.
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My roommate got a pet elephant.
Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.
He said it was elevator practice.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.
I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards.
I erased all of the records.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around.
I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I had a friend who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...