Some people say that dreams take you to another world. Some say that they bring the subconscious to the fore, churning out all the psychic dust that weighs down your inner soul. Some say their dreams tell the future. My dreams are usually hugely entertaining diversions that leave me rested and intrigued - usually piecing together the elements of weirdness from television that I watched the night before. Sometimes, though, my dreams are so utterly bizarre - so rooted in Lynchian dimensions of dancing midgets and sullen giants that... well, you have to ask...
THE TWO KINGS
It was totally black, but there was a blinding light in my face. I grew accustomed to my surroundings and was suddenly aware that I was 500 feet in the air, sitting swing-like on a trapeze. I was aware of - but couldn't see - two people, on either side. We were being quizzed on Mastermind. I got a question wrong. They cut the rope. I fell for what seemed like forever, but landed softly on a bouncy castle. I got off the bouncy castle and walked along - I can't remember anything about my surroundings or how I knew where I was going. I met two kings - two very, very old men with long, long beards. They were arguing. They had been rowing for 100 years, and wanted to have a war, but the only sword they had was stuck up the rear end of a two-headed llama and - unsurprisingly - nobody wanted to get the sword. I convinced them to sign a peace treaty and then wandered away.
THE MONKS
I dreamed that I was in the house I grew up in - a house at the top of a very steep, high hill. In my dream, somehow the whole street was flooded. I looked outside and there were huge flowers everywhere. So, I got into a canoe and rowed into town. I went into a building in one of Brighton's tiny lanes - I think it was a disused warehouse. There were two floors - at one floor were friends of mine from the local church but I wasn't going into their room. Instead I climbed a staircase and a man asked me for a password, which I gave. In the room I entered, Bhuddist monks were sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching cartoons projected onto a screen. Evan Dando was there, and in my dream I liked him.
I was so fascinated by this dream, I had it analysed by a write-in dreams expert on teletext. He told me I was normal.
TEETH
The first time I dreamed about teeth, it was a nightmare. I was returning from a festival and there was an earthquake in which I was badly injured and lost all my teeth. I dreamed of teeth again, and that convinced me to see my dentist. I had gum disease, and the resulting treatment cleared up not only the infection, but my strange dreams as well. Six months later, I dreamt that I was in a hotel room. I woke up (in my dream) and had that wiggling feeling you get when your milk teeth come loose. First one, then another - teeth didn't just drop out one at a time - I was pulling them out in clusters. They were pale grey, translucent and covered in speckles - all classic symptoms of flouride poisoning. I collected my teeth in a handkerchief and called out to the woman in the other room of our suite. I knew her in my dream, but I don't know her in waking life. This woman was French, and didn't speak any English. The dream progressed, "Clockwise"-style, with everything getting farcically worse and worse. All I wanted to do was get to the hospital, and call work and let them know that I'd be late. It eventually ended up with me arriving at work - only it wasn't work - it was a wedding and all my colleagues were in bridesmaid dresses. I was feeling terribly guilty and my boss looked at me saying "Oh, Joanna, we're so disappointed with you," and I replied that I was really dreadfully sorry, but you see, all my teeth fell out....
I went to the dentist again, and had two fillings.
SNAKES
I've dreamt of snakes twice. Once,
I dreamt that I was again in the house where I grew up, and for some reason
I was dreaming adverts that don't exist. Then, in my old bedroom,
there was a snake. I called into the other room where all the people
I shared a house with in London were there. "Robin," I shrieked,
"There's a snake in my room."
"So what?" was his terse reply.
"But it's eating my socks!"
I attribute that to too much Terry Pratchett.
The second dream involved a huge office building, and for some reason I was hunting a snake on the fourth floor. I was kitted out in protective clothing, and went on to the floor determined to kill the snake. As I opened the door, sure enough, the snake came for me and latched onto my ankle, trying to bite my heel. It couldn't penetrate the clothing and I was unharmed. So I trapped the snake by its head and it was injured. It said, "Help me!" and I was suddenly stricken with remorse and burst into tears. I spent the rest of the dream trying to help the snake and make it better.
Weirdness!
ALL IN THE EYES
This was recently, and I must confess to seeing "Twin Peaks" at around the same time. In my dream, I was in Lynch's Black Lodge - the world of dreams. People were sat around on couches and chairs, and there were vending machines and a large cabinet in the room. Somebody picked up the unconscious body of a child and stuck them side-on halfway up the wall. The child stuck there like an artwork. Some people applauded. Various characters from film and TV were there, and one girl who I've seen in movies but can't remember the name of told me that the person I was with was the captain of the football team, and wouldn't it be great if I wore their team T-shirt. I obliged and changed clothes. I began to notice that the people in the room had one cybernetic eye. "It's all in the eyes, you know," one said. Kyle McLachlan didn't have a cyber-eye. So they drilled a hole in the side of his head - he screamed with the pain - and implanted a small microchip. He appeared recovered after this strange operation.
I've booked an appointment with the optician...