We were told that it was illegal.
We were told that it was immoral.
We were told that it would damage our health.
We were even told that it would kill us.
They didn't tell us the real reason why people shouldn't take drugs.
Take the marijuana user, for example. Here is what society believes is the most innocuous illegal substance in the world. It relaxes you. It stimulates the senses - try listening to Radiohead and watching swirling lights whilst eating a chocolate biscuit when you're stoned and you'll understand. Trouble is, that people who are stoned cannot do even the most simple things. You're stoned, and you have the munchies. You take about half an hour to decide that you would like to eat a packet of crisps. But - oh no! - which flavour shall you have? Salt and vinegar.....? Or cheese and onion......? Salt and vinegar.....? Or cheese and onion.....? Salt and vinegar....? Or cheese and.... what was it now....? Sorry, what was the choice again....? Salt and.....?
And then there's the speed freak. The irritatingly bouncy person who burbles crap at you all night at the disco and is frantically relieving themselves of the contents of their stomachs two hours later. Don't even say the word breakfast to them. Unless of course you're me, and have a particularly agressive mean streak. Mmmmmm. I think I'll have the big steak. People on speed say that speed isn't addictive. They say that right until the moment that the bikers tell them that their beloved goth club is going to be raided tonight. You have to spend an entire evening surrounded by twitchy, bored, disturbed teenagers who eventually crack and scream at the top of their nicotine-addled lungs "WILL SOMEBODY GIVE ME DRUGS??????!!!!!????"
...Salt and vinegar.....? Or cheese and onion......?
Then you have people who take LSD. The acid fan has a punchabillity factor of about 3 million. It's the way that they smile at you. It's the way that they tell you at great length about their interesting conversation with Buddha. It's their penchant for tasteless gadgetry and novelty eyewear. It's the fact that they think that tie-dye is a good idea. I'll tell you what's a good idea. Going up to a triphead and saying "Oooh look at those big purple spiders crawling over you."
.... Salt and vinegar.......?
Actually there are a number of ways that you can irritate, annoy and possibly even cause permanent damage to a person on drugs. It's very easy to freak out someone who's stoned. You go up to them and slowly rotate your index finger in front of their eyes. Or, you can speak in the quietest voice you can muster, "Everybody's looking at you." And if they're whispering, "Stop shouting!"
Of course, all these things will probably kill them. So I wouldn't do it unless you are a certified homicidal maniac, or just particularly nasty.
....Or cheese and onion....?
Still, there is one question posed by a magazine I was reading that fascinates me ever more: You have heroin chic; you have stonerwear (leaf-motif T-shirts etc); you have cocaine-endorsing "Coca-Cola" emblem ripoffs. So why isn't there such a thing as crack-whore chic?
It's just a matter of time...