MACHO MEN

They tell us that the universe is composed of WIMPs and MACHOS.  That fails to surprise me.  A giant wrestling match between Brian Molko and Henry Rollins.  Of course, the WIMPs in question are Weakly Interacting Massive Particles and the MACHOS are.. the opposite, I suppose.  Massive Atomic thingumybobs.  It doesn't really matter much, because they aren't going to walk up to you during your coffee break and introduce themselves.  On the other hand, the constantly-changing world of cosmology can be a mine of Really Deep Thoughts when browsing through the Sunday papers.

Science is a fascinating subject.  It is the study of What Things Are and How They Work.  It used to be called "philosophie" which I believe is a far more accurate description.  They say there are lies, damn lies and statistics, and science is all about statistics.  It is a huge network of almost random theories backed up by statistics and sold as fact.  Despite what they tell you in school, I am solidly of the opinion that in order to become a scientist, all you have to do is have some idea of life, the universe and everything, then find the facts to prove it.  Let's face it, the only history-changing scientific fact that they have ever conclusively proved is that the world is round.  Even that is a matter for debate in some quarters.

Science started off pretty logically.  An apple falls off a tree, and gravity is discovered.  Then they got onto more complex stuff and it all went a bit downhill from there.  History can only be accurately traced about five thousand years.  Anything beyond that is purely a matter of opinion.  When it comes to the big questions of How Old Is The World? and Where Did We Come From?, anyone who pretends to have more than an Oxbridge-educated guess is lying through their pearly white teeth.  The one big problem I have always had with science is that it fails to acknowledge the fact that when it comes down to it, we don't know.  Nobody does.  There is not one individual alive that can conclusively prove that the universe is going to implode - any more than we can prove God exists or that there really IS a monster that eats all those odd socks that go missing.

Speculation, hearsay and some really long complicated equations.  I used to wind up my science teacher by refusing to believe in evolution.  I said, fair enough, it's an interesting idea, but it's got loads of holes in it, so I'll wait until more data is available.  Many people believe in Feng Shui with little statistical evidence to back it up.  Many people dismiss accounts of the paranormal, citing lack of proof as their reason.

Now scientists are coming to us with theory after theory, and asking us to make those same leaps of faith.  Some have mathematical evidence to support their often incomprehensible theories.  Some are so way out that they could never prove even the most basic aspects of it.  One such is the Super String theory - that the whole universe is constructed of tiny, tiny particles that are like infinitely small pieces of string.  These are way smaller than atoms and make  molecules look positively huge.  They make ions look very big indeed.  You get the idea.  Anyway, all of these are vibrating together like a giant musical chord.  I want you to think about that right now - the whole universe vibrating in a massive chord from its tiniest element to its largest mass.  Whoah!  Like, far out man.  What a fantastic idea!  But then, it is just as crazy as any other I've heard.

I used to toy with the idea that the universe was a lint ball on the sweater of a giant, and what if one day he decides to stand up?  That used to keep me going for ages, that one.  Similarly, a scientist last week proposed that the universe is not curved at all.  In fact it is almost flat.  Therefore, he argues, the universe is made up of loads of comparitively tiny (yet compared to us, huge) bubbles of time and space.  Each bubble has its own physical laws and each is expanding at different rates.  Naturally he cannot prove any of this, but he reckons it's the only way to make sense of the fact that the universe makes no sense at all.

Finally, another theory proposed recently suggests that the Gib Gnab isn't going to happen at all.  The Gib Gnab (the Big Bang in reverse) was supposed to happen at the End of It All, when the universe stops expanding and is pulled back together by the force of its own gravity.  This was concluded after reading light levels of distant supernovas - instead of the Gib Gnab, it's just going to go on and on expanding forever and ever, due to anti-particles in the galaxy.  Yes, the universe is composed of matter that travels in and out of existence, defying the laws of gravity and pushing the planets further and further apart.  Apparently.
 

Furthermore, I don't believe the universe exists at all.  Not in real terms, anyway.  Think about it.  Think about when you buy something.  It is either on credit cards or cheque, so no money actually changes hands.  Then, you check your account balance which is just numbers on a screen.  You might even pay in cash, but what is a five pound note?  "I promise to pay the bearer..."  No you don't!  You have no intention of handing over the equivalent in gold because you have probably never been to the Bank of England or Fort Knox and the only gold you have ever seen is on a ring somewhere.  But that doesn't matter, because nobody has ever paid you the sum of five pounds in gold before, either.  The whole universe runs on trust.  Look at the stock market.  If you stopped believing in a currency, entire economies would collapse on the spot and frequently have.  Think about house prices - why is one house worth £50,000 and another worth £5,000,000?  Why will that value change within a year?  Because it's all one giant game of bluff - who is more desperate, me or you?  You see?  None of it exists, none of it at all.  It's all one big game of poker and one day somebody will fold.  So, tonight you are going to pay for stuff with money that doesn't exist and watch soaps about people that don't exist and sit in your house that is only worth lots of non-existant money because someone else might be more desperate to own it than you are.

Therefore, if money doesn't exist, you won't mind lending me that five pound note, now, will you?
 

 

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