Online Journal January 2000

Online Journal

January 23, 2000 (Sunday)

Woke up late by a phone call. I baked two pineapple upside down cakes and come chocolate chip cookies. One of the cake is for my aunt who's got a birthday tomorrow. The cakes turned out very lovely! They look fabulous and it's simple to make! Then I changed the water in my fish tank and cleaned up a bit.

I've been online working on a few things. I'm getting close to redesigning this website. I have so many things to do this week and I think I'm stable enough to deal with it all. This past week have been very emotional and coping with things made me all that much more neurotic. I think I'm just gonna chill out and finish up all my loose ends. I didn't get much done this last week because of my emotional state but hopefully, this week will be a productive one. I guess we all go through times of doubt and lack of assurance for the future. Maybe this was just another speedbump...I can say for sure that it definately detoured me awhile.

Maybe it's my room. I'm not sure if I like this new move. Something feels off ....maybe it's just because I haven't finished and I have no desire to do it. I feel stuck. I feel unmotivated. I feel bored. I feel like moving on to other stuff.

January 22, 2000 (Saturday)

My emotions are running wild. I woke up this afternoon by my mother's voice calling my name. I popped up out of bed to look around....how odd, my mom is at work. I heard it, it was her voice. For the rest of the day, I just felt weird. My sad feelings have intensified and it put me in a depressed mood.

We went out to daytonas tonight because I wanted to go out and support Rebel Amish Radio on their big day. This whole night was weird! They sounded great and George said that they got the deal...they got a major record deal from garageband.com! I am so happy for them! They deserve it through all their struggles. In a way, I'm kinda saddened by the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I could not be more excited for them. I'm like their biggest fan...not because I'm kissing ass but because I really like their music. They are very nice and george especially seem really sincere. I've felt this way about them from the first time I saw them over a year ago. First impressions are always lasting with me.

I know I have been emotional when george was on stage saying that his mom was at the club to see him. He said that she is the most beautiful women in the room and that he loves her. Then he said that she was the best mom he could ever have and that she told him to follow his heart. I almost got teary eyed!! For real!! I know it's hard to believe because I'm usually not so sentimental but lately, my emotions have been running high! It just goes to show what a nice sincere guy george is. They say that you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats his mother. You gotta love a guy like george!! Everybody loves george...I don't think anyone can say a mean thing about him....he is just so nice! I'm very grateful to have known him and I wish him and his band much success. I got all emotional when I got home and started writing up a review. It helps me cope with things. There's a link for the page from the main page so definately check it out.

One thing I'm really confused about is the fact george always thank me. Whenever he said, "thank you so much" I think...what for? what did i do? why are you thanking me? I guess because I go to a lot of their shows. I dunno...one day I'll know. Until then, I'll just remain puzzled. But maybe it's just like the thing with matt. I'll always be so grateful to him because of what he told me. I've often feel that he gave me the piece of the puzzle i was missing. Sure if you look at things, it doesn't seem like he did all that much but he did in my eyes. If I never met him, and he never told certain things, I wouldn't have learned so much about spirituality. Maybe it's like that. Maybe I'd said something to george that made sense and it helped him deal with whatever he was dealing with at the time. It's all syncronistic.

I think I've been sad because I've been sensing this new change. Of course I'm thrilled for them...but in a way, it feels like there has to be an end in order for a new beginning. death...change...rebirth..it's all cycles of our lives. One day I'll see them on tv and can say that i knew them way back when. Maybe it's not goodbye...but a 'see ya later'. In a way, it feels like....my job is done here, have a good life. I'm touched that he still has the stone I had given him when they opened up for Sebastian Bach back in december. I gave him a tiger's eye because the previous night, they had such trouble on stage...between equipment failure to playing missed match stuff, he really needed some good luck. So I charged a tiger's eye for protection, energy, luck, money, and success. I still remember it because it was my prettiest tiger's eye. Small enough to put in with the rest of his pocket junk and smooth enough that it didn't poke him in the leg! He told me tonight that he carries it with him all the time. That is nice...I'm glad the stone is lending him it's energy. I'm glad he uses it....and not think it was silly or something. see...little things and I'm all grateful again....sentimental fool i am!!

Whatever happens...it's meant to. Things always happen the way they're suppose to....plus it doesn't hurt that I ask the goddesses to watch over him. I'm grateful to them...always grateful to them because they've blessed my life so. Despite it all, life is still good....

January 21, 2000 (Friday)

My friend's birthday was today...she's old...hahahha. We went out to a late dinner and met her new boyfriend. He seems right for her....maybe this is the one! When I dropped everyone off at their house, I still had so much energy. 2am....it's my awake time! I'd been up for 6 hours and I was ready to go. I ended up coming home because the roads were slick. Ended up exercising to expend some of my energy. I've been so emotional lately..sentimental. All week long I've been so down. Feels like my best friend is leaving...not sure why. I don't think it has anything to do with Jenn either. She's still not talking to me but did call our friend to wish her a happy birthday. Something just feels weird...

January 20, 2000 (Thursday)

We got so much snow today!!! There must've been a good 6 inches all over the place!! So beautiful...I even went out and took some pictures. Who knows if they'll turn out nice but I didn't care because it was snow! We haven't had a big snow storm for years! This one ain't melting away tomorrow!!

I was watching channel 11 news all morning all. I got all excited hearing about the school closings...hahahhah. Kid at heart so I was happy for the little ones...I have fond memories of sledding and snowball fights...wait, that was last year...hahahha. Just kidding. When I was kid, we used to go sledding and have these huge snowball fights. I used to have this really cool pair of shoes that didn't have any tread and I would run and run and run, then slide for a good 15 to 20 feet...the trick was the shoes and good balance! Whatever happened to those shoes? hmmm...it's not like my shoe size changed much since I was young. Shit, I've been wearing a size 7-71/2 forever! I don't remember a time when I didn't wear a size 7 shoe! That and my height...been this height for as long as I can remember. I guess I'm not getting any taller...

Well, I ended up going to sleep around 9am...I get pretty drowsy around 9am. Slept to about 4:30pm and then I went out and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. I actually enjoy doing it. The snow was real powdery so it wasn't that hard to move around..just a lot of it. It's invigorating to be one with snow shoveling...hahahhaha. I'll probably hurt tomorrow but hey, who cares...there's two more storms coming sunday to look forward to! I took some pictures of the snow and the full moon. I hope they turn out...I have almost 4 rolls of pictures that need developing..tomorrow I might go and drop them off. We'll see how motivated I get.

Tonight I asked for a sign for progress...to make sure I was on the right track and I got the sign. So I'm going to keep on keeping on... you know what's funny? I was here tonight chatting with a friend of mine that just got online and then my mom called for me to pick her up. So I got bundled up and right before I left, my DJ friend on the radio said, "the roads are alittle slick out there so if you're heading out, be careful". hahahhahhahah. I stopped in my tracks and looked at the radio...how did he know I was just heading out?? Stuff like that makes me feel connected to him...to the world..whatever!

I called my friend tonight and got her voice mail...so I left her my famous singing happy birthday message...then I told her she was old...hahahhahha. Her birthday is actually on the 21st. Friendship...isn't it wonderful? In exactly 5 months, I'll be hitting that big 27 also...eeeek!! I'm no spring chicken...hahhahahha.

You know what else is funny? I was chatting with my friend pete online and we were cracking up on the idea of HELL. Did you know that they serve cold beer in hell? We feel that Hell's got a bum wrap for so long. I think Hell's marketing team need to beef up their strategy and come up with some slogans. It was so funny cuz we came up with a ton of them and lots of ideas. We're gonna open up a club called HELL. hahahhahah. Just run with it...it'll be funny! January 14-19, 2000 (Friday-Wednesday)

I'm getting lazy again with the journal thing!! I've been busy rearranging my room finally! I spent the weekend indoors working on it...it's like day 5 and still not complete. Going through all this stuff gives me a sentimental streak. I am such a packrat and I'm about sick of cleaning...I just can't seem to throw anything away. Anyway, I don't know what to write so I'll just freeflow for a bit.

I was writing some good emails the last few days...moon was in gemini so i was pretty alert. Now I'm just like quiet...don't have much to say even though there's a lot of my mind. I still haven't gotten directions for my shopping. I think I'm just going to wander around and when I get lost, I'll wander my way home. It doesn't matter if I get my friend's birthday gift by her birthday or after because one year, she gave me my birthday gift at Christmas time....now that I think about it, I think she still owe me a gift...hmmm.

Last night, I decided that the Maryland State Lottery people were right..."you gotta play to win" so I filled out a lotto subscription cuz I'm too lazy to check my numbers everyday nor to buy them everyday. This way, they play my numbers twice a week and then when I win, they just send me a check in the mail =) I'm not much of a gambler but several years back I paid $25 for a lotto subscription. It played for 13 weeks. Never checked the numbers and one day, they sent me a check for $35.00 hahhahahhahhhahha. This time I am playing 4 rows of numbers instead of the 2 and it's going for 13 weeks. $50.00 I paid...maybe it'll double...hahhahahhhaa It would be cool if I win the lottery...I already know what I'll do with the money. It always surprise me when I don't win...like when I enter contests or raffles, I think I'll win and when I don't, it puzzles me...hahhahahha

Funniest thing I heard this weekend was when my friend told me about how mutual friends of ours saw my dumbass ex-boyfriend.....he was working at Chick Filet!! hahahhahhahahhahhahhaha The last time I talked to him was when he called me ..............I think it was in 1998. Wow..has it been that long? It was the week of the creed show at Merriweather. I remember that much so it must've been the summer of 1998. Man, I had such good seats to that concert!!! 3rd row center...it was the most perfect seat to see a show at merriweather! And it was an aisle seat too!!! He was lucky I was in the most spectacular mood then when he called. Anyway....he had called me to boast about his grandiose life...ya know, the great high paying gourmet chef job at some fancy restaurant, a new car and a new truck, a near death experience that made him appreciate life and his 2yr old daughter, and all the money he then had. hahhahahha...then he told me that he felt bad about all the debt he left behind for me. Gee...years later and his conscious kicked in...as if he ever had one! You know, at that time, I wasn't doing too well. Business was just mediocre and I was barely getting by....creditors stop calling please! All due to Mr. Dumbass. You know, my first instincts were to call him every bad word I can think of...let me tell you, my vocabulary is quite extensive ;) but then he started with his boo hoo guilt and then he said the magic words: I want to start paying you back the money I've owed you for years.

What?? Man, could this day be any better? 3rd row creed seats and money?? well...it was too good to be true. The concert was amazing!! I got perfect parking!! I didn't even get lost going to merriweather!! But the money never showed. It hasn't shown up and it's 2000. $300 a week he promised until his entire debt plus interest was paid. Nada...nothing..zippo! But you know what the screwed up thing is? he fuckin called me a week after that initial conversation to tell me that the check was in the mail!!!! What the fuck?!? To this day, that fuckin steams me....why the hell would you call someone back to say that when he obvious had no intentions of repaying me. I could tell he was calling to get back in my good graces because he wanted to drop off the money weekly at my house and i told him that it'd be best that he send it to my post office box....hahahhahha. I didn't want to see his dumbass anymore than I wanted to talk to him on the phone. So if he figure I didn't want anything to do with him, he could've just blew me off after that first call. It wasn't like I knew where he lived or his phone number. I could care less!! So when he called the next week and said, "hey, I'm calling to see how the show was and to tell you that I sent the check out yesterday so it should be there soon" what the fuck was that??????

I get pretty mad whenever I talk about his dumbass ....I was trying not to curse here but oh well. I remember last week, I was dreaming about him and couldn't understand why. Then I heard this story from my friend and I totally get my dreams now. You see, he is working at chick filet...hahahhahahhahha. I can't help but laugh out loud everytime I think about it. I'm mostly laughing because he had the nerve to call and boast about his wonderful life...well...working at a fast food place isn't so glamourous and he's probably barely getting by again. Liar!! That is what he was and obviously still is. I so fuckin hate liars. What the hell is the point in lying about shit? I mean, blatant lying to my face...what a dick!

So I'm suppose to be focusing on more positive stuff...my dream told me about him before I found out. Life is good...it's really good these days for me. I'm really blessed. If I had to figure out the amount he owes me now, it would be another 4000 worth of interest tacked on to the previous total. Shit, I could not work for an entire year and live as if I had an average income!! He sucks! People think I'm being harsh when I openly refer to him as dumbass. It's to the point where if I did say his name in conversation with my friends, they would be like "Who?"...then I gotta say "ya know, dumbass" Ohhh! But everything is cool. I've almost paid off all the debt I was in because of him...it took a big chunk of my profits in 1999 but hey, debt free or near debt free is a good feeling. From what I've been told, Karma is giving him a good swift kick in his dumbass...hahahhahhahahhaa You know, I've ran into him a few times at daytonas and he never say anything to me...hahhahahhah. I always want to go and start shit but my friends hold me back cuz he's not worth wasting my energy. I know that...that's why in my dream, i didn't have any bad or good feelings toward him...I was really bored with all his pathetic lies. In my dream, he was living in some hole in the wall and we went there to get money or something. Then while he was talking, I was playing with my cell phone and checking my stocks on the internet through my phone...hahhahahhaha. Amazing what dreams reveal to us when we pay attention.

Oh, I finally cleaned my fish tank. I've decided that I'm going to make the aquarium a top priority. I'm gonna learn how to do all that aquarium stuff correctly. I don't know if I've mentioned this in other entries but who cares. i want happy fish. I'm so a bird and fish person...not much into dogs and cats although if I had to pick, I would pick a cat any day over a dog!!!

Monday, my cousins called and asked me to look over some of their INS papers and I was really tired. I had slept so little that morning and then had to run around and people kept calling....so when they called, I told them that I would have to do it later. Then I got off the phone and I was just soooo sleepy...so I screamed out "I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!" Well, later that night, I got my mom to call them and they said that I don't have to do it because someone just happened to be there and looked it over! How weird...but cool! It's been like that lately...everytime I needed something and I say it outloud, it happens or something works out. It's like the incident with the ionic toothbrush. I thought my battery was dead and then I got online to order another one...for some reason, the order page wouldn't load up so I emailed the dude and he said "for some reason our order page is down but we're working on it and should be up in the next few days" well, that night, I went to the bathroom and tested my toothbrush again...i was testing it upside down...hahahhahha..and it miraculous worked! Well...my cousin came over tonight cuz he had more questions about the forms so I don't feel so bad for not doing it before. I feel needed!! hahahhaha. It was cool...I don't mind helping when I can.

That's the recap of the last five days...I've had some bazaar dreams but I don't remember too much now.

January 13, 2000 (Thursday)

Didn't make it to the Sharper Image today. I did go deliver some gifts to my niece tonight..she's 4 years old now =) They grow up so quickly. We played with the Pokemon toys for about an hour and then I went home. They seem to like the toys. Then I went shopping at the grocery store. I bought some magazines and then some cards. I'm in that card giving mood. Jenn's still mad but I found the perfect card to say I'm sorry. But where is the hallmark card that say "sorry i canceled out on new year's eve.........maybe next year?" hahahhahha.

I picked up the latest issue of Hit Parader and surprisingly saw an article and picture of "Jimmy's Chicken Shack". I guess even typos are good for publicity! I emailed the girl that does the web stuff and asked her when did they change the spelling of their name? hahahhahhahaha I got the magazine because it had koRn on the cover along with other bands inside. I thumbed through it and it's actually a really good issue!

I bought a shitload of magazines tonight...it'll give me something to amuse myself with if I get snowed in and the power goes out. Man, it's like 18 degrees outside!!!! That's way too cold for me. I still need to take my car into the shop. That mysterious piece is still in my trunk and I've driven all over the place in the last two days. Maybe friday...maybe! I need to get two new tires for my car too.

I keep going back and forth with the hair cut thing. I think I'm gonna put some chunks of highlights in my hair. I like to experiment with colors and it's been almost a week since I dyed my hair. Sometimes I wish there were two of me, then I can see what I'm doing in the back...hahahhahha. It would be so much easier to do each other's hair than to do my own when I don't have eyes in the back of my head. Even if I did, my hair would cover them...hahahha. Ok, I'm tired....

January 12, 2000 (Wednesday)

I actually heard my alarm today and then I quickly jumped up to turn my stereo on really loud so I would stay awake! I ended up staying in bed through the entire Godsmack CD which is about an hour long. I showered and got ready...then my brother tagged along when I went out. He was like all depressed or something today. I think he's upset because he's got computer programming in school but the teacher doesn't teach. She sits in the back of the room talking on the phone. He's not learning anything and that's what he wants to do...to learn! Today he found out that she's the only computer programming teacher at the school and she's also the person that assign the work study program. I think he's interested in pursuing computers since his childhood dream of becoming a baseball player didn't seem to pan out. I told him to talk to his counselor about it but he won't. I don't know. Then we went shopping because my youngest nieces birthday is tomorrow...she'll be 4 =) I got her some pokemon stuff and I ran some errands. We ended up at Bestbuy so my brother could pick up some CDs...well, he was all upset and had an attitude because he wants to buy a $250 receiver now! Why does a 15 year old boy need a 250 dollar receiver? The speakers he wants, he can't afford. He wants to get a job but he's 15 and don't want to work at fastfood place. So he's like all depressed....after I told him no at the store, we didn't talk on the way home. Then he was all pissy at home. He couldn't act up too much because he knows I'll start yelling at him in front of our dad...hahaha. If our parents knew he wanted to buy such an expensive piece of audio equipment, they would give him a lecture on the worth of money and all that stuff. It would be different if he was older and had his own money to blow.

I really hate shopping with other people. I'm like in and out....practicing the art of speed shopping. And if I know I'll be awhile, I would much rather shop alone. People drag me down so if I know I'll be long at a particular shop, I won't subject others to it.

I ended up going out later to finish up my shopping. Just the general stuff, laundry detergent, fabric softener stuff. Then I bought my fish some new stuff. The air pump is dying and I don't like that filer I bought last year...it just doesn't seem to work very well. My fish are tough....the last three to survive. Tomorrow, I have to pick up some more stuff and then move my tank. I'd like to learn more about setting up tanks and fish...so far, I'm just winging it and it doesn't seem to work all that well. I wouldn't mind having a tank downstairs. Maybe I can write it off on my taxes...I'll put it in the office...or in my room which is like an office these days.

This weekend, I am definately rearranging my room! I've been putting it off for weeks now and this is the weekend. There is nothing going on anywhere...not even any good shows...so it helps me to stay away from all those smokey clubs. Tomorrow I'm going to drop off the gifts at my nieces and then while I'm up in the area, I'm going to go to the Sharper Image at the Towson Town Center and check out my ionic breeze. They have this cool one that goes in the car but it's like 60 bucks. I have to pick up a keychain for my friend for her 27 birthday. She is forever misplacing her keys so I'm gonna get her this titanium finish keychain that beeps when you clap your hand. I'm so into the titanium and ionic stuff. The keychain is like 40 bucks but it's got multiple keyrings, a titanium finish, a light, and even a timer! It's not that bulky according to the pictures on their website. Then they had the regular ones on sale on the website for just 10 bucks. The only thing it's missing is the beeping feature. I'm not sure if it's titanium finish but it'll be cool. I'm ready to retire my corona bottle opener keychain. Well...it comes in handy but change is good.

January 11, 2000 (Tuesday)

I'm a day late updating and for some odd reason, I can't remember anything! I ran some errands...I looked through some car brochures because I'm starting to shop for a new car. Oh wait!! I remember something...a part of my car fell off today! Normally I've got the stereo in the car blaring and for some reason, I had it turned down from when I chaffeuring someone so I heard this scrapping sound. It was coming from my passenger side front wheel. At first, the noise threw me off because it's a very distinctive sound. My old car was in so many accidents, none of which were my fault, and the quarter panel was all dented in and my tire would scrap against it everytime I hit a bump in the road.....kkuuurrr sound it would make. I turned off my music in the car and everytime I hit a bump, I would hear this noise. It worried me. I drove slower than normal and decided eventually that it was a stick or something that was stuck in the wheel well. Well, I was on my way to pick my mom up when I hit this huge pothole....LOUD NOISE...and the obvious sound of my car running over something clunky. I pulled ahead, got out with my flashlight and didn't see anything in the wheel well so I was convinced that whatever it was, it's gone now! Then something told me to go back and doublecheck to see if it was a stick. Well, I went back and I saw this huge piece of metal on the road. I pulled over, got out and picked it up....it looks like a cover of some sort and when I turned it over, it said Nissan on it!! It's from my car! I don't know what it is or where it goes but I think it's a cover for somewhere on the axle...I'm thinking that because they had worked on my car around christmas time because my cv-boots were cracked! They replaced them and maybe they didn't screw this piece back on tight enough. This is the only thing I remember...I probably just did some work and ran errands.

January 10, 2000 (Monday)

I had leftovers from last night.....mmm...I got the parmesan cheese opened today so I took more pictures...hahahha. I couldn't help it. The cheese give it a different look! Ok, maybe I'm still excited about my new camera. Is it really that odd to photograph your meals? I'd tell ya what's odd...if I did before and after photos...hahahhahhaha. Maybe when I get my digital camera but I don't want to waste film on an empty dish ;)

I just got off the phone with the coolest DJ ever...Matt Davis! Man, he is so cool. I guess you can say that we're friends...I sent him a Christmas gift and he said "you couldn't have picked a more perfect gift for me!" Kudos to me! He sounds really excited about the tarot deck I sent and I'm so glad because I was excited about this particular deck too! I wasn't sure if sending him a gift was appropriate but I just knew he would love it and that he would get a lot of use from the Osho Zen Tarot! I'm excited that he's excited about it...hahahha...if that makes sense! This tarot deck is more about a discovery of yourself through the help of the cards. The cards will tell you what you can't seem to admit or an aspect of your life you're not dealing with. It's very insightful and I am truly happy that it was appropriate! It's such a cool feeling to know that I'm on the right track. When he first got them, he was so appreciative and thankful...such a nice guy...that it totally made my day! Well, I think him and I have a spiritual bond which I'll write more indepth about in my "coming soon" spirituality section. Kind of like we were brought together to help each other grow spiritually and that's exactly what he has done for me. For that I'm truly grateful and I just wanted to do my part....if I could inspire him 1/10 of how he had inspired me more than a year ago, I'd be happy. I hope the cards will help him learn more about himself and what his spiritual purpose is.

I really enjoy having the house to myself. I could listen to music as loud as I want. I finally got paid! I was starting to worry about my commission checks not arriving. Not like I'm hard up for cash...just worried about my end of the year taxes. I have a shitload of taxes to pay so I was glad to get two checks! It kinda sucks when I think about how all my savings is going to uncle sam. How many times do I have to say that he's no uncle of mine? hahahhahhaha You think the IRS people will accept that?

Well, the reason I called him was to discuss the koRn tour date in baltimore. Both unconfirmed but what is on the radio station's website is different than what koRn has on their tour date page....so when I heard him talking about it on the radio, I had to call and say what's up! I'm super excited that koRn is coming to town!!! On their website, it's saying April 1st, april fools day which is cool because it's a saturday at the baltimore arena! I can't wait to go...now all I have to do is get tickets when they go on sale and find someone to go with! My friends aren't really koRn fanatics...but koRn is such an amazing group.

I did alittle work today and chatted with a friend of mine from california online. He had sent me a CD with some cool programs on it and I'm glad he was online so I could thank him. Maybe tomorrow I'll make it to Ikea!

January 9, 2000 (Sunday)

Ok, the Ikea thing didn't happen today. Slept until 4:30pm...but I didn't go to sleep until 9am so I'm not totally lazy! I couldn't go to sleep early for anything. I started reading this book hoping it would make me drowsy and all it did was stimulate my mind more...I started writing down my own interpretation of what the author is trying to convey and next thing I knew, I had wrote a whole page and some notes on the edge of the page! That writing will go in my spirituality section that's coming soon! I can't wait for it!!

I cooked dinner which was cool because I hadn't cooked for a long time. I made my specialty dish, seafood alfredo....mmm...it's got shrimp, scallops, mussels, and that imitation crabmeat stuff along with red onions and mushroom in a creamy alfredo sauce, topped with black olives and chopped up spring onions all over a bed of linguini noodles. It's fabulous! Even my dad said it was pretty tasty!! It all depends on who's eating it. I leave the black olives and spring onions to be put on last because not everyone like those two things. I like it all...this actually is the first time I put scallops and mussels in with it but it was delicious! I was going to sprinkle some parmesan cheese but I couldn't get the new bottle opened =( No biggie because it was so yummy the way it was! Seafood is probably my favorite type of food and I could eat some everyday! Yesterday I had ordered some baked fish and that was good....it was in a creamy lemon pepper sauce. I made this plate up for my brother and it was pretty, I had to take a picture of it...hahahhah. When I get my roll of film developed, I'll post it up on here!

I did some work....I did dye my hair last night. It went well...later this week, I'm going to put some lighter streaks in my hair...I like to experiment with colors. I should go and get a hair cut soon. It's starting to really bug me. The shape is just gone. I need to have her put more layers in my hair...and just half an inch off the length. I'm growing it out and so far, it's down to the middle of my back...well, the longest pieces are down that far. I've got a lot of layers already but it needs more. Can't decide on bangs or no bangs. Right now, my bangs have grown out and it is almost chin length!! My hair is finally long enough where I can put it all in a ponytail and there is no loose pieces falling down.

I didn't do much of anything else...I was going to rearrange my room around but that didn't happen. I should really do it on the weekend but it's sunday night/monday morning now...maybe next weekend.

January 8, 2000 (Saturday)

I couldn't go to bed until 10am!!! Then my alarm was set to go off at 11am so I could get up and go shopping...well, it didn't happen. I got up at 3pm which is still early and then showered and got ready. I was planning on going to Ikea today to look at furniture and buy some candles. They have really great deals at Ikeas for candles. A box of 25 candlesticks is just $5.95 and the same cost would get me 100 tealights! Once I got a box of candles on sale for like $2.95 and they were these really pretty yellow/orange color!! I didn't make it to Ikea but I will tomorrow!

I ended up going to dinner with a friend of mine and then just drove around a bit. I drank my first beer this year at dinner tonight...mmm...but I'm doing well in keeping away from the clubs. I got the koRn newsletter earlier and it said that their tentative tour dates are up! koRn is coming to the baltimore arena on april fool's day!!! I'M SUPER EXCITED!!!! AND IT'S A SATURDAY!!! I can't wait for tickets to go on sale...but I think I'm going to get floor tickets this time. I got seats last time for the rage show and didn't know that when you have seats, you can't go on the floor. It felt really odd not being in the pit or just down on the floor bouncing around. I'll remember to get floor tickets this time because I have to be on the floor...staind is opening up for them too so it's going to be soooo cool! The last time I saw koRn was at woodstock and I fought like hell to get to the front of the pit...long story.

I'm really tired so I won't write too much. I am hoping to go to bed at a decent time even though it's 3am now....so sleep soon and then tomorrow I'll wake up early to go shopping! I kinda want to dye my hair tonight but I don't know...I might just do it since I've been putting it off.

January 7, 2000 (Friday)

I woke up around 7pm. So much for my alarm clock...hahahhha. Well, I get all my stuff done when I'm awake from 7pm to 9 or 10 am....which is about 9 to 10 hours of sleep..hehehe. My flu is pretty much gone...I am waking up congestion free and able to breathe completely and deeply!! Happiness is being able to breathe when I'm brushing my teeth!!

Despite last night's Round 2 with Jenn, I was ok. I don't know how many times I have to apologize but apparently I'm not apologizing for the right thing. She thinks I'm lying or had been and feels that she can't trust me. I don't know what more I can do. It's kind of weird...all of this is strange. I'm trying to be civil about all this and I get the sense that she is purposely provoking me. New year comes new attitudes in life....I just want harmony (perhaps the moon in libra is still influencing me). Actually, the moon has moved into Scorpio today and it makes sense. Although I seek harmony and peace, there's a part of me that wants to retaliate...to argue back and make my point known no matter what. Isn't that just a scorpio trait? Sting with it's deadly, hurtful tail just to be right? Well, I am backing off...perhaps retreating to lick my wounds, as they say. Maybe it's best if I actually kept my mouth shut for once. I mean, it just seem like I've made things worse by saying what's on my mind. I'm probably the most truthful person out there and it's disturbing to hear her say that I am a liar. She just doesn't believe anything I have to say because she can't see passed this whole thing. It's kind of like the depressing I was talking about in other entries. How when you're in that state where the dark clouds are looming, you can't see your way passed it. You can't see clearly until you're out of it...until you can sit and see plainly.

The more I think about it, I don't think all this is from the New Year's Eve incident. I think it was the straw the broke the camel's back. I think that this latest incident was a pivotal point of release for whatever feelings she's had pent up inside. I'm soooo not a person to let things go for a long period of time. I'd like to resolve things right away and get my thoughts and feelings out immediately and then forget about it. It doesn't do me any good to keep it bottled up inside because I know that pent up anxiety makes a big noise when it finally and inevitably explodes! She's dealing with stuff that's beyond me cancelling on new year's eve. Whether it's long term feelings of abandonment she's felt which were never resolved or discussed or even brought to light....or it's a combination of other things going on in her life that doesn't have anything to do with me but have catapulted her to this state of mind she's obviously in, I don't think I should be the one who takes the blunt of it all.

Contrary to popular belief, just because I'm not saying anything doesn't mean that I'm not thinking and if I choose to discuss it with others or in my online journal, it doesn't make it public knowledge nor a way to gossip or take sides! I like having my journal online because it means that I can view it anywhere in the world and update it too without lugging around a book. If reading into my insights help someone else sort out their life and discover something about themselves then GREAT! All the answers are within us...we just need to sit still enough to bring it out to light.

I thought about emailing her but I'm not going to. Already she uses the "MEAN EMAIL" as fuel for her attacks. I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life...I don't think she needs more ammo. Let's not hash up old stuff...because I've let it go and can't remember it anymore. Maybe it's that ability I have to let things go that is a positive aspect rather than my awful memory. Maybe it's not that I can't remember, it's more of the fact that I've chosen to forget, or let it go. Besides, I think that if I emailed her, it would be to get her to see my side of the story and she obviously decided that it's all bogus and since I'm "lying" anyway, why bother. I've already told her that I get that I was wrong in handling the situation and that I would make a genuine effort to rectify this situation between us. I don't know what more to say? It's almost like she's egging me to come back and attack her with something. What more is there to do? She said that I need to grow up and that I need to think about other people's feelings. You know something? I realized awhile back that constantly doing what others want me to do makes me very stressed. All my life, I've catered to other people's needs....put their concerns ahead of my own...always 'being there' for someone. Where did it get me? STRESSED OUT and I did hit bottom! Yes, I can be extremely compassionate but there is a limit to it. People are always coming at me with their demands and before, I would just be like, "Ok, I'll do it, rearrange my already plateful of projects and concerns to fit you in". It got to the point where I wasn't doing for myself anymore because I was spending all my time doing for others. My life was a wreck while I was 'fixing' everyone else's life so they would live happier. Is that any way to live?

Yeah it took for my grandmother to die for me to realize how precious time is. I was utterly useless to everyone and they got mad. They didn't understand why I didn't just snap out of it so I can basically tend to their life again. I was truly stuck in the path I was on...which was really a blessing in disguised because it gave me time to see where I was. I holted my life completely to be with my grandmother and I have no regrets. It took me a long time to see where I was and to see that heading on this path would be the biggest mistake. Looking back on everything, it was as though I completely changed course...like an intervention....I feel that I'm finally on the path I'm meant to be on...the happier, more enlightened path. And being on this path means that I take care of myself first. When I'm eighty years old, I want to tell my grandchildren of all my amazing tales and lessons that I fulfilled in my life for myself..and not about constantly being stressed out because I never had time to myself to discover who I am. I don't want to have any regrets when I am lying on my death bed. All this relates to my discussion on work and life. When you're dying, will you wish you had put in an extra hour at work? No, you'll be saying, I wish I had seen the sunset one more time...or whatever else you didn't do because you were too busy doing for others instead of fulfilling your soul. Fulfilling my soul is freedom. I can truly say that even with this minor incident that my life is relatively stress free. This whole situation is probably going to get worse before it gets any better and I'm well aware of what's to come....not looking forward to it but it's necessary. I think we all will grow from this...if we let it.

It may seem to others as a selfish deed but it's not. I want to be whole...I want to be me! If I am not myself, how can others be themselves with me? I want to do what makes me complete...what makes me happy. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to put myself ahead of someone else. I find that when I use my intuition, I am happiest. So often before, I would think with my head and to what makes sense that I would inadvertedly miss opportunities for happiness. I've done for others for so long, it's time they do for themselves and let me live my life the way I want. Saying "NO" is very empowering...after the initial guilt of denial. It takes practice but soon, it gets easier to say No. Giving in would be counterproductive to my growth. I'm not saying that I say no to everyone on all instances because I'm not totally heartless. I do think about it and make the best decision I can make...sometimes it's not the best choice.

I'm just trying to be true to myself. She's obviously going through some other stuff because I feel that this has all gotten blown out of proportion. If she's dealing with other stuff and is lashing out at me because she can't confront whatever other problems, then it's wrong. I wish I could help but not unless I know the whole story....the real reason this minor incident has taken such a big toll on her life. I don't know what more I can do without her being honest to herself. She expects truth, honesty, and understand from her friends. How about expecting some of that from yourself? Why not take the time and fulfill your soul instead of trying to be a "people pleaser" to everyone else. Don't speak from anger. Meditation would really benefit her. I have so many thoughts on this but I won't write anymore. If she reads all this, she'll probably be so mad that her curly hair will go straight. I'm not writing to make her mad, I'm writing because I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. This is how I express myself best. I know that no matter what I say or how I say it, she won't see it as anything but "excuses" and "lies". I've been trying to figure out what's really going on....maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right...who knows?

January 6, 2000 (Thursday)

I am feeling so much better health wise! I can breathe!!! I did some work. Later, I got a burst of energy and pulled out some of the clothes I don't wear so I can donate it to a charity place. It was kind of tough to go through the stuff because I have clothes from when I was a little kid! I get kind of sentimental when it comes to stuff I've used. I found shirts I used to love and it would bring back so many memories of happier times. A few of my favorite shirts had rips in the same location and I remembered how I used to get into a lot of bicycle accidents when I was young and tear my shirts. *sigh* It's tough to let go of the past...good times and bad, all those experiences have helped to shape me into the person I am today. I don't think I've turned out half bad considering my life. We all have issues....which by the way is such an amazing koRn CD!! So now I have this huge pile of clothes and I'm moving my wardrobe into the emptier closets outside of my room. This may very well be the first step to rearrange...redecorating my room! Fun project but very costly and time consuming! It's worth it though for a happier environment! January 5, 2000 (Wednesday)

The sky was so beautiful this morning right before sunrise. The dark clouds were rolling pass as the rain left us, dark clouds against the navy blue sky was very dramatic looking...it's such a nice time of the day to see the wonders of the sky. I was up and out of the house because my brother was running late for school so I drove him there. I wish I had my camera with me to take a picture of it. It's just so cold outside and I don't want to leave my camera bag out in the car when it's so cold....otherwise, I'd be armed with my equipment at all times.

I slept well again...woke up and wasn't congested! On the news, they talked about the flu epidemic in Maryland and how all the hospitals are full with flu patients. It's just what I had said about it being a few strands of flu virus circulating. I've gotten it three times already but hopefully, no more!

I went over to my friend Becky's house for alittle while to load her computer up with some programs I have. Then I helped her screw in this bathroom shelf she bought. I think she was afraid of the power screwdriver I brought over...hahhahhaa. After a few attempts, I just offered to do it for her. It went up and then I was out of there. Ran some errands and maybe tomorrow I'll go to the furniture store to look for a new dresser and a new mattress! I am thinking seriously about rearranging my room tonight. I'm feeling physically much better and I think I might be up to it. I've been drawing plans in my notebook for days now and measuring everything. I can visualize it....I can visualize anything. It's going to happen...just a matter of when it'll happen.

I'm still obsessing over the fact that people think I write too much. It's really bugging me. How important is communication anyway? VERY!!! What's the point if your website has the latest tech script if there's no content? I didn't waste all my time to download some cool looking script to find nothing exciting with the text on the page!! Content is key. Communication is key! I think this world is filled with misunderstandings and maybe somewhere in time and space, it's my job to change that by elaborating on my thoughts and feelings. Who cares!! It's afterall, my website! Freedom of Speech! How lame would it be if I just wrote a sentence or two on each page....and about nothing particularly fascinating or insightful? Maybe I'm just having one of those days...maybe the planets are shifting...let me check!

Moon's in libra...maybe that's why I feel like this...wanting everything to be in harmony and everyone to get along. Libra is an air sign so it is about mental works. I guess it would be a good time to clean and rearrange my room so it's much more pleasant and harmonious with my life.

January 4, 2000 (Tuesday)

I slept soooo good. I went to bed around 9:30am and didn't wake up until 6:30-7pm. I felt really good too when I woke up unlike the past week where I woke up all stuffy and congested. It could be that I opened my bedroom window because of the warm weather and aired out my room. I've been meaning to buy that new ionic air cleaner from the Sharper Image. It's like 200 bucks but it's cool. You can check it out at sharperimage.com! I think 2000 is a year for me to be healthy. Cleaner air which means not subjecting myself from all that stale cigarette smoke inside clubs. That is the one thing I love about outdoor concerts...the quality of air is much better. I honestly can't understand why someone is willing to consistently inhale nicotine and tar everyday of their lives. I know that occasionally I get a craving for a cigarette but it only takes less than half of one for me to realize what a big mistake it is. If I smoke, my lungs can't get the needed oxygen for all my cells....plus it is horrible on my complexion. The day after, I look like death. My body really rejects it...not to mention that it gives me a major headache. I know when I come home from a smoky club, my hair smells awful. It's almost like each strand of my hair is coughing out smoke and when I wash my face, it's dying for some moisturizer because of all the free radicals floating in the air have dried out my skin. It's almost as though my skin goes "aaaahhh" in a sigh of relief when I put moisturizer on my face. Same goes with washing my hair and replenishing it with heavy duty conditioner!

Ok, so looks are pretty important to me. Like I've said...this year is about getting healthy. Healthy is beautiful and if I can do my part in staying beautiful, then more power to me! People are always bugging me about the amount of sleep I get each night but hey, it works for me. Not everyone's the same and if getting 8-9 hours of sleep each and every night is essential for combating everyday stress, then I'm all for it! Besides, you don't see me calling people at 3am saying, "Wake up, you're still sleeping?" 3am is like my dinner time! It all works out.

I have to do some work now and then head out to run some errands. Yes things are still open at 11pm at night here! Plus there's after hour drop offs and some places are opened 24 hours! They must've had me in mind when they decided to stay open 24 hours. I do my best work and is most productive at around 3am =) plus the crowd and traffic isn't nearly one tenth of the size it is during normal business hours....it's like owning the road!

I'm feeling so much better tonight that I might even rearrange my room....hahahhahahha. Let's not hold our breath now! This maybe just wishful thinking on my part.

January 3, 2000 (Monday)

Nope...it didn't happen. What snooze button on my alarm clock? The letters have worn off but it's alright, I know it by touch! I got up around 5pm and it was dark outside. Somewhere in my attempt to sleep peacefully, I bypass the audio portion of the alarm clock. Today wasn't as unproductive as yesterday...my friend Becky and I went to the computer stores today to look for a new computer for her. The Y2K bug must've caught her computer a week early because it was dead. Even a computer wizard as myself couldn't fix it. hahahhahaha. I just deleted all her naughty files in case her computer had to be serviced. Computer wizard, I'm not so don't email me with your questions. Eventually I convinced her to buy a new one since she was running a 90mhz!! Come on!!! How much more ancient could it be? Well, my kind deed of the week lands me at the cash register with my check card paying for her computer. No big deal. Glad to help. I know she's wanted a new computer for a long time, being that she got her 90mhz way back when they invented the wheel...hehe. So I forked over the dough and in time, she'll pay me back. We got an E-machine that was really affordable and has a lot more than what she originally have. As for my dreams of upgrading my computer, I guess I'll just wait and see how things go with business. I have a shitload of taxes to pay come April and mine is slow, not 90mhz slow, but it's workable for now. I figure, if I wait a couple of months longer, the good computers now would drop in price then. I don't need a complete package, just the computer tower, everything else work perfectly. I'm so weird when it comes to electronic stuff...I want the best. Electronic stuff is fun...if I can't get the best, I won't get anything at all....just wait until I have the money. I don't like to settle.

So We spent all evening and into the night hooking her new computer up and getting it working properly. Tomorrow I'll load it up with some cool programs I have that would benefit her computer needs. It's pretty simple to set up a computer...I could do it on the side and make money and even throw in a few lessons with an installation deal. Hmmm.... I did run into my little cousins at BestBuy and I got all confused because today is monday and I thought it was tuesday and couldn't understand why their parent's weren't at the restaurant working. Ya know, all my days sort of run together. Day is night, night is day...monday is tuesday and weekdays are like weekends. Holidays are just when others are off work. I think I need to expand my business so I FEEL like I'm doing something. Everything runs so smoothly and pretty much on its own. I just take care of the day to day maintenance stuff that completes the circle of operation. Sometimes I get lazy with that and have a 4 day weekend. I do work on monday-wednesday that had been built up from thursday-sunday along with the usual monday-wednesday stuff. It's almost too easy since I've worked hard to set up my system. It's pretty much self-running! I've been blessed....

I didn't go yesterday for my haircut....I was having a good hair day so I decided that I didn't want to cut it. I'm gonna touch up my color later. I love the different tones in my hair. I can't stand it when I see people with that flat one color hair. It's so dead....like it's lifeless. Shine and bounce is very important and say a lot about a person's health. I love a full head of hair. It's such a beautiful extension of our personalities. Guys with long, healthy hair is cool. George Bold from Rebel Amish Radio has the most beautiful hair I've ever seen on a guy! It looks so shiny and healthy...I've been meaning to ask him what kind of conditioner he uses but it hasn't come up yet. I'll have to make a note to ask him the next time I talk to him.

Tomorrow's temperature is suppose to be high again but it's going to be rainy too. It's January and the temps are in the high 60s! Maryland is so unpredictable. I called this place earlier today to cancel my membership to their club and the operator asked me how the weather was in my area. How weird.

Jenn finally wrote me back...she's still really mad. She said that she's not ready to respond to my "book". I'm starting to get offended that everyone thinks I write too much. I just enjoy expressing myself through words. What's wrong with that? Maybe if everyone spent half as much time communicating than rushing around being stressed out all the time, we'd all live in harmony. I don't care what people say, I'll always write a lot. It's who I am and one day, someone will really appreciate all my quirky insight. Sometimes I think about blowing this town and going to a new place but honestly, I really like it here in baltimore. It's home.

January 2, 2000 (Sunday)

Still feeling ill...but alittle bit better. I woke up around 3:30pm by the familiar sound of lady bug landing on my window blinds. I've learned that whenever I see or hear a lady bug in my room, it means something will happen...usually I find that it has something to do with energies of change circulating around me. Well, that or I really need to call the pest control guys for real. It used to freak me out whenever I see them in my room because it's out of the ordinary to see lady bugs inside the house. I've been seeing them for awhile now, ever since my grandmother passed away in 1997. It's not like I've had a fascination with them and that's why they are popping up. I've never given lady bugs much thought....now, I don't mind it much. Over Christmas, I was at the mall and walked by one of those jewelry set ups in the middle of the mall. I just happened to stop and to my surprise, I saw this silver lady buy charm with a piece of amber as the body. Incidentally, I've been wanting to get a piece of amber to add to my collection of stones so there it was. amber body, silver wings, bought it for 15 bucks. I cleansed it and have been wearing it everyday. The only thing I've noticed with it is that I've been kind of tired lately. It could be that I've had the flu but my energy level is really low. Other than that, I haven't noticed a big change with wearing an amber. I think I'll switch back to my pentagram because I feel very safe when I wear that. Like I'm constantly being protected. I also recall since not wearing the pentagram that I've had to visualize myself protected by white light more often whether I'm home or out. Plus I lost my ring. When it got cold outside last week, I wore it out and since the cold weather made my fingers shrink a bit, the ring easily slipped off without me realizing until later. Kind of sucks because I loved that ring.

I attempted to clean my room tonight....then I watched TV but nothing was really on so I ended up watching a bootleg video of a TOOL concert I bought awhile back. It was pretty freaky but very cool. There was this one part that was really funny...the dude, lead singer...think his name is maynard was introducing their next song and said, "this is a song about anal sex....as is most of our songs" At that one instance, I realized that I was right!! Yeah most of their songs have really disturbing lyrics but it's cool though. I remember telling a friend of mine that I think their songs were about anal sex so I WAS right! But here's the funny part. Later on in the video, the dude is introducing another song and he said, "this next song is about deep...passionate...love.....................(long pause)..............and anal sex" hahahhahahhahhaha. The song is Stinkfist for those who know TOOL. I was laughing cuz it was just funny the way he said it. You hear the "deep passionate love" part and think...aw, that's nice they're singing about that kind of love and then he adds in the "and anal sex" and it's just hilarious...hahhahhaha...it's like wait a minute!!! All those pleasant thoughts of love turn to contorted eye brows, 'embarrassed as if we were fooled' look...hahhahhaha. It's just humor. No harm to it.

Anything to procrastinate from cleaning, I played alittle video games after the concert. Then watched TV until daylight. I really need to go to sleep earlier. I hear it's a nice day outside and I would love to go out and play. Maybe take my new camera out and run a few rolls of test shots. We'll see.

January 1, 2000 (Saturday)

Happy New Year!!! Happy first day of the last year of the millenium!!! All the people paying those outrageous prices to celebrate the new millenium were duped! Technically, the new millenium doesn't begin until January 1, 2001 because 2000 is a completion of the last thousand years. Just as you would count 100 years, 100 ends the century and 101-200 is the next century, 201-300 is the following century...get it? Anyhow, seeing the number flip from 1999 to 2000 was nice. Just as it is nice to SEE your car's odometer flip over 100,000 miles! It's a nice feeling to know that "we've made it" to yet another year....to make it to a round number like 2000. The news yesterday announced some dude who was politically famous had died in the am hours on new year's eve....man, he was so close! If he only hung on for another day, he would have "made it" to Y2K! Death....change....reminds me of my grandma. She didn't make it to year 2000 but then again, she wasn't as close as that dude was. I can't get over that...he was sooo close...maybe if he lived in austrilia, he might've had a chance to see the new year. Never fails though, I'm forever rooting for the underdog ;) Anything is possible, right? Supreme Optimist speaking here! I think that people knew that 2000 was an important year but didn't quite know how to call it so they just said it was the new millenium....just one more misconception to add to the long list of others.

So I thought about my grandma....I think about her occasionally. I think it keeps me grounded since I tend to be a bit flighty. There isn't a week that goes by where I don't remember her and how I felt when she died in the summer of 1997. Death...change...it all occured in me. By my count and revelation in the recents weeks, I'm about toddler age, rather my spirit is toddler age...alittle over 2 years old. It's kind of strange to look at spirituality in that way. Death is like starting over. It's an end of an era and a beginning of another era. We all die alittle bit throughout life. Recognizing it means growth...spiritual growth. 2 years old...I've had a new found appreciation for life and all its beauties. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I've changed a lot. I've found joy in little things in life and have reignited the passions for long loved hobbies of mine like photography! I bought myself a new camera for Christmas and I'm super excited. Soon, I'll photograph that vision I have of birds which is my portrayal of our society. It'll be my claim to fame....although I'm not out for fame...just understanding. I've also found that I'm fascinated by kiddie shows. My neurotic sleep schedule lands me awake all night long and then sleeping during the daylight hours. For the last time, I'm not a vampire!!! But I do have to admit that all the jokes about it are rather funny. So earlier in the am, I find myself watching the Teletubbies and loving it! Ok, stop already with the gay teletubbie talk. Open your mind and listen....if you've ever sat down and watched the teletubbies without preconceived notions, you'll really let your inner child come out and appreciate the innocence of these four .......not sure how to describe them if you've never seen them....they're really cute and very lovable. They are always hugging on each other and bouncing off of each other's bellies, falling down, and laughing. It's very childlike....happy childlike. It's how all children should be. Playful, innocent, and purely happy. Untainted by societies corruptions in views and actions. To look at the world through wondering eyes, learning, exploring, discovering all the different facets of something as simple as a flower. When WAS the last time you took time to "smell the roses"? I can go on and on about this...I probably will in the coming entries but I'll move on.

Anyone buy the new koRn album "Issues"? It's amazing. koRn is one of my favorite bands so I'll just talk alittle about the album to relate it to my theme today. By the way, I'm listening to it now.... The CD opens with this bagpipe (from his scottish heritage) intro with Jonathan Davis saying in repetition "All I want in life is to be happy". How true, how true. Isn't that ultimately what we all want in life when you think about it? When it comes down to what we want in life...isn't it happiness? How great is it when you do something nice for someone else and they appreciate it? You feel happy and a smile undeniably pops up on your face! What about when someone does something nice for you, doesn't the gesture make you feel happy? When was the last time you felt really genuinely happy? That's all I've ever wanted....that's why some of you know that my nickname before Nitedrifter years ago was "HAPPIE". I've always wanted to be happy and when I got on the WWW, I was thinking up nicknames and I said..."hey, why not happy since that's what I've always wanted to be and now I can!!" Well, the spelling I chose was cuter than the traditional spelling so I was "Happie" for a short period of time...about 4 months or so...maybe less, I don't recall exactly. I just know that I changed it to Nitedrifter because I was really depressed and happie didn't really fit...plus I started noticing the nickname popping up all over the place. Damn posers! Depression is a funny thing...when you're in it, you can't see past the gloom that's lurking around you. Depression is like a spiritual death. With death comes rebirth and thus change occurs. I guess some people take depression too far and die for real...in the physical sense. The only constant in life is that things will always change. You're not always going to be depressed. You're not always going to have a streak of bad luck. Then you won't always be happy or rich or beautiful or whatever else. As "The Wheel Of Fortune" card comes up in my tarot spread frequently reminding me that fate has it's ups and downs. Nothing is forever constant so appreciate good fortune and endure through the bad times as tomorrow is another day. Embrace whatever comes your way and one day you'll see how funny everything really is. Once you can see beyond your current situation and state of mind, it's already in the past. Did that make sense? So people ask me why I don't change my nickname back since I'm happy again. Well, I like "Nitedrifter". It's totally original and it still fits well. It is a constant reminder of the time I went through and without that time, I wouldn't be the person I am today. All things happen for a reason and despite all the misery and suffering I'd endured in those 9 months, a lot of good things in turn came to light. I have a better sense of who I am and what I believe in. It's like "finding yourself". You have to shed layers and layers of facade to find who you truly are inside....what your purpose is in life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is definately true in my case. Experiencing something so life changing has certainly made me a much stronger person and if I can get through that, I know I can get through anything else life wants to deal me. Another great thing that has happen is that I was blessed enough to have met some truly spiritually helpful people along my path. It is truly a gift to be understood....and it's even more of a gift to understand yourself through the interaction with someone else. To say, "because of so and so, I was able to see how great my capacity to love is" is a gift. If our paths never crossed, I may not have realized something so important about myself. For that I am truly grateful.

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This next portion has been changed from its original form because who I wrote it to didn't find it to their liking. It's actually the 7th of January and I have to rewrite this part. Here I thought everyone enjoy a public or semi-public apology. It's not like I make an awful lot of apologies in my life....so when it does come, it's not fake! Or a lie or a way to spare someone's feelings.

It's tough to write in a past tense...in a way, I have to recapture this evening as if it had just happened. Whereas often times I write in the present state of mind so whatever I write is fresh and undiluted with preconceived planning. Let me first say that I ended up in town today. Baltimore is home to me and I couldn't imagine bringing in the new year anywhere else than downtown baltimore where the festivities commenced all day long! This was actually a spur of the moment thing since I had no prior knowledge of this day's events at the Inner Harbor. I flipped on the tube and saw live coverage of all the activities throughout maryland for today! Fireworks they say!! The biggest firework display ever in the city of baltimore...how can I miss this? I love fireworks. How could I possibly drive myself 2 hours away to spend new years in a place that wasn't home? There's something joyous about being surrounded by tens of thousands of strangers in the city....we're not all strangers. Sure we don't know each and every one of them by name, there's a sense of unity...a sense of loyalty...a sense of pride in our city. We are all there for the same purpose...to celebrate the coming of a new year in the city we all love! Why else would we be there? Why else would I ride the lightrail from Cromwell Station to Camden Yards, walk several blocks to the harbor, in the freezing cold to witness 15 minutes of fireworks? Fireworks were shooting all around me. Four sets of them were going off and where we sat which seem like it was prime spot turned out not to be so but it didn't really matter because it was just the experience of it all. Yeah, I was so cold that I my teeth were chattering. Yes I was sick from the flu also which made things worse. I even watched my first parade go by ...and the first parade of the new year in baltimore! From what I've been told, it was a really cheesy parade but I didn't care. I clapped and cheered with the small group surrounding me. At the end, there were people who "join the parade" like that Rebel Amish Radio song!

If this is an indication of what I'll be doing for the rest of the year, then great! I do have to comment about what I had wrote before. You see, I was planning on going to a friend's restaurant in Salisbury for the new year and at the last minute decided to stay in town. When I woke up, I felt ill and wasn't looking forward to that long drive. Plus I enjoy the comfort and safety of my own bed to sleep in. At that point, I pretty much made up my mind that I didn't want to go. Things happen. So I'm capricious...I like change. The decision wasn't made until I spoke with the friend I was journeying with today. Well to make a long story short, we didn't go and there's just no nice way of cancelling. My friend in salisbury is pissed off and blames us. Before you start judging my actions, you should really hear the full story! Nevertheless, I chose to be home because it felt right. If I would have gone down there despite my own gut feelings, I would have gone because of guilt. Is that really the way I want to remember a visit to a friend's place....I went because I felt guilty and didn't have the guts to cancel? And not because I genuinely and excitedly wanted to be there? It just didn't feel right to be there and being in baltimore felt like home...because it is home.

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Let's end the first day on a happier note, I slept until 7:30pm and when I woke up, I was still feeling really bad. This is the 3rd time this flu has gotten me in the past month and a half. It gets passed around like fruitcake during Christmas. Every time it comes back around to me, it's a different strain of flu germs as in a different wrapping package for the fruitcake. Nobody wants it and everyone frowns when it arrives. Does the flu shot really help and is there a list I can subscribe on where I won't receive any fruitcake for next year? Not too sure that was a happy ending. My eye hurts...it hurts every time I blink. It's been hurting since thursday. I hate being sick. This isn't happy. Well, tomorrow is hair cut day...and it's been a long time since I've gotten my hair cut so that's happiness. My hair is getting long but growing way out of shape. OUCH...something just happened to my eye....brb! my eye...my EYE!!!! ewww...that was gross and it still hurts. What a way to be on the first day of the last year in this millenium! Curses!!! I can't breathe cuz I'm congested. I can't hear cuz my ears are clogged! My eye hurts and I probably have an infection of some kind. I'm in great shape! hahahhahahha. At least I still have my sense of humor =) I'm falling apart...this is the effects of Y2K! All in all, I think I need to work on my spirituality mostly this year...everything else will fall into place.

Here is my drawn out long new year's resolution: 1. Spend more time being true to myself...just be me!
2. Spend more time with my nieces....they are growing up so fast.
3. Appreciate everything in life more, i.e. family, friends, nature...
4. Patience....with my mom, my younger brother, idiot drivers, love....basically with life...
5. Relax...more meditation.
6. Less partying, i.e. clubbing, drinking...
7. Almost debt free, now start investing!
8. Take the damn bird photograph already...10 years I've been watching those birds and fascinated by them...this will be the year!
9. Never buy another day to day calendar because I flip it about 3 times a year....last year I said that I would make a resolution to flip my calendar every day...well....didn't happen so I've modified it!
10. More traveling...cross country trip, internationally...which reminds me: apply for passport!
11. Exercise more...how many times is this one going to be on my list??
12. Less sugar, Less salt, Less caffeine...healthier eating!
13. Take more pictures and make that photo album idea for my favorite aunt!
14. Tell Becky more often that she's no spring chicken anymore...hahaha
15. Do more nice things for others....as if I don't do enough!!
16. Did I say patience already? Oh yeah, #4...let's try to be more organized!
17. Still having the procrastination with doing laundry and cleaning...so again, Clean more frequently!!
18. Go through all my stuff and the word here is "Eliminate" the unnecessary stuff! I just know one day I'll have use for that english report I did way back in high school...I just know it!! Can we say Pack-Rat?
19. Rearrange my room
20. Buy a new car
21. Buy my first house!
22. Step up to technology....cell phone!
23. Whatever happened to that guitar I was going to get? Back on the list again!
24. Pay my quarterly taxes....shhhh...he's no uncle of mine...he's not even chinese!! hahaha
25. Let go of the idea that I'm going to get married on the coolest date of the year, February 29, 2000...I asked my magic 8 ball and it said: Can not predict now Magic 8 ball is so funny....it hasn't been wrong yet!
26. No more procrastination..."just do it" was last year's slogan. Perhaps this year it should be appropriately sloganed "do it now".
27. Expand my business....choices...make a decision and stick with it!!
28. Keep up with this journal...last year's journal lasted three months...let's beat that record!
29. Start a dream journal online....hmmm...exploring my subconscious mind online...hmmm...might not be a good idea.
30. Shrink the resolution list for next year...not expand it!! Last year, 20...this year, 30! Maybe I should've limited to 10.

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