For the month of May, 1999
May 17, 1999
Holy shit, I'm updating my journal! After a good month and a half of neglect, I'm finally back! My memory is so bad, I couldn't possibly backtrack and recall anything specific that I've done.....let's see if I can try!
For most of April, I did dedicate some serious time on my new website www.mytopsecrets.com which is my business site if anyone is interested. I really buckled down and made it happen.....now I'm thinking of expanding! Things have been soooooooo unbelievable lately! If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd be at this point in my life, I would've laughed in their face! No lie!
Here's my sob story again...in 1997, I was at the lowest point of my life. I was sooooo depressed =( Grandma passed away....I quit my job.....I had like no money....debt up to my ears...love life was all screwed up....life sucked but I was pretty numb through it all. When I look back on it now, I understand it a lot better than back then. I used to say stuff but it never made much sense to anyone else and I don't even think I knew what I was talking about. It was like being in the darkest, deepest hole with no desire to find a way out. I was just there.......physically. I was so detached from everyone and everything.....probably why I did some of the awful things back then. My spirit was dying and I didn't care. I had that constant empty feeling in my heart and it hurt soooo bad. As I'm writing this, I can feel it again and it's not pleasant. It feels like a huge weight is on my chest....a deep pain....so deep it touches the soul. It's not a physical pain.....
Anyway...I'm rambling on again. I guess I can do that since I hadn't written for over a month! It literally took me about 9 months to get out of my depression and I truly believe that music was the only thing that sustained my life through it all. With my new found enlightenment, I can say that I really did die back then. I know I used to say that I felt like I was dead but now I know I really was......spiritually that is.
I really can't recall what I did during those 9 months....it was as though my spirit left my body and when I learned all that I needed to learn, my spirit returned and I was literally 'born again'. I needed time away to heal and grow stronger. Now that I think about it, the out of body experiences would actually account for all the times I can't remember....hmmm....
Yes I know I'm weird and a mind reader too! hahhahha. I really did some horrible stuff back then but I really didn't care. It was the strangest thing, one day I just felt better. Didn't really understand what had changed but things did. The way I felt was different. I just knew things had changed....and then I went through a period of time remember all that stuff I did and it literally made me question myself. It was like I woke up and I couldn't believe what had happened while I was asleep. I remember getting all confused when the memories started flooding back and so often, I was saying, "What the fuck was wrong with me?"
WOW....revelation just now! damn I miss writing in this journal....that's not the revelation! Writing just helps me make things clear. Just now, I realized how much of what I wrote in the above paragraphs make sense to me! Maybe it's not early childhood drinking that's caused my bad memory afterall. Maybe I'm further advanced in my astral traveling than I thought.....perhaps I've taken flight from my body all along since I was a little kid. I know I don't go through a day without questioning where I was at some point or another. I know I can't account for a lot of my time especially when I was younger. What I hate is when friends I've known for a long time will get together and start reminiscing about events and everyone's got a Weird Jean story to tell but I won't remember it. So then I'd be like....Was I there? I'd really try hard to recall but I always draw a blank or it's real vague.....then I'm left questioning where I was that whole time. This new revelation makes a lot of sense!
For once I'd like someone to not look at me weird when I start philosophying about life...especially when it's my life...hahhaha. Sometimes I wonder if other people think about this stuff too but then I would hope that I'd find those people by now. Like attracts like, right? I seem to attract weirdos....ahhahhahhahhahhahaa just keep weeding 'em out.
So April I worked really hard on my website...hahahhahha....I did! I think I missed two weeks of concerts so I could get my website perfect! It was worth it cuz my site kicks ass....I'm on a streak of good luck lately and business is booming! Incidentally, it took my business 9 months to get to this point! I'm starting to notice a theme here. Ya know, according to my numerology calculations, I'm on a 9 year cycle and this year is my 9th year....meaning I'm trying to wrap up this phase of my life before I enter a new phase next year. It all makes total sense! You just don't know how much sense it all makes to me.
Something's changed recently.....things seem to be out of my hands. I feel like I'm standing still while everything else is spinning and twirling around me so fast. There's an abundance of energy circling me but it's not my doing. I feel like a higher force is taking over either where I hesitate to go for fear of making the wrong decision or because it's time. Whatever the reason, I feel ready to embrace it. I'm ready for whatever is to come my way....I'm not afraid to face my destiny.
I'm back....had to leave for a bit...chaffeur duty calls again! So things are great these days! Business is going well...I seem to be in high demand business wise. My debt is starting to strink! Those months (years?) of not being employed really hurt me financially....so what I won't make the "debt free by june" as I was planning but if things keep going the way it has been going, I'll definately be debt free by the end of the year and that's not too bad! I owe enough to buy a new car...hahahhhaha. I can't wait until the day I'm finally FREE. Everyday the burden is a bit lighter and one day I'll be able to soar through the sky and be completely content. Until then, I'll just live...
So things are well these days....hahahhahha. I think that no matter how serious I try to be, it's really not in my nature to go through life without making a joke or laugh at life's ironies. Life is too funny sometimes. I went to the beach two weekends in a row and then I went camping for the first time this season! My friend and i drove a good hour and a half to the western maryland mountains to go camping and met these guys that live 10 minutes down the road from me...hahhahhahhahhaa. Get this...the guys are like sitting there talking about how weird and lucky that was.....then proceeded to tell us how lucky we were cuz they just happen to have some 'herb' as the one guy put it. I was laughing soooooooooo hard and they were laughing cuz they thought that I was laughing because of my excitement or something but little did they know that my friend is a cop! hahhahahhahhha. So my friend was like....uh...I don't think I'll be doing that because of the line of work I do. So the happy guys are like.....what line of work do you do? and my friend was like...take a guess! the two guys look at each other and I couldn't take it anymore...I blurted out "she's a cop...hahhahahhahhahhha" Man, I've never seen smiles wiped off faces so fast in my life....hahhahahhahhahha....they had that "oh shit" look to them ....hahhahhahhaha. It was so funny! What's up with that divide and conquer strategy? I'm on to you guys and your tactics...hhahhahhaa. "let's go for a walk and we'll leave the other two alone" I DON'T THINK SO! hahahhahha. Talk about dysfunctional men....gotta kick the extra baggages to the curb! Sometimes I think we should separate the dysfunctional from the non-dysfunctional. I think that shit is contagious! I don't know how many times I've seen someone who is pretty sane get mixed up with a really messed up person. Eventually, the insane drains the sane and when a sane person's defenses are weaken, it's easy to fall into the trap of the insane. They are like parasites feeding off of your energy. They take and take and suck the life out of ya until there's nothing left. I read this book that called those ppl "psychic lice" hahhahahha....mmm...what a pleasant term but that's exactly what they are. They are around to spread havoc and wreak lives but only if you let them! See, if crazy people are with other crazy people, then there's no real chance of contaminating the sickness.....I mean, how can one go crazy when one is already crazy?!? It's that whole theory with "Like attracts like". I think that when a person keeps attracting the same type of person, they really need to examine themselves and their lives.....perhaps the way they live it. It's like misery loves company so to break from that, you must associate yourself with more positive people! That lecture is available on video for just $19.95 visa/mastercard accepted...hahhahhahhaa.
I'm sick of sitting on my ass....I need to end this and go work out or something. My butt is starting to go numb....hahhahhahha I'm gonna update periodically...maybe tomorrow I'll finish this cuz I haven't even delve into my love life....hahahhahha...
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