I am a little anxious about putting this on my site, because I am aware that my parents, church pastors and all manner of people who are near to me are reading this site and there is quite a lot of honesty in this entry. However, I am not afraid of the truth- the truth may unsettle a few people and in this case perhaps cause people to be cautious of me, but I value honesty above perfection and I hope that people will accept me with grace as a work-in-progress.

I've realised that while my life has evened out into a fairly calm phase recently, I've been less secure for the last week or 2 than at any time since I've been here and emotionally unstable to boot. Maybe things are wearing me down or maybe having a few things around to put my security in have left me unsure about what I should and shouldn't put my security in.

The net result is that for the last few weeks I've been disappointing myself on a regular basis- I feel more than humbled; I feel like I've humiliated myself in front of people I care about deeply. I hope that the ones that know me well will recognise this as out-of-character and think better of it. I have no assurance that they will, but I sincerely hope they do- I need those friends at the moment.

I'm cautious about sharing this following section because I feel I could look crazy, but feel like I don't really have much to lose.
Last night, lying half-awake, sobering up from a meal where I mixed my drinks and suffered the inevitable consequences, I had a really strange moment. I don't know what happened- I was thinking more about getting to sleep than my behaviour- but an emotion came over me that I'd associate with infidelity.
I didn't feel that I'd been unfaithful to anyone, nor did I feel that someone else had been unfaithful towards me, but I recognised the feeling as if I were contemplating it and it was horrible; it was sickening.
It felt like a mixture of apathy towards someone and latent hate or disregard for them; that my desire for someone or something they love was far more important than the person whom it would affect; that they were almost worthless to me.
It felt like a hugely lonely place, that God wasn't there at all and I felt very scared.
I had a sense that I was at a crossroads- not in the general sense in which you always decide whether you will do things God's way or not, but that I could choose to stay with God or forever leave Him behind.

Let's be clear- this wasn't a breakdown; I wasn't crying into a bottle of whisky or looking for a deep revelation in my life- it just came to me from somewhere. I won't say it came from God, because it seems a little arrogant to say "God spoke to me last night", especially in this way, but at the same time, I couldn't say the experience came from my head, because it didn't fit into the train of thought that was running through my mind at the time- I'll let you speculate on the influence of alcohol on the events, but suffice to say, if it was a "bad trip", it's done me a lot of good.

I lay awake for some time after the sensation died away, thinking about what I'd felt and praying that God would help me in whatever way I needed (I didn't know what). After what might have been half an hour or an hour or maybe more, I began to feel reassured and safe again and I started to plan how I will behave myself from now onwards. I'm cautious not to put to much confidence in this new start, given my recent instability and the possibility that it could fade away with a mood swing, but the fact I feel the same way this afternoon as I did before I went to sleep is a good start.
The people around me are another matter, however- though I haven't actively betrayed anyone's trust since I've been here, I feel that they may have good reason to be suspicious of my intentions until I have suitably redeemed myself, and I suppose that is the consequence of how I've been behaving. It's hardly a sound mitigation, but I sincerely hope that people will take into account the circumstances in which I've slipped into this behaviour and be willing to afford me a second chance.