All time classics from Saturday Night Live News Anchor Norm
McDonald...
"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay
LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....
LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her,
'the greatest teacher of all time!'"
"David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in unabomber defendant
Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1 million reward with the
bombing survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the
bombing victims, and the other $600,000, he will blow on whores and
cocaine."
"In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old
daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that
damaged
seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my
theory--women can't drive."
"This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen
DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage,
today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really,
really, really, REALLY gay."
"Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with
the pop star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father
again so soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to
lose his looks."
"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips, says that her talk
show will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat
her guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."
"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week: 'Happy
birthday, Jesus.. hope you like crap!'"
"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law
allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law?
THE DEER."
"Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software
giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and
she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars
per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates
will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."
"Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently.
He now leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing
three people at once."
"Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new
survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for
minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes.
Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to
100% because the math was done by a woman. [Crowd groans.] For those
of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was
written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you?
[Laughter] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."
"O.J. Simpson did not spend Mothers Day with his children. When
asked about it, he replied, 'Duh! Because I killed their mother!' "
"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a
world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did
warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted
that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone
notes for 45 minutes."
"The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird,'
just came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret
message by John Lennon when you play the song backwards. The message is
'This song sucks!'"
"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a
man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman
is armed and extremely fat."
"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help
people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."
"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been
trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the
address 'woof, woof.' "
"Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage
were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this
story: Hammer has an entourage!"
"Magic Johnson has received a $900 000 retainer to write a book
on how not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me."
