THE SCAB'S PAGE OF WOMAN INSULTS

What do 1000 battered women have in common?
None of them will "shut up and listen". 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this". 
What do women and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them right you can walk all over them for 50 years! 
How are women and tornados alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
How many chauvenists does it take to open a bear can?
None because the bitch better have it open when she hands it to you! 
Q, How do you give a woman an orgasm ?
A, Who cares ! 
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 2, one to screw it in, one to suck my dick 
Q: What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch. 
Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina.
Q: What do women & condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate. 
Q: What's the Most intellegent thing to come out of a Woman's mouth ???
A: Einstein's DICK !!!!
Q: Why don't women fart?
A: Their mouths are never shut long enough to build up any pressure.
Q: What's the best thing about receiving oral sex from a woman?
A: Ten minutes of silence....
Q: How do you fuck an ugly woman????
A: Cum in your hand and throw it at her!!!!
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we give a shit.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes...
Nothing, you've already told her twice 
What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her 
Why did God give women pussies?
So men would talk to them. 
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island when one finds a magic lamp (as you do). they rub the lamp and a genie pops out, giving each of them a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 25% smarter so I could get off this island"
*POOF* she turns into a redhead and swims off the island
The second blonde sees this and says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I could get off this island"
*POOF* She turns into a brunette and makes a raft from the trees on the island and sails off.
The third blonde sees this and says "I wish I was 100% smarter so I could get off this island"
*POOF* she turns into a man and walks across the bridge. 
A TRUE STORY, THAT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE
One day I had planned to move my large aquarium down into the basement.
When I told my wife of my plan she replied "It's too damp for the fish down there!" 
 Why can't women ski?
Because there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom 
Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them  
 One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to  God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
 
 "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
 "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me  with
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm  just not
happy."
 
 "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
 "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food  and all
of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
 
 Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a  'woman'
for you."
 
 "What's a 'woman', Lord."
 
 "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and  beautiful
creature I have ever created.  She will be so intelligent that  she can figure
out what you want before you want it.  She will be so  sensitive and caring that
she will know your every mood and how to make  you happy. Her beauty will rival
that of the heavens and earth.  She will  unquestioningly care for your every
need and desire.  She will
 be the
 perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
 "Sounds great."
 
 "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
 "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
 She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your  left
testicle."
 
 Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern  on
his face. Finally Adam says to God,
 
 "Uhhh, what can I get for a rib?"  
Q: Why do men bring flowers to women when they're in the hospital?
A: Because a bale of hay is too big (or heavy)
Q: Why did god give women a pussy?
A: Because one mouth isn't enough  
Why do women get periods ?
           They deserve them !! 
Q. Why don't woman need to wear watches?
A. Because cookers have clocks on. 
Q. An intelligent man and An intelligent woman and Father Christmas are
walking down the street, when all of a sudden they spot a fifty
pound/dollar bill. Who pick it up?
A. The Intelligent man, as the other two don't exist.  
 what does wife stand for
washing, ironing, fucking,etc  
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side. 
Q. Whats the best thing God ever did?
A. He invented pussy.
Q. Whats the worst thing he ever did?
A. He put women in charge of it.  
100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! :-)
 -----------------------------------
 (No offense intended or implied)
 1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
 3) You know stuff about tanks.
 4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 5) Monday Night Football.
 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
 8) You can open all your own jars.
 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall
     at every shot of somebody crying.
 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
 13) All your orgasms are real.
 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
 15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
     the boards).
 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
     you go.
 17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
 19) Your last name stays put.
 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
     everyone secretly hates you.
 22) You can kill your own food.
 23) The garage is all yours.
 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
 27) You never have to clean a toilet.
 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
     still be your friend.
 32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
 34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
 38) You can write your name in the snow.
 39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
 41) Chocolate is just another snack.
 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
 44) Flowers fix everything.
 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry
     about what people will think.
 51) Foreplay is optional.
 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's
     coming by.
 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
 59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever
     thinking "He must be mad at me".
 60) The world is your urinal.
 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's
     about to leave you.
 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
 64) One mood, all the time
 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
     like him.
 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
     one's just too skeevy.
 67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
 69) Same work...more pay!
 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
     adjustment.
 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
     population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
 79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
     little gift.
 81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
 84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
     tell your other friends you've changed.
 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
     just might become lifelong buddies.
 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
     in the mood.
 92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a
     hammer or throw it across the room.
 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
     anniversaries.
 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with
     them.
 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
     anything different?"
 99) Baywatch
 100) There's always a game on somewhere.
 10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY :-(
 -------------------------------------
 1) You have to take out the garbage.
 2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
 3) No sofas in your restrooms.
 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
 5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
    you're not allowed to cry.
 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
 8) You have to wear ties.
 9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
 10) "Women and children first."  
How do ya turn a fox into a pitbull?
Marry her  
  When do you know when a lady is going to say something intelligent?  The first few words out of her mouth are, "a man once told me.... 
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
 
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
  If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want sex too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend to much time in your wallet and not enough time on your DICK  
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information in a computer once. 
Why are women like rocks?
A:  You skip the flat ones. 
Why did the woman cross the road?
A1: Who cares, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen?
A2: Because I told her to.
Why did she come back?
(snap your fingers)
Why do women have arms?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a toilet clean?
What do you do if the dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her.
What is the difference between a cunt and a pussy?
     A pussy is soft, warm, and inviting, and a cunt is the person who
owns it.
Latest scientific tests prove that beer contains small amounts of
Oestrogen, in trials 100% of males who were given 10 pints of beer began
talking crap, became emotional and couldn't drive.
Simple Rules Chick's Don't Know.
 
Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Don't make us guess.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present once again.
Pub conversations usually involve sport, cars or the latest computer game
and not women, except a passing mention to the office babe with big
tits/tanned legs/pert butt.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other
cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad
probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a
calendar.
Share the bathroom.
Share the closet.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
Construction of St. Paul's Cathedral, The Golden Gate bridge and the Sydney
Opera House are simple every-day tasks, washing and ironing are more
difficult.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Taking things apart is easy, putting them back together however takes longer
and there's bound to be something left over at the end.
Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank
range. We're bound to miss sometime.
Check your own oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation and carburettors.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like a Baywatch babe, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you
are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not
both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you
saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.
Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.
SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE A WOMAN 
1. You're a Bitch
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get
pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves
parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this
behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the
evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so
you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines
because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big
deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with
me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal
to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is
possible!"
6. Whine
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from
your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep
it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past
boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar he likes
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when
paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes,
etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about
your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of
your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend
must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must
be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is
given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break
up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering
for the next month just to rub it in
What does every feminist in this world need?
     A good man to smack some sense into her.
Home (hopefully)
 
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