Star Gazing

Part five.

This time, things just got personal.

It was exactly one week from the last time I spotted Zac spying on Mira and Tay. To my delight, Zac hadn’t been waiting for us, at the kitchen table. Watching and waiting. He was actually nowhere in site. This was good, it gave me time to cool down. In those seven days, I was thinking how I had jumped to conclusions. I was thinking how Zac wasn’t really spying, he just happened to be there. I was thinking a load of crud.

Now as I sit in front of Mira and Tay, Zac sits in front of me. Well not exactly, but I can still see him through the window reflection. Now he wasn’t even hiding the fact that he was watching. There wasn’t any comic in front of him, only a glass of coke. Gee, he was only missing the popcorn, then it would seem more like a real theatre.

Mira didn’t seem bothered by his watching, she got it all the time with me. She had learnt how to ignore and forget. Taylor on the other hand was getting pretty peeved. Yep, Taylor and I both.

“Piss off Zac. Go play with your teletubbies or something,” was what he said when he realized Zac was watching them. Thankfully he didn’t say anything like that to me, but hey I’m a guest. Then again, I was part of the package, if he wanted Mira, he got me too. I think he realized that the second day Mira and I met up with him.

Or maybe, he had just learnt to ignore me. Like everyone else.

Back to Zac, he was still getting on my nerves. And not only what he was doing, it was just him. His mere presence. How can I put it? It’s like the stain on Taylor’s shirt from yesterday. You know it’s there, even if you don’t look at it. You know it’s there, even if it doesn’t make noise. You just know it’s there. And it annoys you to bits.

You know HE’S there. Watching, spying, observing - taking my job. He was stealing my status.

****

Now, another two weeks having passed, I still can’t get over the fact. The fact that Zac had set up his own ‘Star Gazing telescope’. Everyday that we came now, he had already settled himself down at the kitchen table. Zac had become nearly just as bad as me, watching the two from dawn to dusk. Well, while we were at his place, anyway.

Then, something happened.

It started when Mira asked Tay where the toilet was. Believe it or not, out of the month that we’ve came to the Hanson’s house, we’d been nowhere apart from the lounge. We’d never set foot where we didn’t need to, we weren’t nosey people… most of the time. Anyway, the point being that Mira had to have a pee (AN. I put it nicely didn’t I? ) and Taylor had to show her where the facilities were. I sure as hell wasn’t about to follow Mira into the loo, now that would just be too weird. So, I stayed put.

Zac and I were the only ones in the ‘room’. Well actually he was in the kitchen and I in the lounge, but they were adjoined. There was nothing for Zac to stare at anymore - he left. This meant he was watching Mira and Taylor!!!... for sure I mean.

Oh, I could feel my heart beating faster and I was getting majorly annoyed, angry and exasperated.

“Hey!” I called out. Zac turned around, highbrow. “So it talks.”

“Yes, I can talk!! I’m not dumb, you idiot. Now, why the fu… do you keep staring at Tay and Mira. You just sit there and do nothing!!!” I could feel my face burn when he simply said, “Speak for yourself.”

Unlike myself, he used no emotion. I spat out, “I have a reason!” Zac, being the jerk that he was, just smirked. I gave him the peace sign, backwards.

Zac rolled his eyes and recited poshly, “You have no life. It’s so sad, you follow your poor sister around wherever she goes. It’s one thing to respect and admire your elders, but this is something else. You should leave her alone, you bitch.” Okay, so the last thing he said wasn’t so posh.

It turned out that Tay waited for Mira outside the bathroom and they walked back together, into the room. This meant that I couldn’t snap at Zac for what he said. This pissed me off, no end.

I still glared at Zac. But, I no longer did it through the reflection of a window. It was more direct. It takes two to fight, as Zac glared right back.

So it happened. My hate for Zac was no longer internal, I did not hold back. Zac, learned to hate me or maybe he already did from the first time he saw Mira and I. It sure seemed like it.

No matter how childish it might seem, but every time Mira and Tay weren’t looking at us, we would give each other the finger. Or, other sign language disses.

But, to me it wasn’t a game. My hate for him was growing each day. It seemed that we loved to hate each other. Because, I couldn’t express my hate for him other than with my fingers, I had… static hate. It just escaped me whenever it had the chance, when Mira wasn’t near.

I wore shades, but you couldn’t tell that I was glaring. My eyebrows were not arches. Zac, unlike me, didn’t glare with narrowed eyes. They were wide open. His eyebrows were normal. You couldn’t really tell he was glaring, but I knew.

****

The next time I could snap at Zac was when Taylor and Mira went to answer the phone together and I thought it would be silly to follow them.

What I said was more of a whisper. “Quit staring at me! Piss off.” His answer was, “It’s my house.” It sounded oh so much like a little primary school quarrel. Despite the fact that we both were in high school. Also, if you heard the way we were whispering, you might change your mind.

I hated him so much as humanly possible. The bible is against hating, but I couldn’t help it. I started to tell him just how much I hated him. Juvenile yes, but none the less satisfying. “I ha-” I couldn’t finish it off. Taylor and Mira had finished their phone-call-answering. I pursed my lips, annoyed I couldn’t diss Zac.

Zac looked at me and said aloud. “You’re so pathetic. Just talk you dick. The way you shut up every time your sister nears, it’s so piss annoying. You just want attention!” Then he slumped out of the kitchen.

I was shocked, angry and humiliated. That was the first time Zac had talked while Tay and Mira were in the room, as well as I. As for being angry and humiliated, well that just spoke for itself.

There was an awkward silence. I thought that I could feel their eyes on me, but I dared not look. Instead my eyes stayed firmly on the floor.

Thankfully, Taylor joked, “Ooookay. Now what’s for lunch?!” Nobody laughed but at least they (Mira and him) started talking again. I was no longer the center of attention, which was a good thing...?

It left me wondering. As Zac implied, was I doing this for attention? Am I that ‘piss annoying’? Truthfully now… I really hope he’s wrong.

****

Six trees, seven, eight, nine, ten… Wow, there sure are a lot of trees.

I was in the bus with Mira, on the way home. I kept thinking about irrelevant things ‘cause I didn’t want to think about Zac’s little speech. I really should start talking. Keeping quiet couldn’t be good for me, it just wasn’t healthy. Well I suppose there’s a good side to it, no one ever smells my morning breath. But there are endless ‘cons’. I wanted to talk, but after these few years I’d come accustomed not to. It was hard to break a habit. But was it too hard?

****

Two days having passed, I still hadn’t come to a decision. To talk or not to talk, that is the question.

It wasn’t so much a question if I had the ability to talk in front of Mira, but more of if I wanted to or not. It would change my life - dramatically. We’d probably go to a public school and I would lose my withdrawn personality. Did I want my life to change?… in that way?

Mira and I had gone to the Hanson’s both those days. Things carried on as usual, there was that same rivalry between Zac and I. It was kept as it was formally, silent. Zac didn’t suddenly burst out disses my way. That look was still on his face, the scowl staying on mine.

As much as I hate to admit it … I was going to the Hanson’s house to glare at Zac, rather than Star Gaze. I suppose I was still Star Gazing, but it wasn’t right. I wasn’t playing the rules correctly. It didn’t mattter though, giving Zac the bird was more important than staring at Tay and Mira at the moment. Zac was my enemy, sometimes enemies come before friends. Well, not usually, but in this case, they did.

I’d made up my mind. Glaring at Zac made me want to be able to talk in front of Mira, if only so I could swear at him. I would still follow Mira, it was my father’s wishes, but I wouldn’t deprive her of my voice.

I had no idea how I was going to do it. Just start talking one day? Build up to the event?… no… that would be trying to get attention.

I bit my lip. This was going to be harder than I though. Oh… and what if those words of Mira still stood, “Don’t ever talk back to me.” Would she hurt me again?… No, she wouldn’t, she’s not like that anymore… ?

I hate this. I want to be normal, I want to talk. I know, I’ll talk to her today…

****

Sitting on the couch next to Mira, I was about to say something. Something about Oprah? We were watching that show and Oprah was wearing another one of her wigs. I thought it looked good on her, and I wanted to tell Mira that. What do I say? ‘Oprah’s hair looks good.’ Gee, couldn’t I think of something better to say, I mean, it would be the first time I talked to my sister in two years?! It seems weird to talk about somebody’s wig.

Too bad Carrie. Just say it! She’s your sister, she won’t judge you. I started to talk, “Don-” I couldn’t do it. I ended up fake-coughing, to cover myself up.

It’s humiliating, I couldn’t even talk to my own sister. Why was I made up of so much crap? I wanted to end this big talking fiasco, live a normal life and not be considered by others as a freak!


Part six…

Stories