How to write Useless Bantering:
1) Sit down with a friend. Talk about everything known to man. Talk about nonsense, movies (especially Pacino, Marx's Bros., Andy Kubrick, Jack Nicholas, Clerks)
2) Make sure your friend smokes so you can constantly complain to him that he should stop. Get really into it and bring facts showing that his life span will be decreased cause of smoking. Complain also when he drags you outside to go smoke that you are freezing. Show him pictures of a cancer ridden lung. See how he reacts then...
3)Never start before midnight. It's kinda like a Gremlin's thing. BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN if you start before midnight. I've never started before midnight cause of the rumors like you can get sleep if you finish early, Layout will go easier, You can wake up for your classes on time, you keep regular hours like most humans and You don't go back to your room after the night clerks leave. At three in the morning, realize that you actually have to write this.
4) Bring all your favorite music. Definitely, a must have. Nirvana- "Bleach", "In Utero" or my choice of bootleg, Elevator to Hell- "Parts 1-3", Any Stone Temple Pilots album, Bosstones, Everclear (Which album, the first one or the second first one?), Melvins ( Theresa Screams), Cake or how about the awesome cover of "Come As You Are" by Laura Love?.
Sadly, no Aerosmith. My "friend" does not like them. How could you not like the greatest rock and roll band in the world? If he really was my friend...
5) Talk about our lovely girlfriends. Always a topic that consumes our lives. My dear Sarah starts to think I'm crazy after reading my column. (I don't blame her...)
6) Make four trips to the bathroom. Make sure that you are well drained.
7) Now that I'm all settled down and relaxed, I can begin to write. The actual content of this column is made up of many things. I let mind wander. Whatever pops into my mind is put to the paper. I pick and choose these random thoughts. I add excerpts of conversions. I grab words off things around the room. Example:
"Poison of choice. Lobbying takes the time of bitterness. Interfuse. Out of touch. Jagged little pumpernickel loaf. So real, surreal. Time vanishes as do children. Never seen again. Captured in emotion. Product of a generation in a time well lost. Exposed to the ebbing of everness. Without the realization of projected images on a grand old scale. Tougher yet, manhandling gets the loop of the noose. Keep it to your self. tighter yet... I hold the progress of mankind in my pocket, challenging all. Losers! Unseen, in the corner, death partakes in the struggles in the loser's fate. Empty shadows to fill. Many left alone. "
How easy is this? You try! If you having trouble, get wired on some JOLT and smoke some crack. They seem to get me through those rough times. When your arm starts twitching or you start to see flying pink elephants (Whichever comes first), you know you're ready.
You actually thought I'd tell you the secret to my column? If I did that, YOU could write my column and I wouldn't have a job. That would suck.
Note:
Sense the saracasm?
