SENSATIONAL DISCOVERY!
Dr. George Apfelsaft's New Language!
Famous communications expert Dr George Apfelsaft, of
St Oscar's College, Oxford, has made a sensational discovery in an
underground bunker beneath Trinity Music Room. It appears that a
written document has been discovered, dated 4.5 Billion B.C., in a now
extinct language known as quollangish. Intriguingly, given that there
are several references in the document to a queen of England, or a
twibble of Poodle-glick, in the original quollangish, the document
appears to strike at the very core of our culture. The phrase "The
Queen's English" is a fallacy. The official language of the crown, and
of all British subjects, is quollangish, and we are Quollangi. (The
singular: I am Quollangus. Investigations by Dr Apfelsaft are still
very much in progress, however he has divulged one, perhaps rather
startling fact: that every paragraph of written quollangish ends with
the word "Tuesday." Dr Apfelsaft explains:
"Of course, ze vord 'Tuesday' does not haf ze same meaning in
quollangish as you uneducated fools may think. Quollangish is a rich
and subtle language, for a remarkably sophisticated people, oui?
"Tuesday" is a form of ritual statement of respect, which roughly
translates into English as: "Please do not kill me, or if you must, then
do it as painlessly as pozzible." Hic. Anyvay, ze vord 'Tuesday' is
most interwesting in der vay in vich it has been corrupted into its
meaning in the current English tongue."
Sadly, despite the almost glaring clarity of Dr Apfelsaft's ideas, it
seems that the linguistic community is unprepared to accept his
groundbreaking research. They question the dating of the document,
despite the fact that "4.5. Billion B.C." is clearly printed on the
header. This criticism seems unfounded and unjust, but Dr Apfelsaft is
used to such ill treatment, and takes it all in his stride.
George Apfelsaft was born in 1997, and had an unhappy early life as a
goldfish. His first job was as a general scientific advisor to such authors as
Steven Baxter, Jeffery Archer, and Zirquon the Exterminator, however he resigned after an SF writers'
convention during which, in an episode which frightens him even now,
Michael Marshall-Smith attempted to eat him. Escaping by the skin of
his fins, George vowed to make sure such a terrible thing could never
happen again. Firstly, he made use of genetically modified food in
order to change species. Having become a ring tailed lemur, which he
supposed would pass for human in most SCR common rooms, he proceeded to
devote his life, which, as a side effect of the chemicals he had
consumed, was now measured in terms of eternity, to the enlightenment of
the human race, to discovering all that he could about their means of
communication. Despite an unhappy piscine childhood, George
believes that eventually the world will come to accept quollangish as
the one true language.
"I have a dream," Dr Apfelsaft says "of standing in a hall filled with
people, all talking quollangish. One of them stands up and gives me the
Noble prize for peace. She gives a speech. Of course, it is in
quollangish and a feature of this language is that every different
individual has there own, mutually incomprehensible dialect, so no one
knows what she is talking about, but I know at that moment that it is
all my work, that the whole world is speaking the first language, and it
is all my fault. There will be obstacles, but they will be overcome.
Nothing in the world can stop me now."
We asked Dr Apfelsaft to give a few closing words to this article. This
is what he said:
"Quollangiousness imgeria vibble pebble-bildersnatch yellow de hofsingler
quoll abregnidigigio reve tureen washerpop vewir vweis Quollangi.
Tuesday."
Squooble linky yellow.
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Quarble beeleep soup "main page" regnoblatt Tuesday.