BEER JOKES
Drink Fast
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!
Honey
My wife came with instructions. Plenty of instructions. She instructed me on how to do everything all over again. And she was quick to point out all my faults. I only came with two instructions......to show her how to use a beer opener...and how to pick up the empties.
One of the Best
True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
Beer Bottles
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
Who Is That?
a guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success. A policeman happens to pass by. "hey whats the trouble mister?" "I cant get the damn key in the lock" says the man. The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way. the drunk shouts "wait wait, I really appreciate it, let me show you my house!!" "No no, I'll just be on my way"says the cop. "no no just a second, I really want to show you!! So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "there's my tv, my stereo and all that" says the man. "thats nice" They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?" kids bedroom, "those are my 2 baby boys" "yes, they look cute" finally the mans bedroom "that there's my wife, and thats me next to her."
Drinking and Driving
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the drinking-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys into 5 different cars before his own. Then he sat in the front seat of his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else had left the bar. The police officer was just sitting and waiting for him. The officer was so excited to be stopping this drunk! He stopped the driver and read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He even offered medical assistance if he was ill. The driver just smiled at him and said that all was fine. It's just that officer I must confess I was just the designated decoy for the evening!!!
Beer on The Job
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.