You don't know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight
You dont know how long I have waited
And I was gonna tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone...
~Heart
~Alone
Jade sat on her living room sofa, dismally surveying her tiny house as though she had never seen it before. Since when had it ever seemed so lonely? So lifeless? It had seemed so perfect seven years ago when she and Spencer had moved in. Now she thought it was ugly...a testimony of everything she had failed at. Stark evidence of her ruined marriage. Not that its demise was entirely her fault...no matter how much Spencer wanted to believe that it was. Figures...that's the price she paid for marrying a man much too old for her. Hell, he had been 35 when she married him. What he had seen in her she had never known. Still, he'd spent six years with her...six long years of failing him miserably. Spencer had wanted one thing from her...the one thing she apparently couldn't give him.
They had tried for four years to have a baby. Two miscarriages in the first two years...and no more pregnancies after that. Finally, Spencer just gave up. He withdrew into himself, away from her. He thought she didn't know about the other woman...she let him think that she didn't or two years. When he finally confessed that his lover was pregnant, and that he wanted a divorce...it came as no surprise to Jade. He wanted no ties to her...and at 41, Spencer Stanton had left her with everything to start his life over with his 22 year old girlfriend. Jade let him go...she had detached herself from that relationship years before. The only thing that worried her was being left with the catering company that she and Spencer had started together.
Thank God for Annalise. The younger girl had a head for business...even at her young age. It was by chance that she encountered Annalise again. It had been years since she had last seen her...and Annalise had still been a child then. Annalise's mother was an old high school friend of Jade's mother...Jade remembered babysitting Annalise while her family visited Florida on vacation during the summer. When Michael Reso had called her two years ago to cater Annalise's 18th birthday party...she'd never imagined she'd be finding a business partner. Jade had given her job as part of the crew...but with her natural flare for paperwork and figures, Jade had put her in the office immediately. It seemed only natural for Jade to sell Annalise half of the company when Spencer left. Annalise was still paying her father back for that one.
Outside, the sun was shining bright in the sky, and for once...the Southwest Texas heat was bearable. It was truly a beautiful day, but Jade wasn't seeing any of it. In the month that had passed since she'd returned from Florida...her mind had been occupied with Howie. She couldn't keep her thoughts from drifting back to him. Looking back on it, she realized that she had been in love with him from the age of 15 on. She had supressed it for ten years. Ten lost years of holding that love inside of her..keeping it all her own. Why? Because she was afraid of jeopardizing their friendship? That had to be the reason. Howie had been the best friend she had ever had since the day she and her mother had moved in next door to his family when she was only five years old.
He was always there...no matter what. For years the unspoken rule between them had been to never acknowledge that they cared about each other. Their feelings were kept silent. Instead, they compensated by showing each other. When Jade married Spencer and moved away...it was Howie who congratulated her. When Howie started his career...it was Jade who encouraged him. When fame came knocking on his door...she stepped aside, happy that he was living his dream. She never wanted that mutual support system to end...she depended on it. How could she not? It had been a crucial part of her existance for 20 years.
But the feelings she had for him were tearing her up inside. Even when she had gotten married, those feelings had been there. She simply pretended that they didn't exist...that Spencer was the love of her life. It had really been an excuse to get away from Florida...from her mother. How many times had she deluded herself? It had to end somewhere. It had to end now. Everything had changed that one weekend in Florida. She loved him...she had to tell him. She couldn't keep living with it all to herself...it was finally breaking her down. Telling herself that she only felt this way as a result of finalizing the divorce was a lie, and she knew it. This wasn't some rebound thing. She knew now more than ever that she had been living with it for ten years. And now he was coming.
A week ago, he had called her. He had a week off from recording the new album...he wanted to see her. Nothing unusual in that request. They hadn't seen much of each other over the last five years...she could count the times on one hand. Jade couldn't go back to Orlando...she had too much work to do...instead, he was coming to her. She glanced at the clock on the wall...any minute now. The doorbell rang, and nervously...she stood up and crossed her living room.
She opened the front door...he was there, grinning at her.
"Hi," she said, smiling broadly, stepping aside to let him in.
He hugged her briefly, "Hey yourself."
The air was heavy with unspoken tension...the ease they had always had with each other was gone...things had definitely changed. Even their phone conversations over the last month had been strained and brief.
"How was your flight?," she asked.
"Fine...same old same old."
Their eyes met...endless seconds ticked by. She finally cleared her throat and resumed her place on the sofa. Following her lead, he sat down too...at the other end of the sofa...as far away from her as he could get. He had done a lot of soul searching in the past month...finally coming to a conclusion. He wasn't in love with her...not anymore. That was long gone. At least he had thought so. But sitting with her now...he didn't miss the electricity crackling in the air between them. There was Susan to think about too...dear God he still had to tell her about Susan.
"I think it's kinda obvious that we need to talk," he finally said.
"Yeah...I guess."
"Um...listen Jay...I don't know what happened...I'm still trying to figure that out but..."
"You don't have to say anything," she interrupted.
"Yes I do...I can't let things go on the way they have been. All of a sudden we're weird with each other..I hate that. So..."
"No...it's okay," she interrupted again. She knew what was coming...she didn't want to hear him say it.
Instead she smiled at him, "We aren't supposed to be talking about it anyway remember? As far as I'm concerned...it never happened. People make mistakes...it's no big deal." Her heart was breaking a little bit more with each word she said. Still, she wasn't going to make a fool of herself...especially not now. She'd pretend like everything was normal..for her own peace of mind..she had to.
Howie didn't know why her words left him uneasy...he'd made up his mind. He ignored the feeling and smiled at her.
"We're okay then?"
"Of course...aren't we always?," she said.
He felt better...he always felt better if Jade was smiling at him. This was going a lot better than he expected it to. He was relieved that Jade obviously felt the same as he did. The conversation seemed to flow easier after that. They cooked dinner in her kitchen, teasing and laughing like they always did...talking about their neverending escapade to get AJ and Annalise together. Jade thought she deserved an Academy Award for the Oscar caliber performance she was putting on. There's nothing harder than smiling through heartache. And just when she thought it couldn't possibly get worse...he dropped a final bombshell on her. They were sitting in her living room after they ate, chatting about nothing in particular. When there was finally a pause in the conversation, Jade leaned her head back against the cushions, emotionally exhausted. She closed her eyes, suddenly feeling tired.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?"
"I met this girl about two weeks ago."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah...um...her name is Susan."
"And?"
"And...I'm not staying as long as I told you I would be. Susan and I...well...I really like this girl Jay. I think it could actually go somewhere. I want to spend as much time with her as I can."
"Does she know who you are?"
"She didn't at first...but she does now. She doesn't care."
Jade yawned, "Of course she doesn't care. What girl in her right mind would?"
"She's not after my money...if that's what you're implying. She was genuinely interested in me before she knew who I was."
I've been genuinely interested in you for ten years you moron.
"Anyway...I'm going back to Florida the day after tomorrow," he said.
That did it...Jade was simply too damn tired of maintaining the appearance...too damn tired of smiling when all she wanted to do was cry. She stood up abruptly.
"Well...I'm happy for you darlin'," she lied, "just be careful."
She started walking down the hall, trying hard to keep the tears from falling.
"You going to bed already?," he asked.
She swallowed hard, "Yeah...uh...I'm really tired. I'll see you in the morning."
Once behind the safety of her closed bedroom door, she finally cried. She sank down to the floor, leaning her back against he door. For the first time since she was a child, she held her head in her hands and cried...really cried. Her heart was sore. She'd heard about the women he dated plenty of times...it had never bothered her before. Of course, she hadn't always been on the verge of confessing her love for him. It didn't matter that she had heard it all before...what mattered is that it had never hurt so much. Now she didn't know if she could be as positive as she had been before. Howie's quest for the perfect woman had long since become legendary between the two of them. He was just too picky...keeping a steady girlfriend seemed to be impossible for him. This was probably just another flash in the pan. Still...she hurt all the way down to her toes. Jade finally picked herself up off the floor and dragged herself to bed.
She'd had such hope for tonight. Hope that maybe he felt the same way...hope that he loved her. Now she didn't even
care anymore...didn't care if he heard her crying...didn't care if he knew. Jade fell asleep that night feeling more alone
than she'd ever felt in her life.
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