Beneath the white fire of the moon
Love's wings are broken all too soon
We never learn
Hurt together, hurt alone
Don't you sometimes
Wish your heart was a heart of stone...
~Cher
~Heart of Stone
"So what are you planning to do now?"
Howie stared evenly at his best friend. Having spilled the whole story just moments before, it seemed like a natural question for AJ to ask. Howie shrugged and took another sip of his coffee.
"Go back to Orlando, end things with Susan."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that. Besides, I think Susie knew all along. I'm the only one who didn't know."
"Didn't know what?," Annalise asked, breezing into the kitchen, her hair still wet from her morning shower.
"D's in love with Jade," AJ supplied.
"Oh that...I knew that."
Howie couldn't stop the smile he gave her...had it really been that obvious? Annalise smiled back.
"So...I'm going to assume that something major happened last night," she said. At his nod, she continued, asking, "Then why the hell are you over here ruining the last full day I have with this one before he goes back to work for God knows how long?" She casually draped her arms around AJ's shoulders as she spoke, but she was still grinning as the words left her mouth.
"Hell if I know," Howie answered, "I snuck out this morning before Jade woke up...guess I just needed to clear my head."
"You left before she woke up? Oh Howie please tell me you didn't," Annalise groaned, resting her forehead against the table top.
"Why? What's wrong with that?"
"You've known her all her life...you know she jumps to the wrong conclusions all the time."
"Shit," he muttered, knowing all too well that Anna was right. Jade had a nasty habit of assuming whatever she wanted, and once convinced, she became the most stubborn person on the planet.
"Yeah no joke...you'd better get your happy ass back over there," Annalise said. "I have a feeling you're in trouble mister."
She couldn't have been more right. He felt the unease hanging in the air the minute he stepped back into Jade's little house. It was quiet...too quiet. He found her in the kitchen, sitting at the table with her hands curled around a steaming mug of coffee. Her eyes were a dull blue and she stared blankly at the tabletop, softly humming "Happy Birthday" to herself. He watched her wipe away bitter tears, knowing what she was thinking, and knowing that no matter what he said...he'd never be able to convince her otherwise at the moment. Not when she wasn't ready to hear it. She'd get over it eventually, he knew, and then they'd finally start building the relationship they'd both been dreaming about for so long. This was just Jade's stubborn way...he had seen it before and he knew how to handle it.
"Did you forget something?," she snapped when she finally noticed him standing in the doorway.
He tried not to smile...she was just too adorable with her lower lip pouting and her hair a wild red mess around her face. But he didn't smile, for fear of setting off her sensitive temper. "I didn't forget anything," he answered. "I left everything in the car last night remember?"
"Must have made running out this morning a hell of a lot easier for you. What are you doing here anyway? I figured you'd be well on your way to Orlando by now...back to her no doubt."
"Actually I'm going back with AJ tomorrow."
"Well...good for Sarah," she said, lowering her eyes.
"Susan."
"Whatever."
"Jay-"
Howie lost his voice when Spencer suddenly came strolling in the backdoor. He almost rolled his eyes...how could he have forgotten about Spencer?
Before he could stop himself, he blurted out, "Good Lord...what are you doing here?" Jade glanced up at him in suprise, shocked to hear the pure animosity in his voice.
"I live here," Spencer retorted, reacting purely to the hostility in the other man's voice, "what are you doing here?"
One look at the smug look on Jade's face was all Howie needed. She'd done this on purpose, and now that she'd gotten him to admit his love for her...she was throwing it back in his face. For Spencer. Howie had never thought it possible to get as angry as he was then. Had Spencer been there last night when he made love to her? Or had she made love to him in the bed she shared with another man? He suddenly felt sick...felt the instant desire to be as far away from her as possible.
He turned his cold gaze on her. "Goodbye Jade," he said, the clear implication that this would be the final goodbye evident in his tone.
"Goodbye Howie," she answered, not missing a beat, her voice icy. Hell, he was going to leave her anyway...why bother trying to hold on? It was probably better that he's misread Spencer's presence. She wasn't about to let him walk away without hurting as much as she was. For that reason only, she hadn't corrected Spencer when he stated that he lived with her. Let Howie think whatever he wanted. She was tired of playing games.
Still, when he slammed the front door behind him, she exhaled more than a few shaky breaths, trying to focus on the world spinning around her. Salty tears rolled from her face to splatter on the kitchen table...tears she wasn't even aware of. Why couldn't this all just end? For the first time in her adult life, she realized that she didn't want to love Howie anymore...didn't want this sickening feeling of dread and pain.
"Are you okay?," Spencer asked her softly, resting a hand on her shoulder.
She shrugged his hand away immediately, hating the pity in his voice. "I want you out of here today," she told him, not wanting any sympathy, least of all his. Her legs felt like lead as she walked to her bedroom, feeling every ounce of life draining from her body. Happiness seemed a world away...she found herself wishing that emotions could be turned off like water from a faucet. Damn it all to hell...she wanted to hate him, but she couldn't. And for that she hated herself.
Miserable, she stayed in bed all day, trying to understand his actions, as well as her own. Obviously they'd both made a mess of things. Now that she'd had time to calm down and think rationally, she realized that she'd jumped to he wrong conclusion...as usual, but hadn't he done the same about Spencer? Granted she'd deliberately led him to believe that she and Spencer were getting back together...but was it too late to explain? Probably. More than likely. Most definitely. God if she had only listened to him when he came back from wherever he had gone in early that morning.
But it was far too late now, she realized, watching out her window as the sun set. Instead of dwelling anymore on the negative side of things, she closed her eyes and slipped out of reality, reliving every aspect of the night before, remembering his words, his touch...it wasn't long before tears were streaming down her face again, but mercifully, she fell asleep. Just a few miles away, in a guest bedroom at Annalise's house, Howie's thoughts were still fueled by anger. How could she do this to him? How could she leave him feeling so damned...empty?
Yet even as he tried to blame her, he knew there had to been some sort of explanation. His mind refused to think badly
of her, despite what was so obviously in front of him. He'd just discovered how much he loved her, how much he
needed her...he simply couldn't let it go that easily. Time, he figured, would erase the agony...but he wondered if it could
completely erase her memory from his mind. His last conscious thought before sleep claimed him was that nothing...not
the hands of time, not even the resentment he felt...could possibly ever erase Jade from his mind. She was his heart...and
without her...he didn't know if he'd ever feel complete again.
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