I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me...if you don't
~Bonnie Raitt
~I Can't Make You Love Me
Howie stood nervously on Jade's doorstep. He glanced at his watch. It was 7:15 in the morning...she'd be leaving for work any minute now. His hands were shaking slightly. What was wrong with him today? Why was he so nervous? He raised his hand to knock on the door, but stopped as it opened before him. Jade stood there, digging around in her purse for her keys...looking immaculate in her little blue business suit. He immediately noticed the dark circles under her eyes...and the dangerous amount of weight she'd lost. He automatically felt miserable for not coming sooner. She found her keys and looked up, then took a step back in surprise. She stared at him, eyes wide.
"I had to come," he simply said.
"W-why?"
"Your voice...it didn't sound right."
She recovered, and gave him a smile...a rather fake one...but a smile nonetheless. "You came all the way out here for nothing...as you can see...I'm perfectly fine."
"Can I come in?"
"Oh God...of course! I'm sorry." She stepped aside and let him in.
"Look...I'd love to stay here and have a nice long conversation about my well being," she said, "but I have to work."
"Take the day off."
"I can't."
"You own the company...you can if you want to."
She sighed, "Hello? Come back from Pop Icon Land Howie...this is the real world, I have to go to work."
He winced, "Ouch. You only belittle my work if you're upset." He took her purse, her briefcase, and her car keys from her and carried them to the sofa. "Now call Annalise and tell her you're not feeling well."
"I can't...I have a wedding rehearsal today and a baby shower and-"
"Call her Jay...or I will."
"Howie-"
He took his cell phone out of his pocket and looked at her.
"This is ridiculous Howie-"
He started dialing.
"Good God...you're serious aren't you?"
"As a heart attack babe," he answered.
She glared at him then stormed into the kitchen. He stayed where he was, but her voice carried, and he couldn't help but smile as he listened to her.
"Anna? Yeah...it's me. I know...yeah it's at 5 today. That's what I was calling about. I feel like shit today...no, nothing serious...I have a fever though. Are you sure? Thanks...okay...I'll call you later tonight...bye."
Jade slammed the phone down and stomped back into the living room. Howie gave her a smug look.
"This better be good," she said.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I told you...nothing. You're getting paranoid in your old age. How was your birthday, by the way?"
"Don't try and change the subject."
She felt like screaming at him. The audacity of this man...to show up out of the blue at the ass crack of dawn to make demands? She could kill him! instead she flopped down on the sofa and glared at him.
"Go to hell Dorough," she snapped.
Howie rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, "God help me...she's resorted to my last name." She wanted to snap the smirk off of his face.
"I'm glad you find this so damned amusing."
"I'm just worried about you Jay," he said quietly, coming ot sit beside her.
"Well you can stop...I told you, I'm fine."
"You've lost weight."
"I have not."
"Yes you have...how much do you weigh?"
"Well that was delicate," she muttered, rolling her eyes.
"I'm serious Jay...you've lost too much weight. God sweetie...what is it?"
"Let it go Howie...please? I'm okay." Her voice was small, she sounded scared. His heart constricted in his chest.
Her shoulders slumped...she suddenly looked very tired. He was even more worried now. Whatever was bothering her was serious. He watched her...watched her sad eyes fill with sudden tears, watched her play with the ring on her finger...she was deeply upset.
"Jay?"
Jade looked at him, his big brown eyes so full of concern...for her. Her best friend, her guardian angel, her protector...and for a brief moment in time...her lover. Tears slipped over her cheeks, but she didn't care. She was tired of pretending, tired of thinking about him in the arms of another woman. In the week since his birthday...the birthday she had missed...she'd thought of little else. She was torturing herself...instead of moving on, she was hanging on...and it hurt...God how it hurt. She smiled through her tears and lifted her hand, lightly running her fingers down the side of his face.
"You're my angel," she whispered, "you know that? My heart, my soul..."
Thrown off guard, he could only stare at her. She trailed her fingers over his lips, then let her hand fall away. He watched in wonder as she held her face in her hands and started sobbing. The sound tore at his heart...he wasn't quite sure what just happened.
"Jay? Honey...what are you talking about?," he whispered, laying a hand on her shoulder. She immediately shrugged it away and jumped off the couch.
"Don't do that," she wailed, "Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me okay?"
He stood up, now thoroughly confused. "Jade? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You stupid bastard!," she shouted, "I hate you! I love you...Christ! Just go back to Orlando! Why did you come here anyway? You should've stayed with Little Miss Perfect! I was fine damnit! Do you hear me...I was fine!"
"You're not making any damn sense!," he shouted back. He kept his eyes on her hands...knowing from experience that it was best to keep an eye on them. He never knew when Jade would start throwing things...or try to hit him.
"Don't you get it? I love you...you moron!," she sobbed. She sank down to the floor at his feet, near hysteria. She thought she would feel better if she told him...but she didn't...she felt worse. Instead, she was beyond angry at herself. She hadn't meant to tell him, especially not while she was frustrated and mad. Now she wanted to curl up and die. At least she could blame it on the early hour. She wasn't a morning person.
A full minute passed before he knelt down beside her. He lightly touched her hair. "Is that what this is about?," he whispered. She kept her face hidden, refusing to look at him. She only nodded.
"Jay...we already covered this a long time ago...you know I love you."
She lifted her head and glared at him. "Don't get stupid on me now Howie," she mumbled. When he still looked confused, she groaned out of pure annoyance and frustration, then met his gaze evenly.
"No...I mean I. Love. You. Really love you...think about it," she whispered, still crying...hating herself and him with every passing second.
His eyes widened as everything dawned on him. "Oh my God," he whispered, "Jay..."
"Don't say anything," she told him, placing an index finger over his lips. "Just don't say it okay? I know where we are...and I know what...I just know alright? So don't say it."
He didn't say anything, not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. He kept hearing those words over and over again in his head...words that were ten years too late. If she had only said them ten years ago..if he had only said them then...maybe it would be different. But now...he didn't...he couldn't feel that way. God where had this come from all of a sudden? Why had it come now...when he had someone that he cared about...someone who cared about him because he was who he was, and not because of his celebrity status? He struggled to breathe as he stared at her. Memories flooded his mind. Jade...fifteen years old and bragging about losing her virginity, making him see red with rage and jealousy. Jade...seventeen and passed out drunk in the backseat of his car...one of the many times he'd had to rescue her from her own self-destructive tendencies. Jade waving goodbye as she left for good...left with another man. Her voice over the phone, crying for the babies she'd lost...crying because her husband was having an affiar...laughing because of something he'd said. Years after years of supporting her decisions and wiping her tears away. It was a split second decision...though not really much of a decision...he simply reacted to the storm of emotion surging through him. Gently he held her pale face and lowered his lips to hers. Jade was too surprised to respond at first, but she recovered her senses, only to lose them again as she slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. God it was even better sober...certainly better than she remembered. He had he softest mouth, the sweetest touch.
Flashes of light exploded behind her closed eyelids, she held onto him as if she were drowning. She wasn't quite sure how long it went on, she only knew that she never wanted it to end. She put every bit of herself into that one kiss...she had never left herself so completely open and vulnerable to anyone. There was magic behind that kiss. But it did end...with him pushing her away and backing away from her.
"No...Jade...this isn't happening okay? Just...no more," he whispered.
"You can't tell me you didn't feel anything," she stated quietly.
He shook his head, "No...no I didn't okay? I don't know why...I did that and I'm sorry but it's not right and I can't-"
"Denial...it's all denial," she interrupted.
He didn't know what to say. He sat with his back against the opposite wall across from her, staring at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips slick and rosy. Her hair fell loosely in shining red waves around her face, her blue eyes were bright. She looked like an angelic vision, sitting there with her small hands clasped, her tiny feet tucked beneath her, her wide eyes searching his.
"I'm sorry Jay," he whispered, "I....I can't...this is...I don't...love you...not that way."
She was still crying, he hated to see her like this. Jade's entire world was crashing down around her,,,he didn't love her. Still, there had been something in that kiss...why did he do it? He wouldn't kiss her like that unless there was something behind it. Tequila couldn't be an excuse this time.
"Then go home," she whispered sadly, "go home and don't come back."
"W-what?"
"Stay there...don't call, don't write...just leave me alone Howie."
"You can't be serious."
"I am serious. I need some time...without you."
Just the thought of living without him hurt more than anything else ever had...but it had to be done. Maybe if he lived without her, he'd realize that he did love her. Maybe that was wishful thinking. But she couldn't force it...wouldn't force it. If it was meant to happen, it would. She had been patient for ten years, a little longer wouldn't kill her. She got up off the floor and went to the front door. Howie followed her reluctantly.
"Jay, please don't do this."
"Just go...I can't take anymore of this today," she said, keeping her eyes lowered. It hurt to look at him.
He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly, "I'm sorry sweetheart. I never meant-"
"Out," she demanded, pushing him out the door, "I'll call you when I'm ready." She shut the door in his face. Her
mind was racing, struggling to remain optimistic. What if she was wrong? What if he really couldn't love her? Then
she'd use this time to let go of him. She was working herself towards panic. Calm down...deep breaths. God she
missed him already.
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