Indecision
Problems that took years to build and build
And admission is too far away
Life in a black out
Is like life in a storm
When you finally come out
You see that you're all alone
You got what you wished for
Is that what you really wanted?
~Sponge
~Rainin'
Howie glanced out the window at the passing cars driving by on the wet asphalt. It had finally stopped raining, the sun was peeking through the dark clouds. His eyes barely saw what was in front of him...his mind was miles away...with her.
"Howie?"
Susan's soft voice brought him out of his thoughts. His gaze met hers.
"Are you ready to order yet?," she asked softly.
He realized that the waiter had returned to their table, anxiously waiting for his order.
"I'm not really hungry," he said, flashing her a hollow smile. "You go ahead though."
Susan ordered, and as the waiter scurried away, she turned her worried eyes towards Howie again. His eyes held a far away look...she almost rolled her eyes right then and there. He only looked like that whenever he spoke to Jade. Susan didn't have an opinion of this elusive woman either way, but she hated when Howie looked like that. Why was this sweet man so hung up on this Jade person? She knew the answer...it was all over his face.
"Did you talk to Jade?"
"Yeah...this morning. She's pissed at me."
Big surprise there, Susan thought to herself. It seemed like Jade was always pissed at him for some reason or another. Susan couldn't imagine how anyone could get mad at Howie.
"Did you explain to her that this is the only time you'll have to meet my parents before they leave for Europe?," she asked.
"I tried...she hung up on me before I had the chance."
"Well, I'm sure she'll come around," Susan said cheerily, smiling at him. She always tried to look on the bright side of things. Howie was grateful for her attitude, but honestly...he wasn't in the mood to be there with her. He felt miserable. In all the time he's known Jade, he'd done his very best to protect her, he never wanted to hurt her. Lately, that seemed to be all he had been doing to her. Suddenly, he was living his worst nightmare...he was living without Jade.
He glanced at Susan...trying to smile, but realizing that her eyes lacked the spark that was always present in Jade's. Susan had kind eyes...but she lacked something. She was a warm person, but she was missing the fire that he missed in Jade. God what was he doing? Why was he comparing Susan to Jay? They were two different woman. Susan was sweet and patient and...and...so utterly boring he wanted to weep. He belatedly realized that he'd backed himself into a corner.
Susan wasn't stupid. It was only a matter of time until Howie realized what she herself had known for a long time. He was in love with Jade...Susan could easily see that. For months now, she had been trying to hold onto him, but she knew it was no use. Finally, she sighed heavily and sipped her wine. No point in delaying the inevitable. She simply couldn't stand to see him this miserable any longer.
"I want you to go see Jade."
"Susie..."
"Wait, don't say anything yet," she said. "Hear me out okay?" He nodded, Susan took a deep breath and continued, "Look...Howie, I really do care about you a lot, maybe I possibly even love you. I don't really know. But I do know that you're not really here...you've haven't been for weeks. I don't know exactly what's going on...but whatever it is...you need to go figure it out. Then come back, if there's anything left for me after you figure it out."
"I have figured it out," Howie insisted. "I figured it out a long time ago."
"You really believe that?," Susan asked skeptically.
"Yes...Jade is...well...Jade is just...she's..."
"She's what?"
Howie's eyes clouded with an unspoken sadness. He nervously fidgeted wit the edge of the tablecloth, picturing Jade in his mind as she was the last time he had seen her. He knew in his heart...he knew Jade...and he knew that she was making herself miserable. He couldn't stand it...he needed to be with her, to offer whatever comfort he could. Even if he wasn't in love with her...he still wanted her to know that he was still there for her.
"She needs me Suze," he said quietly.
Susan just nodded, "Then go. I'll still be hre when you come back." If you come back...
Howie took her hand across the table and squeezed it. "You are truly one of kind, you know that?"
Susan smiled, "Get out of here silly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jade slowly lost her grip on sleep as the loud beeps of her alarm clock sounded through her bedroom. She sat up groggily, lifting a hand to her throbbing head. She smelled bacon cooking and glanced at her clock. What the hell is going on here? It's five o'clock in the freakin' morning. Groaning, she stumbled out of bed and shakily walked into the bathrroom. She took two asprin, then located her robe hanging on the back of the door. She followed the comforting breakfast smells into her kitchen, where Spencer was at he stove. Spencer?
"What are you doing here?," she demanded loudly.
Spencer turned and smiled at her, "Good morning dear."
"Answer my question."
Spencer retrieved a carton of orange juice from the refridgerator and poured a tall glass for her. "How much of last night do you remember?," he asked as she took the glass from him.
"Not much," she admitted.
"Long story short," he said, "I need a place to crash for a few days...you said I could stay here."
"Where's he bimbo?," Jade asked, referring to the woman he had left her for.
"She's in Cancun...with her new boyfriend," Spencer replied, setting their plates on the table.
Jade started laughing...she just couldn't help it. "I'm sorry," she said between giggles.
"No you're not," Spencer said, smiling at her. "Can't say that I blame you."
She chewed thoughtfully on a piece of bacon. "Listen...Spencer...I was really plastered last night. If I said you could stay here...well...it was only because I was thinking with a clear head. And I'm sorry...but you just can't stay here Spence."
"I had a feeling you'd say that," Spencer said. Jade sat back and studied him. He had just passed his 43rd birthday, but Jade noticed that he suddenly looked much older than that. His blonde hair was streaked with gray, he looked just plain worn out. She felt nothing but pity for him. He'd changed a lot in the two years since she'd last seen him, and as far as Jade was concerned, he'd gotten exactly what he deserved.
"Please Jade? It would only be for a few days. You won't even know I'm here...the I'll be gone and I won't bother you again."
"I just don't think it's a very good idea Spencer," she protested.
"Look...the bitch took everything okay? Is that what you want to hear? She ran me into the ground then took my son and ran off with this other guy. I don't have anywhere else to go."
Jade sighed...it was too damn early to be dealing with this. "Fine...but I want you out of here tomorrow. It's my birthday and I don't want to spend it with my ex-husband hanging around."
"Thank you Jade...you always were my good girl."
"Say that again and I'll toss you out of your ass right now," she snapped, remembering other times when he'd said those words to her. She left without another word to him, storming to her room to get ready for work. When she came out, dressed in a smart burgundy business suit with her hair pulled into a severe bun, Spencer was behind the closed door of the guest bedroom.
"I want the dished done before I get home!," she called out before leaving the house.
Once behind her desk at work, and with a strong cup of coffee in front of her, she sat back and thought of what she had just done. Had she actually agreed to let Spencer stay in her house? After everything he had done in the past? Good Lord...she could already hear Howie's disapproval in her mind. Wait a minute...why did she care what Howie thought? He had better things to do than worry about her...he had little miss perfect. Besides, if she wanted to allow Spencer back into her life, if even for one day...it was her business. Screw Howie.
She somehow managed to make it through the day, though she stayed late...reluctant to go home. She didn't want to deal with Spencer. It was pouring rain outside, not helping Jade's dismal mood. There was nothing left on her desk, she sat staring into space, reluctantly thinking of Howie. His face was an image burned into her mind. God she missed him. And he was probably cuddled up somewhere with her. When tears started flowing down her face, she didn't wipe them away. It hurt too much...everything hurt too much. She was still sitting there, staring blankly with tears flowing down her face when AJ strolled into the room.
"Hey Jade," he called happily, "I'm on my way to stop in and surprise Anna so I thought I'd say...Jade are you okay?"
She lifted her watery green eyes to meet his, then shook her head slowly. "I'm not okay," she whispered.
Concerned, AJ stepped closer to her, asking, "What happened? Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head, crying harder. Not knowing what else to do, AJ wrapped his arms around her loosely, letting her cry on him. "It's okay," he whispered, lightly stroking her back. "Whatever it is can't be that bad."
Jade listened to his soothing words, reveling in the comfort he gave. She so desperately needed it. She cried tears of anguish on his shoulders, her heart aching for him to be someone else. She closed her eyes, trying to delude herself. When she opened her eyes, he was staring back at her, and before she gave herself time to think of what she was doing, she leaned up and kissed him full on the mouth. Jade wasn't even aware of what she was doing really...she was simply searching for a comforting touch.
She was brought out of her muddled thoughts by the feel of cool air on her chest. What in God's name was she doing? Real good Jay...seduce your best friend's man. Her cheeks flamed red with embarrassment. Instead of acknowledging the entire incident as her fault, she shoved herself away from him and slapped AJ across the face. It was easier to blame him than except her own inner demons.
"God no wonder you and Howie get along so fucking well!," she shouted. "You're just like him...trying to take advantage of a girl when she's down. At least he waited until I was drunk!"
AJ held his hands up in defense, saying, "Woah...look, I don't know what your problem is Jade...but it's not with me okay?"
"Oh go to hell!"
"Okay...I'm gonna go now," he said, frustrated. "If you mention this to Anna-"
Jade looked at the pained expression on his face. God she felt like such a bitch. AJ clearly loved Annalise...who was she to ruin that? "I won't," she said, her voice monotone with misery. AJ nodded, relief flooding his face.
"I hope you feel better Jay," he said quietly, then left the room. Jade lowered her forehead to hte cool surface of her desk, still crying. What had she done to deserve this? Why was her life falling apart? Why was she trying to drag everyone else down ith her? She was the only person left in the building...yet she still didn't want to go home. Instead, she switched the overhead light in her office off, until the only illumination in the room came from the small lamp on her desk. She just sat and stared out at the rain. Howie found her there when he walked into her office an hour later.
"Why is Spencer at your house?," he demanded, leaning in the doorway...expecting a fight.
To his surprise, she lifted huge tear filled green eyes to meet his. His heart dropped to his stomach, leaving worry to curl in his gut. Dark circles played beneath her eyes, red patches stood on her cheeks, her skin was pale...her nose bright red. She had obviously been crying this way for a long time. She just looked like total hell. Jade saw him there...the object of her affection and animosity. It was as if God had answered her prayers and sent him to her. She came out of her chair slowly and padding across the carpet until she stood in front of him. He reacted quickly, pulling her to him roughly...wanting to make her better again. Her arms settled around his waist, he felt her hot tears against his throat.
"Did he do something to hurt you?," he whispered. Jade shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. He was there..nothing else mattered. Instead, she clung to him, trembling, savoring the feel of the warm embrace she had needed so badly.
"What are you doing here?," she finally asked, her words muffled against his chest.
He wanted to question her about Spencer, but at that moment, holding her to him...it just didn't seem right. It was too surreal, too precious...she was holding onto him as though she was clinging for dear life. He couldn't bear the thought of upsetting her further. His fingers loosened her hair, freeing it, sending the lusicious red mass spilling over his hand. He inhaled its familiar apple scent deeply,
"Happy birthday," he whispered, brushing a feather-light kiss against her forehead. Jade's lips curved into a soft smile.
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