How am I supposed to ever feel the same?
These kinds of situations always have a way
Of screwing up your mind and messing with your sanity
How many days and nights will have to come and go
Before I realize what I already know...
~Pat Benatar
~Strawberry Wine (Life Is Sweet)
Jade rolled over in bed...and slammed right into someone. Her eyes fluttered open, she blinked a few times, trying to clear her head. She looked over the sleeping figure beside her...familiar dark curls spread out on the pillow, a naked tanned chest...oh good Lord. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying that when she opened them again...she'd find herself alone. Reluctantly, she peeked. Nope...still there. She glanced around the room...noting the empty tequila bottle on the floor, his clothes tossed carelessly over the desk chair. What was her bra doing on the ceiling fan? God she thought she had been dreaming...it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
It all came back to her...vividly, like black and white to sudden color. They had been celebrating...what had they been celebrating? Not that they ever really needed a reason to celebrate. It didn't matter...she could remember the countless shots of tequila and ten years of secret desires working against her. She remembered earlier the day before...Annalise trying to wake her up to go to Disney? Was that it? Then Anna had left with...AJ. That's right...that's what they were celebrating. It seemed that Annalise was finally starting to warm up to AJ. She and Howie had assumed that their mission was accomplished...then they had busted out the tequila and...then what? Oh God that's right...she had perched herself on his lap and begged him to take her to bed. How utterly mortifying. She blushed at the memory. He would surely kill her when he woke up. Unless she got up and got dressed and acted normal. She pushed the sheet back, blushing again when she realized that she was naked...naked in front of Howie. How many times had that happened in her dreams? Of course, the alcohol hadn't been present in her dreams...no, both of them had been fully aware of the situation in her dreams. She was about to get out of bed, but he took that exact moment to roll over. His eyes were half open.
"Good morning," he muttered sleepily, his eyes drifting closed again.
"Um...good morning," she replied hesitantly. His eyes snapped open.
They stared at each other for endless minutes...she watched as realization dawned all over his beautiful face. First shock, then horror. Classic stuff. She jerked the sheet up to her neck, trying to smile.
"Oh God...I don't think I want to know," he moaned into the pillow.
Wait a minute...hadn't he told her just last night that he had always wanted her? Must have been the tequila talking because he didn't seem to remember a damn thing now. Her mouth was dry. She hated waking up hungover next to a man who couldn't remember the previous night's activities. Not that it happened often...only one other time, and that particular man had been her husband.
"Close your eyes," she ordered softly.
"Why?"
"Because I'm getting out of bed now."
"Yeah well...it's obviously not anything that I haven't seen before."
"But you obviously don't remember and it's probably better that it stays that way...now close your eyes."
He did as she asked, she jumped out of bed and made a mad dash for the bathroom. She barely had time to slip into her robe before she was hanging over the toilet, emptying her stomach violently. It wasn't supposed to happen that way either damnit. This was definitely not part of her fantasies.
"Jay?"
Howie go away...please just go away.
"Jay? Are you alright?"
Damn you straight to hell you beautiful, beautiful man.
"I'm okay," she called back weakly, resting her head against the porcelain.
She felt like death warmed over. Her head was pounding...she swore to never even so much as look at another bottle of tequila for as long as she lived. She didn't hear the door open, she didn't realize he was standing there until she felt the cool washcloth across her forehead. Brownie points for Howie...he hadn't taken off yet. She glanced up at him briefly...noticing that he looked more dishevelled than she had ever seen him look since they were kids. His khaki pants were wrinkled, his long hair was loose and curling around his face. He looked adorable. Heat crept up into her cheeks...damn her female weaknesses anyway. Thank God for her queasy stomach. He held her auburn curls away from her face while she threw up again.
"You done?," he asked quietly after a few minutes of silence.
"I think so," she whispered.
He helped her up off the floor and back into bed. Why was he pretending as though nothing weird had happened? Didn't he notice that her heart was doing cartwheels? He just tucked her back in and went to retrieve his shirt, then he disappeared into the bathroom. She was mad...seeing red mad. How could he act so nonchalant? Did it not even phase him to wake up naked next to his best friend? Jade stopped thinking, she just acted out in her anger as she always did. She reached over to the bedside table and picked up the lamp, yanking the cord out of the wall. She sent it flying towards the closed bathroom door, where it shattered into pieces. God she didn't even know what...or who...she was mad at.
Inside the bathroom, Howie tried to stop the shaking of his hands by gripping the edge of the counter until his knuckles turned white. When the lamp crashed against the door, he didn't even flinch...he knew Jade's temper like the back of his hand. It wasn't the first time she'd thrown things in the heat of her anger. Slowly he lifted his eyes and stared at himself in the mirror. He remembered exactly what had taken place the night before. How could he not? God she was beautiful...he'd never forget the way her red hair felt against his bare skin...like satin fire, or the spark in her blue eyes. How long had he wanted this? Too long...but now that it happened, he didn't know how he felt.
He loved her, he knew...she was his best friend...but was he in love with her? This was Jade for crying out loud! His Jaybird...he kept seeing the five year old little girl with the big toothless grin...the insecure teenager who cried on his shoulder...the stunning woman laying in the bed in the next room. Since when had his Jaybird looked like that? He reminded himself that it had been nearly three years since the last time he had seen her...up until a week ago. He almost hadn't recognized her. Then again, she had always been beautiful to him. There had never been anything between them, save that one sloppy kiss shared in the backyard of her mother's house when they were sixteen...caught up in the lustful experimentation of youth. That kiss had never left his mind, not once over the last ten years. He kept it with him, until it had built up, ultimately leading to last night. She had shattered his heart to pieces when they were eighteen...when she had married Spencer Stanton and left Florida for good. All his hopes and desires had been pushed back...until they resurfaced last night.
But was he in love with her? At one time, the answer would've have been yes...but that was before Spencer. Now he wasn't sure...maybe last night was simply the result of her divorce...she was finally free...he was finally able to act upon the secret desires he had carried with him for years. And the tequila had certainly helped. Now that it was all said and done...he didn't know what he felt. He briefly thought of AJ...hoping this whole damn set up had been worth it for him. Maybe it would've been better if he had never seen Jade again...their relationship would've been fine if it had simply gone on being maintained through phone calls and letters. He splashed cold water on his face, then pulled his hair away from his face and secured it into a tight ponytail at the nape of his neck. He buttoned his shirt, a slight smile on his face...it had been a very long time since he had looked and felt so out of it...so away from himself. Jade had that affect on him...she made him feel like a completely different person. Partially satisfied by his appearance, he took a deep breath and rested his hand on the door knob. He wanted to go home.
He pulled the door open somewhat reluctantly, barely ducking in time as Jade hurled the other lamp across the room. It shattered against the bathroom doorframe, the pieces joining its twin on the cream colored carpet. He gingerly stepped around the broken lamps, not wanting to cut his feet. Jade was sulking...her arms crossed over her chest, her lower lip pouting slightly. It was the same look she'd gotten on her face as a child when she didn't get her way. He couldn't imagine what her problem was now. He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled his socks and shoes on, not looking at her. Finally, he grabbed his car keys off the desk and leaned down to kiss her forehead.
"I don't want to talk about this again," he whispered. Her blue eyes held a mutinous glare. But his were pleading desperately with her...damn him! She could never say no to that look.
"It never happened," she whispered back.
He nodded, relief in his eyes...he didn't want to acknowledge this until he figured out how he should feel about it. He lightly kissed the corner of her mouth.
"Call me when you get home," he told her, striding across the room towards the door.
"Okay," she mumbled. Then he was gone...just like that, expecting everything to go back to normal. Jade sighed
heavily, suddenly wishing for one of Annalise's vices...a cigarette. Men could be so dense...didn't he realize that things
could never just be "normal" between them again?
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