Journal Log

~* Log 1 *~ ~* July 17, 2001*~ Well okay, today wasn't the greatest. I keep thinking of getting a job. I am really picky on what I want to work for. I guess you can say that I have this fear of failing. Failing my self or the company. But I know people are going to say "don't worry about losing, just do your best." And that is true. All the years that I've been with my mother has made me feel like I have let her down, because of the things that I did wrong in her eyes (in other words, she sees me doing things my way, and she gets all mad or frustrated, because I didn't do it her way.) Catching on? Oh well, my life living with my mother is very hard. You can say that she has this chain clamped onto my ankle and never letting me go. Right now I am at the point that I want to just leave her. But I have no job or place to go. Plus I have this big heart that I hate to brake peoples emotions or hearts. I am that type of person who cares for others. But right now, I feel that I have too many issues that is building up inside and I am at that point that I want to burst. Just emotional depress.

~* Log 2*~ ~*July 19, 2001*~ Today was cool. Just had visitors come over to my house and look at it, to see if they want to buy our house. My parents are splitting up and my dad already found a place to live. To me, it’s great that they have split up; I wouldn’t have to hear them fight. (I mean that they don’t fight ALL the time. It’s just stupid reasons.) I understand how my dad feels leaving my mom, sometimes I wish I could. I am not saying that my mother is bad, but she needs to learn thins on her own. She is type of person who has to be right, never the wrong. Everything has to go her way. It’s like she controls you to do things, she says that she doesn’t, but she doesn’t realized what she is doing. She says, “I don’t think out side the box.” Well I do, but she cuts me down or she treats me like I am stupid. I’ve notice that I can function when my mother isn’t around me. But when she is with me or I am with her, she has things huge vibe around her that has full of anger because I am not doing things her way. You can say that my mother metal abuses me, but she doesn’t know it. I want my mother to be thinking for her self. My visions for my mother is… - Learning to accept things the wrong way. - Letting her daughter experience the REAL WORLD on her own. - Letting go of her past with her parents. - For her to stop, and look at what is saying, thinking, and doing. - For her to take control of her life. (Of course Danielle will be there when needed.) As for my self, I need to carry on with life. Of course I am going to be there for my family, because that all I have, but I need to get on with my life, live the life as how I need it to be. I know it's selfish and I am only thinking of my self, but that is what I need to get on with my life. I am trying set goals or right example for myself. I don’t know. Do you understand?

~* Log 3*~ ~*Aug. 8, 2001*~ ~*Status: Depressed. (Of what? Who knows.)*~ Today, I feel depressed. Why? Because I have no I idea why I am like this. On thing that was said to me today was, “you need to think out side.” That is the second person who said that to me. First was my mother, but now it’s my sister. But you know what, my sister is right. I never felt so humiliated by that word, “think out side” My dad told me that I was be selfish, I am only think of my self, thinking what I want to think. Now I feel depressed by that, it just seems the whole in tire world is falling down onto me. But you know, I think I need to start to get on my ass with a job. I told my self that when I get a job some where, my life is going to be on track, well right now I don’t have a job and college is going to start on the 27 of this month. Now that I have offered two jobs I don’t know what to do. My cousin helped me find a job and I didn’t listen to her, now that she is offering my service to work at her job, I am willing to do it. But you know, I put in application long time ago at this music store called Jelly’s now they are changing to Cheapo Music. But enough with that, my best friend was hired there, and she told me to put my application in, well I never got a call from them. After hanging out with her while she works, we started to get to know the mangers. Only one manger knows that my friend is leaving because she has to go back to Virginia because her college is going to start, she doesn’t leave until the 24 of August. Now that I have got to know the mangers at Jelly’s, one of them offered me a job, I would be replacing my friends position. Before all of this job offers, I was kind of depressed because I couldn’t get a job. Now that I have two offers it been pressed. I don’t know if the manger at Jelly’s is serious or just fucking me around. But if I do get this job, I am willing to work through school. Now with working with my cousin, I would only work for what? Three weeks? Right now I am confused? As I was taking a shower, I though about my cousin (not is a sick way) she has done a lot for me, helping me find a job and getting me one. I started to brake down in tears because she is the one who is helping me through things, she is the only one who is helping me with my employment status. My other cousin’s…well I was never closed to them anyways. They suck. But that’s a different story. I thought that when I get money, I want to treat her and her daughter to some place to show her my appreciate on helping me through things that I have fear of, finding a job and get out of my comfort shell and be your self, don’t take crap from anyone, just be your self. Right now, I feel much better, but I still feel confused about my job. BUT I have to wait and see because I have a meeting with my cousin’s manger tomorrow at 12:30 pm. *sighs* Today I should thank the god’s and goddess for helping me with the tough situation that am dealing with today. Thank you and Blessed be!