~~Schizophrenia~~

What is it that makes me see you as a little kid?
your eyes glisten when i speak to you. 
you look at me with those sad far off gazes. 
I respect you in the highest of estates,
but if you won't let me hold you,
whether physically or in my caring heart, then how can
I possibly help you?  i see how vulnerable and
susceptible you are to society. 
So frail and sheltered.
You coward from people. 
Most would call it anti-social,
but I call it lack of experience.
so use to the same routine of never letting your
pride go, and breaking passed those boundaries
that entangle many. stop protecting yourself
from past experiences.
it's not worth the hassle and wasted time of saving
it all for another day that's never going to come.
you act as if you could take on anything that
it isn't so, but still you
come crawling to the surfaces of your unsaid
thoughts and jot those down to justify it.  I suppose
that is why i see you as a vulnerable child.
but then again who am i talking to?  i'm using
these observances on the one I should know the
most.  Myself. for I am the one who sees what goes
on through my experiences, my perceptions,
my dreams. wanting so much to be apart of another.
there's no way of duplicating
even the plainest of molds. and there's no possible solution to unproven philosophies. for what made me who I am?  My upbringing? or perhaps my schizophrenic brain.

Self contentment

~As self consciousness strikes my manner,
I hide my body from the world
and even the mirror.
all my life wondering
if i'd ever disdain these feelings of inadequacy, disgust..
no shame can ever come near what I
think about myself.
don't hold me like you don't know. 
don't kiss me like i'm the
greatest thing on earth. 
don't look at me like i'm beautiful,
it kills me.
oh you!
you're braking me down.
i'm not able to hide my emotions for you
any longer.
your sweet sense and your noble-minded glow. I never imagined
feeling such prodigious vibes for anyone,
and here I stand in admiration for
such a sweet soul.
I want to share this without all the discouragement for myself.
I want to be with you and allow you to see every part of me in every
possible way.

~~~~SuBcOnScIoUs~~~~

a frame of mind can hold un-numbered thoughts,
feelings, inspiration, drives, goals, or just
even your next action... your choices.
what directs you to every made choice?
why would you ever think that you can't take
hard paths because you just weren't cut out to make it?
and yet it seems so simple and plain to others.

i hear a voice telling me to remember...
~remember all what you have learned about life.  don't
~stray away from those paths that lead you to happiness.

as i watch others lives in envy, i hear...
~do not desire another life.
~do not desire a duplicate life.
~do not desire a duplicate life
what?  why does that ring within me?
the light fades out...

remembering inspiring words when i falter, which
could have been avoided, but then again it's my life.
i must take all offers that come my way.
it's my life that i live, it belongs to me.
mine, all mine!

~such selfishness...
i cannot win.  wait. selfish? envy? jealousy?
what is it that i truly desire?
~it's no contest.
or is it?

~just set aside guilt.  that's what makes you struggle.
guilt?  guilt...  right, that's it! that's what causes
those elements which hold us back.  i act out innocent and
meaningless incidents, but then i have soaked up all other ideas.  those ideas told me it was wrong. they said that it was bad to
do those things.  but if i eliminate those falsities then
no more am i bad. i won't have guilt and i can once
again progress.
we sometimes blame ourselves for the smallest mistakes.
it's not worth the hassle to belittle yourself.  when you
do that you only feel your self esteem drop so low that
you've convinced yourself that you're bad and therefore
you must now act accordingly to what you've been labelled.

i once read part of a poem.
"never for a moment forget that we are here for but a moment"
yes, those remembered words once again continue to inspire in
my subconscious mind.