*This page is updated quite frequently so keep visiting if you want to know more about my -interesting- life*
I was born on July 27 of '82 in Kingston, Ontario where I lived by a lake. I remember mom telling me that I took off a lot and she often found me there in rubber boots and a nightgown.
When I was 5 I moved to Bangor, Maine. This is where my life changed and set the scene for years to come (I won't go into this right now because I consider it personal). My sister was 15 or 16 when she ran away from home and I haven't seen her up until about 10 years ago. I attended Fruit Street Elementry for two years, both of which I spent in grade one.
I moved back to Canada for grade 2, 3, and 4. Grades 2 and 3 weren't so bad for me because I wasn't teased so much. Then came grade 4. Grade 4 must have been one of those awkward stages in my life because all of a sudden I got fat and everyone thought that was funny. In grade 5 I moved to Germany and I still didn't seem to fit in very much. In grade 6, i changed schools 'cause i moved to a different house. I hung out with this guy, Picard. He got me into some of the music i still listen to today. Since I've been here in Nova Scotia, I've been through some interesting times and some bad times. In grade 7 (when i got here) I was happy to make all kinds of friends. I Actually fit in for once. I had many short term boyfriends lasting for only about a week at maximum. Yey for Adolecent relationships! Since everything that happened to me after this point is way to long for me to write out right now, I will make everything brief... In grade Eight I started dating my first real long term boyfriend. He wasn't the nicest guy but I stayed with him for 2 years and wasted a whole lotta time. I also started straying from the "in" crowd and started being myself. In grade nine i was still going out with "him". In grade 10 we ended the poor excuse for a relationship (at that point we were barely talking and not even showing any affection towards eachother) and i started seeing a different guy later on that year. Blah, Blah, Blah... I fell in love with him and it ended up lasting a total of 4 or 5 months. In grade 11 there were more boyfriends. Not a whole lot changed. This brings us to grade 12...
Back in school. I'm back in school and this is my last year. Things are going pretty good for me. My ex is sobering up, i got a 30/25 on some math assignment today (this NEVER happens), i had lunch today and i have no homework. Yesterday was a disaster compared to today. I forgot to pack a lunch and i was starving. I set my alarm clock to 6:30 PM instead of AM so i was running a bit late. i had a free last period though, so it was all good in the end. I found out that two of my exes are in my English class. At least i'm on decent terms with one of them.
Change. At least school is going alright. I'm writing a play for Drama... this little thing called, "Cheap Seat Theater" it costs $0.25 to see and everyone wants to put it on. So i hope i get to put it on. Oh yeah, this guy i was going out with and i broke up reacently, but everything is fine now. We went out for something like a month and saw eachother like 4 times at most. Sure, there was the intial hurt and the "man-what-the-hell-did-i-do" feeling, but it all went away. My parents are really sweet and totally simpathetic. My Dad made me breakfast the morning after the break up and when i got home from school there were chocolate covered Espresso Beans waiting for me. I'm 18 and i'm STILL being treated like "Daddy's Little Girl," but i'm not complaining :}
My friend Ryan and i had this huge intellectual talk the other day and he told me a lot of things i needed to know, and vice versa. It was really great, i really love talking to that guy because there's no one else i can really talk with that way. We're just really wicked friends.
"Just another fragile angel heart." I think i've reached a new low. All this depressing music i'm listening to isn't helping at all. i think i've reached a stage where i feel like crap, baisicly because school is stressing me out. There's so much shit i have to do and its hard to do that with a job.
I don't have the time to "get out" as often. The fact that i can't go out and meet new people right now is really making me depressed. I'm not the type of person who likes to be alone. I'm very affectionate (god, i sound like i'm referring to myself as an animal). At least i'm getting motivation to "get fit." Which is what i'm -trying- to do with my extra time, if i have any. I AM going to a Party this weekend, which i'll hopefully find someone at... what the hell am i talking about? They're all e Tards! No wait - they're horney, soother-bareing, 26 year old E tards! Where do I sign up? You sometimes get the 35 year old mom in neon and homemade fat pants who is also on e along with her son... and thats very sad. Also the population of my high school will be there. All the cool people who think its SO cool to go to Parties(raves, to the hicks) and go on E and get on somebody or something. Yey.
Coming up Roses. Things are starting to get better for me; I got a job now (I work at Arby's *yey*) and i'm doing really good in school. It was weird because i got my report card back and in english i was getting a 63 or something and now, after i go and check my marks, i'm getting an 80. I don't know what the hell i did, either. Usually it takes a lot to get your marks up that much, and from what i did, it shouldn't be that high. But, i'm lovin' it so its all good. I finally heard the new Manson cd the other day and i'm acheing to buy it, but i have no money right now because i just started my new job and x-mas is coming up, so i have a lot of presents to go out and buy. It will be fun though, i really can't wait to start buying presents because i have soo many good ideas for everyone i'm buying for.
I keep slipping away.I seriously don't know whats wrong with me anymore. The more things that happen to me, the more i feel like i'm not myself. I have this compleate helpless feeling going on here, and i hate it. I'm beginning to think i'm wasting my time on a certain guy and that i should give up before i make an ass out of myself. Anyways, on with more depressing stuff. I went to a Party recently (Last night, Dec. 2), and even though i liked it and i had fun, i was depressed. I danced so much, but for some reason o was barely smiling. The compleate highlight of my evening, was the remix of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurithmics that the dj had.
I just realized that i have a hate on for almost everything now, which is fun. yey. But you gotta realize, i'm writting this after a rave, cracked out, tired, and sore, compleate with 3-4 hours of sleep. So, naturally, i'm going to be a bit depressed and "off" but i feel like i've always felt this way and never fully realized it. Everyone knows me as "Happy Ro," "Cool Ro," or whatever, and i realize, i hide behind a smile. I'm only happy when people are around, or just a certain person. But whatever. Everything just fucking sucks and i hate it.
Who's life do i lead?I've gotten to the point where I don't wanna die, I just feel dead. I'd like to find a shotgun and put myself out of my misery, except that i feel i can actually DO something with my life, so i won't of course. Oh here we go, the typical ramblings of a goth; "oh i hate myself and i wanna die, i'm so depressed. I'm just going to sit in this dark corner over here and cry my bloody tears." Well, i'm sorry but i can't go on pretending like i'm happy when i'm not. Its taking too much energy that i don't have plus i'm betraying myself and others, so whats the point? I can't even find the tears to cry about my sorry pathetic life. I'm feel completely alone. I have friends, but i feel alone. Even though i surround myself with them (my friends) i still feel alone. For so long i've just wanted to be held, conforted, to be told its ok, that i'm not as ugly as feel (god that sounds corny). This is the me that i hide. I don't talk about it because i don't want to bore people with the pathetic me. People don't want to hear about what you hate about yourself. No one likes a downer. I take things so personally too, which doesn't help. Tonight i was a complete third wheel, then i was ditched 'cause my friend wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend. Great. So i go home alone completely pissed and hurt. Being alone is the most depressing feeling in the world (maybe i say this because i was a third wheel and i was seeing all the things i missed about relationships).
The most depressing thought in the world is the thought of dying alone. No one to say i love you to, or to hold you when you're taking your last breath of air. I know thats not going to happen to me... at least i hope not. To top this whole thing off, the guy i was starting to like thinks i'm stupid. Well i'm sorry he didn't take the time to get to know me so that i could prove that he was wrong.
Send transmission from the one armed scissor. I guess its been a while since i've written in here.I got a new tattoo which i'll be posting pics of soon. Its really pretty.I've been going to parties a lot more offten. Tomorrow night there is a Happy Hardcore show and i really can't wait. I have a job, and its alright. I want a new one desperatley. I'm listening to a disney song at the moment... "in a World of My Own" from Alice in Wonderland. i find it just a little odd right now...
Its been about 7 months since i've had a real relationship... wait a minute, its been a LONG time since i've been in a REAL relationship. i've had quite a few meaningless ones. Like I said before I'm a bit of an affectionate person. So i tend to feel a bit loney after a while I'm on the verge of some new peircings too, although they won't be posted... maybe one. I want to get my nipples peirced and my septum. Right now i'm earning the money for those too :) that makes me happy, when next pay check rolls around i'll have my nipples done. It will be great. i would have had them done this paycheck but its not possible 'cause i wanna go to this rave. at least i'll have a little money to play with... i should have $50 in there after all this... not too shabby. I mean i work part time and i don't earn that much, so keeping $50 in the bank is pretty good i think. Of course i'm a spontaneous buyer some times. my depresion bouts are thinning out. Its great, i can actually be happy sometimes. Except when the weather sucks ass, thats the only time i get really bumed out. Anyways, there's a short update on my incredibly exciting life, enjoy.
I will find my true salvation; and my ways of mine are bringing you to me. today is one of the WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE. i hate everyone and everything. i could have broke down in class. i wanted to. but there are too many people to stare at me. like i need that. Today is a really nice day outside, besides the wind, and i am so fucking unhappy right now, it just sucks. i mean fuck. i wanna just go bawl my eyes out and skip work or go tell off anyone and everyone that crosses my path. everyone needs to go fuck themselves. i think the reason for all of this is 'cause i was up last night hacking my lungs out and trying to stop my leaking nose. and i hate, i fucking HATE being sick... even if its a minor cold... i get so frustrated so easily... fuck!!!! ok i need to go to work now.
'Cause you're my girl and that's alright, if you stay i won't mind.Things are going great right now. Its May and everything is pretty outside. I have a boyfriend now, and he's great. Very sweet. School is almost over and hopefully i'll be graduating, i most likely will, i'll find a way... Prom is coming up and yes, i'm planning to go. The problem is i might be going alone which is really not what i want. Its a special thing for me, as trendy as it is... i mean i'm a girl and i like getting dressed up... i'm getting this really sweet dress for prom from hot topic... i'll have pics of it up sometime soon. Anyways, there's an update on my life...
Scary monsters... super freaks... Keeps me running, running scared.Well, well, well... its about that time isn't it? its Augest and I'm going to be enjoying my year long Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring-Summer vacation. Of course i'm working and shit but there's no school involved so it'll be a year long party. Weee! My bf and i are still together and are so in love *awwwwwwwwwww how cute!* Tommorrow, i'll be going into the city to show a friend some artwork and i'll be seeing about getting a tattooing job... *ooooo! a career!* I'm excited. Really, really, excited. Almost to the point of wetting my pants. Anyways, i got my left nipple peirced and wholy fuck it hurt like a bitch... i'll probably be getting the other one done tomorrow. YEY!!! The septum peircing will be coming up soon... but not for a while... man, all the peircings i want either will hurt a lot or already hurt alot... goddamn. Oh yes, i almost forgot... a few months ago i set up a page and didn't link it yet... well the link will be up in the About Me section... and you will have already noticed by now... whatever... anyways, there's an update on my ever-changing life.
I'm everyone hang your lable on me, I'm everyone painted black and white and easy.Well summer is now over which makes me sad 'cause now its fall and cold outside. I started apprentacing at KBS a couple weeks ago. Remember how i said i was going to drop off my artwork to a tattoo place to see about a tattooing job? Well, i went in there to pick up my sketchbook a few weeks ago and they told me that i can start when i want to. I'm sooooo excited. They're training me to peirce first and then tattoo later. That makes me sooooo happy. Now i know FOR SURE that i won't be working fast food for the rest of my life and you have no idea how happy THAT makes me... I'm still with my boyfriend... i think we've been together for about 6 months now... neither of us is keeping track... i'm kinda glad too 'cause if he ever came up to me one day and said, "Hey Hon, we've been together for 6 months, 3 days, 12 hours, and 16 minutes..." i'd be a little freaked out. but he'd never do that so its cool... we're still quite in love and thats great. People are like constantly telling me we're gonna marry someday... it sounds cool and all but i'm too young for that. And i haven't really experience life. Its like what my best friend Jelena said: "you guys are in two different places in your life; you just graduated and you're trying to figure out what to do and Eric's already been there, and wants to move on to different things and different places." Thats totally the truth, too. i mean i planned to stick to my friends and move out with them... i mean i really like my friends and i finnaly have the choice not to leave them and keep them. I know i want to stay here for at least two more years finnish up school and training and then leave... i have sooo much on my mind right now its not cool. Oh well, i'll figure it out when i'm not stoned someday. Halloween is coming up soon and that makes me exited. i can't wait for the rave (Frenzy 2) thats happening on halloween or something like that. its going to be sooo sweet, its jelena's year anniversary of partying. Yey!
Where is my Mind? Well, since i last wrote in here, a lot of shit has happened. Ok, so i moved out with that guy i was talking about in the other paragraphs. Everything was good for a while, there were a few things that bothered me though; like how i was the only one with utencils and bowls and whenever i went to use them they were dirty. I lived with him for a total of two months (we went out for a year) and i broke up with him recently. So, i'm paying rent this month 'cause my stuff is there (think storage) and i'm staying with my parents which is cool 'cause i have access to the internet again. I am a tattoo artist at Krystal Blade Studios now, which is awesome and i'm loving every minute of it (except for all the stupid butterflies and roses people get). Most of the summer i will be in PEI, home of the potatoes, working at the tattoo shop there. This summer is going to be "bomb." Since the last time i wrote i've modified my body some more. So far i'm up to 4 tattoos (about 9 more are planned), 5 peircings (3 more are planned) and my ears are a 0 gauge now. Exciting. Yey for working at a tattoo shop and getting stuff for free. I would take pics of all my tatts and peircing but i'd have to set up a pay per veiw site, 'cause people aren't seeing that for free!! i think thats just about it for all the new stuff happening in my life.
See you on the other side. So. I just finished a really amazing summer. Its already September and that makes me so depressed. The summer just flew by so quickly and I feel like i didn't get to do all the things i wanted to do. I feel cheated. I wish i could go back and re-live it all again. But, alas... i cannot. I spent pretty much all of my summer out in PEI. I met all kinds of cool people and made all kinds of new friends. I'm seeing an improvement in my work and that is great. I have all kinds of pics of them and no way to scan them in... but sometime i'll have my work up here for all to see. Things are great now that I'm single again. I'm having fun. I miss everyone already; My friends out in PEI, my cat who died of feline lukeimia and the manager of the shop (KBS) who taught me everything I know about tattoos, who is definately missed by everyone else in the shop, too. I think Shawn said it best when he said, "The shop feels empty without him around." But now its Cory Squared in Moncton. Look out Ladies :P
I hate your tattoos, you have weak wrists, but I'll keep you Back to my cat dying. I know it might seem like a touchy subject, it being recent and all... but it isn't right now. We got Buddy (the cat) 7 years ago, when i first moved here. We got a cat after that one and she died of Feline lukiemeia a year later. This is when we noticed that buddy was rather emotional. He would whine a lot and on one occaision he ran away for almost 3 months. About 2 years later we got ourselves another cat... we've had her a year now and i hope she doesn't die of lukeimia, too.
On a more happier note... I just got a new tattoo. Its a Lotus on the back of my neck. You know i've got about 7 more tattoos planned plus one that i'm gonna do on myself (it will be the smallest tattoo i will have) so all together i'll have about 13 tattoos... is does and it doesn't sound like a lot but pretty much all of them will be able to conceal except one. Unless i grew my hair out. I'm thinking about some new peircings, too. About 8 more. Three in each ear, a septum and a hood. I dunno about the septum but i think it would look good. I'd probably only have it showing occaisionally though. I know its gonna hurt... thats why I'm pussying out.
Work today was a little slow. I did two tattoos and one on one of the peircers that i'm proud of. Its a New school (that probably doesn't make sense to most of you, but all it is, is just old school tatts spiced up a little) skull with a flower behind it. When I get a scanner, I'll post my work up here.
Your eyes cried at last, told me everything I was afraid to ask.Things are getting more and more interesting as the days drone on. Work isn't even work right now. We just sit there and watch everything collect dust. The other day I got so bored, I organized one wall of the shop and put different flash up on the island peice in the middle. I'm just waiting for someone to fuck it up.
There are some people that are interested in me but I am not even interested in the least. But then again there are some people that I'm interested in but they're not interested in me in the least (or so it seems). And so goes my "love" life or lack there of. The one thing that makes me happy right now can make me depressed(now that I have a lot of time to think about everything)but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.
I want to go back to school. I've been thinking about becoming a writer, at least part time. I've been writing a lot lately because of all of my extra time, and the more I write, the more I think to myself, "jesus I'm getting dumber, I need to get my ass back in school." I don't know if I could actually get anywhere writing books, but I'd like to try. People have told me that I'm a good writer, but I can't help but think, "Is anyone going to buy my shit?" We'll see somewhere down the road.
I have a new place now. I'm living with 3 friends of mine. I have the smallest room which is just great. Not all of my shit could fit in there and still have space to move. My bed fits in there and thats the most important thing. We just got cable, internet and a phone line today which every one is excitied about. I'm just happy that my computer is up and working again, even though its a peice of shit anyway. Its slow as fuck, a lot of the programs don't work on it, and it strobes when it starts up. Good thing none of us have epilepsy or someone would go into seizures everytime the comp got turned on.
On one last note, I got my septum peirced. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
I'm on my way down now, I'd like to take you with me.My life is so uneventfull right now its driving me up the wall. I feel like shit today and I hate the Male race. I'm not going to go into it because I don't want to bore you with the trivial things that bother me in my life.
I'm living with 3 other girls now in a 3 bedroom flat. Its very nice, but its sort of in a bad part of the City. The neighborhood isn't too bad where we are because we're on the outskirts of the bad part. A few more blocks in, and we'd have to watch our asses. Other than that things are awesome here. I love the place and I never want to leave because its so nice.
Sometime soon I'm going to get pictures of the tattoos and peircings that I have and post some. Speaking of which, My ears are streached to a 1/4 inch. I wasn't going to go any further than 00. I like the size of them now. I'm getting a half sleeve done on my left arm of a praying Mexican Death skull sometime soon and I really can't wait for it.
I've been afraid of changing 'cause I build my life around you.This month had been and eventful one to say the least. So much shit is happening to me and around me all the time. I'm starting to stress out a little. I got myself into this mess, though, so I have to bail myself out. A co-worker hit on me while I was drinking on the weekend. That really shocked me. I get hit on at the bar more often (but some of those people are creepy or stalkers) and I've gotten molested once by some drunk dude. All the other shit I can't mention because thats my buisness (and close friends). But there are at least 4 more things to worry and stress over.
There is good news though. I'm getting a raise in January. My commission will be up to 35%. I started in September of last year and I've already got one raise plus the one in January. I'll probably get a raise after the summer or sometime after that and I'll be up to 40%. I've been with the company for 1 year now. That's pretty good. I must be getting better if I'm getting a raise. I've been noticing an improovement in my work lately too and thats making me happy. Today I cleaned the shop entirely myself. I swept and mopped the whole place (except the other tattoo artists stations), changed all the garbages in the foyier, and cleaned the display case. I needed all that time alone. It was really nice, I had time to think and vent.
I've been drinking a little more lately. Like a nice glass of Amoretto milk in the morning. Or in a nice glass of Orange juice. I drank like 4 carttons of orange juice (all drinks were alcoholic). I never used to enjoy drinking this much. In fact I hated drinking. I'm more in control over myself when I'm high. When I'm drunk I'm a fuckin' goof.
When you found your way, and you see it disappear, its alright.So up date time. Its been like 8 months since i wrote here. Maybe even longer. Ok when I left you last I was doing ok. I think life was pretty good then. More so than now. I was seeing people, enjoying the single life. On my birthday, a week after, my boyfriend of a year and i had broken up brutaly (me being a bitch), i had a night out with a friend that blew the socks off our entire 1 year relationship and made it look like fucking hopscotch. Happy fucking birthday! A massage and facial the next day. Much later on, it continues to get interesting. I'm juggling two guys at once. Only one of them i'm really physical with, and this one is also, spectacular. I 'm stressing about the two, end up ending the non-physical relationship, and continue to get hot sex. Only one thing is missing. I'm starting to like this guy and I really shouldn't. He's committed in a way.
We'll pause that for a minute...
Now this part starts a lot earlier and there's a lot more intricate sub-plots to this story, so i'll give you this one in a nutshell...
I'm good friends with this promoter. He's a big softie. I bug him to let me meet this guy he mentions to me on occaision. After a few drunken confrontations i'm geeking it out over msn with him. Then i'm hitting the bottle with him and his roomates.
Enter iam.bme.com: i stop writing in this journal and write more in my bme page.
This guy i met, i thought i wasn't sexually attracted to at all until yet another drinking session.
Ok, Resume story 1. This is where they come together. I decide to stop seeing the last guy and see the new guy. Things are great, we was like peas and carrots. It was the most beautiful relationship i had ever had, but like Nick Cave so lovingly sings, "all beauty must die... "
Now 6 months later, i'm "coping" in a sense.