My Testimony of the Transforming Power of Jesus Christ.

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death." Revelation 12:11.

I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ would speak to your heart as you read this, that you would have the patience to read through it once, twice if necessary, and that your heart and all the things that trouble you would just be still and listen. In Jesus' name. Amen.

My name is Barbara, and I've been a Christian now for about 8 years. I came to know the Lord at age 19 on June 8, of 1991. Before I came to believe and accept that Jesus Christ was my Lord and personal Savior I was mess.

At the age of 13 I lost my virginity.

By the time I'd turned 15 I was further along on the road of rebellion against my mom. (My parents divorced shortly after I was born, at the age of 3).

At 16 I was becoming more involved with my recently acquired drug habits and moved out from underneath my mom's roof and in with a man 5 years older than myself who was involved in the occult. I dropped out of high school 3/4 of the way through my junior year and began to work.

Between the ages of 16 and 17 I'd dabbled in learning about witchcraft, satanism, tarot cards, automatic writing, numerology, the ouija board, necromancy (communing with the dead), and had owned a satanic bible. My drug habit became a bit more broad than just smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol. By this time I'd made cocaine, hash, crack & crank a way of life. My self-esteem plummeted, I vegged out my mind primarily because I didn't have a job and interacted with the same fruitless people day in and day out, and the guy I was dating (Rudy) was out running around with other women.

Midway during the age of 17, me and Rudy went out to this historic lighthouse by the bay here in New Jersey. We smoked some 'good' marijuana and got stoned beyond belief. It was that night that I got so terrified from some of the things that goes on in the spiritual realm. The rumors of the things that went on at that lighthouse weren't exactly pleasant or 'normal' either, and having a working knowledge of the occult and being under the influence of drugs didn't help matters that night at all.

On the way home, I could just sense Rudy's anger. I mean he was furious. I could've sworn he was going to drive off the side of the road that night and kill us both, and the angrier he got, the faster and more reckless he drove. We made it home safely, and I left him the following day to move in with a friend of mine, her boyfriend and her mom.

Now I lost the main source of my drug habit, but Ronni & her boyfriend Ron were into the scene too, so my habit was able to be maintained. I continued to smoke marijuana and drink, but they weren't into the other stuff. So there were times I was really craving it and opted not to get it because of the cost.

I remember coming home from work one night after I'd finally gotten a job. I had acquired this electric guitar and an amplifier from a guy I'd been dating, and I figured I'd sit down and toy with it a bit. I was messin' around with it... then Ron came in and asked if I wanted to go and smoke a joint with him... he always hated to smoke alone... so I did.

When we got done, we went back in the house and he was doin' some odds and ends, and I went back to toyin' with the guitar.

Well, I always liked Metallica and wanted to play some of their stuff. As I sat there with the guitar, I was listening to one of their songs, at first just 'attempting' to play, but then the next thing I knew I actually began to play the song I was listening to!

I remember feeling something evil while I was playing, and it was so wicked I couldn't stand it. I mean it was so strong... there was just so much hate coming through me... I just stopped playing, and sat there awestruck and afraid. I played so well, that Ron came in with a dish he was drying and gave me this gawking stare in disbelief, then turned around and walked out! That was an interesting exchange of events that day.

As far as my self-esteem was concerned, well... let's just say that I tried to find it in other "relationships" and that my experiences are the reason for me adding the Lust Control webpage. I was pretty care-free with myself before I became a Christian... and that's not meant to be an understatement in any way, shape or form.

Eventually, I moved out of Ronni's home after being accused of having "the hot's" for her boyfriend. I tried to convince her that I wasn't, but she didn't wanna hear it, so I moved out.

This move actually put me closer to my old boyfriend, Rudy... and I was craving the drugs he had.

We saw eachother a few times and I got my "fix." Unfortunately though, it was at this time that I realized that I needed to find out what God's plan for my life was... and who He was, which made it tough on me, but I suppose it's the only way I could learn what it was that God was going to do over the next few years. I now know that God allows Satan to harass us to a certain degree... God still has control over exactly how much "power" Satan can be granted at a given time. (Look at the Book of Job if you're having a difficult time with understanding this.)

The more I read my Bible, the more spiritually tormented I became.

I couldn't sleep at night because of dreams and fear. While I was awake I was tormented in my thoughts and feelings. I would see and hear things (that people of psychology may call "hallucinations") that no one else could see or hear. Eventually, I became so withdrawn that my mom had me taken to be psychologically evaluated, and you know what they determined? The determined that I was "paranoid schizophenic." Now there's a shocker for ya!

They put me on medications and held me for evaluation for about 2 weeks, then sent me home. I returned to work, still under constant torment. The medications weren't effective in relieving the "hallucinations."

Eventually I became so tormented that I decided that the only way to escape it all was through suicide. I tried to kill myself in fire... which now that I think about it, it's actually pretty symbolic.

At night while lying on my bed, Satan taunted me, convincing me that my present and utter end would be nothing but an eternal damnation, held captive in the flaming pit of Hell, forever under his rule. I lit the bed and laid down in it, only to feel the flames singe my flesh. I got up and walked out, without recollection of doing so. What got me out of that room God only knows... but as I look back now, I realize that that fire was a beginning and not an ending for me. That fire is symbolic of the Consuming Fire of the Holy Spirit that gives us strength to overcome, the Spirit doesn't bind us again to a spirit of fear, but one of Power and of Love, and of a Sound Mind. (2 Timothy 1:7).

Who would've guessed that the very fire which Satan intended for harm would be a testimony of God's goodness?!

God is so awesome!

This is the very Spirit of the living God that saw my life and valued it.

This is the God that loves me above and beyond all things, and longs to see me prosper as His child. To be whole in all things, especially spiritually whole, that I would lack nothing. Nothing emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual, and more awesomely; eternal.

My life is so precious in His sight, and He continues to prove this to me daily as I look to understand and know Him more.

In short : God Rocks! There is no one on this earth that is like Him... Anywhere!

Anyway, after the incident with the fire, which destroyed only a small portion of the upstairs room I was in, I was admitted to the Psych Unit of the local hospital and kept there for about 3-4 weeks until they could find an opening at a half-way house for me to help me to recover.

I was still experiencing alot of oppression and was now going through withdrawl from not being able to get my "fix."

I was in the half-way house until my 18th birthday...approximately 4 months.

After I was released, my mom and I moved into a trailer together. She'd already owned a house, but was partial owner with my brother. They decided to split the mortgage costs, and since they did that, it also made him partial decision maker as well.

He decided he didn't want "some psycho" to live in "his" house.

Needless to say, I didn't.

Shortly after me and my mom moved in together, I got a job... and shortly after that I started with the drugs again, and the same crowd.

My mom didn't want to have to experience the pain of seeing me go through everything that accompanies that life-style again, so she moved out.

I think what finally brought her to her decision was the night I stayed out all night at an "alcohol only" party. I came home the following day with a tattoo.

This party was at my friend Jerry's house. He was strictly a drinker and didn't get into the other stuff that I was into. His foster brother, Tom, had come to visit from Delaware that day and intended on staying the night. He also brought some cocaine along with him, which he only let a few people in on... I was one of them.

Unfortunately, Tom had a really bad reaction to the coke... so bad that he had a seizure.

Jerry didn't know what was going on and was about ready to call an ambulance... until someone told him not to because they'd find coke in his blood stream.

Jerry was hot, I mean he just kicked everyone out of that house who could drive and ended the party right there. The only ones who could stay were the ones who didn't drive or leave with someone who'd take them home... I was one of them.

That night, after everyone else had gone to sleep, I was still awake... and so was Jerry.

He really laid into me.

Jerry was a Catholic, not a practicing Catholic, but he still believed in God and valued life. He hollered and vented all his concerns and frustrations, then he began to tell me something I had least expected to hear at a party. He began ask me how I could possibly want to destroy my life with drugs... then he told me about God... nothing high and lofty, just that God loved me.

I cried for 3 hours... just sat there listening and crying, and crying, and crying some more. I cried so hard that night. I'd never experienced such love and sincerity in all my life, and I hadn't known where it was coming from or why... just that it was.

I'd woke up the following morning and went with Jerry and a few of the others who'd stayed the night to band practice. Jerry was in a band called Destiny and was the lead vocalist and also played bass (a mighty fine bass at that). When we got to the house where practice was being held there was this guy there, Steve Giacalone, who had made this tattoo machine. It was pretty cool considering that he used a little motor and a "G" string off a guitar to make this little jobby. He asked me half-jokingly if I wanted a tattoo, and I told him sure.

So we went into the bathroom and I watched him sterilize the needle/G string. He asked me what kind of tattoo I wanted and where I wanted it. I told him that I wanted a little cross about 1" in diameter on my left shoulder (deltoid muscle if you will :).

So he dipped his little needle into some blue indian ink and jabbed away. It was painless. It honestly bugged me more when it was going through it's healing process than when it was actually being done. Gosh it itched like a bugger! (I'm sure that those of you reading this who have tattoo's can sympathize!)

Why a cross and why there? That's where Jerry had his... and I wanted that to stand as a reminder of everything that happened that night, especially of the love that I'd felt and also as an encouragement to become drug-free someday.

I've been clean since August of 1990.

During late April/early May of 1991 I moved out of my home town to a town about 20 miles north of here, and every now and then I'd take a walk down the street to the Cumberland Farms convenience store, and I had to pass the Methodist Church on my little stroll.

Well, one day I happened to notice that they were having a concert. I thought, 'Oh, cool... I wonder if they'll sound like Stryper...' (I had been listening to "To Hell with the Devil" alot right about this time) and so I decided that I'd go and check it out.

To my surprise (and disappointment) they didn't sound anything at all like Stryper. This was the ministry of ORU's praise and worship team!!! It wasn't exactly to my personal taste, but I've always been open to music, so my range is pretty broad... I hung around and listened to it, took in the atmosphere, talked with the people there. It was a neat experience.

The ORU team was scheduled to be there for 3 days, and I came to know some of them pretty closely.

Here I was this little recovering drug addict, fleshly, lustly me... hangin' out with the "churched," while still trying to put the past of all the occultic trash and lies behind me.

It was the last night of those 3 days that they had an alter call... They asked that if there was anyone there who didn't know Jesus Christ, who was lost and in despair, who wanted to know what the true meaning of life was ... that they should come... if they were ready to commit their heart to Jesus.

I felt my heart being crushed... like there was a steel grip around it, clenching it, tearing it to shreds.

... I knew it was time for me to give up the sharade, to get rid of all the trash, and to give my heart to the One that truely loved me.

I stood up, and one of the girls from the praise team came over to me and prayed with me as I cried every ounce of every tear I could. She asked me if I was ok, and if I was ready to accept Jesus into my heart. I told her I was, and she prayed with me, and I asked Jesus to forgive me and make me what He wanted me to be. I invited Him into my heart that night, and to my surprise, my eyes were opened... I mean I could see everything that made my life a mess. The people I was allowing to influence me, the mistakes I was making through bad choices. It was exactly as the hymn says... "I was blind, but now I see." Or as Jesus says in Luke's account of the Gospel "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord." (Luke 4:18-19). Like night and day... that much of a contrast.

My old Gideon's Bible that I'd gotten from the hospital was replaced with an NIV Student Bible given to me as a gift. I read that and didn't put it down. I still have it...

Since that night on June 8, 1991 I've changed radically.

I'm no longer as self-conscious as I once was, my esteem has taken a turn for the better, I went and got my G.E.D., and went to college to further my education to become a Registered Nurse.

I've got more friends than I know what to do with (which is probably why they always get on my case when I don't call 'em ... something God's still working on. :). Oh, and did I mention that I'm no longer considered to be a "paranoid schizophrenic?" I got off the medication about 6-7 months after I'd gotten out of the half-way house. Isn't God awesome? I think He's the coolest!

Ya know what really had an impact on me though?

About 4 weeks after I'd accepted Jesus as my personal Savior I moved back to my home town to take care of my Grand-ma who had recently been diagnosed with colon cancer. One day, she'd asked me to go over to the neighbor's house to pick something up for her... on my way back I ran into some of my old partying buddies. I talked with them for a few minutes, couldn't've been more than 5 cuz I had to get back to care for my Gram, and as they were walking away I told them to behave themselves. Jason, (one of the guys) turned around and looked at me, and he said, "You believe in Him don't you?" I was like, "What? Who?" He asked again, this time pointing up... "You believe in Him, don't you?" I just stood there, staring at him in amazement, half shocked that he would ask me such a question and half shocked that he saw a difference in me. "Yeah, I do..." I said, smiling softly and contently, "...You'd better behave, ok?" Then he just turned around and chuckled a little as he was walking away.

It was then that I knew that not only did I accept Jesus into my heart, but Jesus was also seen inside of me by other people who knew me before I had accepted Him.

For those of you who want to know...

Tom made it through ok after having the seizure.

Jerry found out about 6 months ago (Sept. '97) that I became a Christian. He is currently agnostic and has been studying a form of Karate for over 8 years now as well as playing in a band and also being on a local ice hockey team (under Philadelphia's ownership).

Steve Giacalone died about a year and a half ago in a car accident, which has really affected alot of people.

Jason has a daughter a few years old and is currently in jail.

I don't know whatever became of Rudy.

My mom continues to thank God for keeping me 'intact' although she still doesn't understand alot of what I've experienced and the faith or perspective that I have concerning the total reality of God in my life.

And I don't believe my brother has ever truly forgiven me for putting my mom through a virtual hell during my latter teenage years.

Still, I thank God for all the blessings He's given me.

I'm saved from that eternal firey damnation of Hell.

I'm forgiven of everything I've ever done.

I have my health and didn't acquire any S.T.D's (which I praise God for every day. That in and of itself is a divine miracle and definitely evidence of God's grace!)

I have my mind, which at one point seemed to be dwindling away to naught considering all the drugs that I'd done and the garbage that I'd filled my head with. It's taken some time to re-learn alot of things... especially how to think. I know that sounds ridiculous, but during those drug addicted years I didn't exercise my mind at all for anything useful. It was tough getting through college, and I often prayed that God would restore my mind. I found it very difficult to learn, and Applied Science didn't come easily. Subjects like anatomy and physiology were like trying to learn a second language in and of themselves with all their Latin roots; and biology... a world of it's own. In fact, I took a year's absence because I felt so inadequate and was having such a tough time retaining anything. I began to question if I'd actually be ready for the field of medicine.

It was within that year that I'd learned and grown because when I came back for my fourth and final semester of the nursing program I found out that all of my prayers, asking God to restore my mind, were effective... and answered. I understood things, and was able to comprehend alot more. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle were coming together and beginning to make sense. I stood in awe. God, still, to this day, never ceases to amaze me. He's brought me so far... and keeps reminding me that He'll continue to bring me to the appointed destination.

I have this testimony that is God-given, and that I can share with others.

I now know what love truly is.

"We are bound to thank God always for you, brethren, as it is fitting, because your faith grows exceedingly, and the love of every one of you all abounds toward eachother, so that we ourselves boast of you among the churches of God for your patience and faith in all your persecutions and tribulations that you endure, which is manifest evidence of the righteous judgement of God, that you may be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you also suffer; since it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you, and to give you who are troubled rest with us when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with His mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power, when He comes, in that Day, to be glorified in His saints and to be admired among all those who believe, because our testimony among you was believed. Therefore we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of the Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:3-12).