The
world's major pharmaceutical companies are to sue The Verve for loss of
earnings and defamation following the release of their single "The
Drugs Don't Work."
A
spokesman in a white lab coat told thrills, "We spend years perfecting
our products, testing them on animals, political prisoners and hard-up
student layabouts, and making sure that they DO work, thank you very
much. Then this silly little hippy comes along and makes this kind of
sweeping statement without so much as a by-your-leave. Since the release of
this record, our takings have dropped 80%. People have just accepted
Ashcroft's uneducated gobshitting without finding out the facts for
themselves. Has mr Ashcroft actually USED drugs? I rather think not!
If he had, he'd KNOW that aspirin relieves pain, that night nurse helps the
symptoms of cold and flu, and that Anusol really does beat piles and
hemorrhoids. Perhaps he should try some drugs before he starts spouting
these vicious lies!"
A
certain well-known high street chemist chain have also been hit by the
single. Their spokesman said, "following this ill-informed record, our
stores have been empty. The kids take these pop stars very seriously, and
if one of them says 'the drugs don't work' then they take that as fact!
Imagine if someone popular like, like Noel from Oasis had said that same
thing! We would probably have to close down, with the loss of thousands of
jobs! Does Mr. Ashcroft want that on his conscience? We'll gladly sell him
some Anusol so he can see for himself how blinkered and naive he's
been!"
But
spokesparts for The Verve have defended Richard's controversial stand.
"When he was little, Mr. Ashcroft had a nasty headache after watching
pipkins all day. His mummy gave him some aspirin, but it had little effect.
Ever since that day, Richard has been plotting to stand up against what he
calls 'big nasty rotten fibs' propagated by the drugs companies. And now he
has that chance. Ha Ha!"
The
spokesman for the high street chain has issued this challenge to Richard:
"Put your money where your cavernous big gob is, Mr. 'Arse'croft! Come
down to any of our branches when you next have an ailment, and we'll give
you some drugs, free of charge, to try! You'll soon find out that drugs
really do work! Or are you scared? Like a girl?!"
The
Verve's spokespiece replied, "Richard would be happy to accept the
challenge, but he's off his face at the moment. Maybe once the sweating and
twitching passes."
submitted
by Jason Drewett
Comments? Questions? E-mail me below. Thanks....Matt.
