A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You're going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complaint
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMT
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, ...
I need new shoes. = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade.
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling! This is important!
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
  we're stopping at the Cosmetic Department, the Shoe Department,
  I need to look at a few pocket books and OMIGOD those pink sheets
  would look great in the bedroom. You did bring
  your check book - didn't you?.

A WOMAN'S ANSWER TO WHAT'S WRONG

The same old thing. = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = I have PMT.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an ass hole.
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm building up steam.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
I'm sorry. = I really don't know what I did wrong, but I hope this helps so we can have sex.
What's wrong = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you 
  going through now.
You look upset. = I guess sex is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex right now.
I love you too = Okay, I said it... now let's have sex right now.
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before.
Yes, your haircut looks good = $100 and it doesn't even look different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I'm a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any fucking dress and let's go!

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