NEW OFFICE RULES:
Due to focus on overtime and
expense control during this period, it has
become necessary to put into effect immediately the following
rules and
procedures:
1. SICKNESS
No excuse. The Company will no longer accept a doctor's
certificate
as proof. If you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to
attend
work.
2. DEATH (YOUR OWN)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks'
notice, since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else
for your
job, as a back-up.
3. DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR
OWN)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and
henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case
of
hardships, the Company has a special scheme, in conjunction with
the local
cemetery, for lunch-time burials, thus ensuring that no time is
lost from
work.
4. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR
OPERATION
No time off will be allowed for an operation. The Company
believes
that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of
whatever parts
you already have, and will not consider having any of it removed.
We have
engaged you for a particular job, with all your parts, and to
have anything
removed would mean that the Company is getting less than what it
is
contracted for.
5. VISITS TO THE TOILET
Far too much time on this particular practice. In future, all
staff
members will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning
with "A" will
go from 9:45 am to 10:00 am. Those beginning with "B"
will go from 10:05 am
to 10:20 am, and so on. Anyone unable to attend at the
appropriate times
will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come
around.
CAUTION - THIS MEMO MUST NOT FALL
INTO THE HANDS (OR FEET) OF UNDESIRABLE
ELEMENTS (NAMELY EMPLOYERS) OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOUSY SENSE OF
HOMOUR
(NAME EMPLOYERS)!
DEFINITION - "STAFF
MEMBERS" ARE THOSE WHO HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
TO READ THIS MEMO, BUT NO TIME TO WORK!