QUOTES-
Heres my nice big collection of quotes. Most are my opinions, some are from my fave songs, and some are just plain fucking hilarious. Not for the narrow-minded or weak-hearted. If you hate them, love them, or find a spelling error, just email me at punkrawk300@yahoo.com
*'s indicate my personal favorites.
*"Fast and Loud, Punk and Proud"
"Off to slay foul maidens and rescue fair dragons!"
"Where did all these stupid people come from,
and how did they get to be so dumb?"
-NOFX 'The Decline'
"Bare necessities of life: Food, clothing, and a blonde."
-W. C. Fields
"O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy." -Monty Python
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire
"Surgeon General's Warning: Quitting Religion Now Greatly Increases the Chances of World Peace."
"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!" -Calvin, Calvin&Hobbes
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -Steven Wright
"Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me."
"Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult."
"Don't you ever touch my balls without asking! -Capt. Harris, 'Police Academy 4'
*"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
-William James
"ta ta Tah-day, Junior!" -Billy(to young student having difficulty reading) Billy Madison
"Jesus is real! I saw him at a party last week, he was playing quarters with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!"
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse,it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
-Ashleigh Brilliant
"Based on what you know about him in history books,
what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-Advising the President.
-Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
~~David Letterman
"Locksley, I'm gonna cut your heart out with a spoon!" -Sheriff of Nottingham 'Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves'
"I'm not as think as you stoned i am."
"All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do that now."
"You can present the material, but you can't make me care." -Calvin&Hobbes
*"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence." -Vivian, 'The Young Ones'
Slater: "Hey, let's go smoke a joint on the fifty fuckin' yard line in memory of those glory days." -Dazed And Confused
"Power Corrupts;
Absoloute power corrupts absoloutely;
God is all-powerful.
Draw your own conclusions."
"God bless Atheism!"
"Shooter:"You better stay away, or you're gonna pay. Listen to what I say."
Happy:"Why don't we go down to the bay, we could eat some hay, make things out of clay, what do you say? I just may!"
-Happy Gilmore
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
"It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting
because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people."
"Beauty was the allure that brought me close to you,
Loneliness was the bond that made me stick like glue"
-Bad Religion 'All Fantastic Images'
"I'd rather laugh with the Sinners than cry with the Saints"
" We're like actors, turned loose in this world to wander in search of a phantom, endlessly searching for a half-formed shadow of our lost reality. When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It's a subtle kind of murder. The most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces.
-Jim Morrison
"We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating." -Monty Python
*"What is the worst thing in the world? I'll tell you what. It's being strapped into a dark car playing very staticky country music on an AM station while slowly driving around and around the town. I myself would prefer death by screwdriver."
"Beans, Bean the musical fruit,
the more you eat, the more you toot!
the more you toot the better you feel,
so lets eat beans for every meal!"
-classic kiddie song
"I like my sugar with coffee and cream"
-Beastie Boys
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
-Phyllis Diller
"Its only fun if you can get in trouble."
"If you can not answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names."
-Bumper Sticker Seen--
"Geez if you believe in Honkus"
"You just got to think about it like the first time you got laid. You just gotta go, 'Daddy, are you sure this is right?'" -Tank Girl, 'Tank Girl'
"To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell
after all would be too damn hard."
*"Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid." -Mrs. Banks, 'Mary Poppins' (1964)
"The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next."
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" -Homer Simpson
"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
-Monty Python's Holy Grail,
a comment on how Arthur got Excalibur
"Sometimes i sit at home and wonder is she's sitting at home thinking of me and wondering if i'm sitting at home thinking of her-or am i just wasting my time." -Blink182 'Wasting Time'
"Eat right, exercize, die anyway"
"I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours."
-Jerome K. Jerome
"If the Bible proves that God exists, than comic books prove the existance of Superman."
"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know." -W.C. Fields
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." -Bob Rubin
Peasant 1: "Who's that there?"
Peasant 2: "I don't know... Must be a king..."
Peasant 1: "Why?"
Peasant 2: "He hasn't got shit all over him."
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail
"That voice inside my brain, Elvis is talking to me again. i think i'm going insane, He says that he's my friend."-MxPx 'Elvis is Dead'
"Every great advance in knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority."
"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer." -Homer Simpson
"In the beginning, there was nothing. God said 'Let there be light.' And there was still nothing, but now you could see it."
"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
*"Can't talk, must eat."
-Homer Simpson
"If people who do not understand each other at least understand that they do not understand each other, then they understand each other better than when, not understanding each other, they do not even understand that they do not understand each other. Understand?"
"Christianity: Safer than a lobotomy, but just as effective."
"Ah Damn, we got a lot of stupid people,
doing a lot of stupid things,
thinking a lot of stupid thoughts,
and if you want to see one
just look in the mirror"
-Suicidal Tendencies 'Gotta Kill Captian Stupid'
"All the parts falling off this car are of the
very finest British manufacture"
-Bumper sticker
"But i'm already popular."
"You travel in large groups of one, Stoney." ~Encino Man
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "mankind" Basically it is made up of two separate words- "Mank" and "ind" What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
-Deep thoughts by Jack Handey
"What Would Jesus Do?"
"Probably get his dumb ass nailed to a cross..."
"It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black."
-the Rolling Stones, 'Paint it Black
"I'm so tired of the fucked up minds
of all the terrorist religions and their bullshit lines
of all the weeping mothers and those who are led so blind
from the plastic protests and the hands of time
and the pursuit of mirth and all hating kind."
-Bad Religion, 'The Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking'
"You're insane!"-Vicky Vale
"I thought i was a pisces!"-The Joker, Batman (1989)
"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers." -Marilyn Manson
"Aaah! We're fugitives! Aaaah!"
-The chicken from the Fosters Farms commercial
"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."
"Dont knock at death's door. ring the bell and run away. he hates that"
"I'm not crazy! You're the one whose crazy! You're driving me crazy! They stuck me in an institution, said its the only solution....." -sUiCiDaL TeNdEnCiEs 'Institutionalized'
"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him."
-Cher, in Rolling Stone
The Great Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo the Rat: You mean that Mr. Aeral's dead?
The Great Gonzo: Yeah, that and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo the Rat: You and your hobbies.
-Muppet Treasure Island
*"Nothing defines human better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating and religion."
-Scott Adams 'The Dilbert Principle'
"Times spent wasted are not wasted times."
"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for athiesm ever conceived." -Isaac Asimov
"One good turn gets most of the blankets.
-Emo Phillips
"Is there a number higher than infinity?"
"Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"
-Johnny Carson (The Tonight Show)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry" -Rita Rudner
"Isn't it ironic how older people say "Oh, you're only a kid once!" and then go out of their way to do all they can to prevent you from being a goddamn kid?"
"I enjoy a little christian-bashing, now and then.."
"It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics."
"Death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth." -Monty Python
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."
-Gallagher
"There's no ansers
When the questions aren't ever asked
Is anybody learning from the past?
We're living in United Stagnation."
-NOFX, 'The Decline'
*"I once got pulled over and the cop said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carbourator. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that." -Steven Wright
"Time flies when you're sick and psychotic."
"And i'll burn like a roman fucking candle."
-Bad Religion, 'Turn On The Light'
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made
President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"I don't know what stopped Jesus Christ
from turning every hungry stone into bread,
And i don't remember hearing how Moses reacted
when the innocent first born sons lay dead,
Well i guess God was a bit more demonstrative
back when he flamboyantly parted the sea,
Now everybody's praying 'Don't prey on me'"
-Bad Religion 'Don't Pray On Me'
"So with one hand on the wheel
And the other out the window
With a smile on my face
And my middle finger up"
-Less Than Jake 'Rock-n-Roll Pizzeria'
"No one really knows why we die
No one gets a break, so we try
Ignoring martality, we worship mediocrity
And wait to see what happens up on high"
-Bad Religion 'In So Many Ways'
"You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans are Here Again.'"
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." -Henry Youngman
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies." -Groucho Marx
"They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it."
-Calvin&Hobbes
"Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner,
you better have a good hand."
"If God dislikes homosexuality so much, how come he picked Michaelangelo, a known homosexual, to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling?"
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig." -Farmer Peterson
"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?" -Calvin&Hobbes
"Jesus Christ: A common exclamation indicating surprise, disgust, anger or bewilderment."
-Chaz Bufe, 'The American Heretic's Dictionary'
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-Ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant."
"If a person's personal religious beliefs are sacred, they should not be peddled door to door like Girl Scout Cookies."
-Marilyn Burge
"And i dont give a damn,
if you gotta problem with who i am,
'cause i dont give a fuck,
you wanna change me?
well, you're outta luck."
-Pennywise 'My Own Way'
"Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed." -Lily Tomlin
"On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
"Of religion i know nothing... at least, in its favor."
-Lord Byron
"If the universe is constant change ---it must be a quarter cause it's like, big."
"So what this Jefferson dude was saying is: We left this England place because it was bogus. If we don't get us some cool rules pronto, we'll just be bogus too."
-Jeff Spicoli, 'Fast Times At Ridgemont High'
*"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
-Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes' comic strip by Bill Watterson
*"Mom and Dad say i should make my life an example of the principles i believe in. But every time i do, they tell me to stop it."
-Calvin & Hobbes
"Why are object in mirror closer than they appear? There's a problem at the mirror factory, maybe?"
"I asked her for a kiss,
She answered with her fist"
-Home Grown 'Last Nite Regrets'
Religion easily has the greates bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches everything you do, every minute of everyday. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time... BUT.. he loves you."
-George Carlin, 'Brain Droppings
*"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!" -Robin, 'Batman' (1966)
"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
"All religions make me wanna throw up
All religions make me sick
All religions make me wanna throw up
All religions suck"
-Dead Kennedys, 'Religious Vomit'
"BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore."
"Turn off the idiot box Now!"
-The Aquabats 'Idiot Box'
"There aint nothing quite as sad as a person that's alone"
-Suicidal Tendencies 'Alone'
"I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God."
-Thomas Alva Edison
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
-Darkwing Duck! (he likes a dramatic entrance)
"Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now."
"I'm looking for loopholes."
-W.C. Fields, when caught reading the Bible
"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."
"Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
"Prevent inbreeding: ban country music."
"I can always get by on my good looks and charm!"-Calvin, Calvin&Hobbes
"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, i though, 'Yahoo! We're rich!'...but it turned out to be something different."
-Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
-Calvin, Calvin&Hobbes
*"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry!"
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-Emo Phillips
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
"Well you've seen the disease, suffering and decay,
and you whisper to yourself blissfully 'its okay'
and you still refuse the possibility
that the dead are better off than we"
-Bad Religion 'Pity the Dead'
Men are rats. Listen to me, they're fleas on rats. Worse than that, they're ameobas on fleas on rats. -Frenchie, 'Grease'
"If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."
"-When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me." -Emo Phillips
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."-Carl Zwanzig
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while
drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
"That's not a knife. This ... is a knife." -Crocodile Dundee
*"What are you going to do, bleed on me?!" -Monty Python
"He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass."
-Howard Kandel
"I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark!"-Calvin&Hobbes
"Thank you for pot smoking"
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." -Homer Simpson
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let my friends be fat.
(I saw it on a bumper sticker)
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