"If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them into boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: 'Happy', 'Baby Doll', 'Junior.' I defy anyone to drop a living thing called 'Happy' in rapidly boiling water."
-George Carlin
"Shit! You used to be a nice guy, Nigel. Why are you acting like such a bastard now?"
"I never had a chance to be a bastard for something I believed in before."
-Gregory Benford, In the Ocean of Night
"When the tweedle beetles battle with their paddles in a bottle full of water on a noodle-eating poodle, it's a tweedle beetle noodle poodle water bottle paddle battle."
-Dr. Seuss
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
-John Mendoza
"I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life."
-Calvin and Hobbes
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American! You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
-Monty Python: The Meaning of Life
"Chocolate, men, coffee - some things are better rich."
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the [Cheshire] Cat.
"I don't much care where" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
-LEWIS CARROLL, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
"Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you're going to miss in the years ahead."
"If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh toom because, come on, life is funny."
"What exactly are the great historical accomplishments of "your" race that make you proud to be white? Capitalism? Slavery? Genocide? Sitcoms? Guns? War? Pollution? Addiction? NAFTA? Thigh-Master? This is your fucking white-history my "friend". So why don't we start making a history worth being proud of and start fighting the real fucking enemy: the white male capitalist supremacist."
-Propagandhi, 'The only good facist is a very dead facist'
"It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake." -H. L. Mencken
"A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it. "
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
-Ghandi
"If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village."
-Jack Handey
"Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."
-Aristotle
"Body metabolism (and calorie-burning) is an average of 14.5 percent lower when watching TV than when simply lying in bed."
-Source: Study by Robert Klesges at Memphis State University
"Sunday mornings every day for all I care..."
-(Nirvana) Lithium
"Get thee down. Be thou funky."
"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."
"We're not fighting! We're in complete agreement! We hate each other!"
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
-Richard Jeni
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
-Ashleigh Brilliant
"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
-Ron Richards
"Everyone loves a penguin. Some just don't know it." (THATS RIGHT!-katie)
Quinn: People are so weird!
Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.
"lifes too short to just barely exist
widespread mediocracy
will suck you up, resist
another number on a list
i dont want it
you can have it
you can try
but you wont make me
feel the things you feel
ill take my chances till i find a better deal
NOFX, 'Remnants'
"LSD melts your mind, not in your hand."
"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
"It's something you'll get used to... a mental mind fuck can be nice..."
-Frank N. Furter, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
"Well, I'm one of those fortunate people who like my job, sir. Got my first chemistry set when I was seven, blew my eyebrows off, we never saw the cat again, been into it ever since."
-Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage), "The Rock"
"This is not a good town for psychedelic drugs. Reality itself is too twisted."
-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Censor everything from bathing suits
To science books
From the schoolroom to the bedroom
They want our thoughts - or else
-No Means No, 'Jesus Was a Terrorist'
Bow down!! Or I will unleash my zoinky army of surly crack-babies!!"
-Happy Noodle Boy
"civilization, ha! I call it as I see it
I call it bullshit you know I still cannot believe it
our evolution now has gone the way of hate
a world evolved resolved in this stupid fate"
-Operation Ivy
I can't say
I've ever valued anyone else's life
More than my own, and that's the honest truth.
-Sophocles, Antigone
Jake:"See those berries? That's our breakfast! See that stream? That's our drinking water!"
Daria:"See that skeleton? That's our future."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
-Winston Spear
"The good man is always honest. The evil man is always dishonest. The smart man just keeps his mouth shut."
"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants." -Jack Handey
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
-Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail."
"An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops."
"A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame."
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke
"So quake with fear, you tiny fools!"
-Frank N. Furter, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
"The republicans and the democrats will never get along. The classic distilled philosophical difference between republicans and democrats has always been about the ideal size and scope of government. Reoublicans say that democrats want a huge monolithic federal institution and will compromise personal liberty and freedom by controling individuals' lives with intrusive policies and a dictitorial agenda. And republicans, of course, believe that is the job of organized religion."
-Dennis Miller
"The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
"...But I'm not miserable. I'm just NOT LIKE THEM."
"Compassion for animals is intimately connected with goodness of character; and it may be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to animals cannot be a good man."
-Arthur Schopenhauer (philosopher)
"I worry about my judgement when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public."
-George Carlin
"Mecagum Deu, en la creu, en el fuster que la feu i en el fill de puta que va plantar el pi"
Translated:I shit on God, on the cross, on the carpenter who made it and on the son of a whore who planted the pine. (bwahahaha!-katie)
"Funny-peculiar or funny-ha-ha?" -Ian Hay
"There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world."
-Jean Baudrillard
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
-Henry Louis Mencken
>
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
"Cunning...is but the low mimic of wisdom."
-Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke
"How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?"
"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new."
-Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)
"KWITCHURBELIAKIN" (Just one word can say a whole sentence. Say it slowly).
"Only after the last tree has been cut down, Only after the last river has been poisoned, Only after the last fish has been caught, Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten".
-Cree Indian Prophecy
Grandma: "Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep."
Nursing Home Orderly: "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, baby."
-Happy Gilmore
Wasting time is an important part of living. -Ashleigh Brilliant
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all."
"I am mortified to be told that, in the United States of America, the sale of a book can become a subject of inquiry, and of criminal inquiry too."
-Thomas Jefferson
"People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise."
"The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't remember."
-George Carlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-David Letterman
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-Johnny Carson
"Fortune favours the bold."
-Virgil, Aeneid
"Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of."
-Mark Twain
"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them."
-Lily Tomlin
"Sift through my insanity and revel in my greatness." -Stone Richardsohn
"It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right." -Moliere
"Bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time."
-Bill Hicks
"We're all fucked. It helps to remember that." -George Carlin
"Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt."
(Men readily believe what they want to believe.)
-Caesar, Commentarii de bello Gallico, III, 18
"Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs."
-Alfred Hitchcock, in Observer 19 Dec. 1965
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
-George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950
"Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? -Steven Wright
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?"
"Men who watch television 3 or more hours a day are twice as likely to be obese than men who watch for less than an hour."
-Source: 1989 study by Larry Tucker at Brigham Young University
Alice tried another question. "What sort of people live about here?"
"In THAT direction," the Cat said, waving its right paw round, "lives a
Hatter. and in THAT direction," waving the other paw, "lives a March Hare.
Visit either you like: they're both mad."
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
"I never watch Sesame Street; I know most of that stuff."
"Santa is satan spelled inside out."
"We demand guaranteed rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty."
-Douglas Adams
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."
-Voltaire, on war
"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper."
-Cigarette-Smoking Man, The X-Files
"The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom."
-Cyril Parkinson
"Hey kids! It's mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there?"
-George Carlin
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!"
-French Guard, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution."
"To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both - a philosopher."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"I love talking about the Warren Commission, I love talking about the Kennedy assasination as well. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here, you know."
-Bill Hicks
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself - it's eerie."
-Christy Turlington
"How likely is it that all the people who are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere?"
"My life's been too much of a self-created vocation. And there are times when I think I've done everything in the name of defiance."
-Anne Rice, Exit to Eden
"I am woman, but I bet I have more balls than you, seeing as how I have your balls in a jar on a shelf in my room."
"The way the world underestimates me will be my greatest weapon."
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