"Uhghh... I feel so average...."-Lisa Simpson
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
-Albert Einstein
"My life needs a rewind/erase button."-Calvin
"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-Winston Churchill
"Sometimes I think I spend my whole life trying to figure out where I fit in."
-Trent Reznor
"I'm alone while your having fun,
you have faith while I have none,
sleep till late to waste half the day,
but I’m happy to live this way."
-Silverchair
"You can't stay mad at someone who makes you laugh." -Jay Leno
"I hate the brown pop-tarts." -Me
I'm so fucking tired
I gotta stay awake
I'm runnin' late
I gotta make it thru the day
And make my time go by
-Dead Kennedys, 'Drug Me'
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved."
-Helen Keller
"I wanna hold your hand"- The Beatles. "I wanna fuck you like an animal" -Nine Inch Nails. 30 years of rock 'n roll evolution."
"Speak your mind. Don’t let anyone censor you. It’s the best advice. Even as a teenager, I always said what I was thinking. I wasn’t afraid of what others think. You have to express yourself no matter what anyone else thinks about it."
-Kristie Alley
"Love is blind deaf dumb and stupid. If I ever find that little turd I'm gonna kill cupid once and for all."
"Nooch to the Naga Nooch. Snoochie Boochies"
-Jay 'Mallrats'
Did you really think you could call up the devil and ask him to behave?"
-Mulder, The X-Files
"Don't call me white"
-NOFX, 'Dont Call Me White'
"Is there anyone so wise as to learn from the experience of others?"
-Voltaire
"Bacteria are the only culture some people have."
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You may as well live"
-Dorothy Parker, about suicide
"Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent."
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
-SHAKESPEARE, Hamlet
"Time flies when you don't know what's going on."
"Some people exist just to annoy me!!"
-Garfield
"Oh Lord, let my words be sweet and tender . . . for tomorrow I may have to eat them."
"Please note: If found unconscious, administer coffee!"
"The gods too are fond of a joke."
-Aristotle
"Some mornings, it's just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips
"Grub first, then ethics."
-Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
-G.K. Chesterton
"I'm old enough to know better but I'm still too young to care."
Eat your heart out on plastic tray
you don't do what you want
then you'll fade away
You won't find me working nine to five
it's too much fun being alive
-Sex Pistols, 'Problems'
"Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes. (trnaslation: If you can read this you're overeducated.)"
"That it will never come again
Is what makes life so sweet."
-Emily Dickinson
We're told 80% of people like the President in the polls
While only 15% believe he's in control
-No Means No, 'The Myth is Real-Lets Eat'
"I hate everybody!As far as I am concerned, everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum."
-Calvin, Calvin&Hobbes
"In ebonics, 'We be fucked!'"
-Pinball 'Con Air'
"The great crises of life are not , I think , neccessarily those which are in themselves the hardest to bear, but those for which we are least prepared."
-Mary Adams
"Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get."
-Garfield
"If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies."
-Einstein
"I'm here to kick ass, or chew bubble gum, and I'm all outta bubble gum"
-Duke Nukem
"Pop people are defects. Pop people are funny in the head and the more pop they get, the funnier their heads become. Pop begins in bedrooms and ends up in supermarkets."
-Damon Albarn of Blur
"This is a violation of my constitutional rights as a citizen of the United States of America!"
"Knowledge seems to come to the person who seeks for it."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office."
-Robert Frost
"Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble"
-The Witches, William Shakespeares 'MacBeth'
"To 'err' is human; to blame the next guy even more so."
"Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intellgently"
"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."
-Jack Handey
"Oh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot. Want to touch the heiney."
-Billy, 'Billy Madison'
"He wasn't claustrophobic, but he has a logical and healthy fear of being confined in an extremely cramped place ninety feet below the ice, in the arctic wilderness, while surrounded by fifty-eight enormous packages of explosives that were ticking rapidly toward detonation. He was funny that way."
-Dwean Koontz
"Arguing with a stubborn person is much like mud wrestling with a pig. Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it."
"Everyone can master a grief but he who has it."
-William Shakespeare
"Love is like a snowmobile racing through the tundra. then it flips over, pinning you underneath. at night, the snow weasels come."
-Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons
"There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at."
-Goethe
"Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places."
"The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."
-Alben W. Barkley
"f you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool!"
-Jack Handey
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
-Einstein
"It is easy enough to be pleasant
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is the one who will smile
When everthing goes dead wrong."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
"Many a man's tongue broke his nose."
"If it is bright and sunny after two cold and rainy days, it's probably Monday."
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."
-Charlie Brown
"To obtain maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good big mistake."
"It's so easy to laugh. It's so easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind."
-Stephen Morrissey
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?"
-last words of an insect
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch."
-Ogden Nash
"When you fall on somebody, it's not enough to say you didn't mean to, after all, he probably didn't mean to be underneath you."
-Winnie the Pooh
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
-Aristotle
"The best safety device in a car is a rearview mirror with a police officer in it."
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
-Rita Rudner
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Uh, I think so, Brain, but we'll never get a monkey to use dental floss.
"It's not easy taking problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line."
"There are two types of dirt in a home...the dark kind, attracted to light objects, and the light kind, attracted to dark objects"
"I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about."
-Oscar Wilde
"Love is not some that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That called Houdini. Love is liking something alot."
"Drive-in banks were established so that cars could see their real owners."
"Children from single-parent homes have much better verbal skills than kids from two-parent homes, but kids from two-parent homes are far surperior at bitterly sarcastic repartee'."
"I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am."
"For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught."
"I have learnt to spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which grates on many people's nerves."
Early to bed
Early to rise
These are the reasons
Why a man dies.
"God is dead and I want his job."
"Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers."
"Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse."
"If love be good, from whence cometh my woe?"
-Geoffrey Chaucer
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive."
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me."
-Greg Graffin, Opinion
"Draft beer; not people"
"Daria (in stall): Psst!
Jane: Oh no, the toilet is talking to me again.
Daria (in stall): Lane!
Jane: Talking toilet, you may call me "Jane."
-Daria
"I get shocked by people smoking cigarettes sometimes. I get shocked by watching talk shows. People’s moralities are so far below what I would consider standard. SAT results should be directly linked to a death sentence. Those who don't reach a certain score would be executed."
-Marilyn Manson
"Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon."
"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet."
-Plato
"By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments."
-Russell Baker, 'School vs. Education'
"You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend when I was down, you just stood there grinning."
-Bob Dylan
"You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how,"
-Rhett, Gone With the Wind'
"I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins."
-Jack Handey
"I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay."
-Madonna
"County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello??"
-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
Bat: I'd give her a hah! And a ha-yah! And I'd kick her, sir.
-Anastasia
Mom: He's a very strange boy.
Dad: He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too.
-Back to the Future
"f there is anything in the world more annoying than having people talk about you, it is certainly having no one talk about you."
-Oscar Wilde
"They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck."
"Common sense is not so common.
-VOLTAIRE, Philosophical Dictionary
"Reputation is an idle and most false imposition; oft got without merit, and lost without deserving."
-SHAKESPEARE, Othello
Superman: I like pink very much, Lois.
Garth: If she were the president she would be called baberaham lincoln.
-Waynes World
"If the spoon don't dissolve, it ain't coffee!"
"The Smurfs are little blue people who live in magic mushrooms. Think about it."
hey Chantel...."Black Socks!!Aaahhh!"
"Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes. I know 'cause I'm like that a lot. You think everything's ok, and it is . . . 'til it's not."
-Ani DiFranco
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
"People say friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."
"Just being yourself, being who you are is a successful rebellion."
" think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."
-Jack Handey
"Dorothy asked the Scarecrow,
'How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?'
She looked at him puzzled.
The Scarecrow answered,
'Some people without brains
do an awful lot of talking.'"
-Wizard of Oz
"Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while. So when you are lonely, remember it's true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you."
"Rock and Roll is over, don't you understand? The Pistols finished rock and roll; they were the last rock and roll band"
-Johnny Rotten (John Lydon), The Sex Pistols
"no one is free when others are oppressed" -Anti-Flag
"I don't think anyone is going to Hell because it only exists in the minds of people who wish ill-will on others."
-Greg Graffin (singer/song writer from Bad Religion) in response to an email from a person who told him he is going to go to hell (if, of course, he doesn't change…)
"Be a safe eater and always use a condiment."
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