Feb '99
Tokyo Nights
An American in Tokyo
Well, the last days and nights of Jan 99 were interesting. After feeling pretty down about Biker girl, hearing she was hanging with other American guys,and basically driving me batty. I went out Thurs, Fri, and Saturday.
Thursday night was crap, I remember I went out to the club to have fun, but Biker girl as in my mind and I was in a funk.I spent that night with A-chan.
Friday night I went out, there was some fine girls. I met a real wild one, she kept sticking her foot between my legs etc, I have no idea what she was thinking. I thought she must be on drugs or something. But I liked the attention. After teaching English on Saturday, I called Biker girl to see if she wanted to come over. She said she couldn't make it, had to go to work. I thought I might see her at the club Sat, I didn't see her (later I found out she saw me).I danced with three different girls. All of them were reasonably cute, but nothing serious happened. I left and visited some other clubs. I liked watching the people dance at the other clubs. Then as I was walking to the station, Biker girl called. We went to my place. Man, I was ready to phuc.So after some serious foreplay, I went to work. It must have lasted a little over an hour. That evening, we went on a long walk. She told me she was saving for going to Hawaii to stay 3 months, and she would be leaving around April, May. She said she was considering an offer from a man to be her sponser. That means he would get her a place, give her money, all the things she needed, and he could basically fuck her anytime he wanted. I guess this thing is growing in popularity. Its seems to me like a another form of prostitution. Biker girl told me even though she wanted money, she didn't want to sell her body. Being 19, and on her own, what options does she have? I hope she will be ok.I felt and still feel crappy after hearing that.
I told her I had just stopped a long-term (many years) relationship. I told her about the relationship, and she started to cry. i tried to get her to tell me why she was crying, but all she could say was "it made her sad". I must be a dumb motherphuker because I couldn't figure it out at all.I tried to figure it out, but no answer. I just have to assume, it made her sad. I said "don't cry","I didn't mean to hurt you" but she couldn't stop being so sad and down. She said she didn't feel betrayed or angry. She cuddled me a bit during the night. I guess I was trying to put the best face on a difficult situation. She said we could still be friends, I guess that is all I can ask for.
2/5 I've seen Biker girl twice since the last mail, and things have settled down. I have tried to keep in mind, if she doesn't like me, she can leave me. I have to be myself. I try to be my good self, be what I want to be. What is that? I don't know exactly, but I don't want to hurt people.So I will try not to be a jerk. Anyway, I am not sure but I have a feeling the flames are burning low between us? She still is important, but the excitement is decreasing? Just screwing and eating. I wanted to take to a movie but said she didn't have any money. But I didn't feel like paying for her, so we didn't go. Now I'm sleepy.
2/8
Well I met some girls at Roppongi clubs (mainly 99)recently but, I didn't get phone numbers or anything. I just have been letting them go. I didn't have a lot of interest and I wasn't doing what it takes to get anything. I had biker girl in the back of my mind alot.
She called me Saturday night, She wanted to come to my place. Basically she slept until about 1PM. She slept in my room and didn't want to fuck. Man I wanted to tell her to get lost. I cook etc, and take care of her. She taking some medicine because she has some pain in her uterus, she complains about over-drinking, and doesn't want to have sex. I'm going crazy. We went to the movies, walked around etc, shopped, I bought a CD etc. We went back to my home. I was getting horny and she was making me horny. Then she said something about going out with her friends for drinks. On Sunday night her only day off-
What a fucking idiot! She'll be back in the hostess bar tommarrow, drinking herself to death. She said she would go because her friends invited her.I told her don't go, go to sleep. I semi-forced her to stay at my place and sleep. She did. Then, after taking how many calls, she eats the food I made her.I've starting to break my polices of not spending money on girls, and telling them I like them. Its a mistake, especially with ones who play around as much as she does. How could I think, even for a moment that she could like me if I spent some money on her or said I like her. Forget it, I don't know why I said I like her, when after thinking about it, she pisses me off.Then in the morning, I'm horny like crazy and I want to screw, but she says "I don't want to do anything".No explaination, nothing. I figure she was either tired, or tired of me. Which I can understand because I am stupid enough to rant on about this goon.
So I just got off of her, made breakfast, and went to work. I need to chill, take a breather, and find some young sexy fine hot, great girl who wants to bang me as much as I want to bang her and do it. There has to be something better than this.
2/9
I have a sinking feeling biker girl thinks all I think about is sex. Well, I do think about sex, and I guess she would be partly right. I need sex and affection. Biker girl said yesterday, she doesn't want to do anything. Is it my job to light her fire, to get her excitied? I don't think that is my job. I think I should leave her alone for a while and get what I need. If she doesn't want anything with me, I should move on.
However that doesn't mean I don't want her anymore. But I can't force something on someone and make them want me. I need to get what I need and go after what I want or I won't be happy.
However maybe there is a lesson here. The other night she was with me she noticed I was getting horny out of my mind and she said you need to find someone to take care of that. I said I couldn't believe she said that, because I wanted to have sex with her, not anybody else. But when we met later I began to to practically crush her with my needs. Even though she said she couldn't and didn't want to, I was all over her. Without saying anything I should have taken care of myself somehow.I didn't want her to have to tell me that, but it ended up like that. I should have known myself and do what I had to.
2/17
I went out last Friday with Brian, his girl, and A-chan. Didn't get anything. Went out Sat night, saw some good looking and some other girls then went home.Biker girl called Saturday night, said she would come over in the morning after work and going to a club. She came over about 8:30. Then just slept the all Sunday. She wouldn't leave the room but to get herself some panties at the convenient store, couldn't have sex (still says she has some illness she is trying to get over) and taking medicine for, and I made food for both of us cause I was hungry. While she was sleeping I worked on my tax forms and practiced hacky sac outside. She takes medicine for the pains in her uterous and drinks a load of alchohol at night at her hostess job. Tell me this isn't a bad combo!?! No wonder she seems wasted everytime I see her now.
So Monday I watched a video with Brian at A-chan's house, and last night called a girl I met at a sporting good store. We've talked everyonce in while when I was is that store. She gave me her phone number and asked for me to call her. So after a few weeks I did. Well it was a little different than what I expected. She was horny but a little crazy. We talked for a while, I played music. I asked if she wanted to stay, she did after some consideration. Then we slept. She could get over touching me throughout the night. That was not a bad thing, but kind of funny. Finally she said "irete ii" which means "you can put it in" so I did. But I didn't come. She did and that was the end. She was real down in the morning and I felt fine. She said if we get together again she would try her best to satisfy me. I thught, probably we would get together again.I was just tired all night and didn't have the push to attack her, but she seemed to appriciate that. Oh well.
I am still trying to figure my way through this relationship with biker girl. I think I have to accept her for what she is and accept the best of her good points.
On the other hand I want to be with and treated special by someone, someone who treats me what I'm worth.
2/18
Last night coming home from playing Basketball, Brian and I talked. He told me I shouldn't be calling Biker girl a slut etc. He said she has one nighters, and I have one nighters. End of story. I need to look at her good points. I think he is right.
Today I realized that envy and resentment about Biker girl was making me unhappy. So I decided the best thing for me to do was not allow myself to feel envy and resentment leading to anger.
I came up with NO FEAR
F - FEAR E - ENVY A - ANGER R - RESENTMENT
Then during my lumch break I tried to dream of things I wanted. I envisioned a tall, tan, beautiful, long haired girl surfer girl who wanted me as much as I wanted her - alot!
I imagined we would see each other every week, fucking and sucking, and being together.
Other thoughts included world domination...etc.
Paying off my credit card. Save $20,000 for house or a move to Hawaii. Start high-income business for financial security- so I never have to worry about money again.I can do anything - financial freedom, sexual freedom, anything -
The most important thing is I am Happy.
then I can make others happy, right? I don't know about that, but I need to be happy, this getting depressed and upset stuff is terrible, no fun at all!
To get OUT of here!