6/14
RELY ON YOURSELF FOR HAPPINESS
I was thinking...for my personal happiness the above is necessary. But if I want to have Biker Girl or other friends in my life, I need to remember to be there for them. Continuously, always. "I'm not going anywhere (in my heart), I'll always be there for you. I like you for you. I'm there for you." My friends, the females in my life have taught me that. Maybe you have to temper that by remembering to keep YOURSELF and YOUR FEELINGS as priorities. But by remembering to be a stable force, being there for them, especially the ones you love in whatever way you can, you get this benefit:
Confidence - No fear of you losing them. You are there for them. If they decide to leave you, it was their decision, not yours.You can be yourself without fear, because you have already committed yourself to being there for them when the chips are down. You know you will act.
No Regrets - If they leave you, for whatever reason, you know it was not your problem. You were there for them 100% all the time, You were always straight up with them as much as you felt right, you loved them, respected them, gave them what you could. If that was not what they needed or wanted, maybe it was better that they moved on. But if they come back, you'll still be there for them.
And maybe - you'll get love back.
As the Beatles sang
"And in the end
the Love you take
is equal to
the Love...
You make"
And if I get that love back, I will be be grateful for it and appriciate it.
6/16
I sent an email to Biker Girl. I acknowledged that I missed her and how I felt. Biker Girl called from the states during my lunch break. She called this morning as well, but I didn't realize it was her and said I was tired and went back to sleep.When she called I was happy to talk with her, I told her that I missed her. I wanted to tell her. She told me about her stay in the US which sounded like it had its good and bad for her. It seemed the trip didn't meet her expectations. She told me she would be coming back early. She gave me the date, time flight etc. I decided to meet her at the airport.
I am trying to open my heart to her.
I was trying to write an email to her yesterday and I couldn't. It kept not saying what I really wanted to say. Finally I wrote something but when I went to send it I got logged off my computer mail service - "time expired" it said. I thought that was a hint from somewhere, maybe upstairs, that what I sent wasn't right, too cautious and that I was wasting time, blowing an opportunity. So I relogged on and said things I really wanted to say. "I missed you alot" etc. This may seem trivial, but I had a hard time saying them because I didn't want to be "another guy". I wanted what I say to come from the heart and her to know it. So I have guarded what I said. When she called I felt enthusiaism, so I showed it. I do look forward to seeing her again and I decided to meet her when she comes. I feel like I'm taking chances, going on faith, trying to be positive. I have this one life to live so I want make the most of it.
H is in the back of my mind. I can not break the ties I have with her. I have a strong feeling I am not being fair to her. How can I do that.Should I do that? Yes she deserves better. I am being forgiving to one person and not another. When she called me she said things maybe I should should have thought about more. I need to Chill Out.
6/17
I talked with my mother. She said she knows H wants a family and happiness that goes with that. So I have to tell H to find someone else because I can not do that now.
6/21
Today is a new day. I am trying to rejuvinate my life. I have a dream...to make my fortune - in love, life, riches, family. To become the person I want to be. That person is good, kind, loving, thoughtful, courteous, enthusiastic.
6/24
I picked Biker girl up at the airport last Sunday. We have spent every night together for the last three days. She said she had a pretty good time in the states and intends to go back as soon as she saves some more.I am not upset, as I understand thats what she want to do. I was a little shocked when she told me, but happy for her that she has some purpose in life. I intend to do the same. I have been thinking about my own plans and how to strive to attain them.
I read an interesting article about Phil Jackson, who will be coaching the LA Lakers next year, he practices Zen, and helped lead the Bulls to 6 championships. Here is an excerpt:
When a fish swims in the ocean, there is no limit to the water, no matter how far it swims. When a bird flies in the sky, there is no limit to the air, no matter how far it flies. However, no fish or bird has ever left its element since the beginning.
Before Jackson made Michael Jordan and the Bulls into champions, he first convinced them that fish do not fly, birds do not swim and you can dream all you want, but, "Bottom line, you've got to work with what you've got. . . . When your vision is based on a clear-sighted, realistic assessment of your resources, alchemy often mysteriously occurs and a team transforms itself into a force greater than the sum of its parts. Inevitably, paradoxically, the acceptance of boundaries and limits is the gateway to freedom." Jackson's first challenge in 1989 was to convince Jordan that the best player's job was to make his teammates better, as Red Holzman had preached to the Knicks in Jackson's playing days. Jordan resisted. It is one thing, he said, to pass the ball to Earl Monroe, another to give it to Horace Grant.
Second, Jackson needed to persuade Jordan to abandon his solo improvisations that had won three consecutive scoring titles to play inside coach Tex Winter's triangle offense, a triple-post system that assigned roles to players even as it asked them to adjust those roles according to defensive movements.
The romantic's view would be that Jordan accepted Jackson's vision immediately. Not at all. Even before Jackson's hiring, Jordan had resisted Winter's offensive plans.
"There's no 'I' in team," Winter once said, to which Jordan replied, "There is in 'win.' "
But late in that 1989-90 season, the Bulls won 24-of-27 before losing in the conference final. By skillful diplomacy as well as good basketball sense, Jackson had brokered a compromise between Winter and Jordan. When Jordan saw the need, he simply went outside the offense to get it done. For Jordan, the next stop was history. So the question now is: Can Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant win big for Phil Jackson?
Yes, if they accept the truth in a Hopi tribal saying Jackson favors: "One finger can't lift a pebble."